Relative dying. Visit or not? Guilt.
Discussion
Dear PH.
Morning all. Bit of PH input would be helpful (I think!).
My dad was called down to South Coast at short notice last night. My grandfather has had a stroke, and they were told to come now. He's 98 and while his brain is still relatively sharp his body has been ageing... He's now in the end of life section of a ward.
My instinct is that he's old in his final hours and have his son and two daughters there to say goodbye to will be quite enough. He's not properly conscious, although seems aware of their presence.
Other branches of the family who are more touchy feely than I am (mostly female if it makes a difference) with grand children and even great grand children going down to visit him.
I'm really not sure what I should be doing. I think my position is right, but am worried that it feels uncaring.
Help
Confused of Yorkshire.
Morning all. Bit of PH input would be helpful (I think!).
My dad was called down to South Coast at short notice last night. My grandfather has had a stroke, and they were told to come now. He's 98 and while his brain is still relatively sharp his body has been ageing... He's now in the end of life section of a ward.
My instinct is that he's old in his final hours and have his son and two daughters there to say goodbye to will be quite enough. He's not properly conscious, although seems aware of their presence.
Other branches of the family who are more touchy feely than I am (mostly female if it makes a difference) with grand children and even great grand children going down to visit him.
I'm really not sure what I should be doing. I think my position is right, but am worried that it feels uncaring.
Help
Confused of Yorkshire.
I think this is helpful.
In terms of my dad he thinks this rush by other relatives is ridiculous, and is pleased that his boys are keeping their distance. He's already said that he thinks it down to their guilt about not seeing him often enough.
I have the same guilt, but it does not mean that I do not love him.
I have a few problems in dropping everything today or at least during the day, not least of which is I have my parents dog which allowed them to get down quick.
If he was conscious I'd perhaps feel different, but still wonder if he has enough going on saying goodbye to his children. I don't like touchy feely and I'm not sure if that's helping or hindering me.
Shall muse some more.
In terms of my dad he thinks this rush by other relatives is ridiculous, and is pleased that his boys are keeping their distance. He's already said that he thinks it down to their guilt about not seeing him often enough.
I have the same guilt, but it does not mean that I do not love him.
I have a few problems in dropping everything today or at least during the day, not least of which is I have my parents dog which allowed them to get down quick.
If he was conscious I'd perhaps feel different, but still wonder if he has enough going on saying goodbye to his children. I don't like touchy feely and I'm not sure if that's helping or hindering me.
Shall muse some more.
I'm still here. I've listened - and spoken to my dad.
Grandpa (sorry it's old fashioned but that's what he is!) is heavily sedated, and not really aware of anything. I think it's pretty clear to be his last hours/days.
Dad seems quite comfortable with us staying away (and has said he is proud of how we are dealing with it). I think the members of family who have insisted in rushing down have caused some distress to him and one of his sisters and they would have preferred to deal with the situation peacefully rather than chaotically, which I understand.
If I have guilt I will deal with it rather than make the situation more difficult to deal with.
I've taken particular note of Rudeboy's advice and made sure that he knows the minute he needs support I will be in the car. He knew that anyway I think, but it's now not unsaid.
It's a s
tty situation, but he's had a good life, helped a lot of people (retired GP), a 49 year marriage + and outlasted a second wife after. He has already said that he's had enough of living with pain (his back etc.), and is ready to go.
I'm not looking forward to the weekend - work has helped today.
Grandpa (sorry it's old fashioned but that's what he is!) is heavily sedated, and not really aware of anything. I think it's pretty clear to be his last hours/days.
Dad seems quite comfortable with us staying away (and has said he is proud of how we are dealing with it). I think the members of family who have insisted in rushing down have caused some distress to him and one of his sisters and they would have preferred to deal with the situation peacefully rather than chaotically, which I understand.
If I have guilt I will deal with it rather than make the situation more difficult to deal with.
I've taken particular note of Rudeboy's advice and made sure that he knows the minute he needs support I will be in the car. He knew that anyway I think, but it's now not unsaid.
It's a s
tty situation, but he's had a good life, helped a lot of people (retired GP), a 49 year marriage + and outlasted a second wife after. He has already said that he's had enough of living with pain (his back etc.), and is ready to go.I'm not looking forward to the weekend - work has helped today.
King Herald said:
surveyor said:
I'm really not sure what I should be doing. I think my position is right, but am worried that it feels uncaring.
If you don't feel like going, don't see the point of going, then don't go. Don't do it just to make people feel you care, if you don't.My wifes mum died last year, in our house, and I let it be known long ago that I have no love, feelings, or time for her, and other than spending about ten thousand quid on medical care over the years I had no interest in giving her any comfort. She was a vindictive evil b1tch, who died of ignorance and selfishness!
At her funeral I didn't mope, weep or mourn, just paid the bill and had her body torched ASAP, as it cost more money to leave her laying in state for the ignorant in-laws (who had not shown their faces for years, nor contributed a cent) to come and pretend to mourn over! 28,000 pesos cremation costs, (500 quid) the last bill, good riddance! /rant
Sorry.
But don't want to make things harder for my parents and aunties, and given that he is heavily sedated even if he would like to say goodbye he is unlikely to recognise me or be able to. I think his moments of lucidity are best served by others.
I'm not forgetting him, nor ignoring his fate, but respecting the type of man he was and allowing him to die in peaceful dignity, with his children. Perhaps I'm just avoiding the situation.
A short or not so short update. My grandpa died on the 8th of April. I said goodbye in my way. Today has been his funeral.
It's been a funny old day and I've only just clocked what an amazing guy he was. Born in 1916, he won a bursary to Kingswood School, and was put through medical school by the Methodist church. He then ran a hospital in Nigeria, and laid the foundations for what remains a huge hospital. He left Nigeria after repeated bouts of malaria, and was a GP in South Yorkshire for 30 years. He was a fantastic grandpa, but when I think of the lives he touched I'm staggered.
An example was the Methodist minister who took the service in Dorset. As it happens he grew up in South Yorkshire and was treated by my Grandpa.
Sorry for rambling. It's been an emotial day.
It's been a funny old day and I've only just clocked what an amazing guy he was. Born in 1916, he won a bursary to Kingswood School, and was put through medical school by the Methodist church. He then ran a hospital in Nigeria, and laid the foundations for what remains a huge hospital. He left Nigeria after repeated bouts of malaria, and was a GP in South Yorkshire for 30 years. He was a fantastic grandpa, but when I think of the lives he touched I'm staggered.
An example was the Methodist minister who took the service in Dorset. As it happens he grew up in South Yorkshire and was treated by my Grandpa.
Sorry for rambling. It's been an emotial day.
Rufus said:
surveyor said:
A short or not so short update. My grandpa died on the 8th of April. I said goodbye in my way. Today has been his funeral.
It's been a funny old day and I've only just clocked what an amazing guy he was. Born in 1916, he won a bursary to Kingswood School, and was put through medical school by the Methodist church. He then ran a hospital in Nigeria, and laid the foundations for what remains a huge hospital. He left Nigeria after repeated bouts of malaria, and was a GP in South Yorkshire for 30 years. He was a fantastic grandpa, but when I think of the lives he touched I'm staggered.
An example was the Methodist minister who took the service in Dorset. As it happens he grew up in South Yorkshire and was treated by my Grandpa.
Sorry for rambling. It's been an emotial day.
My condolences for your loss, and as you say, a well lived life. Out of interest do you know when he was in Nigeria? My best friends parents were missionaries in Nigeria for the Church of Scotland, wonder whether there might have been a crossover.It's been a funny old day and I've only just clocked what an amazing guy he was. Born in 1916, he won a bursary to Kingswood School, and was put through medical school by the Methodist church. He then ran a hospital in Nigeria, and laid the foundations for what remains a huge hospital. He left Nigeria after repeated bouts of malaria, and was a GP in South Yorkshire for 30 years. He was a fantastic grandpa, but when I think of the lives he touched I'm staggered.
An example was the Methodist minister who took the service in Dorset. As it happens he grew up in South Yorkshire and was treated by my Grandpa.
Sorry for rambling. It's been an emotial day.
I believe that he was there 1942-1952, at the Wesley Guild Hospital in ilesha. He actually went to university in Edinburgh, and his name was Dr John Powell
He actually wrote a book about his experiences ( and several more books after that) which might be interesting to them - http://www.amazon.co.uk/Scalpel-Spanner-A-Doctor-R...
minerva said:
Just read this thread. I am a doctor and have served with the British Army in many different countries for sixteen years so far....... Have just bought your grandfather's book. I am sure that it will be of value to me.
Would be interested to hear your thoughts on it....minerva said:
Thread resurrection!
Well, it took a while, but I have read his book and it was truly exceptional. What an incredible man he must have been. I cannot find more hours in the day, but he was one of those rare types who seems to have done.
In all honesty, it is people like that that make the world a better place. All too often, I feel that we are surrounded by people who are very keen to satisfy themselves and to pursue personal gain and seem to gain no real enjoyment from helping and assisting others. I wish that I could have known him. Dr Powell's book "scalpel and spanner" is definitely worth a read.
Thanks for the feedback. I have shared your kind words with others in our family and we are all very touched. Well, it took a while, but I have read his book and it was truly exceptional. What an incredible man he must have been. I cannot find more hours in the day, but he was one of those rare types who seems to have done.
In all honesty, it is people like that that make the world a better place. All too often, I feel that we are surrounded by people who are very keen to satisfy themselves and to pursue personal gain and seem to gain no real enjoyment from helping and assisting others. I wish that I could have known him. Dr Powell's book "scalpel and spanner" is definitely worth a read.
We also think Grandpa will be looking down and dancing a little jig when he see's those words
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