"Educating" the other half about business practices
Discussion
I love my other half to bits but it sometimes infuriates me how naive she can be about how companies work.
She's very fortunate in that she works in a family business which is great, working 10-5:30, four days a week. Very cushy, plus she's also the boss. There isn't much that can go wrong apart from the business failing for whatever reason. (Very unlikely). It means she has never had a formal job interview in her life. Nor has she had to deal with company politics and dealing with travelling, expensing, and work hours.
As a result of this, she's constantly annoyed with me having to work late (which is not all that often....maybe once or twice a week at most). I also commute 3 hours every day (120 miles), so my day is long.
She often gets upset when I have to travel abroad which has actually resulted in me cancelling a trip to the US in the past, and even more so when I can't give a fixed date. Meetings change and sometimes I have to leave at short notice. This she hates the most! This is not unusual and it's just one of the things I've always done.
And she gets annoyed when I have to use my own money to purchase things before I can claim them back through expenses. Again, normal from my point of view. I get the money back, so what does it matter?
I don't see anything wrong in what I'm doing. I have a good career, good job so how do I go about dealing with this gently?!
She's even suggested that we "don't need to earn so much", but at the end of the day with money aside, this is my career and I love what I do.
And regardless of this, I've pointed out taking a lesser job will also result in me working the same hours but for less money so what difference would it make.
I suspect a lot of the problem is down to losing time over the commute and arriving home late as a result. It means we barely spend time together as I'm up again at 6am so I tend to fall asleep around 11pm. It means our evenings are about 2-3 hours long. I've suggested moving closer to my job but in fairness, we can't sell up just yet for various reasons and renting is out of the question.
It's even gone as far as suggesting I stay close to work during the week in a studio and come home on Fridays before leaving for work on Monday. Other than giving me more time, I don't think it'll do much else.
Is anyone else here in the same situation and how do you handle it!?
She's very fortunate in that she works in a family business which is great, working 10-5:30, four days a week. Very cushy, plus she's also the boss. There isn't much that can go wrong apart from the business failing for whatever reason. (Very unlikely). It means she has never had a formal job interview in her life. Nor has she had to deal with company politics and dealing with travelling, expensing, and work hours.
As a result of this, she's constantly annoyed with me having to work late (which is not all that often....maybe once or twice a week at most). I also commute 3 hours every day (120 miles), so my day is long.
She often gets upset when I have to travel abroad which has actually resulted in me cancelling a trip to the US in the past, and even more so when I can't give a fixed date. Meetings change and sometimes I have to leave at short notice. This she hates the most! This is not unusual and it's just one of the things I've always done.
And she gets annoyed when I have to use my own money to purchase things before I can claim them back through expenses. Again, normal from my point of view. I get the money back, so what does it matter?
I don't see anything wrong in what I'm doing. I have a good career, good job so how do I go about dealing with this gently?!
She's even suggested that we "don't need to earn so much", but at the end of the day with money aside, this is my career and I love what I do.
And regardless of this, I've pointed out taking a lesser job will also result in me working the same hours but for less money so what difference would it make.
I suspect a lot of the problem is down to losing time over the commute and arriving home late as a result. It means we barely spend time together as I'm up again at 6am so I tend to fall asleep around 11pm. It means our evenings are about 2-3 hours long. I've suggested moving closer to my job but in fairness, we can't sell up just yet for various reasons and renting is out of the question.
It's even gone as far as suggesting I stay close to work during the week in a studio and come home on Fridays before leaving for work on Monday. Other than giving me more time, I don't think it'll do much else.
Is anyone else here in the same situation and how do you handle it!?
TLandCruiser said:
Move or change job if you value your marriage,
Not as easy as that. Where I live, there are no opportunities. I have a very specialist career in a niche market. It means I do very well for myself but there are no opportunities for me nearby where I live.Additionally, I've had this career for over 10 years, and I'm not about to throw away a decade of hard graft in a blink of an eye.
I'm not married just yet (coming this year), but from what I know. Marriage is about compromise and being selfless.
boxst said:
My compromise was that I work mostly at home when I'm not travelling abroad. When I'm not travelling I work a lot but the hours are spread through-out the day. I will take a meeting at 10pm, but also can pick up my daughter at 3:30pm for example.
Is that an option for at least a day or two a week?
I am hoping that further down the line I can do a day or two from home. There's also a slim chance of offices opening nearer to where I live so I could do 3 days in one location and 2 in another.Is that an option for at least a day or two a week?
I also do work from home quite a lot (which funnily enough she never seems to get annoyed with), and she's quite happy to have me do bits and pieces on my laptop while we watch a movie together. This bit baffles me!
Bluebarge said:
In other words, 2 hours together is about the maximum you will ever get of an evening unless you are unemployed or work in a shop.
Exactly this.And as others have mentioned before, she's been rather sheltered however that's not to say she doesn't work hard in what she does....but she has a lot more leeway as it's her family business.
Slowly changing her tune but it's hard to do so without her getting upset and I'm genuinely dreading my next business trip as it's coming up later this month for a week.
Thanks all for the feedback. I'm not going to divulge into salaries obviously but I earn significantly more that she does and she does very well for herself anyway. The point is, I am the primary earner.
Perhaps my wording wasn't exactly spot on at the original time of posting but ultimately when we get married, it'll be me supporting our family when we finally have one, and that's in the not too distant future.
What I didn't mentioned before is she is a single child and her parents pretty much give her everything she needs on top of her normal work salary. They're very well off and while she says she isn't spoilt by them, she clearly is and they make her life incredibly easy. That isn't to say this doesn't benefit me too, as of course it does. I'm very fond of my in-laws as they are of me and they treat me very generously and as a son, but I don't like taking from them. They have offered in the past and it's made me very uncomfortable and while I've borrowed small amounts from them (for my car for example, rather than the bank at their insistence), I have paid them back with interest.
From my point of view, she has a very cushy life and even if she doesn't earn much, her parents will always be there to support her and I never want to be reliant on them for myself or my future family. I'm too proud for that.
Her view on things is sometimes very naive and unrealistic and while she's a very smart girl and very competent in what she does for her work and managing everything, she simply lacks sometimes what I think is a real world view and the reality of a job with high wages to pay for the lifestyle we currently live.
She's more than once said she doesn't need all the nice things we have, but I don't believe that song will ring true once we remove her convertible, 3 bedroom home in the middle of an exclusive golf resort, meals out 1-2 times a week, buying of good food, nice clothes and regular holidays all stop.....
Perhaps my wording wasn't exactly spot on at the original time of posting but ultimately when we get married, it'll be me supporting our family when we finally have one, and that's in the not too distant future.
What I didn't mentioned before is she is a single child and her parents pretty much give her everything she needs on top of her normal work salary. They're very well off and while she says she isn't spoilt by them, she clearly is and they make her life incredibly easy. That isn't to say this doesn't benefit me too, as of course it does. I'm very fond of my in-laws as they are of me and they treat me very generously and as a son, but I don't like taking from them. They have offered in the past and it's made me very uncomfortable and while I've borrowed small amounts from them (for my car for example, rather than the bank at their insistence), I have paid them back with interest.
From my point of view, she has a very cushy life and even if she doesn't earn much, her parents will always be there to support her and I never want to be reliant on them for myself or my future family. I'm too proud for that.
Her view on things is sometimes very naive and unrealistic and while she's a very smart girl and very competent in what she does for her work and managing everything, she simply lacks sometimes what I think is a real world view and the reality of a job with high wages to pay for the lifestyle we currently live.
She's more than once said she doesn't need all the nice things we have, but I don't believe that song will ring true once we remove her convertible, 3 bedroom home in the middle of an exclusive golf resort, meals out 1-2 times a week, buying of good food, nice clothes and regular holidays all stop.....
Bluebarge said:
beanbag said:
She's more than once said she doesn't need all the nice things we have, but I don't believe that song will ring true once we remove her convertible, 3 bedroom home in the middle of an exclusive golf resort, meals out 1-2 times a week, buying of good food, nice clothes and regular holidays all stop.....
OK. Work out a budget for what you would earn if you had a less well-paid job somewhere local (be realistic). Look at what that would buy you locally on Rightmove, if you sold your current place for whatever Zoopla says it is worth (both figures will be inaccurate but they are a starting point). Use a mortgage calculator to see what an affordable mortgage will leave you (don't forget interest rates will only go up). Then work out what the baby will cost you (lots of stuff on t'web for this but ignore the "whole life" figures - just look at food and clothes etc for the growing up period when your wife won't work).Then see if that leaves you anything for holidays and cars and other stuff, then talk to your wife and see if she really would be happy with that.Personally I would discount any cash that may come from her parents or their business - there are an awful lot of family SMEs around that have little value once the driving force reaches retirement age, particularly those that have deliberately stayed small and/or local, so unless it is a business with an amazing brand or valuable IP, then it may well not be worth much when they retire, and dementia and other health issues mean that old people's nest-eggs are increasingly being used to fund their nursing care in old age, rather than being handed down the generations. So I would not assume she will get a chunky inheritance somewhere down the line (I note that you don't want their money but she probably will assume that they will be around to look after her).
TBH, if she's not happy now, she will be even less happy when left on her own with a baby, so you need to work out whether a compromise is necessary and whether she would be happy with that compromise. Her current attitude is unrealistic, but plenty of marriages fall apart because one party is chasing the dollar all the time when actually it is their presence that is wanted, not their cash.
Perhaps it's something else I should have mentioned before but it's a much easier scenario if we were to go and live back in the UK. (Something neither her or I want to do. She was brought up down here and I've found my home in Spain).
In the UK, there are a lot more jobs around for starters and opportunities for us both but in Spain, we're very limited with job prospects, and my career path is tied to Gibraltar. Unless I were to get into the leisure industry (which I assure you I don't), there isn't much more out here for me work wise.
Going back to moving, I think this is the first step we need to take. Moving closer to my place of work will ease the burden for her substantially. I'd be home earlier, we could socialise more as a result and spend time together which is what she wants. Whatever we do, she understandably doesn't want to live too far from her parents and her work, but the latter will be irrelevant in a couple of years as she won't be working once we have kids. This is something she wants to do and I'm very happy with that. But again, more reason to have a good job to support us as a family. Life isn't as cheap around here as most people think!
Also working for less money doesn't mean less hours. At least not that I've seen so while I agree I need to find ways of spending more time with my partner, leaving my current job or even proposing the idea is not a solution. I'll just end up working somewhere I dislike, earning less money, working the same hours and living a lifestyle I don't enjoy and end up feeling resentful. This is something that will kill our relationship in a second. The only perk will be perhaps that extra hour a day I get in the evening....I can't see anything positive about that.
We're both away this weekend on separate holidays. She is off to a very nice health spa in the UK, while I'm heading out to see the boys back in London. (Again more things we couldn't afford without my job), and then we're off again on holiday with our dogs at a gorgeous retreat the following weekend. (More nice things). I'm thinking of bringing up the topic then and just listening to her without giving my opinion. Ultimately, I'm missing something from all this and I need to hear it from her.
supertouring said:
If you need a new girlfiend give me a shout.
I like the sound of an easy job in spain, with convertible, good food and nice house etc.
And I would let you work all the hours you wanted.
(but I will not wear a dress, sorry)
Thanks for letting me know. I'll keep that in mind (just in case) I like the sound of an easy job in spain, with convertible, good food and nice house etc.
And I would let you work all the hours you wanted.
(but I will not wear a dress, sorry)
I see what you're all saying but I hardly work insane hours....at least not comparing to those around me.
My job is effectively 9am-6:30pm which is pretty standard, but it's the 3 hours of commuting that chew up my day. My current day goes like this:
6:15am - wake up and walk dogs
6:45am - shower, sort and feed dogs and breakfast
7:45am - leave for work
9:00am - arrive at work
6:30pm - leave work (sometimes I leave at 6pm)
8:00pm - arrive home
8:00pm - help cook, clean sort out things
9:00pm - watch movie/tv together
10:30pm - short dog walk together
11:00pm - get ready for bed
12:00am - hopefully asleep, ready to start again at 6:15!
I see this as normal aside from my commute and like I said, it's nothing out of the ordinary from comparing those around me. Of course there are times when I travel for work and probably once or twice a month, I stay longer for a drink after work with friends and colleagues.
The 3 hours I spend in my car are effectively useless hours leaving me unable to do sweet FA. This is why in I think if I could move closer to reduce this commute by half, that would result in an extra hour of time in the evenings together and make us both a lot happier.
I just don't see what I'm doing is much different to the majority of us so to say drop it, and try something else would result in the same unless I work from home or I work incredibly close to home.
It's a tough situation to be in.
My job is effectively 9am-6:30pm which is pretty standard, but it's the 3 hours of commuting that chew up my day. My current day goes like this:
6:15am - wake up and walk dogs
6:45am - shower, sort and feed dogs and breakfast
7:45am - leave for work
9:00am - arrive at work
6:30pm - leave work (sometimes I leave at 6pm)
8:00pm - arrive home
8:00pm - help cook, clean sort out things
9:00pm - watch movie/tv together
10:30pm - short dog walk together
11:00pm - get ready for bed
12:00am - hopefully asleep, ready to start again at 6:15!
I see this as normal aside from my commute and like I said, it's nothing out of the ordinary from comparing those around me. Of course there are times when I travel for work and probably once or twice a month, I stay longer for a drink after work with friends and colleagues.
The 3 hours I spend in my car are effectively useless hours leaving me unable to do sweet FA. This is why in I think if I could move closer to reduce this commute by half, that would result in an extra hour of time in the evenings together and make us both a lot happier.
I just don't see what I'm doing is much different to the majority of us so to say drop it, and try something else would result in the same unless I work from home or I work incredibly close to home.
It's a tough situation to be in.
Sump said:
That is not normal.
Normal is up at 7:30, leave house at 8 15am, work for 9am, home by 6pm.
I genuinely don't know anyone in my line of work that gets home by 6pm! Normal is up at 7:30, leave house at 8 15am, work for 9am, home by 6pm.
I suppose I get up early because I want to exercise the dogs and also go for a run / walk to wake up. I also spend ages getting ready because I hate rushing so giving myself an hour means I can saunter about at a leisurely pace and enjoy my shower, breakfast and read the morning news. It's just my routine.
I also leave the house early because the earlier I leave, the earlier I get back home in the evenings so they go hand in hand.
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