Danger in the woods

[mybrainhurts]

Mods, please don't put this in the animal thingy forum, it needs to get to as many people as possible.

If anyone's thinking of taking a walk between Sheffield and Worksop, read on...

A member of the ostrich family, called a rhea, has escaped from a private collection. This thing can't fly, but it can run. Pretty damn' quick, in fact. Some report it can be aggressive, others say it will run away and hide in the bushes if it sees you.

However...

Radio Sheffield interviewed an expert on these things. He warns that the bird has species recognition problems and, if it sees you, it might try to shag you.

Anything that moves or breathes is fair game, it seems.

Now, this thing is 6 feet tall and has a todger that's 12 inches long and shaped like a corkscrew.

If you see it, you can't outrun it, so it might be an idea to brace yourself, shut your eyes and ponder where you might buy some ointment and eye drops.

I'm staying in Sheffield.

[mybrainhurts]

Impasse said:

I'm actually 6' 2".

Yes, but you've not got a 12 inch cock shaped like a corkscrew...

[mybrainhurts]

RobinBanks said:

It seems that this happens reasonably often in the UK

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2906697/Rh...

"But when officers arrived they could do little but sit and watch as the bird, which can reach speeds of 40mph, raced past."

They need a Stinger....

[mybrainhurts]

bern said:

I live mile away from where this has escaped and do of lot of walking around there.

Fortunately most of the walking I do is with a mate of mine who is about 22 stone! So I haven't got to outrun the ostrich thing just my mate!

The spirit of Rolf's Two Little Boys is well and truly dead and buried...

You bastid....

[mybrainhurts]

Whoever designed these things, what the hell was he thinking of?

I'd take it on, I have a black belt in cake demolition...

[mybrainhurts]

soad said:

Or play dead.

Yeah, that's a good idea...lie face down in front of something that wants to shag you.

What could possibly go wrong...?

[mybrainhurts]

Dan_1981 said:

rhinochopig said:

So you're staying in Sheffield MBH. Where do you normally live when you're not hiking between Shef and Worksop?

Rotherham I understand

You utter swine, I'll get you for that....

[mybrainhurts]

soad said:

Alvin Hall Ostrich Attack:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8QHw9lrMao#t=37

Missed that yesterday...

[mybrainhurts]

Bill said:

mybrainhurts said:

I'm staying in Sheffield.

You've borrowed a feather boa and are wandering round making clucking noises, aren't you?

Given the right protection, I'll be bait for most things, but I draw the line at a 12 inch corkscrew....

[mybrainhurts]

glenrobbo said:

mybrainhurts said:

Impasse said:

I'm actually 6' 2".

Yes, but you've not got a 12 inch cock shaped like a corkscrew...

How do you know?

A little rhea told me...

[mybrainhurts]

Timmy40 said:

My latest theory is that this is all part of an elaborate misinformation campaign by the OP to explain himself when he comes back from one of those "long walks in the woods" with a sore bum and muddy trousers.

Bugger...thought I'd got away with it.

[mybrainhurts]

rohrl said:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-33285961

It's been recaptured.

"There were unconfirmed sightings of the 6ft (1.82m) tall, flightless bird in South Yorkshire, but Nottinghamshire Police said it was found in Hodsock."

Poor old Dave Hodsock....