Coke

[Rich_W]

I'll try to keep this brief. And a bit vague

A friend of mine, from a different background socially. Is fundamentally a good person, but hangs out with a crowd that are not great for her. What started as a bit of Weed has progressed to Coke and of late a bit more than occasionally. I know whose giving it to her, but I know he's (think you can guess) not her only source if she wanted to get some. I've met some of the people and they are typical chav scum wasters. No aspirations, no work ethic. Plastic gangsters and coke head GF's. But she's known them for years so getting her to ditch them for her few cleaner mates is probably a non starter.

I know her Dads view is "doesn't like it, but is Ok" with the weed use. (Get the impression he's dabbled in his childhood) But "he'd go mad if he knew about the gear"

She's recently said twice in passing that she thinks she might be doing a bit too much, (her nose hurts the morning after) but it's not exactly a "cry for help" yet. Obviously she trusts me with this info. She knows it's not my thing. So I find it interesting that she told me. I told her casually to maybe just back it off a bit. Limit it to weekends or something. But I suspect it's social acceptance / easy availability that's driving this.

This is probably coming across as white knight. I'm guessing the best thing is to just be there is she wants to talk about it, not to force anything. It's not affecting her work life or anything. But I rather not see her go the way of her social group. But then I guess who am I to decide on her life?

Thoughts? Or relevant websites for me to read if anyone has any (Not necessarily going to do anything yet, just like to be pre-armed if she does decide talk about it again)

[Rich_W]

hman said:

If you wade in, you will be wrong - but if shes caught with it or gets caught driving whilst under the influence the penalties are very high.

Oh, I know the risk of making a song and dance about it isn't worth it. Was only going to respond to her rather than bring it up.

I know she has driven once on it. Short distance (1/2 a mile) because otherwise she would have to have left her car somewhere which would have raised questions from Dad. (she's a real daddy's girl since her mum is not around) I believe that's a one off and she knew it was stupid. So hopefully unlikely to repeat. She's also not sitting on any generally it's supplied to her as and when so getting caught in possession is probably unlikely too

Edited by Rich_W on Thursday 1st October 20:41

[Rich_W]

Not really a case of winning. Just being supportive if/when she feels able/wants to talk to me.

I guess that's the simple thing to do. Listen and give an honest opinion without ramming it down her throat. (ahem)

[Rich_W]

andy-xr said:

is this the girl who you were trying to figure out how to tell her happy birthday and then nail her, or a different girl?

Different.

PH user in "knows more than 1 girl shocker"

Birthday girl has actually been in touch recently. Had a bit of a laugh back n forth. So that's possibly got a bit more legs than I thought at the time. But thanks for the posting history check.


To those offering sensible advice. Ta. I'm not going to mention anything to do with it, just play it by ear. If she mentions it we'll talk, if not we'll talk about other things. Probably not going to run a million miles from her though like some have suggested. As others have said, you can't MAKE anybody do anything if they don't WANT to. So we'll see how it progresses. I can see why someone said about paternal instincts though. And she's not at any sort of tipping point yet. So there's time to see if she just stops/cuts back on her own.

To the guy that mentioned it earlier. I would suggest there's absolutely NO chance of cokegirl ever being naked in front of me. Let alone shagging her. And yes it has been said to me if you get her a gram or 2 you'd probably score. Now I can go cold blooded when required. But that is probably beyond me. Conscience do cost

[Rich_W]

andy-xr said:

Meh, anyone willing to talk about it on a casual level to look cool probably isn't doing as much as they could be, otherwise they'd not show off about it.

...

and a bit of casual isn't really a cause for concern in my mind. Sounds more like wannabe rebel than anything

sc0tt said:

Indeed. I wouldn't be packing her off to rehab just yet.

Don't panic. She seems like she is trying to look clever by mouthing off.

Showing off is probably pretty accurate. Mutual friends have used that phrase along with Centre of attention

But I dunno why she'd tell me. Since she knows (Nose?) it's not something that interests me so why even bring it up. I guess like many men, I'll never fully understand a twentysomething girls brain.

Like I say, I'll see how it progresses. I was never about to do anything dramatic or force anything. Just wanted to be pre-armed with more knowledge than I currently have.

[Rich_W]

bramley said:

...She could be really struggling mentally...

The amount used has increased over the last 4-6 weeks I guess. I know roughly what's going on in her life. It's potentially related to one thing, and partially to another (sorry to be vague)

bramley said:

...OP if you want to pm me I'm happy to offer what support I can.

Thanks. At the risk of sounding rude. Have you background in this?

bramley said:

...I guess the people that are saying walk away are the same people that say 'cheer up' to people with depression.

I've had mutual friends tell me to do that. I know WHY they say it tbf. They think that I'm putting my sanity in jeopardy trying to "save the damsel in distress" "Ho into a Housewife" has been used.

Matt UK said:

I had a mate a while back, late 90s, ...

So did I. Was E's not Coke. Ultimately threw away his career and I lost touch with him. I've also had a ex from 6 years ago who started to get into coke. And the arguments/ her continuing usage became the reason we split up. I have no idea what happened to her, bar she had a kid and moved up north somewhere. I do wonder if those are driving my interest in this girls health. Not sure that's the best place to be coming from though.

Matt UK said:

My view was that it was all about the company he was keeping - again not totally different from how your OP, but maybe he'd gone a bit deeper.

Easy to tell him to 'stop hanging around with them', so I just started inviting him to other stuff and keeping in contact more, even just regular "Alright chap, all good?"

I've been thinking of trying just that, but I don't want to all of a sudden really up my contact or it could backfire. I'll give her a few days space and see how she is.

Matt UK said:

When we met for a drink I'd drive to a country pub for a meal and a chat instead of the pubs/clubs in town.

I had the same plan. As I said in the OP. She's from a different background. She has NEVER been to anywhere that you or I would call classy. Problem with that is she's a quite attractive girl. She also has a BF (who you can guess is not that healthy for her) so I have to be careful about how I phrase stuff or it looks like a date! And she's almost certainly not attracted to me, so I don't want her to not go, because she thinks I'm trying it on. Can't ask for mutual to tag along because all our mutual think I should run far away. Plus she might not open up as much.

GCH said:

...

That you don't partake and she is confiding in you, is a giveaway imho.

Maybe. Maybe not. I really can't say for sure though. Could easily be Attention seeking. Could be "I trust him to listen" Can't tell at this point.

GCH said:

... don't underestimate the clique created by disappearing into a toilet cubicle together to do something secret, illegal and that is a 'bonding experience'

Seen that "look" they give each other when they are off to powder their noses in the Ladies. Makes me sad. Reminds me of my ex and her friends.

GCH said:

Her nose will be hurting because of the cut.

Horse de-wormer!

As ever though. Thanks for all the replies. I won't mention it first. She needs to mention it to me. If she does OK, if she doesn't then I just have to be a bit more patient.

Edited by Rich_W on Sunday 4th October 22:08

Edited by Rich_W on Monday 5th October 00:48

[Rich_W]

sc0tt said:

How much are we talking?

Hard to be specific. Lets assume a gram or 2 between 3-4 of her and mates. But it was the regularity that has changed. Once every other week. Seems to have become more often twice a week (granted not EVERY week. Depends on who she's socialising with) As I've said earlier. This is not the tipping point. And as someone above said Coke is a "social drug" I don't think she's snorting lines from her bedroom on her own just yet.

Pesty said:

You say you are friends. How close?

Close enough that I could phone her right now and have a long chat with her "Hows your day been? Hows the BF?" without too much trouble. (subject to what shes up to obviously) Some would say "Older brother" If that's not a bit OTT. She's an only child, lives with her Dad. Whom I've also met. But I've never bought her flowers. HTH

Pesty said:

I'm also wondering how she can afford it, have you seen how much it is these days.

Pass. Though the other day when I saw her she said she was skint. I said, but you just got paid. Yeah I know I spent most of it already. Granted she's not on great wages, but either her car is really burning the petrol at the moment (small supermini) Or it's going elsewhere. And it's not like she has any hobbies or sports she plays. Though in her defence she's cut back on cigarettes recently.


Reading this thread again. I'm still kind of torn. Sometime I think I'm over reacting and sometimes I think the opposite. Time will tell how/when/if this changes.

Edited by Rich_W on Thursday 8th October 21:09

[Rich_W]

Pesty said:

I'm also wondering how she can afford it, have you seen how much it is these days.

Had some chats over the last few days with her on this very subject, so thought I'd update and conclude this st. Prepare for "you couldn't make it up!" moment

So like most 20Somethings these days, she lives beyond her means. So we have Car finance & Insurance, Credit Card loaded with designer accessories, Trainers & an iPad. Shes been arguing with her dad because she's behind on the rent (He's not being unreasonable, he works 2 jobs as it is to keep a roof over their heads!) Christmas is coming, so she HAS to buy presents for people. Seems unable to go a day without going to the pub/coffee shop (depending on social group) which obviously is not cheap. And as the cherry on top she owes dealers (plural!) money for various substances. (one is unlikely to chase her for money, the other seems to be ok with her sliding for a while since she'll buy more in the future. She's not about to get beat up or worse yet afaik)

But don't worry for her solution to this is to chuck a dealer she knows "that I trust as Ive known him years!" £200 so he can then buy a bigger package and sell it in a week and she'll get double the money back in a week. (as if it was those sorts of margins at this bottom of the barrel level!) The hints were this has been prompted by going with someone recently to buy some. (the glamour of it all I guess) I've told her "I can't tell you what to do, but I don't think it's good. And as a friend, who you trust, if you do go down this route be very, VERY careful!!" She said it's only till she sorts herself out. But I think we've all heard that before.

(Side story, saw a guy do 2 and a half for possession. He was just a driver, but became a patsy for that group! )

Despite my protestations, she seems to think this is completely risk free! That as she wont touch the stuff she'll be fine. Sadly the CPS website suggests financial gain is 2-7 years. And the way this motley bunch operate they are destined to get caught! One is currently on remand for breaking his suspended sentence. fktards! She also told me this plan whilst sitting in a well known coffee chain, so discretion is not an option it seems.

This is MY tipping point. I'm not going to lend her money, since it won't help. I can't tell her Dad. She's not listening to me when I tell her this is a cack idea (Women huh! ) And she's swerved my invite for free coffee (wanted to face2face her about this scheme) as she was out with these dicks 2 nights running and was feeling ill. Part of me wants her to get ripped off to teach her a lesson. But then what would she do next?

I really can't see a solution to this anymore. My hopes were to try and get her to spend more time with her sensible friends, not the wkers. But this has escalated far more than I envisaged. I considered sitting with her and trying to work out a plan to get out of debt, but she'd likely not stick to it anyway. I'm going to cut back on my contact over the next few weeks. Something I really didn't want to do, but I'm not seeing any way to help anymore.

It's funny, before this summer, she never really hung around in this group. She had a job she loved and seemed quite content generally. Certainly no pics on her FB of the idiots. And her friends she used to hang around with also don't see her so much judging from postings. I think her best friend got a bf, so she was a bit "lost" for a time so ended up in the wrong group.

It's such a waste.

[Rich_W]

Oakey said:

hardly makes them Pablo Escobar

Clearly. Doesn't mean I have to like it though. And as she's easily led at times. I predict this will not end well. And I'd rather not be there to see/become involved by association by it.

(Or more accurately be there to fruitlessly try and pick up the pieces like a mug)

[Rich_W]

Oakey said:

No what I mean is, her plan to give this guy £200 so he can get a 'bigger package' so she can double her money. She's deluded. It's peanuts. What sort of 'dealer' needs to borrow £200 to buy drugs to sell? Even complete fkups can usually get some credit.

Indeed. It all seems suspect to me. Like they are just going to rip her off or set her up. As you say its not a lot in the greatscale of things, but I'd rather she gave it to her Dad tbh. But horses and water spring to mind.

Axionknight said:

She's subbing him £200 to buy coke - what does that buy? fk all is my wager, £40/gram = 5 grams or just less than a sixth of an ounce, he'd certainly be getting it cheaper no doubt but wow, big f'ing wow.....

Someone said she'd be turning tricks within six month, probably will be too, all for a bit of coke, what a tool.

One of my friends who vaguely knows her said the tricks part to me. He's also of the "leave her to it" group that I was trying to ignore (yes I'm an idiot) until this new "plan" was revealed.

[Rich_W]

andy-xr said:

You can either like it or not like it, but I can tell you that making judgements and evaluations and beating your holy stick about it wont solve anything for her or for you. Why the frustration? Control?

You've come on saying how bad this person is, so why get further involved with them when they dont seem to want your help anyway?

Definition of insanity

True enough.

I guess my frustration is directed more at myself though. She said something and I seized upon it, and started this thread, and read various websites. And I idiotically believed that I could, somehow control (Yes, I know, I'm an idiot ) this and help. White Knight and then some! When as you rightly say she almost certainly isn't looking for my help. Since maybe her coke buddies ARE more important to her than everyone else. (I get a perverse pleasure in seeing the leader of their little posse already looking haggered at the young age he is though) Also part of my frustration is because she was evidently doing more than I thought, to the point of financial implications.

But not to worry. I'm taking the advice of various posters (who I appreciate because you are all impartial. Hence this thread) and my friends and going to just let her get on with it.

jonamv8

Oh yes. Definetly.

[Rich_W]

andy-xr said:

If she wants your help and you want to give it to her (the help that is) that's fine, but forcing her to accept it is going to get it thrown back at you and you'll then think she's the biggest bh ever. Til she wants the help there's no point looking

I agree completely. I think I just got in a bit of a panic the last few days when I realised the full extent of it all. Thankfully, I haven't done anything yet though. Our friendship is still the same. I've not mentioned anything to her about this other than my cautioning her the other night. I'm not labouring the point, and my last message to her yesterday was a piss take about something else entirely. So as per peoples advice let her get on with it. Hopefully, she'll want to talk about sooner rather than later. But until that time...

Simblade re: Video. I suspect most get that environmental conditions can cause addictions. And them saying that what you need to do is sort the cause of the unhappiness/addiction first before the symptons is just logical really. Saying that how do you get her to stop seeing (some) of her friends (and 1 in particular!) as not in her best interests.

Short of setting him up to get arrested with a large quantity of class A on him of course

Edited by Rich_W on Thursday 15th October 20:27