Misfits, Dad's Army Types et al...

[wildcat45]

Where do they come from? How do they not end up getting punched?

Two incidents recently. All very funny, and I've just been recounting them to a friend.

Last night I went to a public meeting to do with local services. Like a Parish council thing I suppose.

Centre stage in the audience a bossy passive aggressive chap. Interjecting, challenging the speakers - who were just delivering a report - making loud stage whispers hinting that he was or had been very important.

People just let him get away with it until
One speaker on the stage told him to save his questions for the Q and A. When that time came, he was as quiet as a mouse.

A few weeks ago I went to an induction day for volunteers who are needed for a big public event in the summer. They need liaison people to work with participants. I thought it could be fun.

fk me! What a freak
Show.

Several contingents of Walts in some sort of unofficial uniform based around a Royal Navy theme. Some sort if maritime based volunteer group I guess. Very self important and trying to assume control.

A chap who arrived with a clutch of lanyards and ID cards round his neck. He kept trying to collar the organizers saying things like. 'I'm very experienced and I feel we really need a one to one meeting rather that me being with the general public.'

Then there were the disabled. Not their fault, but know your limits. This event won't be suitable for someone in an electric wheelchair. But one guy rocked up, ran across several
Sets of feet - including mine - with no apology and kept interrupting the proceedings with various statements and questions starting with 'I am disabled and....'

Another aggressive man kept shouting 'My daughter is a teacher and she can't be here today but.....'

The final straw for me was registration. They needed five people at a time and one guy decided to divide the group up by tapping people on the shoulder saying '1,2,3,4,5, you lot stand there. Now you five wait there...etc'

The organizers had it all in hand.

Needless to say I ignored him and joined a registration queue. He approached me, tapped me in the shoulder and ordered me away.

'Please don't touch me again.' I Said quietly. He continued to shout orders at me. My response again very quietly: 'I told you once to leave me alone. Now please fk off before you make me angry. '

He went red in the face, made some indignant noises then went off to bully some people standing around drinking coffee.

Why do certain events attract these freaks? I'm probably a freak and I don't even know it!

All posted in good humour.

[wildcat45]

And let's hear your funny stories of Dad's Army types.

[wildcat45]

I did not and if I may say it is quite remiss of the committee not to have sent this to me.

I propose a communications (internal) sub-committee to report to a steering group on this to prevent future occurrences. As I have held a middle-management position at Mole Valley Valves for some 23 years, I feel it incumbent upon me to proffer my services as chair.

[wildcat45]

EnglishTony said:

Mole Valley Valves?

I attempted to do business with them once. Utter shower.

However I am prepared to overlook this matter and 2nd you for my normal conditions vis a vis unmarked 20s.

Martin Bryce worked for them in BBC TV's. 'Ever Decreasing Circles.'

[wildcat45]

I looked it up before I posted: Said in a pedantic adanoidal tone.

http://www.tvcream.co.uk/?p=1095

I believe I am correct and you have made an error which I will overlook on this occasion.

[wildcat45]

ClaphamGT3 said:

Has it ever occurred to you that YOU are a member of the public, you pompous twerp.....

I don't want to criticise the guy as I really have no idea about what he does, however you point out something I have noticed in the past. Referring to members of the public as if they are not part of that group themselves. Unless you are Royalty or in the military you are a member of the public. That includes police, councils, coastguard and other civilian groups with official powers or authority over OTHER members of the public.

Somebody was telling me recently about Radio Hams. There was some sort of event, all organised and risk assessed and some Hams turned up to "manage comms" before proceeding to get in the way, try to call the shots and generally bugger about.

Back to my OP. I forgot to mention another priceless individual. There had been brief mention as part of an overview that the police would have a Bronze Command on site. This was in a gathering of 100-plus people. The man is H. The organiser is O:

H: Will we get radios?
O: No.
H: Why not?
O: Your role won't require you to have one. The person supervising you all will have one.
H: If there's an incident, I'll need to be updating the Bronze, no the Gold Commander.
O: You won't.
H: But if there's an incident, how can I take charge if you won't give me the tools to do the job. I will need a radio with access to the police commanders. I need to be able to...

And so it went on until he fell. Silent. Then, a little later.

H: What about uniforms?
O: I was coming to that, we'll be giving you all Tee shirts.
H: What about a High-Viz jacket? Will there be badges? How will people - the general public, participants and the police be able to recognise my status if there aren't any badges?

So basically this inadequate bloke wanted to be a policeman.

To be clear, the volunteer role is to act as a friend to teams of participants. Many will be from overseas. The role is to pass on info from the organisers and make sure the participants are having their needs met.

I just thought it might make a nice few days break from the routine over the summer. A chance do something different and maybe learn some stuff from people from China, Kenya, Brasil or whatever while having fun. It seems instead I'll be in constant piss take mode doing my best to annoy pompous self important tts.

[wildcat45]

mph1977 said:

has it ever occured that volunteers are 3 , 4 or 5 times the person you claim to be ?

Some or all? Some like the RNLI are selfless heroes. Others are self important knobs. See my posts above as an illustration.

Some of the offence being taken here illustrates my point as well. It's a kind of how dare you dare speak to me like that attitude. Do not challenge my authority - which they don't have.

Anyway, I really wanted this thread to be a light hearted look at the Captain Mainwarings, Martin Bryces and Mr Hodges of this world.

[wildcat45]

ThunderGuts said:

It has kind of demonstrated the point though

It has ThunderGuts, it has indeed. It ThunderGuts your radio call sign when you are out hampering the efforts of the emergency services or bossing the public about at village shows? I do hope so. :-) WildCat Four-Five Out/

[wildcat45]

ClaphamGT3 said:

Indulge me - who do I claim to be?

Well your profile says you are a Chartered Surveyor. Now I've known a couple of chaps like you over the years. Both had Hi-Viz clothing. Both owned white hard hats. Both would tramp around sites with clipboards and tell people stuff. At least one had a Land Rover - no yellow light though.

Sooo. I reckon you are a closet 4x4 Red Response Urban 4th Energency Service chap. Probably a regional chairman with a lot of power and respect.

All this piss taking of volunteers is just a tactic to build on your already impressive powe base.

Tell me I am wrong.

You've been outed matey! Hand in your mag mount orange light on the way out. I think you'll find I started this thread and that I have OP status. There's the door.

Oh and the steering group and the regional sub-committee will hear of this. You mark my words.

:-)

[wildcat45]

ClaphamGT3 said:

Busted!




My 4x4 is used for going shooting, watching polo and, occasionally, striking a retro tone at South London dinner parties, not as a backdrop to Norbert Fannybatter style behaviour, waddling around events in hi viz, combat trousers and a beard

Off topic.

That is too gorgeous for words. I was 10 or 11 when they brought the four door out and I remember climbing all over one just like that on display at Burleigh.

Didn't you post a thread about restoring this a few years ago? It looks familiar. One of those is on my list but I fear I'd not be able to afford one as a second, or weekend car.

When my Disco Sport was new a few months ago I did get offered a straight swap with a CSK by a bloke at a car show. My wife said no.

[wildcat45]

As the OP and therefore owner of this thread it is indeed gratifying to see so many of you responding in a favourable manner.

I trust this thread will attain legendary status thus elevating me in the level of respect and deference of which I undoubtedly command. I may not have been here for 100 months, but no doubt when this happens in six months time I will assume the right to tell the rest of you, and the moderators for that matter exactly what to do.

Is there a PH committee I can join then take over?

[wildcat45]

Car clubs attract these types. I am not a joiner by nature. I was in the Cubs for a week when I was 8 and that was run by a tosser. I think that set me on the path of not joining.

I was browsing one car clubs site once when I found a page entitled something like: "How to enjoy your day out with us."

I'll fkin well decide how I'll enjoy my day out with or without you. Thank you.

It was clear that there was a rank structure based around a leader (and his wife) and a trusted lieutenant (and wife).

The rules for this allegedly enjoyable day out were that you mustered at some shop car park or motorway service at NO LATER than X o' Clock.

The leader would lead at all times, with the Lieutenant at the back of the convoy. All participants were expected to have a walkie talkie (approved make and model no doubt.) No doubt also there was a strict comms protocol.

The day out involved the convoy moving from one alleged point of interest to another.

The page was littered with comments similar to:

At 12.30 we will stop at the shill Peak cafe for brief refreshment. For those of you who insist on breaking with the group for lunch you will find the Badger and Cock approximately 4 miles down the B6478 in the village of Clunge. PLEASE MAKE SURE all members are back at the shill Peak car park by NO LATER than 13.00. We will not wait for you and it will be your responsibility to meet us at the Aldi car park at Suckwilly-on-Flange by 1800.

Then there was the evening "entertainment" at some pub or other where you had to choose your food sixteen months in advance and send the money to some treasurer.

How on the face of the weeping earth is that fun? A day out driving in a line of cars between pre-determined destinations to a strict timetable while being bossed round by a self-appointed command team.

I was tempted to go, and take my socially unacceptable when drunk pal along for the sport.

I didn't because life's too short.

Edited by wildcat45 on Friday 13th May 13:55

[wildcat45]

nicanary said:

. Thanks for being so tolerant when the thread drifted heavily towards p*ss-taking of a certain group.

I have screen grabbed every page for inclusion in a dossier that I will present to Haymarket when I go - uninvited - to their AGM where I will repeatedly interrupt the delivery of the annual report with irrelevant questions and unfounded accusations.

FYI, a word to the wise. Your name won't be in the dossier. I can see we are like minded people. A cut above those other so-called motoring enthusiasts.

[wildcat45]

Now as you all look up to me and as I obviously have far too much time on my hands this Friday, I thought I would make the next series of posts the definitive guide to how you the ordinary hum drum non-off roading man in the street can turn yourself into a super human Angel Responder.

WARNING! Blah blah blah, do NOT attempt this unless blah blah blah trained professional blah blah blah.you don't have a clue but I do.

So.

You need the ultimate 4 X 4 X Far. Ideally a knackered Land Rover Discovery 2. I can't afford one - and I guess neither can you - so well just make do with this pile of Chinese crap in the shape of a 2016 Discovery Sport. (It's just a Ford Mondeo under the skin. Not many people know that. Inside knowledge see.)





More follows.

Edited by wildcat45 on Friday 13th May 15:54

[wildcat45]

Now to comms and that all important badge of authority.

Note the walkie talkie on the central console. Above it a US Navy hat - given to me by the captain of a warship in thanks after I used the Disco to tow his 9,000 tonne cruiser off some rocks. This IS possible it DID happen. Note too that it essential to have cables and wires hanging from some sort of device in the roof.

[wildcat45]

Back to comms. When the sh one t - pardeon my French but. THIS IS SERIOUS - hits the fan, you are not going to be able to rely on just one 'phone network. You need a 'phone on EVERY network.

Edited by wildcat45 on Friday 13th May 15:34

[wildcat45]

Ok so the goings going to get tough. You MUST HAVE life saving gear like this. A Swiss Army Knife and a mountaineering thingy.



Note they say a Leatherman is the ultimate tool. But we all know, that us. Right?

Next up, penetrating fluid. (Can be used as Napalm or "Liquid sunshine" in a can in case the balloon really goes up and the army calls on your services.)

[wildcat45]

Impasse said:

Sometimes when you try too hard to make a joke funny it isn't.

Oh OK, I'll stop then. I was just trying to brighten people's day a bit. :-(

[wildcat45]

Disastrous said:

Fortunately not the case here!

Shall I continue with my picture guide? I am sometimes a poor judge of humour.

[wildcat45]

Okay, so full authority from the chaps to proceed withTHE guide.

Muchas Grassy Arse Moochachos!

In the boot - it's actually the "Mission Bay" in a Disco - you're gonna need some sort of cage. This MUST restrict your visibility.

Edited by wildcat45 on Friday 13th May 15:58