How to break up with someone
Discussion
Bit of a bad situation but unfortunately I feel my current relationship has run it's course.
No big fights or issues, she is a lovely person, but bluntly, she is too naive for me (it's like being in a relationship with a delicate teenager) and boring. Has no hobbies so has nothing interesting to say, and after 8 months we spend our evenings not talking or with awkward conversation where every attempt to instigate something is met with one word answers.
Annoyingly she is happy to send me essays of text messages but face to face she is too quiet. My friends and family have commented on it, so it's not just me thinking it.
She is the only person I struggle to talk to - I have tried to talk to her about it but it's just her personality is it seems, and who she is. Naturally very quiet and withdrawn.
She lives away from me (by some 120 miles) and we see each other usually alternate weekends.
It's her Birthday this weekend so I will be staying with her and her parents (she lives at home). Obviously I will not break up with her then as this would be asshole-ish.
However after this I would not be seeing her at the earliest until the weekend of the 11th June - too long to have this burden on my shoulders. But due to my car having some work done on it from Monday the 30th I will not be able to drive and I'm certainly not going to use public transport as it's an awful route (you have to go across Central London) and it would be a 6 hour return journey.
To this end due to the above I have very strongly considered explaining my position via Text Message during next week (so after her Birthday) some point - as she seems to be most conversive over this medium, combined with the fact that I can't break up with her over this Birthday weekend, because it's just not nice.
Does anyone have any other suggestions or ideas? Or would this be "OK". I know text is not the nicest thing but from a logistical point of view there is no other way I can see to get the deed done so to speak.
No big fights or issues, she is a lovely person, but bluntly, she is too naive for me (it's like being in a relationship with a delicate teenager) and boring. Has no hobbies so has nothing interesting to say, and after 8 months we spend our evenings not talking or with awkward conversation where every attempt to instigate something is met with one word answers.
Annoyingly she is happy to send me essays of text messages but face to face she is too quiet. My friends and family have commented on it, so it's not just me thinking it.
She is the only person I struggle to talk to - I have tried to talk to her about it but it's just her personality is it seems, and who she is. Naturally very quiet and withdrawn.
She lives away from me (by some 120 miles) and we see each other usually alternate weekends.
It's her Birthday this weekend so I will be staying with her and her parents (she lives at home). Obviously I will not break up with her then as this would be asshole-ish.
However after this I would not be seeing her at the earliest until the weekend of the 11th June - too long to have this burden on my shoulders. But due to my car having some work done on it from Monday the 30th I will not be able to drive and I'm certainly not going to use public transport as it's an awful route (you have to go across Central London) and it would be a 6 hour return journey.
To this end due to the above I have very strongly considered explaining my position via Text Message during next week (so after her Birthday) some point - as she seems to be most conversive over this medium, combined with the fact that I can't break up with her over this Birthday weekend, because it's just not nice.
Does anyone have any other suggestions or ideas? Or would this be "OK". I know text is not the nicest thing but from a logistical point of view there is no other way I can see to get the deed done so to speak.
Edited by xjay1337 on Thursday 26th May 10:12
popeyewhite said:
She sounds a nightmare. Unless the sex is (truly) exceptional get rid immediately. Life's too short.
Not having any. I completely feel the spark gone and have absolutely no urge to even try.I am defo going to have to end it, I can't see a way around it. But I am not going to break up with her this weekend because it's just horrible to have the birthday ruined. Especially as there's planned meals and stuff.
Like I said she isn't a nightmare or anything, just very dull and uninteresting, and quiet. Which I guess yes can be a bit of a nightmare
I can't remember a single joke or bit of banter or whatever that she's had, we are in our mid 20s. There should be some sort of joy lol. We had been texting daily for nearly 4 years before we met and then decided to try a relationship. That probably was something to with it.Weirdly I am feeling quite indifferent by the whole situation. The thought of not being with her doesn't really effect me but having that conversation is going to be guilt-inducing, and I feel it will be far worse for her than me as she will no doubt be in tears etc.
Edited by xjay1337 on Thursday 26th May 10:27
SHutchinson said:
Do not consider doing it via text message. Be a better person, do it face to face, make the trip to go and see her.
But how? I will not be able to get to see her. My car will be having work done on it for 2 weeks.Weekdays I am working, so it's not possible to get there and back in a reasonable time (assuming trains run it would be 3am by the time I got back home assuming an hour of talking - and the one weekend in between I am already busy unfortunately. The 230 ish mile round trip is too long to cycle or anything as well.
The next time I would see her would be when she comes from London, where she works, to see me. And it's not fair on her to have her come to visit only to be told she's dumped either at the start or at the end of the weekend.
No, we never talk on the phone. Only text. Only time we would call each other is if we're meeting somewhere and it's a case of "I'm here, where are you?"
That would work but my relationship status isn't on Facebook. :-(
As brutal and effective as that may be I don't want to broadcast it to my closest friends. I have a lot of gossipers.
944fan said:
Change you Facebook status to single and up for it. She will get the message.
That would work but my relationship status isn't on Facebook. :-(
As brutal and effective as that may be I don't want to broadcast it to my closest friends. I have a lot of gossipers.
Thanks Wildcat - Some good thoughts there.
via texts she definitely has a better personality. She is more outgoing, a bit more jokey etc. If she was as outgoing and chatty and witty as her texts suggest then I wouldn't even be in this situation. :-(
I would say she suffers from low self confidence, but I have tried to build this up for her. I do suffer from depression and anxiety but I have really worked hard through medication and general life and friendship changes to deal with this, and as such I find my day to day life very positive. Without being selfish it is hard enough for me to manage my own issues without having to almost baby-sit her in face to face social situations. I am not a doctor but there are some signs of autism in her but we can apply those to many people haha.
The idea of bringing up concerns rather than outright dumping her is a good idea. For all I know she may be feeling that I am not what she was expecting and we come to a more mutual agreement.
I haven't really thought much about what I was going to have said, but it would be something along the lines of "maybe we both came into this relationship with expectations of each other which were not true" and "our lack of any common interests makes it hard to come up with conversation".
In answer to some other posts -
She avoids any sort of conflict or confrontation at all so she may feel the same about me, in that I am maybe too outgoing or jokey , but she wouldn't say it. Overall I would say she is happy aside from perhaps us not sleeping together (through my choice rather than hers)
via texts she definitely has a better personality. She is more outgoing, a bit more jokey etc. If she was as outgoing and chatty and witty as her texts suggest then I wouldn't even be in this situation. :-(
I would say she suffers from low self confidence, but I have tried to build this up for her. I do suffer from depression and anxiety but I have really worked hard through medication and general life and friendship changes to deal with this, and as such I find my day to day life very positive. Without being selfish it is hard enough for me to manage my own issues without having to almost baby-sit her in face to face social situations. I am not a doctor but there are some signs of autism in her but we can apply those to many people haha.
The idea of bringing up concerns rather than outright dumping her is a good idea. For all I know she may be feeling that I am not what she was expecting and we come to a more mutual agreement.
I haven't really thought much about what I was going to have said, but it would be something along the lines of "maybe we both came into this relationship with expectations of each other which were not true" and "our lack of any common interests makes it hard to come up with conversation".
In answer to some other posts -
SHutchinson said:
Whut?? You live 120 miles apart and you never speak on the phone? You only communicate by text?
Err, I'm sure your pen-pal with benefits won't take it too hard!!
Like I said she doesn't really do very well with verbal communication!Err, I'm sure your pen-pal with benefits won't take it too hard!!
Vaud said:
Take this the right way but it sounds more like she/you didn't want to be alone rather than there was ever a real spark.
Maybe. There was definitely a spark to begin with, the first month or two were great. Then once I started to see some parts of her personality, quiet, naive, annoying little things like leaving her contact lenses on the side table and stuff I began to get annoyed. I have brought up those little things with her and she had tried to be fair.andburg said:
Long distance is a struggle
4 years of talk to me says you've had the honeymoon period before you started the relationship.
Ask yourself this, right now how do you think she is feeling?
I always used to get the same feeling as you guilt. Forcing someone to talk about it isn't pleasent. They didn't like it at the time but i always said i was blunt and wouldn't continue to waste our time. All my proper ex's are now married and have kids so it worked out for them in end.
I genuinely don't know. But I would agree we never really had that honeymoon period as we knew so much about each other.4 years of talk to me says you've had the honeymoon period before you started the relationship.
Ask yourself this, right now how do you think she is feeling?
I always used to get the same feeling as you guilt. Forcing someone to talk about it isn't pleasent. They didn't like it at the time but i always said i was blunt and wouldn't continue to waste our time. All my proper ex's are now married and have kids so it worked out for them in end.
She avoids any sort of conflict or confrontation at all so she may feel the same about me, in that I am maybe too outgoing or jokey , but she wouldn't say it. Overall I would say she is happy aside from perhaps us not sleeping together (through my choice rather than hers)
ali_kat said:
Couple of initial questions
How old is she? How old are you?
What did you see in her?
How long have you been together?
Is she the same when you see her away from her home? Is she as quiet when she is out with her friends?
Could you not arrange to meet her in the middle next weekend?
She's 25 (going on 26). I'm 25.How old is she? How old are you?
What did you see in her?
How long have you been together?
Is she the same when you see her away from her home? Is she as quiet when she is out with her friends?
Could you not arrange to meet her in the middle next weekend?
I saw a caring and interesting personality during the time we were texting. She is caring very much so but so little confidence in herself and is naive.
We have been together maybe..8 or 9 months? Been texting for years as I mentioned.
When she is at home (I've only visited once before a few weekends after Christmas) she is still fairly quiet but notably more outgoing and chatty. I've not seen her with her friends. She was very outgoing when we first started going out but this soon faded.
The weekend in between is a no-go for me as I'm pretty stacked :-(
NRS said:
Are you really in as much of a rush that waiting a few weeks is too much before you talk to her? Sounds like you should end it, and maybe she thinks the same (just wants a friend it seems), but I agree it's best not to dump on the birthday. However a few extra weeks shouldn't be a problem for waiting, particularly since it seems to have been this way for a while.
No, that's true. But every day I think about it as in "i just need to find the right time".It seems unfair for her to travel to me after work only to be told that she's dumped and have a 3 hour journey back home. Would I do it when I pick her up from the train stations, or on the Sunday before she goes home? It just seems asshole-ish.
I could try the lion king?
Although due to where she works, she comes to me. I don't force her or even ask her, she just says "I can come over on these weekends". I've been to her house once in 8 months. She is the one arranging dates to come over and stuff
Although yes she could well feel the same but lack the nerve.
sc0tt said:
Birthday card.
"Happy birthday. You're Dumped".
Pretty brutal. "Happy birthday. You're Dumped".
Pickled Piper said:
Have you considered that she wants to break up but lacks the nerve to do it? Women often do this hoping the guy gets the message and finishes it.
It does sound like it was over some time ago but you keep turning up at her house.
Possibly.It does sound like it was over some time ago but you keep turning up at her house.
Although due to where she works, she comes to me. I don't force her or even ask her, she just says "I can come over on these weekends". I've been to her house once in 8 months. She is the one arranging dates to come over and stuff
Although yes she could well feel the same but lack the nerve.
GreatGranny said:
OP, can't believe you are going to wait.
Ring her up tonight and do it.
Get it over with.
By the sounds of it you aren't that close or attached to each other so it may come as a relief to her and you.
I'm sure she will be ok.
Don't drag it on any longer.
(And it will save you fuel money and the cost of a card and present!)
But I've already bought her presents and I can't send them back (didn't bloody think that one through did I?! It was £50 haha).Ring her up tonight and do it.
Get it over with.
By the sounds of it you aren't that close or attached to each other so it may come as a relief to her and you.
I'm sure she will be ok.
Don't drag it on any longer.
(And it will save you fuel money and the cost of a card and present!)
mrtwisty said:
FrankAbagnale said:
hornetrider said:
xjay1337 said:
We had been texting daily for nearly 4 years before we met
U wot m8?
Come on OP, give us a clue...BlackST said:
Do either have you have friends who you go out with?
Or are you both pretty quiet people?
The relationship clearly isn't for you so I'd just speak to her as soon as you can. Pointless wasting your time and maybe her time. The sooner you both finish it the sooner you can get out there and be single or find someone who shares the same interests as yourself and you can start enjoying life more. Maybe find someone a bit closer to home?
I take it either of you aren't experienced that much in life and relationships? Sex wise and experience?
Get out there. Sample everything there is
25 is only young and you only live once.
I'm 26 btw, happily in a relationship and have been for 8 years, due to be married next month.
Everyone is different but you can't attach yourself to someone who you don't see/ don't speak to in a meaningful way/ don't experience things with.
I am very chatty and outgoing. A smallish but pretty good circle of friends, I see very regularly. No issues talking with other people.Or are you both pretty quiet people?
The relationship clearly isn't for you so I'd just speak to her as soon as you can. Pointless wasting your time and maybe her time. The sooner you both finish it the sooner you can get out there and be single or find someone who shares the same interests as yourself and you can start enjoying life more. Maybe find someone a bit closer to home?
I take it either of you aren't experienced that much in life and relationships? Sex wise and experience?
Get out there. Sample everything there is
25 is only young and you only live once.I'm 26 btw, happily in a relationship and have been for 8 years, due to be married next month.
Everyone is different but you can't attach yourself to someone who you don't see/ don't speak to in a meaningful way/ don't experience things with.
Other than that my car and motorcycle keep me busy and happy :-)
She has a smaller circle of friends. She does Brownie leading and stuff and I think only really sees her friends when she's doing that. It's very rare she says she went out and did anything that wasn't with her parents.
I'm plenty experienced in relationships haha. Her less so. Before me she wasn't with anyone for over 8 years.
I've just never been fortunate enough to be the one breaking up with the other person so it's a bit of a new experience for me hahaha.
TIGA84 said:
I'm going to be cruel to be kind here.
After reading your situation I'm struggling to see what relationship you are trying to get out of.
You hardly see her.
She's been to your house once in 8 months.
You don't (or haven't?) slept together.
You don't talk, you don't laugh, you basically don't do anything together.
Bottom line? Your relationship doesn't exist, you are simply 2 people that spent 4 years texting each other who have met face to face and continue to do the same albeit with a different label.
You don't have a relationship, you have a friend that you text and see occasionally.
Respectfully either I've not been clear or you don't read very well.After reading your situation I'm struggling to see what relationship you are trying to get out of.
You hardly see her.
She's been to your house once in 8 months.
You don't (or haven't?) slept together.
You don't talk, you don't laugh, you basically don't do anything together.
Bottom line? Your relationship doesn't exist, you are simply 2 people that spent 4 years texting each other who have met face to face and continue to do the same albeit with a different label.
You don't have a relationship, you have a friend that you text and see occasionally.
I see her every other weekend.
you can be cruel but you need to be factual first :-)
sunnydude said:
Same, but not in the middle of the bed though or else it usually finds its way up my backside during the course of the night
You pay for sex though, f
k off.Right... since we are now here... may as well carry on the story.
Once I was done with my client I gave her a call back.
She too had felt that something had been wrong. But couldn't find a way / have the courage to bring it up.
I didn't ask her but I think she found this thread by googling my username looking for something to do with my car......
Had the phone call explaining how we both felt. She says she is the person in her texts but tones herself down around me incase I thought she was weird or odd.
But for the both of us we agreed we had tried and it was not working. We are going to try and be friends. Although she is angry that I have posted up (what was I supposed to do, I needed some advice / somewhere to vent) if she can move past this anger I see no reason why we can't be friends, possibly even better friends than we were before due to some new found openess.
Sorry for the lack of excitement in the conclusion.
Done.
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