Am I an ungrateful child?
Discussion
Had a phone call from my mother today to remind me she is still alive and tell me how her health is and all her hospital appointments. Now we are in the middle of doing up our place in France and I haven't called her for a month. It might have only been 7 minutes while I was in the middle of fixing a hole in a plasterboard wall with the plaster sitting in a bucket going hard, but if she was so desperate to talk to me she could just call instead of trying to shame me into calling her.
She sits around all day long moaning that she is bored and getting my dad to do everything, and wonders why people don't want to associate with her. She knows we are busy as she can see all the work we are doing going up on Facebook. If I had nothing better to do and wanted to reflect on how good my life is I would call regularly to be depressed by her! Sapped the life out of me after what was a good days work.
Before anyone shouts that I should be grateful of what she has done for me in the past, I have children grown up who I am grateful to speak to when they have time and the inclination, I do not expect them to stop everything for me and call just to acknowledge my existence.
Rant over, no swearing 0/10!
TLDR
Mrs Bucket called and ruined my day.
She sits around all day long moaning that she is bored and getting my dad to do everything, and wonders why people don't want to associate with her. She knows we are busy as she can see all the work we are doing going up on Facebook. If I had nothing better to do and wanted to reflect on how good my life is I would call regularly to be depressed by her! Sapped the life out of me after what was a good days work.
Before anyone shouts that I should be grateful of what she has done for me in the past, I have children grown up who I am grateful to speak to when they have time and the inclination, I do not expect them to stop everything for me and call just to acknowledge my existence.
Rant over, no swearing 0/10!
TLDR
Mrs Bucket called and ruined my day.
UpTheIron said:
I know nothing of your situation, the history between you both, or your mothers health other than by making some assumptions based on your post, but...
Hospital appointments. A month or more between calls. What if she isn't well? Let's say she has a year (again, I have no idea, just plucking a figure out the air). But if she has, do you want to talk to or see her 12 times or 365 times? Or is the holiday home more important?
To fill in some gaps, she is heading in for a hip replacement and apart from that she is healthy. We have completely different outlooks on life where I go chasing things in a positive manner and she waits for it to come to her and is generally negative. Not a holiday home but where we live and are renovating. Hospital appointments. A month or more between calls. What if she isn't well? Let's say she has a year (again, I have no idea, just plucking a figure out the air). But if she has, do you want to talk to or see her 12 times or 365 times? Or is the holiday home more important?
Trabi601 said:
You sound incredibly selfish. All about you and what you want to do.
I have one really big regret hanging over me - I generally spoke to my mum once or twice a week (we lived 240 miles apart) - but a few years ago I left it a little longer between calls - maybe 2 weeks. Then I called and called every day for 5 days, before getting a call from a police officer to tell me she'd been found dead in the summerhouse in her garden. She'd hanged herself. There's rarely a week goes by that I don't kick myself for breaking from my usual calling schedule. It may not have made any difference, as it seems she'd taken the decision to end things - but it leaves an unanswered question in my life.
In summary - speak to her, because when she's gone you'll wish you'd spoken more.
I am sorry for your loss and the circumstances around it. I don't feel like a selfish person and am willing to share and talk to anyone. The problem is my mum isn't interested in anything we are doing. They came to visit us in France and didn't even walk across the driveway to see what we were building and expected us to wait on her while she sat around. When the in-laws are here (same age group) they help out, play with their granddaughter and love seeing our progress.I have one really big regret hanging over me - I generally spoke to my mum once or twice a week (we lived 240 miles apart) - but a few years ago I left it a little longer between calls - maybe 2 weeks. Then I called and called every day for 5 days, before getting a call from a police officer to tell me she'd been found dead in the summerhouse in her garden. She'd hanged herself. There's rarely a week goes by that I don't kick myself for breaking from my usual calling schedule. It may not have made any difference, as it seems she'd taken the decision to end things - but it leaves an unanswered question in my life.
In summary - speak to her, because when she's gone you'll wish you'd spoken more.
joestifff said:
I feel for you OP. Similar situation to me, only she lives abroad. Never really got along with her, she's never really got along with me. She has made it clear in the past. Often go months without exchanging emails.
Would she take a bullet for me? No, I'm convinced she wouldn't.
Would I miss her, unfortunately not. She's shown no interest in my life or my wife and daughters. She herself is not a huge family person, maybe that's her upbringing. She only ever complains that either I'm not rich enough, I'm not doing the job she wanted me too, that she wishes her mother would "hurry up and die". Generally a negative person and I don't want to be around that, nor do I want that around my family.
It's fairly sad, but that's life. Sometimes families just aren't meant to get along. We don't, -and you sound the same. That's life. Just keep contact to a minimum and ignore her when she whines on. Works for me.
My wife's relationship with her mother however, superb, very envious and that's how it should be IMO. But we aren't all that lucky. I get along with MIL so well. She is my surrogate mother.
Your situation is very similar to mine. My MIL is great and would really like to be able to have the same but like you it is not a role model for my daughter to have and is a very toxic way to live.Would she take a bullet for me? No, I'm convinced she wouldn't.
Would I miss her, unfortunately not. She's shown no interest in my life or my wife and daughters. She herself is not a huge family person, maybe that's her upbringing. She only ever complains that either I'm not rich enough, I'm not doing the job she wanted me too, that she wishes her mother would "hurry up and die". Generally a negative person and I don't want to be around that, nor do I want that around my family.
It's fairly sad, but that's life. Sometimes families just aren't meant to get along. We don't, -and you sound the same. That's life. Just keep contact to a minimum and ignore her when she whines on. Works for me.
My wife's relationship with her mother however, superb, very envious and that's how it should be IMO. But we aren't all that lucky. I get along with MIL so well. She is my surrogate mother.
ali_kat said:
I disagree
He's right - unless she abandoned you of course
I talked to my Mum every week and still regret it wasn't more!
The OP reads like a selfish idiot, why should she consult FB to find out what they are doing?
Didn't abandon me at all but also was very isolated from the rest of the family. I have cousins that I have never had a relationship with, along with aunts and uncles. He's right - unless she abandoned you of course
I talked to my Mum every week and still regret it wasn't more!
The OP reads like a selfish idiot, why should she consult FB to find out what they are doing?
Call me a selfish idiot and I will disagree with that. She shouldn't consult FB to see what we are doing, she could try engaging in conversation instead of just talking at me. I've tried to engage her without success.
Sheepshanks said:
We go and see my mum about once a month.
She only wants to hear about 'glamorous' / materialistic things we've done that she can to boast to friends about - but as little like that happens to us she gives the impression that she couldn't care less.
Her sister's kids have abandoned her and moved to far-flung places but mum sees that as exciting and delights in telling us about their adventures. Yet my brother moved 50 miles away and she's devastated about it.
Do you go because you want to or is it out of a sense of duty?She only wants to hear about 'glamorous' / materialistic things we've done that she can to boast to friends about - but as little like that happens to us she gives the impression that she couldn't care less.
Her sister's kids have abandoned her and moved to far-flung places but mum sees that as exciting and delights in telling us about their adventures. Yet my brother moved 50 miles away and she's devastated about it.
We visit my parents when we are back in England. I would love to spend more time with my dad but he has been ground down by mum and is a shadow of his former self.
magooagain said:
Ha ha Neil. This could get to more pages than the build thread!
People are people ,you get on with some ,others not. The fact they may be related is irrelevant really.
Now go get painting.
Thanks Joe, really didn't think it would be such an emotive subject! It seems the majority of PH have great mums!People are people ,you get on with some ,others not. The fact they may be related is irrelevant really.
Now go get painting.
Painting is Pippa's domain!
How's the Renault doing?
jefword said:
So you have no time to ring her but plenty of time to post your house renovation on facebook because you think the whole world is interested in you.
The me me me generation.
I have plenty of time to ring her and choose not to. The me me me generation.
You couldn't be further from the truth in your analysis of me.
HustleRussell said:
And you have lived up to expectations by asking strangers on the Internet for advice on a personal matter and then lashing out and taking your ball home when the advice you get isn't what you wanted to hear.
My ball is very much still here and I am not lashing out at people giving advice. I did not ask for advice, just a question but was more a rant. People have opened up which I am very much grateful for and others have decided to just be judgemental as is their right on the Internet.
I am not one to shy away from a discussion but hurling insults is not my style.
Edited for sleeping.
Autocorrect is against me too! Speeling
Edited by Neilsfirst on Friday 30th September 11:40
Edited by Neilsfirst on Friday 30th September 11:41
Pothole said:
OP, I'm not sure what you were looking for with this thread...
I wasn't after anything just a rant, but as people have been kind enough to respond it would be rude not to engage as some others seem to do or flounce off in true PistonHeads style when it doesn't go my way. andy-xr said:
You're missing the point, it was that the OP had time to f
k about showing off his building on Facebook and would rather be doing that than calling his Mum
Did I read somewhere about an upcoming hip replacement?y Mum had one earlier in the year and shed needed it for 2 years but it kept getting put back
For my Mum it was debilitating and pissed her off massively because she couldn't do the things she wanted to do and was struggling to walk more than about 50 feet. So it was leaving her housebound with cabin fever on top
If you try to understand that she probably wants to talk but general grumbles are just the surface conversation openers you'll probably find it'll help her get it off her chest a bit
You did read about the hip replacement, it is her second, but she hasn't required it for 20 years and her behaviour has been the same all that time.k about showing off his building on Facebook and would rather be doing that than calling his Mum Did I read somewhere about an upcoming hip replacement?y Mum had one earlier in the year and shed needed it for 2 years but it kept getting put back
For my Mum it was debilitating and pissed her off massively because she couldn't do the things she wanted to do and was struggling to walk more than about 50 feet. So it was leaving her housebound with cabin fever on top
If you try to understand that she probably wants to talk but general grumbles are just the surface conversation openers you'll probably find it'll help her get it off her chest a bit
joestifff said:
I don't think (correct me if I am wrong OP) the time thing is the issue here, just an excuse, I am dam sure he could make time if he wanted to ... as most of you point out.
The real issue (again OP correct me if I am wrong) is that the women is just plain not nice, toxic, and full of negativity. So why waste your time.
Personally, having a st relationship with my mother, I think you are doing nothing wrong. I know some of you are trying to guilt him into "when she's gone you'll regret it" but I know I wont. So maybe OP wont either. Might be a sigh of relief that the negativity has gone.
My mother isn't my mother like you all think, she is a strange person who I don't overly know, have nothing in common with and generally bring the mood down when about, and I am very sure the feeling is mutual.
No correction needed.The real issue (again OP correct me if I am wrong) is that the women is just plain not nice, toxic, and full of negativity. So why waste your time.
Personally, having a s
t relationship with my mother, I think you are doing nothing wrong. I know some of you are trying to guilt him into "when she's gone you'll regret it" but I know I wont. So maybe OP wont either. Might be a sigh of relief that the negativity has gone. My mother isn't my mother like you all think, she is a strange person who I don't overly know, have nothing in common with and generally bring the mood down when about, and I am very sure the feeling is mutual.
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