Relationship ramble...any input?

[designforlife]

I'm 32, I've been with a girl for the last 2 years, she's 30. We met through snowboarding, and literally could not have more in common...never really argue, and always have a laugh together, i've had a few long term relationships, and the connection we share eclipses all of those significantly.

Here's the rub, she works in theatre, so when touring, has been away for weeks at a time, however she makes every effort to come and see me, and vice versa. so we still manage to see each other most weekends...i won't deny it's made for tough going at my end at times.

I always accepted this because she's the "right" girl for me, and over the course of the last couple of years i've emotionally invested in her considerably.

As the relationship progressed she has talked about getting out of theatre, and we actually went to a nursing college open day back in september, this was under no pressure from me, and was a decision made by her.

We also talked and decided to start saving for a place together around 4 months back.

Basically everything has been going really well...until 3 weeks ago.


We had a minor argument when i visited her on tour, i hadn't seen her for a few weeks, and got a little emotional due to a couple of issues we had about her going out all night and AWOL on text messages until 5/6am...a relatively new habit.

I felt better for getting it out, and we seemed to resolve things, but then over the coming days and weeks she became distant and busier, and just wasnt her usual self...she maintained that i had "spooked" her by getting upset, and she assured me she would be ok.

This steadily gets worse, we see each other on the weekends but it becomes apparent that shes burying her head in the sand about whatevers bothering her, and throwing herself into her work, fully walled up, won't really engage when i try to talk to her.

This week (her final one on tour) she has finally started addressing things, and slowly opening up...it turns out that she's been having a major commitment freakout over our future plans, and also in her feelings for me, apparently i'm more emotionally invested than her and shes confused about her feelings/doesn't know what she wants, she feels like she hasn't been totally honest with herself and has been doing things in the relationship to make me happy rather than herself...she says she still loves me, whatever that counts for.

so timescale wise things have gone from fine to fked in 3 short weeks. I'm in shellshock, she's one of the most straightforward and upfront people i've ever met, doesn't play games, and isn't emotionally driven in times of stress...this is all way out of character, and i honestly didn't see it coming.

She was a little emotionally cagey at the start of the relationship, but settled naturally and i've never at any moment thought that she has been false with me in terms of her feelings...and in terms of future commitments, i never pressed things, it came from her too.

I've had two 5 year+ long term relationships, so i'm no stranger to the usual ups and downs, but i can't help feeling she's trying to cut and run for no obvious reason.

Any thoughts or personal experiences?

We are seeing each other this weekend and hopefully i'll find out which direction this is going (feels like 1 of 2 ways really), whatever happens, the landscape of the relationship will change, and i'll have to set aside our previous plans if we are to see how it goes. I don't want to lose her, but i'm all too aware of the folly of staying in a relationship that's going nowhere.

[designforlife]

She has had one prior 2.5 year relationship, but admits they were more like best friends, they toured together so it was quite easy going i guess. That ended a good year or two before we met.

other than that, not any others, she's been living the touring life for 10 years, so everything in her life is short term and temporary (many flings and one nighters no doubt), i'm the first thing to come along and change that...which she always seemed grateful for, she says she hasn't been in a relationship thats "going places" before.

I can see it's been hard for her to admit all this to me, and shes clearly wrestling with it behind the scenes.

I don't want to lose her, but i also don't want to put another year or two into a relationship that has reached its glass ceiling for one of us.

[designforlife]

Yeah i'm pretty eyes open about it all, just hugely disappointed that its come to this so suddenly.

We may be able to salvage things, but until she's decided what she wants that's going to be tricky. I've got no good reason to cut and run without giving it a few more weeks at least, i care for her enough to give us that chance. but equally i'm not going to let myself get mugged off.

[designforlife]

hornetrider said:

Sounds like this monkey has another tree.

It's possible, but unlikely, her moral standards regarding this are pretty high...I'm not saying she's infallible, but shes been cheated on a few times and absolutely abhors it. I've never had trust issues with her, or been given any reason to.

[designforlife]

Also i asked her about this straight out, and she said there hasn't been...at this stage she has no real reason to lie about it. And i have no basis or reason not to trust that answer.

[designforlife]

oh she's always stayed out really late, it's part of the culture of stage crew...ironically on the nights she went awol she was staying up until 6/7am with her mates playing PS4. it's only recently she got a bit crap at communication...fell into the tour bubble a bit compared to usual.


She's not your typical girl, and thats one of the things i love about her.

[designforlife]

Toyoda said:

The more you say, the more it appears she wants to have her cake and eat it i.e. no real intention of leaving the stage as she clearly enjoys it and the freedom it affords her, but at the same time likes the stability of having Steady Eddie waiting for her at home as well. Of course, no problem in that if you're happy with the arrangements, but it sounds like you're more at the wanting to settle down stage and she ain't, and things are coming to a head.

i'm inclined to agree, it may be that a few weeks off tour at home at her parents steady things out, this is her 4th tour since we've been together, and by far and away her most intense and enjoyable one. It's definitely marking a bit of a change in her.

[designforlife]

Toyoda said:

It's cards on the table time then. At 32 and 30 you're not teenagers so no reason why after 2 years you shouldn't be talking about what you want out of life - buying a house/marriage/kids etc... if you haven't already discussed these.

If she starts spouting womanese like 'I'm so confused' etc then you know what to do.

well this is it, we had discussed these things, and were/are saving for a flat together.

Thats one of the reasons that i feel like her current actions are coming out of nowhere.

She claims she hasn't been honest with herself about her feelings for me, and that she feels shes doing things in the relationship for my happiness rather than hers.

If that isn't writing on the wall, i don't know what is. But i don't think she truly knows what she wants right now, hence the freaking out.

[designforlife]

Sir_Dave said:

Maybe its just me, but if my missus was going out for say a Hen Do or similar (so away from me/not coming home etc, like when yours is on tour), i wouldnt expect her to send me text updates all night. I'd have a few beers, play on the Xbox till 11pm, go to sleep & wake up at 9am. If she texted me at 3am id probably be miffed that she woke me up

For me, it seems like you are perhaps a little insecure & have therefore instigated the issues you have now, ie she doesnt think you trust her, which naturally with her working away all the time will make her think "if i have to let him know what im doing all the time, wtf, i cant be bothered". Its a bit like meeting someone in the army, then saying after 3 years "i dont like you being in the army, can you change jobs?" - umm no, you knew what i did before we got here.

Edited by Sir_Dave on Friday 2nd December 11:00

understandable, but for 3 prior tours and a year and a half her comms have always been brilliant, and thats her ringing me out of the blue, chatting a lot on whatsapp etc. its one of the reasons we've both been able to make the relationship work around her job, and its always been a 50/50 thing in terms of effort.

her recent behaviour of disappearing for several hours at a time in the middle of the night is out of character...i never had full on chats while she was doing her social stuff, but she would at least say what her plans were, or message when she got home.

i've also never asked or pressed her to change career, thats always something thats come from her, would be massively unfair of me to expect that of her.

[designforlife]

Mr Roper said:

Sounds to me like she's bored.

She's touring around, working hard, partying, camaraderie etc...This is 90% of her life. Then she swops hat's for a couple of days a days a month...In between making sure she drops you a hello text to keep you both sweet... It upsets her routine.

I've no doubt she loves you and wants a life with you outside of touring but maybe she's realised she can't have both.


But nothing will help you understand the situation more than an honest conversation. If she's being vague then press her....You've given up and invested a lot over 2 years so you deserve to know exactly what's going on.

Sunday's plan...I will update the thread after that.

[designforlife]

Update time.

She came down to see me yesterday...we had a good open and long chat about things, and I broke up with her.

It's coming out of the woodwork that she has some very unexpected commitment issues due to some pretty messed up stuff that happened with her parents when she was a teen...she didn't think it had affected her, but it's all coming out with a vengeance under the circumstances of our relationship becoming more serious.

By her own admission her behaviour has been destructive in the last 3 weeks, and she realises she's effectively driven me to end things.

She also admitted that I was part of the reason she turned down the china job she was offered, and that she's actually been looking at alternative careers up to as recently as saturday.

Fundamentally, she's scared to take the leap and settle/commit to something permanent, due to seeing what that settled life did to her and her family when she was younger...she admits that a huge part of her wants that life with me, but whilst she has all these issues which she can't sort through, she's unable to clearly see what she wants, and move past her issues.

She's decided to get counselling while shes home doing panto over the next 6 weeks.

This is the hardest thing i've ever had to do, but i appreciate she needs me out of the picture to fully appreciate what she wants from life, and she needs time to catalog her emotions and seek help. It's also best for me to be able to at least partially move on.

I know it was the right thing to do, but it feels so wrong...i left the ball in her court, so who knows, something may rise from this in the future.

[designforlife]

Rude-boy said:

And in the meantime get on with your life and have a good one. Don't go moping about wishing that you had tried harder or waiting for her to call you to say it's all fixed and can we try for babies.

If she wants to start again in a bit go for it with your eyes open but for now assume that those were good times, good memories and move on.

Pretty much the plan, she's fully aware of the damage she's done by effectively hand grenading a good relationship...whatever happens from here on will be treated with suitable caution.

[designforlife]

There's noone else involved, neither do I have any reason to believe so, been cheated on before so i can sniff out the signs a mile away.

She (and I) were deeply upset, I've never seen her so emotional or open...she genuinely didn't want things to go this way, and by her own admission, never intended to break up with me this weekend...she's only just starting to face up to her own issues, as a result of all this.

Having had a damaged childhood myself, and my own set of issues because of it, i don't for one second feel like shes "feeding me a line".

Been through quite a few breakups before, and this is the strangest, we clearly still want to be with each other...but i was left with no other choice, for my own sake and hers.

[designforlife]

gregs656 said:

Be careful with that thought.

Sounds like you made the right choice for both of you, can't say fairer than that at the end of the day - tough though it is.

Absolutely, if she does approach me in the coming months seeking reconciliation, I would need to see some pretty solid evidence of change from her in terms of the issues which have broken the relationship.

I've no doubt that as time passes my feelings on all this will become a bit more objective, but as of right now i'm feeling pretty vulnerable and upset about it all.

[designforlife]

yup, far too sensitive for my own good, you play with the hand you're dealt though right?

[designforlife]

gregs656 said:

Of course. You're grieving a relationship and it sucks. No two ways about it. Just got to look after your self and try and make positive choices. Book a holiday, catch up with old mates, do the thing you keep saying you will do but never get round to it etc . . .

You've given your self a whole new window of opportunities, might as well take advantage of it. Flights are cheap!

booked two snowboarding trips in the last 2 days, with a third planned.

[designforlife]

DrSteveBrule said:

This x 100.

After a failed rekindled romance with an ex the hardest part was deleting email addresses, phone numbers etc. I knew I had to do it though. Once it was done the sense of liberation was great.

They do say you can never go back and it's true, so rid yourself of any and all temptation

we are seeing each other on the 21st to do xmas presents (which we had both already bought each other), and for her to get the rest of her stuff from my place.

This two week zero contact gap should be enough to cement in her mind whether she wants to walk away for good, or address the things that caused her to press the self destruct button.

It'll give us a pretty clear idea of where we both stand, and if done is done, i'll be surgically removing her from my digital life in short order.

[designforlife]

Mark Benson said:

Sad to say, it looks like that's what will happen.

She sounds like she's had her head turned while away on tour, if not by actually doing anything then by imagining what she could have done if not tied down by the bloke waiting back at home.

'One last time' meetings seldom are.

Like I say, I would need something pretty concrete from her...if I'm honest I can't see it happening, she's not got the greatest track record at facing her demons.

Certainly not going to get drawn into any pseudo relationship or casual arrangements...i haven't got the patience for that, could get it on tinder without all the emotional baggage.

[designforlife]

And if it all does come out in the wash that she had a thing with one of the guys on tour, it would actually make it a lot easier for me to move on.

As i've stated before, i have my doubts about this being the case...all of her reasons for running are stemming from fear of commitment, i'm not getting that telltale whiff of guilt in the slightest.

[designforlife]

Vaud said:

I knew someone that dated someone seriously who was in the theatre.

It was very, very intense work as I understood it - 18 hour days, 7 days a week weren't uncommon, very tight community, very tiring, very "full on". No time to "decompress".

It was two lives, and almost two different people that you could see.

The non-theatre person was very different. The pace of life, the difference in experiences, etc. Ultimately they found that they couldn't blend the two and split up.

this is absolutely a big factor in things, and something that I do accept, if nothing else, we gave it a good go.