Problem teenager in the house.
Discussion
Can i ask your advice / opinions in the matter below:
I'm married, have an 8 month old baby with my wife, and she has a 9 year old daughter from a previous relationship.
We also have a teenage boy (16) who we both have parental responsibility for - he was my ex's son and after she went off the rails with drink and drugs, social services placed him in our care and we obtained a child arrangement order for him.
He is going through what I think is normal teenage behaviour, leaving mess around the house, eating any food that is left within reach regardless of who it's for, not contributing in any way to help the family when it comes to doing chores. This has been going on for months, and no amount of talking or asking will change the behaviour.
In the past year he has become verbally abusive to us both, he has tried to push me out of the way mid-argument but due to me being powerfully built (quite fat) it didn't get very far.
Now I realise, that some of this is perfectly normal, but it's the shouting, abuse and swearing, particularly towards my wife within earshot of a baby that's really bothering me. He's told us both to f
k off, shut up, get lost etc. He doesn't care if he comes back from being out with his friends and leaves the front door wide open all night, leaves the garage door open all night when he's put his bike away, and in the past few weeks his attendance at school (A levels) has been non-existent. We've tried to give him all the opportunities he wouldn't have if he was still with his mum, lots of love, a decent school, nice family holidays, decent bedroom, and no shortage of new clothes.
Talking gets us nowhere, as soon as he hears something he doesn't want to he will storm out, I don't suspect drink or drugs as I've seen no evidence of this.
I'm genuinely concerned about his behaviour, what's causing it, and the effect it's having on others in the family. As far as I can see, our options are:
Put up with it
Ship him off to live with his mum again
Rent a room for him in a house-share and make him someone else's problem
Boot him out and let him sort it out himself
Speak to social services about it (I'm pretty sure they've washed their hands of this case now).
Any other options I've missed?
I'm married, have an 8 month old baby with my wife, and she has a 9 year old daughter from a previous relationship.
We also have a teenage boy (16) who we both have parental responsibility for - he was my ex's son and after she went off the rails with drink and drugs, social services placed him in our care and we obtained a child arrangement order for him.
He is going through what I think is normal teenage behaviour, leaving mess around the house, eating any food that is left within reach regardless of who it's for, not contributing in any way to help the family when it comes to doing chores. This has been going on for months, and no amount of talking or asking will change the behaviour.
In the past year he has become verbally abusive to us both, he has tried to push me out of the way mid-argument but due to me being powerfully built (quite fat) it didn't get very far.
Now I realise, that some of this is perfectly normal, but it's the shouting, abuse and swearing, particularly towards my wife within earshot of a baby that's really bothering me. He's told us both to f
k off, shut up, get lost etc. He doesn't care if he comes back from being out with his friends and leaves the front door wide open all night, leaves the garage door open all night when he's put his bike away, and in the past few weeks his attendance at school (A levels) has been non-existent. We've tried to give him all the opportunities he wouldn't have if he was still with his mum, lots of love, a decent school, nice family holidays, decent bedroom, and no shortage of new clothes.Talking gets us nowhere, as soon as he hears something he doesn't want to he will storm out, I don't suspect drink or drugs as I've seen no evidence of this.
I'm genuinely concerned about his behaviour, what's causing it, and the effect it's having on others in the family. As far as I can see, our options are:
Put up with it
Ship him off to live with his mum again
Rent a room for him in a house-share and make him someone else's problem
Boot him out and let him sort it out himself
Speak to social services about it (I'm pretty sure they've washed their hands of this case now).
Any other options I've missed?
Edited by SlimRick on Tuesday 28th March 15:33
Shakermaker said:
He is your ex's son - but does this mean you are his father or is that someone else? Apologies your post doesn't quite make that point clear.
Sorry, to clarify, I'm not his father. His biological father left shortly after he was born. I met his mum when he was 3 so I've been around him a lot. I left his mum when he was 11 and by 12 Social Services had removed him from his mum and asked me if I could take him in. He's been with us for 4 years.AndrewEH1 said:
Go and speak to his teachers at school, without telling him you're doing this!
They might have a better idea about what is affecting him recently or have ideas of how to help.
I've spoken to his head of sixth form who can't shed any light on why things are this way. He sees the varying commitment to his lessons, and gets feedback from his teachers on his performance and effort. Over the past few months this has really dropped.They might have a better idea about what is affecting him recently or have ideas of how to help.
Christmassss said:
He sounds like a lost little boy. What are his thoughts on his mum and dad?
What have the school said?
He wants no contact with either of them. Both have tried but he will just ignore any efforts.What have the school said?
As far as I know, his mum is quite a bit better than she was, although I think she still drinks a lot.
AndrewEH1 said:
Do you care for him like your other children? Would you adopt him? Perhaps the new baby has kicked this behaviour off?
He started calling me "dad" once he moved in, and he gets treated exactly the same as the others. We've looked at adoption, but his mum wouldn't support this and we'd need permission from both biological parents.I did wonder if the new baby had prompted this, but there were signs of this before we even knew the baby was on his way.
Puggit said:
Is there another adult in his life that he listens to? Someone needs to spell out to him that he's a selfish little prick and that you are looking out for him because of your kindness, not a legal necessity.
I would certainly be limiting access to internet until his behaviour improves. Easy enough to do by changing the router password.
He does have grandparents who live in Brittany, he is in contact with them from time to time. I might suggest that they get in touch with him and try to talk to him.I would certainly be limiting access to internet until his behaviour improves. Easy enough to do by changing the router password.
His internet access has been reduced to a couple of hours in the evening. I limited it during the day so he can't stay home playing on his PS4 rather than being at school.
S11Steve said:
SlimRick said:
His internet access has been reduced to a couple of hours in the evening. I limited it during the day so he can't stay home playing on his PS4 rather than being at school.
This too - we have 2 hours per day at a time of his choosing, and dependent upon his behaviour he can have more, however we have found that without internet access, he is being more socially engaging. We've also found that an internet lockdown works wonders for behaviour management sanctions. Some great responses here, thank you, and quite reassuring to note that we're not the only ones going through similar.
Not much of an update - We saw him briefly last night, called him down from his room for dinner and he ignored us. Came down an hour later, ignored his dinner, raided the cupboard for crisps and cereal bars and then went out without saying a word to us. He came home at about 10.30, and went straight up to his bedroom.
I've arranged a viewing for him in a shared house tonight. It will either be just what he wants, his own space and bit of freedom, or it will help him realise how good he has it at home.
I've had to resort to texting him to tell him this as he won't talk without flying off the handle. We've said that we will pay for it until he is eighteen, or while he stays in full time education.
Not much of an update - We saw him briefly last night, called him down from his room for dinner and he ignored us. Came down an hour later, ignored his dinner, raided the cupboard for crisps and cereal bars and then went out without saying a word to us. He came home at about 10.30, and went straight up to his bedroom.
I've arranged a viewing for him in a shared house tonight. It will either be just what he wants, his own space and bit of freedom, or it will help him realise how good he has it at home.
I've had to resort to texting him to tell him this as he won't talk without flying off the handle. We've said that we will pay for it until he is eighteen, or while he stays in full time education.
I went to view the house yesterday - I'd happily move into it if I were single! I sent this message to the teenager this morning:
Me said:
I went to look at the shared house yesterday. The bedroom is small, but the house is big and you would share the living room, kitchen etc. There is fibre broadband and a secure garden to keep your bike. You'd be sharing with 4 other young people, all working or at college. It's near Sainsbury's so it's close to the centre of town.
So, it's decision time. The options are (in order of preference)
1. Stay at home, change your attitude towards us, the house and whatever rules we put in place. We want you back the way you used to be!
2. Move to the shared house. We pay the rent, you have as much freedom as you want.
3. You move back with your mum. I've spoken to her and this is a possibility for a while.
4. You do nothing to decide the above and you end up homeless. We're under no obligation to house you now you're sixteen. We don't have to put up with the way you speak to us. We're not equals, you are living in our house and even if you don't like it you have to abide by our rules.
We need a decision today, this morning preferably as there is no guarantee that the room in the shared house will be available for long.
Don't ignore this. If we don't have a decision from you we will have to make it for you, and as we can't make you change your behaviour and we won't pay for a room elsewhere unless we know you're going to move into it then the only options left are 3 and 4. The shared room and staying with your mum could both be done on a trial basis for a month or so.
We love you, and want you to stay with us, but no-one is happy the way things are so something has to change.
Love dad.
And this was his entire reply:So, it's decision time. The options are (in order of preference)
1. Stay at home, change your attitude towards us, the house and whatever rules we put in place. We want you back the way you used to be!
2. Move to the shared house. We pay the rent, you have as much freedom as you want.
3. You move back with your mum. I've spoken to her and this is a possibility for a while.
4. You do nothing to decide the above and you end up homeless. We're under no obligation to house you now you're sixteen. We don't have to put up with the way you speak to us. We're not equals, you are living in our house and even if you don't like it you have to abide by our rules.
We need a decision today, this morning preferably as there is no guarantee that the room in the shared house will be available for long.
Don't ignore this. If we don't have a decision from you we will have to make it for you, and as we can't make you change your behaviour and we won't pay for a room elsewhere unless we know you're going to move into it then the only options left are 3 and 4. The shared room and staying with your mum could both be done on a trial basis for a month or so.
We love you, and want you to stay with us, but no-one is happy the way things are so something has to change.
Love dad.
Teenager said:
2
By way of a brief update:
I went to look at the shared house on Friday, and took him to look at it on Sunday. I told him I will pay the rent until he is eighteen or until he leaves full time education, whichever comes first.
He works part time so he does have money to pay for living expenses, and this is why the suggestions of confiscating PS4, TV, phone etc aren't possible. He has bought most of those things himself.
He likes the idea of moving out and has accepted one of the rooms available, paying a little extra rent himself to get a bigger room. The other conditions to him moving out are that he comes round at least once a week, preferable for Sunday dinner, and we will review the whole situation after 3 months. If it's not working out there is the option of moving back home subject to some significant changes in his behaviour.
We've seen nothing of him this week so there's been no more arguments or abuse. We have been called into the school tomorrow to discuss the lack of attendance and poor performance there. He won't discuss school with us, all we get is "I'll deal with it". I have a feeling that the choice to continue his A levels may be taken out of his hands.
I went to look at the shared house on Friday, and took him to look at it on Sunday. I told him I will pay the rent until he is eighteen or until he leaves full time education, whichever comes first.
He works part time so he does have money to pay for living expenses, and this is why the suggestions of confiscating PS4, TV, phone etc aren't possible. He has bought most of those things himself.
He likes the idea of moving out and has accepted one of the rooms available, paying a little extra rent himself to get a bigger room. The other conditions to him moving out are that he comes round at least once a week, preferable for Sunday dinner, and we will review the whole situation after 3 months. If it's not working out there is the option of moving back home subject to some significant changes in his behaviour.
We've seen nothing of him this week so there's been no more arguments or abuse. We have been called into the school tomorrow to discuss the lack of attendance and poor performance there. He won't discuss school with us, all we get is "I'll deal with it". I have a feeling that the choice to continue his A levels may be taken out of his hands.
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