Discussion
A troublesome topic, and one that is causing a few of us a lot of problems. A friend, 82, is losing his marbles, and recent problems include:-
Phoning me in great distress to tell me that he needed "labels for his mole". It took ten minutes to work out that the batteries in his computer mouse were dead. I checked his computer only to find that he had sent himself six emails that week and had written to a number of friends asking them for their email address. By email of course.
Complaining that his garden tractor was screwed and the battery was dead. Four times I have been over to find that on one occasion he hadn't plugged the charger in, and on others had put the crocodiles to the wrong poles.
Phoning people in the middle of the night and then denying it. It is worrisome to get a call at 2am and hear breathing but no one there. I now unplug the phone before retiring.
Phoning restaurants to book for 40 people for a society of which he isn't a member.
Today he arrived at the bar in distress having lost his bank card after taking out some money. Made him turn out his pockets, searched his wallet and his car, and went to the bank for him to see what could be done. Rang him from the bank and he'd already found it and hadn't bothered to tell anyone. Where had he put it? In his underpants!
Turning up to be asked whether I would like some classic car magazines to read. If not, he had a friend called Tony who would have them. I am Tony.
It isn't funny I know, but it seems that as only a friend I can do nothing, and the family turn their backs. Seven slight accidents in his car in six months, and no one will take his licence off him. I could go on, but you see where I am coming from. And don't get me started on his mobile phone either.
Do you have similar experiences to recount?
Phoning me in great distress to tell me that he needed "labels for his mole". It took ten minutes to work out that the batteries in his computer mouse were dead. I checked his computer only to find that he had sent himself six emails that week and had written to a number of friends asking them for their email address. By email of course.
Complaining that his garden tractor was screwed and the battery was dead. Four times I have been over to find that on one occasion he hadn't plugged the charger in, and on others had put the crocodiles to the wrong poles.
Phoning people in the middle of the night and then denying it. It is worrisome to get a call at 2am and hear breathing but no one there. I now unplug the phone before retiring.
Phoning restaurants to book for 40 people for a society of which he isn't a member.
Today he arrived at the bar in distress having lost his bank card after taking out some money. Made him turn out his pockets, searched his wallet and his car, and went to the bank for him to see what could be done. Rang him from the bank and he'd already found it and hadn't bothered to tell anyone. Where had he put it? In his underpants!
Turning up to be asked whether I would like some classic car magazines to read. If not, he had a friend called Tony who would have them. I am Tony.
It isn't funny I know, but it seems that as only a friend I can do nothing, and the family turn their backs. Seven slight accidents in his car in six months, and no one will take his licence off him. I could go on, but you see where I am coming from. And don't get me started on his mobile phone either.
Do you have similar experiences to recount?
I thank you all profoundly for your replies, and those also who took the trouble to email me. I forgot to explain that we live in France, and here the state only interferes if you have no relations, and the problem also is that if a nursing home is warranted (and I feel it is) the family have to pay the balance if his income isn't adequate, and it surely isn't given today's costs. So they don't want to pay and look the other way. He has a cleaner, but his clothes are food-stained, he doesn't change them, and I am sure you all have suffered with the TV problem; you know - "the effing thing won't work properly and I can't find the right channel". Just presses any button, puts it on the aerial and not the satellite and has no idea he's done it. Yesterday he had the menu screen up and rang me, but short of driving 20 miles there and back every day I can't cure that. He phoned a TV company to sort it out which is stupid from our point of view but not his since nothing is ever his fault.
As regards his driving, I spoke to the chemist (they called me out a while back when he was there completely disoriented and we had him taken to hospital that time) who spoke to his doctor but no one seems to intervene at all. I am now going to see the doctor myself, since he is a danger and as always, it won't be him that gets hurt.
Taking away someone's freedom is not a thing to be tackled lightly, and as I'm getting on for 70 I feel the chill wind too, but I now feel that I don't want the death of someone on my conscience if I can prevent it, so he has to be stopped from driving. oh, and on that subject he has now decided to take his Spitfire for an MOT so he can use it again. I disconnected the battery.
Once again, thank you all for letting me let off steam. It helps a bit.
As regards his driving, I spoke to the chemist (they called me out a while back when he was there completely disoriented and we had him taken to hospital that time) who spoke to his doctor but no one seems to intervene at all. I am now going to see the doctor myself, since he is a danger and as always, it won't be him that gets hurt.
Taking away someone's freedom is not a thing to be tackled lightly, and as I'm getting on for 70 I feel the chill wind too, but I now feel that I don't want the death of someone on my conscience if I can prevent it, so he has to be stopped from driving. oh, and on that subject he has now decided to take his Spitfire for an MOT so he can use it again. I disconnected the battery.
Once again, thank you all for letting me let off steam. It helps a bit.
As an update - and sorry to carry on - my friend rang today. He was rude and vicious for the first time, saying the TV problems were down to me and that his credit card had been in his wallet all the time and that I was a waste of space. Also, that my comments on his driving and accidents were a tissue of lies and that he had driven to Paris twice in the last week to go shopping. I can't take any more of this and have told the family that they have a week to get this sorted or I will go to the doctor, the gendarmerie, the town and county council and move heaven and earth until something is done. Knowing the French I don't hold out much hope, but I will go as far as I can.
Bringing this topic up to date, the general impression in the UK is that the French medical service is the best. That might be true as far as hospitals are concerned, but for the rest it is fractured or non-existent. After 25 calls in one week (and I am one of many) I went to the gendarmerie to see what can be done. Absolutely nothing, was the reply. They are aware of him, but can not make him take a medical or withdraw his licence until there is due cause, such as a serious accident or excess alcohol. They can invite him to have a medical, but if he doesn't show up they can't act. So on I go to his local town hall to see if there is any safety net such as Social Services. Once again, the reply was negative and the woman I spoke to is a neighbour of his and suffering like the rest of us. So, in desperation I contacted the county council, with the same response. So there is absolutely nothing that anyone can do; his driving licence here is for life, and untouchable, and there is no medical service available if he doesn't ask for it himself. We set up a nurse and meals on wheels but he cancelled them. Believe me, at ground level people want to act, but are powerless. What a shocking state of affairs in this day and age. I visited him yesterday for a chat and all I got was complaints that I am never there any more for him and nor is anyone else. Then a friend turned up to show him how to turn a battery cut-out switch on, something I'd done four times in a month. Ashamedly, during this moment I deleted my numbers from his phone. Then I saw him later at the bar and he started going on about how a certain friend had completely let him down. When asked by another friend, he said my name. I quietly asked him who I was, to be told we'd never met. I'm sorry, but for my own sanity I have had to drop out. The family have now given him an ultimatum; accommodation with medical assistance or they wash their hands of him. It has had to come to that for all our sakes.
Edited by lowdrag on Wednesday 17th September 08:24
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