Grieving? What's wrong with me!

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I lost my dear old mum on Wednesday suddenly but peacefully at home. She was not a well person for many years battling everything life threw at her including cancer and an horrific accident. I know she is at peace now and all her suffering is gone. My poor dad is not coping at all well, if I leave the house I have to return quick as people arrive and he can't speak to them, he considers himself a wimp for feeling this, I say it is perfectly normal. They would have been married 50yrs next month.

But there is a problem which is me, I have not really shed many tears, I feel extremely guilty. Since her passing I have raged on at 100mph organising the funeral, changing names on bills, dealing with banks. I looked online at this 5 or 7 stages of grief and none of it seems to refer to me and my situation. Am I going to hit a wall? Part of me is very scared I don't as what would that make me.

Ave

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Thanks for all your kind words folks, I'm relieved I am normal as what others might be thinking was worrying me.

I took last week off work and on the Sunday I was having the conversation with dad about the 'what ifs' never for one second think they would be real 3 days later. As has been said (sorry I hate quoting on iPad) I had already come to terms with her illness.

I do wholeheartedly appreciate all your words. Why does it feel so easier to take to strangers than family I wonder. Fingers crossed tomorrow gives us our long awaited death certificate so we can move slowly forward with the funeral plans.

Thanks again

Ave x

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BlackVanDyke said:

I'm going through something horrible right now that may eventually result in losing my daughter - I actually need to thank you as I've also had periods of worrying that I'm not upset enough - I'm devastated, and terrified, but not all the time and not always visibly so. So actually, a lot like you and all the other commenters.

It's like if you don't think about it, it will either go away/fix itself? Given what you have been through to get where you are my heart goes out to you (I see posts but not always comment as I feel I'm crap with words lol). Hope things improve for you I really do x

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SBDJ said:

I lost my son 6 years ago and I was largely the same - I had a surviving son with complex medical issues to worry about and my OH to worry about (it didn't help that they hadn't stitched her up right either!). I ploughed on looking after them, getting back home and removing things so that returning home would be easier for her, organising everything that needed to be done. I even went back to work the next day! I don't know if it's healthy or not, but being distracted meant I was able to function and be there for others that needed me to be strong.

I cried a lot at the funeral, and still do every time I visit the grave.

Seems like perfectly normal behaviour to me!

BVD - I'm really sorry to hear about your daughter

So sorry for your loss, felt pain last night so I must be slightly normal. I spent the whole day yesterday feeling very angry with everything, it has been a week since mum passed and we still have no death certificate as post mort has been done but now waiting on toxicology report. My anger turned into tears by 11pm as I was so drained by anger and dealing with calls all asking for details. I just want mum laid to rest now.

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Well we buried mum on Friday. These past few weeks have dragged. Mum's death was not what we expected so another blow. Again feeling very angry, I started to believe my parents had kept mum's colon cancer from me but it turned out she was never diagnosed with it so never knew. Yet more anger as she was a regular at the hospital getting one test after the other.

Got to see her on Tuesday and found it very hard as she looked nothing like my last memory, I told Dad I did not want to see her again but thankfully I changed my mind and very glad I did. The funeral went very well, I had a wobble as I started mums tribute but got it done and hope I did her proud.

Still no huge grief but I am now dealing with my dad as he is just a little lad lost these days and one of us has to keep going. On friday it would have been their 50th Wedding Anniversary.

Thanks again for all your words.

Ave x

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Haha, how fitting this thread pops back up this week.

So this past few months I have been feeling like a st magnet, anything that can go wrong will. I'm on medication (propranolol) to take the edge off but I don't feel that much different. (if anyone has over the counter suggestions I will welcome them)

4 weeks ago my Dad took a heart attack, very lucky he managed to get stents in as he was nearly airlifted miles from home for a bypass. He in turn became a grumpy agitated man as he could no longer do the usual things he did and had to rely on me to drive him about for 4 weeks which was not easy given I'm usually carting my work about in the form of 3 noisy kids most days.

3 weeks ago I was bitten (in play thank god) my a 17st rottweiller which has done a little damage to my nerves in my arm but it's getting better, handy when lifting kids it part of your daily life lol.

2 weeks ago the last eldest connection to my Mum died at 99. Family forgot to call to let us know funeral arrangements so we missed it!! For some reason they put the notice in the paper in her Maiden name and not the name I have always known her so I also missed it while checking. Devastated at missing her funeral was putting it mildly, although I know full well mum would be catching up with her and asking WTF were the family thinking lol.

So where am I??

You know you all said 'it will come'. Well it arrived like a freight train yesterday in the form of me loosing it. I'm not proud of how it happened as my good friends took a big brunt of it in the form of me screaming/smashing etc but it had to come and they knew that before I did lol. This past 4 weeks I have become a different person, snapping at friends, taking everything said or done to me out of context. Looking for ulterior motives in everything someone does or says. My child, my beautiful 3yr old daughter has also taken the brunt of me snapping at her at everything, I have been a horrible mother to the best and only good thing I have in my life and I am disgusted with myself.

They say you turn a corner. Well yesterday although I can't believe it I did, this morning I woke with different attitude. I'm going to see a psychologist to get out everything I have stored away and help me, and today it was a pleasure working with the kids, and not the drain it has been lately. Now all I need to do is find a nice man to feck it all up for me

Ave

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At what point can you thrown in the towel and say fk it!

Just in the door, dad's just had a stroke!


Banging the keys here helping with my anger just now tho!

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ali_kat said:

We're here Ave

Thoughts are with you, it feels like nothing now I know; but you have people thinking of you all

Thanks Ali, seriously need 2015 to bugger off now. x

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BlackVanDyke said:

My little girl died a fortnight ago.

Just wanted to give my thanks to the OP again for actually starting this thread. Grief and loss and decades-premature death is bloody horrendous, but being scared I might actually be going nuts - in the form of things mostly feeling normal or numb and only sometimes being lost in it all - adds that little something that really could have put me over the edge. Couldn't have anticipated this, not really, how I was feeling before compared to now is a wave/tsunami type comparison.

Oh BVD I am so so sorry to hear this. My heart goes out to you at this time. I'm only at the end of an email if you need a rant/scream etc.

xxx

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I would say talking on here has helped me and I also believe the therapist is a big help. I underwent hypnotherapy yesterday and I don't think I have ever felt my head so clear, almost empty from all the stresses and worries I have been having. Everything I had stored is now gone and I'm actually going slower in my day. I know what works for some won't work for others but I do wish I had found this treatment earlier as I know I was at total breaking point.

Now I just need to banish this 'bad luck' charm that is currently following me about. This week I had dad take a turn which has landed him back in hospital on Thursday with pneumonia which had never left from his stroke, two days before I got him in a tourist tried and totally failed to get out of the way of an ambulance on a call. Now I have the task of getting my bleeping wall fixed.

Any higher and she would have been in the garden with my little one!


Note to all tho, the Ford Ka took a big hit but never deployed any airbags lol.