Relationship Breakdown

[sclayto2]

Hello all,

Not really sure this is the right forum, but I feel I need some help or at least to just talk to someone without an agenda.

So after 15 years together, she surprised me on Sunday by asking for us to separate. To say it was out of the blue is an understatement. Obviously, I was surprised and shocked. Spent quite some time trying to understand, thinking we could work it out and finally ended up pleading and begging for it to not be true, but she held firm. But without ever really explaining what was wrong between us.
She stayed with friends that night and I had possibly the worst night of my life trying to work it all out. But I guess I was still in a hell of a lot of shock.

I work away, so this seemed like a worthwhile chance to get out of the house, to allow her to get on with her life and to support our daughter.

Since then, I've received a number of messages that started out in tone as we're just being separate for a bit, and the tone has steadily got more and more permanent. Until Tuesday's note, staying that as far as she is concerned this pretty much a permanent thing and she is now classing herself as single and considering dating.

When that message arrived at work, I was devastated. I had the shakes, actually felt sick to the pit of my stomach and felt so disconnected from everything else in the world. There was only my pain and everything else was not really happening. Does that make sense?

Obviously, looking back I can see that there were plenty of clues, things said and overall distancing from me, but you never really see the big picture until it has happened. That is the gift of 20/20 hindsight.

Now I just don't know how to carry on. I've only shared the news with a couple of friends and my parents. And of course everyone has a long and detailed opinion on Me, Her, what I should have said, etc. It isn't like I've been through all that thinking and still am, "What if this" and "What if I did that", etc.

Sure I googlged Coping with separation, but so much of it seems like it is about getting your money from you. So here I am, normally quite self-assured and confident, pouring my heart out, whilst crying my eyes out, to an internet forum, whilst feeling like I should just jump off a bridge as it just hurts so much.

I just don't know what to do. Or want to without her in my life.

[sclayto2]

She'd been planning it for a while. We'd bought a place together abroad late last year and were planning on visiting it over Easter.

She had wanted me to go on my own, and then whilst I was away was going to sort everything out, so I guess either I would return home to an empty house or find all my stuff in the garage.

Thank you.

[sclayto2]

Funny, this is quite similar to the Sunday "debate". She loves me dearly, but feels that it just isn't enough anymore, we both want different things and so we need to split. "Well what is it you want?", I said. "Dunno" was the response.

That just left me confused and dazed.

Daughter is 18 and hers, by a previous. But we've been together so long I tend to think of her as my own anyhow.

Thank you all for the responses and kind words. During the day, being busy at work, it doesn't seem so bad. I guess the distraction of work helps. To be honest it is the nights that are the problem, as that is when 'the thoughts' start.

Seriously, bawling my eyes out and making snot bubbles, in my pants at 4am is not a good look. For anyone.

Again, thank you all.

CountZero23 said:

Lot's of great advice on this thread.

Being told " I don't love you anymore"
http://www.pistonheads.com/gAssing/topic.asp?h=0&a...

[sclayto2]

Thank you all, for the comments. At the moment I'm having to take it hour by hour.

I wake up with that Red Letter Day feeling, like it is Christmas Day, because there is something important, almost special going to happen today. Then like a bomb, the memory starts to kick in. And that positive mood just vanishes to be replaced with the ache.

There are all the little habits, formed over the years that I'm having struggles with. So if I get a couple of minutes spare, I'd send a text "how's your day? Miss you? etc." that has been a really hard habit to break. But the want to do it, having the mindfulness to catch and deny myself from doing it, is mentally like a sharp prod in the ribs.

Well, Granville, I did as you suggested which was very difficult. I managed to hold it together long enough to blurt out that I wasn't ok and that it might take some time. That seemed to have worked a trick for a while. I felt like I had aired my problems and I now had some options and support around me. The weird thing was that I just seemed to stop coping this afternoon. Started slow, but I felt this rush spilling up and over me and had to excuse myself. After the second trip to the loo, just to sit and sob, I had to get out.

I've reached out to a number of friends and they have all been very supportive. Many have confessed similar issues and experiences that I am experiencing. Which helps me feel less like a dick for being the only resident of Loser-ville. Rather more that it is a place we'll all visit sometime. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but, and most importantly, it shouldn't be for the rest of your life.

I am genuinely humbled by the support that I have received, by them and the PH community. I tend not to reach out to people as I don't like to be a burden. But all the stuff I've read says, Do It. It makes it easier. And it really, really does.

I found that this guy, whilst a bit of a dick to his cat, seems to have much truth to say: https://youtu.be/tic9M4Z44YA

The difficulty, like quite a few have pointed out is, actually implementing and living by these guidelines.

[sclayto2]

Granville said:

You OK Sclayto2?

I'm struggling today, think I'm going to need to give notice to my clients as it's effecting my work and it's only going to get a lot worse.

Hey Granville,

I was the same. I thought I could deal with it. And I think the hardest part was admitting that I couldn't. Once I got over that, Me Man, Me Do Anything, bullst I've been ingrained with. It helped. Even clients have had their heart broken.

The offer is still there if you want to talk.

[sclayto2]

sclayto2 said:

Since then, I've received a number of messages that started out in tone as we're just being separate for a bit, and the tone has steadily got more and more permanent. Until Tuesday's note, staying that as far as she is concerned this pretty much a permanent thing and she is now classing herself as single and considering dating.

I need to post up a retraction about this section. Basically, what was MEANT was that she wanted to see a Counsellor. What I read was she wanted to start Dating. Why did this happen? Because I was in that dark place. A deep well of rubbishy emotion, and was unable to see out of it. And that Letters do not always say things as clearly as they were meant to.

I ended up talking Thursday and Friday off work. I wanted to talk to someone and was recommended a local Therapist. Not sure how long I bent her ear for, but it was in the region of +4 hours, she really opened my eyes on a lot of the emotional baggage & rubbish that I've been carrying around. Which, obviously, has been causing quite a few of the issues. Once it was pointed out that:

1. I was just repeating the actions my parents did when they divorced. (Basically, Mother humiliated my father, who just was a sheep)
2. I was also acting like my exRAF StepDad. Who believed in a complete absence of emotion. (I just thought I was part Vulcan)
3. In essence I keep putting others before me, even though it ends up ticking me off... (I know screwed up right?)

Those realisations and taking through a lot of this, has all helped. Whilst I am still upset about the relationship ending and grieving for the sense of loss. I feel better in myself than I have for years.

[sclayto2]

theguvernor said:

My therapist says though that i think into stuff too much, i try to think of every possible outcome for every possible situation & in doing so i'm giving myself anxiety! Started back at the gym this week too so we'll see how that goes, it was losing my best friend, home & partner all in the space of a few hours that really hit me, i initially blamed her for it, but essentially if i'd not been like i had for months we would never be in this situation, i've tried everything so giving her the space she's asked for is literally my only option now!

Sounds quite similar to my own situation, TBH. If you've been bottling up and not reacting (for fear of over reacting) then she'll start to think you're an "emotional void" (which is what I got told).

From what I've read:
- Blokes want to sit down and talk it through.
- Ladies work on a much more emotional and intuitive level.

So whilst you want to sit down and work out the problem, you might as well be talking a different language. Because you're not talking her language.

So I think that the term Space, is time for her to find that emotional equilibrium and for you to deal with your issues. In essence, for the relationship, it is rock bottom and hopefully you'll get that 'moment of clarity' in the realisation of what you want and where there are issues

If you want to keep the relationship, then you need to work on establishing that emotional link back to her AS WELL as working on the issues that you're having, that is affecting your behaviour and ultimately the relationship.

I understand that I will be a better person at the end of it. But I suppose if you think of it as addiction you need to be cured of. The behaviour you've been displaying has become habitual almost addictive and you need to change that.

'She' has taken that first step for us and made us realise that there is an issue. And that is a really HARD lesson. We now need to work through our "12 Steps" and that is not going to be easy or pleasant.