Feeling depressed over specific topics

[FlynnFlynn]

Hello people, I am going to put this out there and it will sound really random and obscure, but basically every week or so I can get depressed by certain topics for up to 5 days at a time, although normally it only lasts a couple of days at a time. The subject matters are incredibly dark. Such as but not limited to;

Serial killers
Rape
Cannibalism
Paedophilia
Autopsies
Human fragility

Any combination of the above. Sometimes I feel a fear of actually being one of the above. I just don't know. I get a sinking feeling and a lump in my throat when I start thinking about these subjects in a certain way. It feels like the subject is just consuming me and I can't escape from it. Like when I think we are all just animals and just meat, we are overpopulating the planet, or I see something in the newspaper about a paedophile it sets me off. But now it has become so ingrained in me that it doesn't take anything to set me off, it just happens by itself.

This started a few years ago in 2011 for some reason, I don't know why, but I am physically healthy, but sometimes this kind of what I can only refer to as "temporary depression" is crippling and it makes me really reserved and anxious. My own mind becomes a dungeon of darkness when this happens.

Anyone have similar experiences? Thanks.

[FlynnFlynn]

I appreciate it matey. I am one of those people who have never gone to a GP for anything. It's something about me not being able to tackle something that is in my own head myself that makes me reluctant. Also they are likely to offer me meds. I was on Ritalin and Risperidone as a kid to calm me down so that has put me off the ole' medications for life. And some of the stuff is really disturbing to talk about. I am just glad it is not only me, especially on a forum as normal as PH.

[FlynnFlynn]

It depends how you define "highs". I have periods of time where I feel like everything is good. Like a day where I might do a workout, apply for some jobs and then watch a movie in the evening and I feel like I can take pleasure from those simple things. I don't necessarily feel impulsive or irrational though. That is when my mind is "quiet" i.e., no background noise, no dark subjects whirring over and over to feel guilty about, etc. Other times I can't get a particular "theme" out of my head and it just feels like everything else is a distraction. It feels like everything is just a meaningless avoidance exercise from confronting my demons. Like some appalling child murder and thinking "why did someone do that" and "what if that evil is in all of us" etc. And then I start trying to think of reasons why I wouldn't be such a person but it just goes on and on and I never feel like I can get closure until the subject burns itself out and I regain perspective on the whole episode of madness. Thanks for your help. I wonder what goes on inside other people's heads. Sometimes it can be really frightening.