Help with my mother's excessive drinking...

[Landlord]

Hi,

I'm after canvassing opinions about what, if anything, I can do about my mum’s drinking.

As a bit of background, she’s always been partial to a drink but when still working she kept it to weekends. Once she retired she started drinking up to 5 nights per week. Red wine being the drink of choice. I thought it was too much then but it has now become worse. She now drinks 7 nights per week. Very, very rarely might she have one night off but I’d say this averages less than once a month. The upturn in her drinking coincided with my father’s death… no great surprise there in itself.

So, quantity. She drinks at least a bottle per night every night. To put this in context, she’s 67, 5’ tall and weighs, I’d guess, about 7 or 8 stone.

I have spoken to her about it and it is met with – depending on her mood – a curt dismissal a la teenage “I never asked to be born” or a plaintive “just give me a bit of time after your father”. She sees nothing wrong with the amount she drinks and plays lip service to the fact she should cut down. She also shakes, but puts this down to her age.

So – given she’s unbelievably stubborn and creatively evasive when she doesn't want to do something and that she's completely unreceptive to the idea of cutting down let alone stopping drinking, what can my sister and I do? I thought of perhaps telling her doctor, with the idea that the next time she see my mum she might gently slip it in to the conversation.

I'm aware of the school of thought that the drinker needs to want to stop/cut down/whatever but I can’t watch my mum destroy herself like this. She is still very much grieving since my father’s death in December ’14 but, despite our best efforts, resolutely refuses to get any help with it. She did contact CRUSE but because of the way they’re run, she had to wait for a volunteer to contact her. They played voicemail-tennis for a while until my mum gave up (I am in NO WAY blaming CRUSE here).

Any advice or suggestions gratefully received!

PS: She lives with us at the pub but doesn't drink “downstairs”. All her wine is bought by herself, for herself and drunk alone.

[Landlord]

Kermit power said:

In what way is it ruining her life? I couldn't see that in your post?

I don't think you'll have much joy trying to get her to consider the abstract concept that she shouldn't be drinking so much just because she shouldn't be drinking so much. I reckon you'd have a far greater chance of success if you can link it to something specifically causing her issues.

Good question and good point! I'm not sure I have the answer. Aside from physically shaking there's no real outwardly obvious signs.

I guess I'm just going on the "that much booze can't be good for you" route. I mean, I'm by no means well versed in this stuff but doesn't the liver have an amazing capacity to keep going until pretty much the last minute? I don't really want it to get to that point. I think, at 6' 3" and "a shade over <mumbled> stone", I'd not be able to cope with that much booze every night let alone someone of her build.

The more intangible consequence, admittedly only IMHO, is that she is still very much struggling with losing my dad - of course, 6 months is no time at all given a 50 year relationship - however, I honestly believe she'd have more (any!) "better days" if she were not nursing a hangover and filling her evenings with something more than a bottle of red and repeats of "The Chase".

[Landlord]

Thanks for the posts everyone.

The suggestion of hobbies is a valid one. Indeed, after Dad died she spoke about learning to swim (she never did as a child), going to night school and a plethora of other ideas. We gently remind her of these plans and she brushes them away with excuses and delaying tactics. She is incredibly adept at avoiding things she doesn't want to do. I know this is the answer but short of marching her to a class or whatever, there's little more we can do. Someone said they paid for their grandfather to join a club - this may be an option. A kind of obligation by stealth. It may break the deadlock and open her up to other clubs and the like.

As for the chap who suggested I become tee-total and lose weight to set an example, whilst I realise (assume) it was somewhat tongue in cheek, seriously, I'm not suggesting my mum becomes tee-total. I'd rather she drank in a moderation commensurate with her size/age/etc.

The questions as to how it's affecting her life; It's hard to describe because they are subtle and can only really be seen by those who know her very well and know her moods. Be, most pertinently, it's not the affects now, it's the affects in the future. It seems a bit short-sighted to me to say if it's not demonstrably affecting her now then it's OK. Why wait until the point of no return to say "you really should stop now"?

I think, on reflection, suggesting and supporting her taking up things to fill her evenings is the most sensible route.

Thanks again everyone for your contributions. Chin chin.

[Landlord]

happychap said:

I notice you mentioned that your mother has lost her partner, but you don't mention what its like to have lost your father. Without knowing how you are managing this loss, you might want to talk with your mother about how its affecting both of you. This might be a means of support for both of you and a means of your mother taking back some control of her alcohol consumption.

Interesting point. We do talk to each other about it but mostly in the "I'm having a bad day today" or "Today was OK" etc. She does talk about him more and more as the drink takes hold and sometimes I just don't want to talk about it. It's really hard being a shoulder to lean on when the listener is just as affected as the talker. This is why we've encouraged her to talk to CRUSE.

I also firmly believe that her drinking and therefore hangovers are impeding her ability to "deal" with the loss of her husband which in turn makes her more likely to drink to escape. A vicious cycle.