I'm mentally broken

[funkyrobot]

Just had to call the docs and make an appointment. I'm seriously concerned about my mental health in relation to work.

My current job is wrecking me and is making me deeply, deeply unhappy. I'm constantly tired through odd sleeping patterns, constantly in a state of worry and have had multiple instances of wanting to turn around and just go home whilst driving to work. Dare I say it, the front end of a lorry has seemed inviting on a few occasions.

I have a wonderful home life, thankfully. Without that, I would be in serious trouble.

I've seeing a doctor this afternoon as I know the symptoms of anxiety attacks. I had a period a few years ago where I was really, really low. Anxiety had dragged me down and I was becoming a terrible person to live with. I wasn't angry or violent, I have never been so. I would just lock myself away and my fiancée was getting really concerned about where I was heading.

I was put on a course of class sessions to talk about anxiety, what it does to you and how you can attempt to combat it. However, everything I learned on that course doesn't seem to help when it comes to my current job setup. I broke down last week before work and cried and cried.

I have called in sick today as I simply couldn't face work. So, rather than waste the time I'm going to use it to see a professional and see if I can get some help.

Apparently, I am ok at my job. I'm getting work done and I have made a difference in the last year and a half I have been there. However, it's making me terribly worried, making me doubt myself every day and is hitting me hard emotionally.

Along with the normal working day, I'm also expected to be on call from around 6am until I get into the office, and from when I leave until 10pm at night. I'm pretty much running the job on my own (apart from when trying to use unreliable external contractors).

Some may question my post and state that this is part of working life and stress is normal. However, I have worked for a long time now and I have never had this level of anxiety before.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

Thanks all.

Edited by funkyrobot on Monday 29th February 09:45

[funkyrobot]

Thanks everyone for the helpful comments.

I shall post back here after I have been to the docs.

I see I'm not alone with this.

[funkyrobot]

PurpleTurtle said:

OP, why not look for a job as an IT Manager somewhere else?

Sorry to sound blunt, but your job thread sounds as if either the company you work for is badly run, or you just aren't cut out to be an IT Manager? If you give IT Management a go elsewhere, and face the same isssues, perhaps it's not for you?

I've done 20yrs in IT as a Contractor (techie) and recognise many of the things you describe on that thread, but fortunately don't have to deal with them myself, because many years ago I made the conscious decision that anything with 'Manager' in the title involved a putting up with other people's st to a certain extent(from above or below). Really not for me.

You sound to me like a classic case of a techie that has followed a career path into management but doesn't actually enjoy management. Easy solution to that: get technical again.

It could well be me. It's the first time I've had any job title with the word 'management' in. I was originally hired to work on a new system implementation, with looking after the IT on the side. My job title shouldn't even be manager related as my boss didn't know what else to label it as. It should really be coordinator, analyst or something like that.

It could also be the way the company is run. It's an absolute shambles really. The company turns over a lot of work, but makes hardly any profit. There are people who milk the system, people who take the pee and people who literally pee money out of the door. The place reminds me of a badly run public sector organisation that has the dinosaurs and upper tier of management creaming everything off, whilst the rest run around trying to make do with pittance.

I also have a very odd setup with my boss. He a financial based, was apparently one of the highest scoring in the country with his exams, has his finger in a lot of pies and thinks that he knows everything. Despite hiring me as a manager, he refers to me as his 'boy' (so I have been reliably informed), pretty much interferes in everything I do, overrides everything I do to the point where people just try to argue with me and go around me because he panders to their needs, and kicks off when I plan to take holiday as he may need some time off at a similar point. Most of all though, he is very weak and if I have to be assertive, he overrules me. He panders to our external support companies (so they treat us like crap), he won't let me seek alternatives or even try to make things more efficient in terms of suppliers etc, and he won't back me up.

He gave me a bking a few weeks ago because one of his 'mates' (another manager) smashed his phone. I ordered a new one, provided assistance with backing up private pictures off the work device (yes), and left he chap to it as he wanted to try it himself and then pass on the old work device to his son, free of charge. When I told my manager about the situation, he said bks to him as we had enough work to do.

The chap gave it a few days and then, out of the blue, kicked off about the phone. He basically said I hadn't helped and if I didn't do anything now, he would keep the old phone and take it on a business trip. If it broke, then I would be in trouble. Rather than support me and re-iterate what I had done, my manager bked me and questioned why I hadn't fixed the phone sooner. This was less than 24 hours after he said bks about the situation. Odd indeed.

So, it could be me or it could well be the place. We'll see. Off to docs now.

[funkyrobot]

Thank you so much everyone. I shall reply in more detail later, but I've been signed off for a week. This will take me up to my week of leave that starts next Monday. In total, I'll have two weeks off. That is something I haven't had for a long, long time.

I will lose some money this week, but I run everything financial with a big buffer, so that should be fine. I'm going to make the most of this time to clear my head, have a good look at some alternative jobs and see what is out there.

[funkyrobot]

Thanks Jazzer.

Fortunately for me, I don't drink hardly anything. Had a great walk this morning as walked a few miles to meet my fiancée and our daughter when they left children's group. Doing the same tomorrow so ramping up the exercise.

When I spoke to the gp earlier, he went through some questions and also asked me if I do want to hurt myself. I told him that I won't be considering that as my home life is very good. I'm fortunate that I have a beautiful 18 month old daughter and a lovely fiancée. They have been keeping me from tipping completely over the edge.

In relation to work, I informed HR earlier about my week's notice. The lady was very pleasant on the phone and told me to take the time off and not to worry about anything. As I have notified her, I don't have to do anything else. Just switch off my phone and take a break. I still have some stuff to sort that I had booked for this week, but when that is done I'm turning off for a week or so.

I emailed my manager earlier and haven't heard a thing back. I have asked for his thoughts on the appointments I had booked for this week as I have visits and I won't be there to sort them. I asked what he wanted to do; either cancel them or see if someone else can assist and supervise. The latter would be the best as it would mean the visits can still go ahead and people can crack on with projects. It's been over five hours now and I haven't heard a thing back. I haven't heard from him all day really, I emailed him just after 5 this morning to say I wasn't going to be in and he didn't respond. I know he has been getting my emails as he forwarded one on to someone else and included me in the trail. Anything about me though has been ignored.

If I haven't heard anything by tomorrow morning I'll contact the external company, cancel everything and just leave it at that. My manager won't be happy, but what else can I do?

I'm hitting job ads tomorrow and will see what else is out there. As others have said on here, I don't think my situation at that company will change. I informed the gp of this and he said it was a good idea.

I intend to wake up tomorrow feeling more positive. I'm not going to let my current situation drag me down and I am certainly not going to worry about work. If the worst comes to the worst, I can take a few months off and still be ok money wise.

Once again, thanks for everyone's input on here. It has been much appreciated. I'm glad I have been able to see what is happening to me and glad I went to the docs. First step of sorting a problem is admitting you have one.

Oh yes, my family are so relieved that I have a few weeks off too.

[funkyrobot]

crazy about cars said:

Taking time off to clear the head definitely helps, I've took few days off recently too. Just make sure you switch off completely from work - no checking phone/emails. All the best funkyrobot!

Will be doing that soon. Thanks.

[funkyrobot]

FredClogs said:

Sounds likely to be your boss is a , why that is bothering you so much might be the crux of the matter and more within your control. Certainly sounds like a change of job rather than a wholesale career change is in order.

To be fair to GPs they're not really that much use for things like this, you can help yourself - gain some perspective, learn to be assertive/ignore/ridicule your boss a bit more and generally treat life as the absurd string of ridiculous events that it is. Something outside of work might help, a sport, hobby, pastime, maybe some mindfulness meditation, I've done them all - anything you can do to live in the moment and put your y bosses ishness at the bottom of the list of things you need to care about whilst you look for a better job.

Useful info and highlights the attitude I need to take. Thanks.

[funkyrobot]

crazy about cars said:

We are in a similar position and I believe almost similar job roles too OP. Although for me there might be threat of impending redundancy hence the anxiety. It's hard to get any support for this at work (I had to take holidays during days when I'm really affected) as it will risk my job even further so it's definitely frustrating.

I find it helpful to share so if you want pop by the depression thread : http://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&a...

Thanks. Will take a look.

Hope your situation doesn't get any worse.

[funkyrobot]

xjay1337 said:

But no guarantee of work - some times you are going to be flat out busy.

Other times, no work for weeks. Swings and roundabouts :\

Working in IT is very stressful.

I'm about to get a bksing for fixing a customer problem which was outstanding with other engineers for weeks, I fixed it in 2 days, some reporting data was lost unexpectedly, apparently my email was "to the point".. !!
Customer didn't even officially complain but I'm under the chopping board.

Typical. I know what that be like. I fixed someone's email a bit ago. They then accused me of deleting an large email draft that they had started. I hadn't done anything of the sort, but it didn't stop them accusing me. So much for thanks, eh.

[funkyrobot]

PurpleTurtle said:

OP, this leaps out of your post to me:

My current job is wrecking me and is making me deeply, deeply unhappy. I'm constantly tired through odd sleeping patterns, constantly in a state of worry and have had multiple instances of wanting to turn around and just go home whilst driving to work.

Clearly you feel trapped in your job. Could it be changed? Either your role within your current employer, or leaving altogether. Is that an option at all?

I've known many people over the years with varying degress of the work-related issues you describe, you are most definitely not alone. Some employers bend over backwards to make positive changes, others do nothing. Which one is yours? I am guessing, due to the nature of your post, they are tending more towards the latter?

Ask yourself if things could realistically change there? If not are you able to go elsewhere, other commitments (salary, location etc) permitting?

Please don't do anything drastic. I had a friend of 35yrs kill himself in November, none of the 200+ people who turned up at his funeral had any idea he was similarly troubled, we are all still asking ourselves why he did it, missing him greatly. You've had the strength to recognise it as a problem, and to seek professional help, two massive steps. Your family and friends need you, and I expect none of them would want you to carry on being miserable in a job you don't like.

I doubt anything will change at my current job. I've asked for help before, but nothing really materialises.

I think a change is definitely in order.

Sorry to hear about your friend.

[funkyrobot]

944fan said:

There is also an anxiety thread running alongside the depression one.

I have been feeling very similar to you recently. I have not been signed off by the Drs but have had the odd day off when I just can't face it. I have also had that thought about sticking the car in the ditch. Not to end it, but enough to get me out of having to face work for a bit.

I have also been through the breaking down and crying uncontrollably.

GP is a good place to start. There are lots of options. Anti depressants, counselling, lots of self help. It will take time to sort this but it is something that you can sort.

Self help is worth looking at. For me for example, drink booze makes my symptoms a lot, lot worse. No drinking and plenty of exercise for me helps a lot. Although it doesn't solve it.

Plenty of people on here in the two threads mentioned that have had and have similar so lots of things to read and people to talk to here.

Hopefully this thread will help you too.

I do hope you can find a resolution to your problems.

As mentioned above, I'm fortunate that I don't drink a lot. I think I would be hitting the bottle hard if I did. My father had alcohol issues and I vowed never to put my family through some of the things I witnessed.

[funkyrobot]

FredClogs said:

I've been there many years ago, it's the reason I started contracting and gave up salaried permie work. Stress isn't, as many people think, about being overly busy, it's about a loss of control - which is what leads to the anxiety. You should know yourself better than anyone, you sound self aware enough to be able to sort this but you have to take action - now. You can get out or you can find a way to cope, it's entirely dependent on what you want or are able to do, first thing you need to do is be honest with your employers, boss and honest with yourself, even if you can afford to push the trapdoor on this job and get out it may not be the best thing to do, but there's no real advice I or anyone can give, like I said this kind of stress and anxiety is about loosing control and you'll over come it by taking back control.

Good points, thank. I have been honest with my boss, but he is yet to respond.

[funkyrobot]

AlexC1981 said:

Your boss sound like a PITA. No point wasting your time working with a man like that. It's funny how your job can seem like the centre of the world sometimes. Even if you have good career prospects it can be hard to see life beyond it. Ultimately, it's just a place of work and there are plenty other places out there. And some places contain great people to work with.

Indeed. Still no word from him. He is in and out of the office for the next few weeks, but normally responds to emails all of the time. He has been sending me stuff over the weekend. I had emails from him on Saturday and Sunday asking if 'x' job was done, did people get their system documentation in etc. But now, it's all gone quiet. Nothing directly back to me all day. Very unusual.

I've giving him until tomorrow morning, then I'm just telling the external companies to cancel everything.

[funkyrobot]

Thanks. Learning to say 'fk it' is something I need to achieve. The problem with me is that I care far too much. I feel that everything has to be done properly and in a timely manner.

What I have learned so far is that you cannot do this every time, and you cannot make everyone happy.

As indicated by this thread, I also worry about things, a lot. I need to learn to disconnect a bit. Still worry, but only worry about things I can control and only then when it is necessary.

I'll see how the next few weeks go. I intend to make the most of it. Thanks.

Edited to add, I am taking the advice and applying it to my situation.

[funkyrobot]

He emailed me late last night. Asked me to get everything cancelled and let some people know that I won't be in for two weeks.

When I spoke to HR yesterday, I was informed that I didn't need to do any mop up stuff myself. Just easier if I do as it's all done now.

Work mode now disconnected though.

Thanks.

[funkyrobot]

Haven't been out on the bicycle for a while. Think it's something that has suffered because of my mental issues.

Definitely need to drag it out and get going again.

[funkyrobot]

andy-xr said:

Wherever you go, there you are again. You follow yourself round, and I firmly believe that you (or you could say me, or anyone really) has something in their thoughts they find they dont like. I used to ignore things about a job because I wantd the money. I wanted the money because that gave me a lifestyle I wanted, so I compromised on things at work in order to get more out of work. Like cars, and in some cases things to put up my nose on weekends.

Doesnt make you happy though. My peak, if you can call it that involved doing great things for a German company to amke more money. I was fairly well paid by my stndards, but it cost me a girlfriend, a social life and any kind of enjoyment. I quit, quickly without anything to go to becuase I knew whatever I was doing next, I wasnt doing that.

I've made real conscious choices with subsequent jobs, because you learn from your mistakes. Particularly with managers, because I also believe in that meme that people dont leave companies, they leave managers. I've had bad ones, but I've also had some of the best I've ever seen. The good ones share a characteristic - they dont micro manage and they give you more rope than you need, while knowing they can sort out anything that goes wrong if they have to. There's an air about great managers that's inspiring.

I think if you're unhappy and you think you dont have a choice, you're not seeing the full picture. Society and the bank tells you that you must be in employment, you must go for that raise and new title, get promoted. Really though, you dont have to do any of that. Find something you like, that roughly pays the bills and you'll be happier. It doesnt matter if you're not driving round in the latest 7 series, and it doesnt matter that you dont have an amazing house. Me put too much presure on themseles to be some kind of amazing superhero, sometimes you've just got to accept that you're not Batman and no-one other than yourself expects you to be

Thanks Andy.

The thing about me is that I'm not at all money oriented. My favourite thing to do at the moment is spend quality time with my family. My fiancee and I are not at all materialistic and if I'm honest, we only really spend money when we need to. I have planned to have a few nights out next week when on leave, but that will be the first time we have spent money on anything but the essentials for ages.

At the moment, my job pays me well enough to run the house of my income, and have enough money spare to bang into a savings account or spend on the odd thing we like. As I have mentioned in other posts on different threads, I am considered quite 'tight' and some would consider us boring. This is because we enjoy the things in life that don't cost money.

As you have said, I'm definitely thinking of something closer to home that pays for the bills etc, but doesn't drain me like my current role is doing.

As for cars, I have a 9 year old Mazda. Even if I had thousands of pounds spare, I stil wouldn't want to spend it on a car.

Your comments on managers are interesting. I left my previous role because, ironically, I was in a major rut, was working my butt off and didn't get any recognition or help from my manager. He seemed far more interested in pandering to my senior colleagues who were actually his mates. This is why it's a damn shame that I am now in a similar position in my current job. I guess, as has been mentioned above, this is the world of IT Management and I may not suit it.

Anyhow, I'm off on a job hunt tomorrow. My fiancee and my daughter are off to see an ill family member (distant, her side) and because I was supposed to be at work, nothing has been arranged for me to go too. However, I'm going to use this time to catch up on my sleep (something anyone with kids will understand) and have a good look around at jobs. I was due to do this today, but I've been doing things I would never normally have the chance to do. Like going to my daughter's children's group, heading into town on a weekday to get some jobs done etc.

If I may ask, what do you do for a job nowadays Andy?

Thanks.

[funkyrobot]

Derek Smith said:

I had a similar problem and when I finally admitted it to myself I was able, bit by bit, to take control of my life again. The thing to remember is that you are behaving normally as it is a sort of defence mechanism. It was explained to me as like cramp. A response to too much stress. Your emotions are in effect saying "stuff this." It's a bit more painful than cramp though.

You are not doing anything wrong. You are not mad. You are under stress. It is worse for those who try and do their best and when thwarted, try and find a way around.

I took up options, left my job and never looked back. It took a while to get 'better' so it might be best not to think of all your problems being over after your fortnight off.

What's best for your circumstances is down to you of course, but before making major decisions, check with those you trust who know what you are going through. I nearly bought a car I didn't like, didn't want, didn't need and could barely afford.

Best of luck, mate. There's many out there just like you and me. Once you settle you'll realise that most of those who were giving you aggro were in a similar situation to you, but just didn't know.

This might sound as if I am mad now, but in a way I'm glad I did go through it all. This is hardly uncommon with those who've come out the other side. You'll have a sense of values that are a massive improvement on your old. You'll see things much more clearly. You'll treasure your friends and family and have a sense of dep regret that you didn't before. I also found out who my friends were not and that really hurt, but I've got no resentment against them. If anything, I feel a bit sorry for them.

You are normal.

Happy for a PM if you want.

Thanks Derek. Very useful and much appreciated words of advice.

As I have said above, I'm clearing my head and having a snoop around for something different.

The moment I was signed off work yesterday, it was if a dark cloud had lifted. I instantly felt so much happier. Just need to get something I like now.

[funkyrobot]

WinstonWolf said:

Yeah, your cycling is a bit st these days It's a fantastic way of destressing, I'd be having a cheeky lunch ride right now if it wasn't raining...

It is indeed. Need to get everything sorted tomorrow bike wise when my daughter and fiancee are away.

[funkyrobot]

Spitfire2 said:

Definitely do things you enjoy.

I agree. When I was in your situation it was easier to switch off after sending a few mails telling people I'd be away.

Are you going back to the doc before you are due to return to work? Hope so. If not I'd say make an appointment if possible.

No plans to go back to the docs, but as you say, it may be worthwhile. My sick note states 'no follow up needed'. I'll see how I feel towards the end of next week and see how the job hunting goes.