Emotional eating and being unlucky in life?
Discussion
I'll get straight to the point,i've always had a weight problem from my childhood right up to now. Having been through a really rough past 2 years, getting therapy and posting on here about changing my life, the strand that runs through it all is eating to feel happy but then failing miserably!
Some backstory:
Born in the New Forest and lived there till i was 18. Dad was an ex army officer in ' special operations' ( he never fully explained that), who had lost all his family ( except his mum) during WW2, and saw his own dad commit suicide when he was 10! At 18 he was kicked out by his mum and went off to create his own life. My mum was an only child. Fast forward and i arrive in 1967 followed by my sister 2 years later. Nothing unusual there except my dad put me in the local comprehensive to ' toughen up and learn how life kicks crap out of you everyday'. What followed was 5 years of bullying ( i was v.stocky and wore glasses) with daily punch ups/humiliations and the PE teacher physically hitting me, pushing my head down the toilet and forcing me to complete extra laps of the playing field for being last every time, watched by all my laughing class mates. I complained to my dad who replied ' a man never shows his emotions, never moans or complains or cries. Endure it and you'll be a man tomorrow'. My mum cleaned the blood and fed me delicious home cooked meals ( cakes etc). I put on weight so took up swimming, lost weight and swam competitively for the local swimming club ( the school PE teacher never selected me for the school team). I even tried out for the south of England championship ( my dad never congratulated me, just told me to improve).
I loved reading and spent hours devouring Jules Verne/HG Wells/Alistair Maclean etc to escape from the daily hell i was enduring. I hated all my lessons, was called stupid and thick by my teachers ( back in those days a teacher could get away with virtually anything! ) I wrote short stories and funny poems at night in my bed by torchlight,but my dad just ripped them up and told me that 'a man earns a living with with science not by living in a fantasy world'. My dad could have gone to Cambridge but lack of money meant Manchester where he was the top student in maths/physics. He then had a successful military career before becoming an engineering specialist for airline companies.
My English teacher only wanted poetry or literature in her creative writing lessons, so my dozens of short stories depicting fantasy worlds/swashbuckling historical adventures/ sci-fi were routinely held up for ridicule!!! I read all the books on the years curriculum at home and did nothing in class. I borrowed tons of history books from the local public library, 'borrowed' books from the school library, nicked books from a local second hand book shop and wasted my time in class!
At 18 i left for uni down in Devon where i enjoyed 3 years of freedom and love. I lost weight by playing rugby and enjoying life. However, tragedy struck on my girl friend's 21st birthday when i drove her to a country spot to propose to her ( ( we were together for 3 years) and a drunk driver jumped some lights and hit the vehicle. I survived, she didn't. My dad offered no sympathy simply telling me ' you're still alive so forget what's happened and get on with your life!' My solution was 6 months of drunken nights and eating all the crap i could stuff into my mouth!
After leaving uni i worked in sales/marketing for a few years and lost weight but then tragedy struck again on the 31st December 1991 at midnight when my mum died of leukemia. She was hospitalized on boxing day and my dad refused to let me see her in hospital until the 31st. In fact the hospital called us at 11.30pm saying my mum's condition had suddenly changed but when we got to the hospital at midnight ( with nurses celebrating New Year in the corridor's!) the doctor told us we had arrived 5 minutes too late!!!
The result was 2 years of drinking/over eating with my dad saying ' life's like that. get over it and start again'.
I taught at a really tough secondary school in Portsmouth where i wanted to make a difference and help the kids, especially those who were being bullied. I was turned down for successive assistant head of year jobs and head of history due to my face not fitting( i caught a head of year with her lover, a fellow teacher, in a classroom!). I met my future French wife there and we decided to get married in 1997. I applied for 2 head of history posts in Brighton and Southampton but got no response so handed in my notice and left for France. The school in Southampton had in fact offered me the post but the letter was sent out late by the new secretary to the address i had just vacated to move to France!
Onto a new life in France and i apply for and get a job teaching in an international school in Clermont-Ferrand ( my wife's home town) and my wife got her teaching posting at an excellent school there as well. We decided to buy a house and found a lovely 4 bed house in the local countryside and got a mortgage. Bad luck struck when 24h before the start of the new school year the rectorat ( local education authority) contacted my wife to tell her that they'd made an administrative error confusing her name with another teacher's, and in fact she was being posted to a school in Paris!!!!
A new life in suburban Paris began with all the stress ( i put on 2 stone in my first 2 years there). I gradually climbed up from temporary jobs to a full time job at an international sixth form. I lost all the excess weight. Then in 2004 i applied for a job at a school closer to home. On the day of the job interview i decided to drop off my 6 year old son at his school on the way. Bad luck, i got knocked down by a speeding driver outside the school on the pelican crossing and was thrown 10 meters. The firemen resuscitated me( in front of my son who witnessed it) and then what followed was 12 months of hospitalization and re education. I was sacked by my employer 1 week after the accident ( they refused to respect my job contract). What followed was 2 years of administrative hell, negotiating with insurance companies and being treated like crap by the in-laws ( the mother in law hated me!!). Guess what i put on weight!
I did what my dad told me to do and got back on my feet ( literally i had to learn to walk again after 30+ fractures) found another job. 12 years down the line and daily 90 mile commutes, 2 children educated at this private international school, 100% pass rate for my students every year, and successive pay cuts ( the equivalent of £400 net per month), and the final straw getting divorced in 2015. There was 2 years of lawyers, paperwork, meetings, and huge emotional suffering. No prizes for guessing, i put on 2 stone. The ex got the house ( with the in laws help), i got to see my kids everyday ( taking them to the school where i teach), and i fought everyone to uphold my rights. My dad's response to my situation was,
' i told you back in 1997 that giving up your career in England was a mistake, you didn't listen to me, you moved to France so your on your own.'
So that brings me right up to date. No friends, no family, no social life, just being there for my 2 children.
Aged 49, height 5' 11 '', weight 205 lbs. I don't drink alcohol/sodas/fizzy drinks/ don't smoke but i can't shift the weight. I've cut out all pizzas, pasta, tarts, biscuits, cakes and sugar in my diet. I've joined a gym and work out there 2-3 times a week with a mixture of cardio/weights but the weight keeps piling on!!! I cycle 2 hours every Sunday ( weather permitting) around the local forests and that helps to clear my head a bit, until i go back to work every Monday morning!
Every day i feel like chucking everything in and moving back to England. My son is going to university in Paris in September but my daughter is only 13 and loves going to the school where i teach ( 90 mile round trip).
I feel totally stuck here with only the thought of my daughter getting an excellent education like her brother, keeping me from resigning from my job. I've applied to other private schools in the Paris area but all they can offer is lower pay and no place for my daughter.
Whenever i feel angry/depressed and like crap i have the reflex of reaching for the cheese/biscuits/cakes etc. A lifetime of emotional knocks has led to a lifetime of emotional eating and my current situation is making it difficult to break the habit. One day i'm up at 6 full of energy and the next i can't even get out of bed. I force myself to make lists of things to do, short term goals to aim for, with all the time the nagging thoughts that somewhere along the way i've messed up things.
Thanks for reading this post right to the end and apologies if it got a bit boring in places.
Some backstory:
Born in the New Forest and lived there till i was 18. Dad was an ex army officer in ' special operations' ( he never fully explained that), who had lost all his family ( except his mum) during WW2, and saw his own dad commit suicide when he was 10! At 18 he was kicked out by his mum and went off to create his own life. My mum was an only child. Fast forward and i arrive in 1967 followed by my sister 2 years later. Nothing unusual there except my dad put me in the local comprehensive to ' toughen up and learn how life kicks crap out of you everyday'. What followed was 5 years of bullying ( i was v.stocky and wore glasses) with daily punch ups/humiliations and the PE teacher physically hitting me, pushing my head down the toilet and forcing me to complete extra laps of the playing field for being last every time, watched by all my laughing class mates. I complained to my dad who replied ' a man never shows his emotions, never moans or complains or cries. Endure it and you'll be a man tomorrow'. My mum cleaned the blood and fed me delicious home cooked meals ( cakes etc). I put on weight so took up swimming, lost weight and swam competitively for the local swimming club ( the school PE teacher never selected me for the school team). I even tried out for the south of England championship ( my dad never congratulated me, just told me to improve).
I loved reading and spent hours devouring Jules Verne/HG Wells/Alistair Maclean etc to escape from the daily hell i was enduring. I hated all my lessons, was called stupid and thick by my teachers ( back in those days a teacher could get away with virtually anything! ) I wrote short stories and funny poems at night in my bed by torchlight,but my dad just ripped them up and told me that 'a man earns a living with with science not by living in a fantasy world'. My dad could have gone to Cambridge but lack of money meant Manchester where he was the top student in maths/physics. He then had a successful military career before becoming an engineering specialist for airline companies.
My English teacher only wanted poetry or literature in her creative writing lessons, so my dozens of short stories depicting fantasy worlds/swashbuckling historical adventures/ sci-fi were routinely held up for ridicule!!! I read all the books on the years curriculum at home and did nothing in class. I borrowed tons of history books from the local public library, 'borrowed' books from the school library, nicked books from a local second hand book shop and wasted my time in class!
At 18 i left for uni down in Devon where i enjoyed 3 years of freedom and love. I lost weight by playing rugby and enjoying life. However, tragedy struck on my girl friend's 21st birthday when i drove her to a country spot to propose to her ( ( we were together for 3 years) and a drunk driver jumped some lights and hit the vehicle. I survived, she didn't. My dad offered no sympathy simply telling me ' you're still alive so forget what's happened and get on with your life!' My solution was 6 months of drunken nights and eating all the crap i could stuff into my mouth!
After leaving uni i worked in sales/marketing for a few years and lost weight but then tragedy struck again on the 31st December 1991 at midnight when my mum died of leukemia. She was hospitalized on boxing day and my dad refused to let me see her in hospital until the 31st. In fact the hospital called us at 11.30pm saying my mum's condition had suddenly changed but when we got to the hospital at midnight ( with nurses celebrating New Year in the corridor's!) the doctor told us we had arrived 5 minutes too late!!!
The result was 2 years of drinking/over eating with my dad saying ' life's like that. get over it and start again'.
I taught at a really tough secondary school in Portsmouth where i wanted to make a difference and help the kids, especially those who were being bullied. I was turned down for successive assistant head of year jobs and head of history due to my face not fitting( i caught a head of year with her lover, a fellow teacher, in a classroom!). I met my future French wife there and we decided to get married in 1997. I applied for 2 head of history posts in Brighton and Southampton but got no response so handed in my notice and left for France. The school in Southampton had in fact offered me the post but the letter was sent out late by the new secretary to the address i had just vacated to move to France!
Onto a new life in France and i apply for and get a job teaching in an international school in Clermont-Ferrand ( my wife's home town) and my wife got her teaching posting at an excellent school there as well. We decided to buy a house and found a lovely 4 bed house in the local countryside and got a mortgage. Bad luck struck when 24h before the start of the new school year the rectorat ( local education authority) contacted my wife to tell her that they'd made an administrative error confusing her name with another teacher's, and in fact she was being posted to a school in Paris!!!!
A new life in suburban Paris began with all the stress ( i put on 2 stone in my first 2 years there). I gradually climbed up from temporary jobs to a full time job at an international sixth form. I lost all the excess weight. Then in 2004 i applied for a job at a school closer to home. On the day of the job interview i decided to drop off my 6 year old son at his school on the way. Bad luck, i got knocked down by a speeding driver outside the school on the pelican crossing and was thrown 10 meters. The firemen resuscitated me( in front of my son who witnessed it) and then what followed was 12 months of hospitalization and re education. I was sacked by my employer 1 week after the accident ( they refused to respect my job contract). What followed was 2 years of administrative hell, negotiating with insurance companies and being treated like crap by the in-laws ( the mother in law hated me!!). Guess what i put on weight!
I did what my dad told me to do and got back on my feet ( literally i had to learn to walk again after 30+ fractures) found another job. 12 years down the line and daily 90 mile commutes, 2 children educated at this private international school, 100% pass rate for my students every year, and successive pay cuts ( the equivalent of £400 net per month), and the final straw getting divorced in 2015. There was 2 years of lawyers, paperwork, meetings, and huge emotional suffering. No prizes for guessing, i put on 2 stone. The ex got the house ( with the in laws help), i got to see my kids everyday ( taking them to the school where i teach), and i fought everyone to uphold my rights. My dad's response to my situation was,
' i told you back in 1997 that giving up your career in England was a mistake, you didn't listen to me, you moved to France so your on your own.'
So that brings me right up to date. No friends, no family, no social life, just being there for my 2 children.
Aged 49, height 5' 11 '', weight 205 lbs. I don't drink alcohol/sodas/fizzy drinks/ don't smoke but i can't shift the weight. I've cut out all pizzas, pasta, tarts, biscuits, cakes and sugar in my diet. I've joined a gym and work out there 2-3 times a week with a mixture of cardio/weights but the weight keeps piling on!!! I cycle 2 hours every Sunday ( weather permitting) around the local forests and that helps to clear my head a bit, until i go back to work every Monday morning!
Every day i feel like chucking everything in and moving back to England. My son is going to university in Paris in September but my daughter is only 13 and loves going to the school where i teach ( 90 mile round trip).
I feel totally stuck here with only the thought of my daughter getting an excellent education like her brother, keeping me from resigning from my job. I've applied to other private schools in the Paris area but all they can offer is lower pay and no place for my daughter.
Whenever i feel angry/depressed and like crap i have the reflex of reaching for the cheese/biscuits/cakes etc. A lifetime of emotional knocks has led to a lifetime of emotional eating and my current situation is making it difficult to break the habit. One day i'm up at 6 full of energy and the next i can't even get out of bed. I force myself to make lists of things to do, short term goals to aim for, with all the time the nagging thoughts that somewhere along the way i've messed up things.
Thanks for reading this post right to the end and apologies if it got a bit boring in places.
Edited by rosbif77 on Wednesday 3rd August 18:02
Edited by rosbif77 on Wednesday 3rd August 18:16
grumbledoak said:
Don't try to work it off. It won't work. More exercise will just make you more hungry. Look first at what you eat, and then how much you eat. Alcohol, obvious sugar, and then less obvious sugars (i.e. carbs) are the most likely culprits.
I can't advise on the country of residence side - you've got constraints and you've got to try to balance/juggle/fight them. It sucks, but what you really want isn't on offer and you've still got to choose.
Your dad sounds like a right
. I'd not bother contacting him again, frankly.
I check all the food labels when i do my weekly food shopping and it's quite frightening the amount of sugar they put into 'harmless stuff' these days. To live sugar free you have to buy everything fresh and cook for hours.I can't advise on the country of residence side - you've got constraints and you've got to try to balance/juggle/fight them. It sucks, but what you really want isn't on offer and you've still got to choose.
Your dad sounds like a right
. I'd not bother contacting him again, frankly.grumbledoak said:
Don't try to work it off. It won't work. More exercise will just make you more hungry. Look first at what you eat, and then how much you eat. Alcohol, obvious sugar, and then less obvious sugars (i.e. carbs) are the most likely culprits.
I can't advise on the country of residence side - you've got constraints and you've got to try to balance/juggle/fight them. It sucks, but what you really want isn't on offer and you've still got to choose.
Your dad sounds like a right. I'd not bother contacting him again, frankly.
What i really want is to start a new life back in Britain and still see my children.I can't advise on the country of residence side - you've got constraints and you've got to try to balance/juggle/fight them. It sucks, but what you really want isn't on offer and you've still got to choose.
Your dad sounds like a right
. I'd not bother contacting him again, frankly.If you read through my lifestory above there's always been something that goes wrong just when life was getting better for me. I don't know if it's a question of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, sheer bad luck or something else, but whatever it is i must be jinxed!
All that suffering and lack of love/support during the bad times led me to confort eat to ease the pain. It's been a continual vicious circle;when you see yourself in the mirror after binge drinking or gorging on sugary stuff you feel so down you just wanna reach for another bottle/cake!
Has anyone on here been through a similar situation and if so how did they get out of it?
No comments about 'manning up or tough or out' because that's all i got from my dad and it didn't stop another disaster from happening!
All that suffering and lack of love/support during the bad times led me to confort eat to ease the pain. It's been a continual vicious circle;when you see yourself in the mirror after binge drinking or gorging on sugary stuff you feel so down you just wanna reach for another bottle/cake!
Has anyone on here been through a similar situation and if so how did they get out of it?
No comments about 'manning up or tough or out' because that's all i got from my dad and it didn't stop another disaster from happening!
Muzzer79 said:
rosbif77 said:
So that brings me right up to date. No friends, no family, no social life, just being there for my 2 children.
Aged 49, height 5' 11 '', weight 205 lbs. I don't drink alcohol/sodas/fizzy drinks/ don't smoke but i can't shift the weight.
If you're doing all that exercise, (genuinely) eating right and still not dropping weight, see a doctor.
It may be that you're building muscle instead of fat. Have you seen a PT?
Agree with others regarding depression - talk to your doc about that aswell.
I know i've got fatter round the middle because my jeans are too tight. My arme are more pumped up but the belly's expanded as well!!!!
Edited by rosbif77 on Thursday 4th August 20:44
desolate said:
at the risk of repeating myself - have you discounted depression?
The reason I ask is that the people I know with life stories like yours are either depressed or alcoholics.
My GP diagnosed severe depression due to getting divorced, losing all my in laws/friends, then successive pay cuts. I've had therapy with three different specialists and been taking sleeping pills, doing relaxation exercises, and joined a couple of local clubs.The reason I ask is that the people I know with life stories like yours are either depressed or alcoholics.
desolate said:
rosbif77 said:
My GP diagnosed severe depression due to getting divorced, losing all my in laws/friends, then successive pay cuts. I've had therapy with three different specialists and been taking sleeping pills, doing relaxation exercises, and joined a couple of local clubs.
In my opinion, based only on interaction with others and having no medical training, this is the route of your problem.I'd continue seeking help until you find a therapist/doctor that works for you - once you have tackled the depression you may well find that the other issues seem much more manageable.
dreamer75 said:
Purely on the weight thing, I've mountain biked for about 3 years, but recently bought a road bike and joined a club. Riding twice a week with them (occasionally 3 times if I manage a mtb as well) has made a difference within a month. My legs have changed shape, visible muscle definition, fat has dropped off my tummy (I'm a girl so it tends to be in different places) and back and my arms have toned. All while making new friends and being sociable - I hate gyms but being outside doing something which also happens to be exercise is great 
You do have to push - a lazy ride around the park won't do it, but might be worth considering. It also helps with your state of mind - clearing your head, calming you, and if it's a club meeting new people. I haven't lost any weight but I've certainly lost fat and gained muscle.
I'm currently a member of a mountain bike club about 45 mins drive from where i live. I joined 2 local cycling clubs last year but got thrown out of the first one for hitting the club treasurer( his grandad was in the Vichy milice during WW2 and half the members were FN supporters which pissed me off ). The second one was full of rich legal/financial types who liked stopping off at gourmet pubs on the way home ( if you couldn't pay 100 euros/meal you got cold shouldered). You do have to push - a lazy ride around the park won't do it, but might be worth considering. It also helps with your state of mind - clearing your head, calming you, and if it's a club meeting new people. I haven't lost any weight but I've certainly lost fat and gained muscle.New cycling club is quite a drive by car si will see how it goes.
I also joined the local history club but the club president hates all anglo-saxons and all the members are afraid of him( he's the mayor's brother!!!)
shakotan said:
This.
You are depressed and that depression is displaying itself as body dysmorphia. I'm also 5'11 and weight just under 200lbs. I have a little bit of a spare tyre and that's about it. You most certainly couldn't call me fat in any way, shape or form, so you being 6lb heavier than me is going to be a negligable physical difference.
I've always had a bit of a spare tyre even during my fitter periods. However, even though since starting at the gym my arms/shoulders/legs are more muscled my belly has expanded. My jeans are tighter and it shows in the mirror. I don't eat any sugary foods/pasta/rice/spaghetti/bread/quiches or tarts. I put on weight, almost by magic, every time i feel seriously down and depressed. My therapist talks a lot about periods of confort eating at different times in my past life, but despite going to the gym and being really careful with what i eat now the belly fat just won't shift! In the past 12 months i've gone from 80 kg to 93kg which by anyone's standards is a lot! I bought a whole new wardrobe of clothes after the divorce but i can't fit into those jeans now and all the shirts feel tight ( not around the shoulders but across the tummy). You are depressed and that depression is displaying itself as body dysmorphia. I'm also 5'11 and weight just under 200lbs. I have a little bit of a spare tyre and that's about it. You most certainly couldn't call me fat in any way, shape or form, so you being 6lb heavier than me is going to be a negligable physical difference.
I definitely comfort ate for a few months last year ( essentially cheese/bananas/fruit yogurts/bread and nutella), but i cut out all that in January this year and since then i've put on 8kg ( maybe muscle but a bigger belly).
At the gym the personal trainer worked out a special plan to turn excess fat into muscle:
3x cross bike sessions of 20 minutes split into 30 second bursts of intensive work to accelerate the heart rate then 30 seconds of slower work to lower the heart rate ( much better way to burn energy) then 1 hour of lifting different weights with 3x 20/25 lifts each time, and to finish 30 minutes of gym bike. I also cycle 2h every Sunday morning. Plus every day i have to climb 5 flights of stairs several times to get to my flat.
Edited by rosbif77 on Friday 5th August 15:27
warp9 said:
Muzzer79 said:
rosbif77 said:
So that brings me right up to date. No friends, no family, no social life, just being there for my 2 children.
Aged 49, height 5' 11 '', weight 205 lbs. I don't drink alcohol/sodas/fizzy drinks/ don't smoke but i can't shift the weight.
Totally depressed again and desperately resisting the urge to overeat; just did pension simulation on official gov website over here. I can retire at 78 (!!!!!!) based on current pension fund but will need to contribute 1800 euros/month extra for next 16 years if i want to retire comfortablely at aged 65!!!!!
Looks like i'm f
ked!!!!!!!Edited by rosbif77 on Friday 5th August 19:39
MYOB said:
If I were you, I would focus on the present, rather than the future (pension). Try and compartmentalise your issues, and I personally would focus on the most difficult one first... Whether to move back to the UK or stay in France. Then progress from there. It sound like you have too much to worry with!
Good luck.
Should i stay or should i go.....?Good luck.
I'm absolutely paralysed with fear about making the wrong decision!
ELUSIVEJIM said:
rosbif77 said:
I'll get straight to the point,i've always had a weight problem from my childhood right up to now. Having been through a really rough past 2 years, getting therapy and posting on here about changing my life, the strand that runs through it all is eating to feel happy but then failing miserably!
Some backstory:
Born in the New Forest and lived there till i was 18. Dad was an ex army officer in ' special operations' ( he never fully explained that), who had lost all his family ( except his mum) during WW2, and saw his own dad commit suicide when he was 10! At 18 he was kicked out by his mum and went off to create his own life. My mum was an only child. Fast forward and i arrive in 1967 followed by my sister 2 years later. Nothing unusual there except my dad put me in the local comprehensive to ' toughen up and learn how life kicks crap out of you everyday'. What followed was 5 years of bullying ( i was v.stocky and wore glasses) with daily punch ups/humiliations and the PE teacher physically hitting me, pushing my head down the toilet and forcing me to complete extra laps of the playing field for being last every time, watched by all my laughing class mates. I complained to my dad who replied ' a man never shows his emotions, never moans or complains or cries. Endure it and you'll be a man tomorrow'. My mum cleaned the blood and fed me delicious home cooked meals ( cakes etc). I put on weight so took up swimming, lost weight and swam competitively for the local swimming club ( the school PE teacher never selected me for the school team). I even tried out for the south of England championship ( my dad never congratulated me, just told me to improve).
I loved reading and spent hours devouring Jules Verne/HG Wells/Alistair Maclean etc to escape from the daily hell i was enduring. I hated all my lessons, was called stupid and thick by my teachers ( back in those days a teacher could get away with virtually anything! ) I wrote short stories and funny poems at night in my bed by torchlight,but my dad just ripped them up and told me that 'a man earns a living with with science not by living in a fantasy world'. My dad could have gone to Cambridge but lack of money meant Manchester where he was the top student in maths/physics. He then had a successful military career before becoming an engineering specialist for airline companies.
My English teacher only wanted poetry or literature in her creative writing lessons, so my dozens of short stories depicting fantasy worlds/swashbuckling historical adventures/ sci-fi were routinely held up for ridicule!!! I read all the books on the years curriculum at home and did nothing in class. I borrowed tons of history books from the local public library, 'borrowed' books from the school library, nicked books from a local second hand book shop and wasted my time in class!
At 18 i left for uni down in Devon where i enjoyed 3 years of freedom and love. I lost weight by playing rugby and enjoying life. However, tragedy struck on my girl friend's 21st birthday when i drove her to a country spot to propose to her ( ( we were together for 3 years) and a drunk driver jumped some lights and hit the vehicle. I survived, she didn't. My dad offered no sympathy simply telling me ' you're still alive so forget what's happened and get on with your life!' My solution was 6 months of drunken nights and eating all the crap i could stuff into my mouth!
After leaving uni i worked in sales/marketing for a few years and lost weight but then tragedy struck again on the 31st December 1991 at midnight when my mum died of leukemia. She was hospitalized on boxing day and my dad refused to let me see her in hospital until the 31st. In fact the hospital called us at 11.30pm saying my mum's condition had suddenly changed but when we got to the hospital at midnight ( with nurses celebrating New Year in the corridor's!) the doctor told us we had arrived 5 minutes too late!!!
The result was 2 years of drinking/over eating with my dad saying ' life's like that. get over it and start again'.
I taught at a really tough secondary school in Portsmouth where i wanted to make a difference and help the kids, especially those who were being bullied. I was turned down for successive assistant head of year jobs and head of history due to my face not fitting( i caught a head of year with her lover, a fellow teacher, in a classroom!). I met my future French wife there and we decided to get married in 1997. I applied for 2 head of history posts in Brighton and Southampton but got no response so handed in my notice and left for France. The school in Southampton had in fact offered me the post but the letter was sent out late by the new secretary to the address i had just vacated to move to France!
Onto a new life in France and i apply for and get a job teaching in an international school in Clermont-Ferrand ( my wife's home town) and my wife got her teaching posting at an excellent school there as well. We decided to buy a house and found a lovely 4 bed house in the local countryside and got a mortgage. Bad luck struck when 24h before the start of the new school year the rectorat ( local education authority) contacted my wife to tell her that they'd made an administrative error confusing her name with another teacher's, and in fact she was being posted to a school in Paris!!!!
A new life in suburban Paris began with all the stress ( i put on 2 stone in my first 2 years there). I gradually climbed up from temporary jobs to a full time job at an international sixth form. I lost all the excess weight. Then in 2004 i applied for a job at a school closer to home. On the day of the job interview i decided to drop off my 6 year old son at his school on the way. Bad luck, i got knocked down by a speeding driver outside the school on the pelican crossing and was thrown 10 meters. The firemen resuscitated me( in front of my son who witnessed it) and then what followed was 12 months of hospitalization and re education. I was sacked by my employer 1 week after the accident ( they refused to respect my job contract). What followed was 2 years of administrative hell, negotiating with insurance companies and being treated like crap by the in-laws ( the mother in law hated me!!). Guess what i put on weight!
I did what my dad told me to do and got back on my feet ( literally i had to learn to walk again after 30+ fractures) found another job. 12 years down the line and daily 90 mile commutes, 2 children educated at this private international school, 100% pass rate for my students every year, and successive pay cuts ( the equivalent of £400 net per month), and the final straw getting divorced in 2015. There was 2 years of lawyers, paperwork, meetings, and huge emotional suffering. No prizes for guessing, i put on 2 stone. The ex got the house ( with the in laws help), i got to see my kids everyday ( taking them to the school where i teach), and i fought everyone to uphold my rights. My dad's response to my situation was,
' i told you back in 1997 that giving up your career in England was a mistake, you didn't listen to me, you moved to France so your on your own.'
So that brings me right up to date. No friends, no family, no social life, just being there for my 2 children.
Aged 49, height 5' 11 '', weight 205 lbs. I don't drink alcohol/sodas/fizzy drinks/ don't smoke but i can't shift the weight. I've cut out all pizzas, pasta, tarts, biscuits, cakes and sugar in my diet. I've joined a gym and work out there 2-3 times a week with a mixture of cardio/weights but the weight keeps piling on!!! I cycle 2 hours every Sunday ( weather permitting) around the local forests and that helps to clear my head a bit, until i go back to work every Monday morning!
Every day i feel like chucking everything in and moving back to England. My son is going to university in Paris in September but my daughter is only 13 and loves going to the school where i teach ( 90 mile round trip).
I feel totally stuck here with only the thought of my daughter getting an excellent education like her brother, keeping me from resigning from my job. I've applied to other private schools in the Paris area but all they can offer is lower pay and no place for my daughter.
Whenever i feel angry/depressed and like crap i have the reflex of reaching for the cheese/biscuits/cakes etc. A lifetime of emotional knocks has led to a lifetime of emotional eating and my current situation is making it difficult to break the habit. One day i'm up at 6 full of energy and the next i can't even get out of bed. I force myself to make lists of things to do, short term goals to aim for, with all the time the nagging thoughts that somewhere along the way i've messed up things.
Thanks for reading this post right to the end and apologies if it got a bit boring in places.
Hi mate,
Sorry to hear you troubles but you are doing an amazing job.
Unfortunately everything you are experiencing is due to your childhood and then the circumstances which has followed during your life.
As mentioned you father is the main issue. Due to him having lost love ones and perhaps not dealing or not having the opportunity to be able to show his own feelings of grief then took this out on you. He wanted you to be a man. Very much a army way of dealing with death.
He wanted you to basically feel pain on a daily basis. His quote being a man never shows his emotions, never moans or complains or cries. Endure it and you'll be a man tomorrow'. This is heartless but very much an old way of thinking. I am sure your father was perhaps told this when he lost family members during the War.
The comfort in food is due to the love you felt from eating after your mum cooked and looked after you when she attended to you. This will be stored in your subconscious mind and will make you feel close to your mum.
I feel you pain about your teachers. I know many people like you who would love to be able to have a few minutes in a room with them to return the favor. I doubt many would be able to walk back out.
Not being able to say goodbye to your mum again is something that will always be a huge issue for you. Again this was your father in a way trying to protect you but then saying you have to deal with it as this is life. Again this is him not knowing how to deal with a situation so just deal with it.
No one after losing their mother to these circumstances and not being able to say goodbye will be able to deal with this fact. This is why again you went down the food route as it was like she was there for you. It was your comfort. Your father again lost his wife just like the past. Sounds like he shut down. Still no excuse but he was a man in his eyes by showing no emotion. Must have been hell.
To then lose your girlfriend again brings you back to square one and food.Memories of your mum will have been brought back yet again as well as they terrible accident. This was a very good time in your life taken away by a drunk driver. Yes you survived but your heart was broken. Your father again can't deal with it and says a stupid quote.
Again later you and your wife divorce and your father states it is your fault. You should have listened to him. Not what you want to hear.
So apart from your mum your whole life you have been made to feel worthless and stupid. This is something that if enough people keep telling you this you believe it to be true. Obviously we all know you are not but it sticks in your mind.
Hope you do not mind me asking but are you on any medication? Antidepressants?
Do you still have contact with your father?
Are you able to see your children without any issues and how often do you have access?
Is moving back to England something you want to do or because your father thinks it is a good idea?
Anyone who has been through what you have been through would be bound to have issues and feelings of depression or even hate. You need to actually give yourself a huge amount of credit that you are not a father like your own father and that your children are doing very well. This shows how good a man you are.
I am sure if anyone asked your children how you are it would give you a huge boost hearing there views.
I know many people who have had a fraction of the things you have had to deal with and they have landed up with serious drug or alcohol problems. Considering the people you have lost at important times in your life you are doing a fantastic job. You feel you are a bit overweight but you are out doing things about this and not just sitting at home eating.
I personally think you are a very strong person.
I just read your post and you're the first person to correctly work out the real issues i have. Not even the therapists i've seen have stated what you said so precisely.Some backstory:
Born in the New Forest and lived there till i was 18. Dad was an ex army officer in ' special operations' ( he never fully explained that), who had lost all his family ( except his mum) during WW2, and saw his own dad commit suicide when he was 10! At 18 he was kicked out by his mum and went off to create his own life. My mum was an only child. Fast forward and i arrive in 1967 followed by my sister 2 years later. Nothing unusual there except my dad put me in the local comprehensive to ' toughen up and learn how life kicks crap out of you everyday'. What followed was 5 years of bullying ( i was v.stocky and wore glasses) with daily punch ups/humiliations and the PE teacher physically hitting me, pushing my head down the toilet and forcing me to complete extra laps of the playing field for being last every time, watched by all my laughing class mates. I complained to my dad who replied ' a man never shows his emotions, never moans or complains or cries. Endure it and you'll be a man tomorrow'. My mum cleaned the blood and fed me delicious home cooked meals ( cakes etc). I put on weight so took up swimming, lost weight and swam competitively for the local swimming club ( the school PE teacher never selected me for the school team). I even tried out for the south of England championship ( my dad never congratulated me, just told me to improve).
I loved reading and spent hours devouring Jules Verne/HG Wells/Alistair Maclean etc to escape from the daily hell i was enduring. I hated all my lessons, was called stupid and thick by my teachers ( back in those days a teacher could get away with virtually anything! ) I wrote short stories and funny poems at night in my bed by torchlight,but my dad just ripped them up and told me that 'a man earns a living with with science not by living in a fantasy world'. My dad could have gone to Cambridge but lack of money meant Manchester where he was the top student in maths/physics. He then had a successful military career before becoming an engineering specialist for airline companies.
My English teacher only wanted poetry or literature in her creative writing lessons, so my dozens of short stories depicting fantasy worlds/swashbuckling historical adventures/ sci-fi were routinely held up for ridicule!!! I read all the books on the years curriculum at home and did nothing in class. I borrowed tons of history books from the local public library, 'borrowed' books from the school library, nicked books from a local second hand book shop and wasted my time in class!
At 18 i left for uni down in Devon where i enjoyed 3 years of freedom and love. I lost weight by playing rugby and enjoying life. However, tragedy struck on my girl friend's 21st birthday when i drove her to a country spot to propose to her ( ( we were together for 3 years) and a drunk driver jumped some lights and hit the vehicle. I survived, she didn't. My dad offered no sympathy simply telling me ' you're still alive so forget what's happened and get on with your life!' My solution was 6 months of drunken nights and eating all the crap i could stuff into my mouth!
After leaving uni i worked in sales/marketing for a few years and lost weight but then tragedy struck again on the 31st December 1991 at midnight when my mum died of leukemia. She was hospitalized on boxing day and my dad refused to let me see her in hospital until the 31st. In fact the hospital called us at 11.30pm saying my mum's condition had suddenly changed but when we got to the hospital at midnight ( with nurses celebrating New Year in the corridor's!) the doctor told us we had arrived 5 minutes too late!!!
The result was 2 years of drinking/over eating with my dad saying ' life's like that. get over it and start again'.
I taught at a really tough secondary school in Portsmouth where i wanted to make a difference and help the kids, especially those who were being bullied. I was turned down for successive assistant head of year jobs and head of history due to my face not fitting( i caught a head of year with her lover, a fellow teacher, in a classroom!). I met my future French wife there and we decided to get married in 1997. I applied for 2 head of history posts in Brighton and Southampton but got no response so handed in my notice and left for France. The school in Southampton had in fact offered me the post but the letter was sent out late by the new secretary to the address i had just vacated to move to France!
Onto a new life in France and i apply for and get a job teaching in an international school in Clermont-Ferrand ( my wife's home town) and my wife got her teaching posting at an excellent school there as well. We decided to buy a house and found a lovely 4 bed house in the local countryside and got a mortgage. Bad luck struck when 24h before the start of the new school year the rectorat ( local education authority) contacted my wife to tell her that they'd made an administrative error confusing her name with another teacher's, and in fact she was being posted to a school in Paris!!!!
A new life in suburban Paris began with all the stress ( i put on 2 stone in my first 2 years there). I gradually climbed up from temporary jobs to a full time job at an international sixth form. I lost all the excess weight. Then in 2004 i applied for a job at a school closer to home. On the day of the job interview i decided to drop off my 6 year old son at his school on the way. Bad luck, i got knocked down by a speeding driver outside the school on the pelican crossing and was thrown 10 meters. The firemen resuscitated me( in front of my son who witnessed it) and then what followed was 12 months of hospitalization and re education. I was sacked by my employer 1 week after the accident ( they refused to respect my job contract). What followed was 2 years of administrative hell, negotiating with insurance companies and being treated like crap by the in-laws ( the mother in law hated me!!). Guess what i put on weight!
I did what my dad told me to do and got back on my feet ( literally i had to learn to walk again after 30+ fractures) found another job. 12 years down the line and daily 90 mile commutes, 2 children educated at this private international school, 100% pass rate for my students every year, and successive pay cuts ( the equivalent of £400 net per month), and the final straw getting divorced in 2015. There was 2 years of lawyers, paperwork, meetings, and huge emotional suffering. No prizes for guessing, i put on 2 stone. The ex got the house ( with the in laws help), i got to see my kids everyday ( taking them to the school where i teach), and i fought everyone to uphold my rights. My dad's response to my situation was,
' i told you back in 1997 that giving up your career in England was a mistake, you didn't listen to me, you moved to France so your on your own.'
So that brings me right up to date. No friends, no family, no social life, just being there for my 2 children.
Aged 49, height 5' 11 '', weight 205 lbs. I don't drink alcohol/sodas/fizzy drinks/ don't smoke but i can't shift the weight. I've cut out all pizzas, pasta, tarts, biscuits, cakes and sugar in my diet. I've joined a gym and work out there 2-3 times a week with a mixture of cardio/weights but the weight keeps piling on!!! I cycle 2 hours every Sunday ( weather permitting) around the local forests and that helps to clear my head a bit, until i go back to work every Monday morning!
Every day i feel like chucking everything in and moving back to England. My son is going to university in Paris in September but my daughter is only 13 and loves going to the school where i teach ( 90 mile round trip).
I feel totally stuck here with only the thought of my daughter getting an excellent education like her brother, keeping me from resigning from my job. I've applied to other private schools in the Paris area but all they can offer is lower pay and no place for my daughter.
Whenever i feel angry/depressed and like crap i have the reflex of reaching for the cheese/biscuits/cakes etc. A lifetime of emotional knocks has led to a lifetime of emotional eating and my current situation is making it difficult to break the habit. One day i'm up at 6 full of energy and the next i can't even get out of bed. I force myself to make lists of things to do, short term goals to aim for, with all the time the nagging thoughts that somewhere along the way i've messed up things.
Thanks for reading this post right to the end and apologies if it got a bit boring in places.
Hi mate,
Sorry to hear you troubles but you are doing an amazing job.
Unfortunately everything you are experiencing is due to your childhood and then the circumstances which has followed during your life.
As mentioned you father is the main issue. Due to him having lost love ones and perhaps not dealing or not having the opportunity to be able to show his own feelings of grief then took this out on you. He wanted you to be a man. Very much a army way of dealing with death.
He wanted you to basically feel pain on a daily basis. His quote being a man never shows his emotions, never moans or complains or cries. Endure it and you'll be a man tomorrow'. This is heartless but very much an old way of thinking. I am sure your father was perhaps told this when he lost family members during the War.
The comfort in food is due to the love you felt from eating after your mum cooked and looked after you when she attended to you. This will be stored in your subconscious mind and will make you feel close to your mum.
I feel you pain about your teachers. I know many people like you who would love to be able to have a few minutes in a room with them to return the favor. I doubt many would be able to walk back out.
Not being able to say goodbye to your mum again is something that will always be a huge issue for you. Again this was your father in a way trying to protect you but then saying you have to deal with it as this is life. Again this is him not knowing how to deal with a situation so just deal with it.
No one after losing their mother to these circumstances and not being able to say goodbye will be able to deal with this fact. This is why again you went down the food route as it was like she was there for you. It was your comfort. Your father again lost his wife just like the past. Sounds like he shut down. Still no excuse but he was a man in his eyes by showing no emotion. Must have been hell.
To then lose your girlfriend again brings you back to square one and food.Memories of your mum will have been brought back yet again as well as they terrible accident. This was a very good time in your life taken away by a drunk driver. Yes you survived but your heart was broken. Your father again can't deal with it and says a stupid quote.
Again later you and your wife divorce and your father states it is your fault. You should have listened to him. Not what you want to hear.
So apart from your mum your whole life you have been made to feel worthless and stupid. This is something that if enough people keep telling you this you believe it to be true. Obviously we all know you are not but it sticks in your mind.
Hope you do not mind me asking but are you on any medication? Antidepressants?
Do you still have contact with your father?
Are you able to see your children without any issues and how often do you have access?
Is moving back to England something you want to do or because your father thinks it is a good idea?
Anyone who has been through what you have been through would be bound to have issues and feelings of depression or even hate. You need to actually give yourself a huge amount of credit that you are not a father like your own father and that your children are doing very well. This shows how good a man you are.
I am sure if anyone asked your children how you are it would give you a huge boost hearing there views.
I know many people who have had a fraction of the things you have had to deal with and they have landed up with serious drug or alcohol problems. Considering the people you have lost at important times in your life you are doing a fantastic job. You feel you are a bit overweight but you are out doing things about this and not just sitting at home eating.
I personally think you are a very strong person.
Thankyou for understanding what the real problem is.
You're right, i've been made to feel stupid and worthless all my life by those who were supposed to look after/love/care for me. The only confort was my mum ( food) and not having been able to say goodbye to her still haunts me.
I've lost everyone who i loved, except my children, which makes having to stay here in France ( and face daily financial/professional stress) rather than making a new life for me elsewhere all the more harder to take. I've met some other women through online dating etc but my subconscious just tells me to avoid any more emotional commitment to avoid future loss.
There have been times in my life when i hit the bottle hard but i always stopped before it became an illness. I've haven't drunk any alcohol for more than a year now and strangely i just don't like the taste of wine/spirits. Cider and ales are what i love.
The real problem has always been food since i've been emotionally programmed since my childhood to seek confort and solace in over indulging. Everything centres round my mum.
All my life my dad and i have had terrible problems of communication. We could never have a simple conversation because he always had to have the last word and the slightest show of emotion was seen as weakness and therefore punished.
When i used to come home from school covered in cuts and bruises from being attacked by half a dozen of my class mates he would just tell me to man up, take a cold (!) bath then off to bed!!! A son who couldn't stand up to 6/8 guys was no man!!
They always jumped me every evening on the way home, i would knock out a couple but there were always too many! Walking down the school corridors became a daily hell as i ran the gauntlet of kicks/shoves/spitting etc. Early on i would hit back every time and was constantly in detention. After a while i just gave up and got used to the physical violence. The teachers back then couldn't give a damn about the daily bullying going on. They just mocked those kids who were seen as dumb and stupid since there must be some reason why the other kids kept picking on me!
My dad's been suffering from ill health the past few years and i made the first move to keep in touch. He still refuses to discuss the past. He's v, proud of my children's achievements but just can't bring himself to give me or my kids a kiss or a hug ( i do this every day with my children as i don't want them to feel unloved like i did). Whenever i try to talk to him about my childhood or the loss of my mum a door closes and he goes silent.
When i was at school he was physically and psychologically intimidating. I never dared to argue with him since i always came off worse!
I've never stopped praising and encouraging my children to always aim high, never give up and have always been there to confort them when necessary. My ex left me to look after our children's education ( she teaches 5 mins from home, whereas i've been driving the kids to and from the school every day for the past 8 years, 50 mile daily commute). I was always there to collect/pick up from school trips/sports days etc. I never refused once to help out my children with something.
They both love me dearly and never cease to tell me how proud they are to be my children.
I feel terrible because in order to have access to my children and see them everyday ( they go to the international school where i work), i've had to accept living near the family house ( which the ex got), see ex friends who dropped me after the divorce, and bury all my hopes and dreams rather than being able to start a new life elsewhere.
There have been times in my life when i've found myself starring down from a bridge at the black waters of a river and wondering how many seconds it will take to fall, or the moments when i've drunk nearly all the whisky bottle and there's a box of aspirin sitting on the bedside table, or what would happen if i pressed on the accelerator and let go of the steering wheel.
Fortunately i always found something inside me at the final moment.
Edited by rosbif77 on Friday 5th August 22:27
I've been so used to feeling like a failure throughout my life that i lack the courage to achieve things. When i was young my dad would constantly moan about being undervalued in his job due to the Oxford/Cambridge educated toffs getting the top jobs even though he was the better candidate. He had à typical northerner's down to earth/straight to the point honesty that ruffled people. If i didn't understand something first time he would call me useless and lazy, and then compare me to my grand father in my mother's side who wasted his life.
He never treated my sister in the same way.
She has a strong personality, is very frank and direct and doesn't care what anyone thinks of her. She left school at 16 with limited qualifications and has had a series of low skilled dead end jobs all her life. My dad has never once criticised her or even called her stupid or lazy. He lavished money on her when she was young whereas i had to do loads of household chores/gardening/mowing the lawn/washing the car in order to get my miserly pocket money. Even after completing all those jobs he would still find a reason to to say i was lazy/stupid.
My sister was allowed to go out clubbing at 16, when my dad caught me at the pub at the same age he dragged me out and made me cut the front lawn with a pair of scissors.
He threatened to kick me out of the house if i didn't make it to university. I got turned down from Durham but accepted at Exeter. He told me to get à summer job to pay for uni since he wouldn't give me anything. I worked night shifts in a factory for 3 months before going to uni, then at Southampton docks the second summer and finally in a pub the 3rd year.
Not once did my father congratulate me on working hard and earning my own wage.
Instead he gave my sister more pocket money and paid for her to go on holiday.
When i graduated from Exeter his first reaction was to ask how i failled to get a 1st and said i would never achieve anything in life with a poor honours degree in history and English. He told me i would end up a failure in life just like my mum's dad and that a real man works with science and technology not words!!!!
I wanted to be a writer or a journalist so my dad threatened to disinherit me if i chose this career path. I wrote a manuscript for a Cold War style thriller after leaving uni. I bought an old fashioned typewriter in a second hand shop and spent my nights typing out my story. One day just before finishing the final chapter he caught me at 3am and ripped up the manuscript calling me a waste of space and that no son of his would ever make a living from writing stories!
When i brought up this memory with my dad again last year he denied that it had ever happened!
My sister got married to the guy she moved in with at 18 and he won a load of money betting on horses. My dad helped them invest it in property when houses were cheap. They now live off rental income. When i asked my dad to help me put down the deposit on a house i wanted to buy in 1997 he sent me packing!!!!
My sister and her family regularly come over to France to visit Disneyland Paris. Despite me living only 30 minutes away from there she has never once bothered to come and visit me or even tell me they were staying at Disneyland.
When i've taken my children back to England to visit my family we've had to book into a hotel or b+b because no one could put us up ( my dad married his 2nd wife who is nearly 20 years younger than him and they live in Newcastle).
This summer my sister invited me and my children round on the final evening we were in England. She ordered take away pizza and spent the evening watching the tv!!!! I wanted to stay in her huge house but instead we camped in the New Forest
I made the effort to see my sister because my 2 children were desperate to see their English cousins. My sister never sends me any Christmas/birthday cards, never phones or textes me, and my children have never received any Christmas/birthday gifts from her
.
From 1997 to now my father has never once invited me or my family to spend Christmas with him in Newcastle. The excuses being it's too cold there, too far, too expensive and his 2nd wife's family have too many Christmas events to organise!!! My dad's second wife treats me like i'm useless and lazy and constantly puts down my mum. She's extremely generous towards her family, always taking up and highlighting their life achievements( all her nieces have made poor career choices/ all divorced but all got houses from an uncle who was a self made millionaire!) All these northerners are very warm and friendly but constantly sponging off their aunt ( my dad's 2ne wife). SHe worked v.hard during her life and her brother is a self made millionaire who left school at 14 with no qualifications!!! All the family constantly come round to 'aunties' for cash for shopping/holidays/gadgets etc!!!
She blames me for my divorce breaking down and never stops telling me that me that i've made the wrong decisions in my life. She loves spoiling my kids when we go there every summer but my dad or her refuse to help me financially. Their reasoning is that since i chose to leave England and my career myself and build a new life abroad i can't expect any sympathy from them for the resulting problems!!! Her family are different off course!! All her nieces and nephews got nice cash handouts/ houses bought for them to start them out in life, whereas according to her and my dad i had everything given to me on a plate when i was young and am too lazy to get off my own backside and do things on my own!!!
He never treated my sister in the same way.
She has a strong personality, is very frank and direct and doesn't care what anyone thinks of her. She left school at 16 with limited qualifications and has had a series of low skilled dead end jobs all her life. My dad has never once criticised her or even called her stupid or lazy. He lavished money on her when she was young whereas i had to do loads of household chores/gardening/mowing the lawn/washing the car in order to get my miserly pocket money. Even after completing all those jobs he would still find a reason to to say i was lazy/stupid.
My sister was allowed to go out clubbing at 16, when my dad caught me at the pub at the same age he dragged me out and made me cut the front lawn with a pair of scissors.
He threatened to kick me out of the house if i didn't make it to university. I got turned down from Durham but accepted at Exeter. He told me to get à summer job to pay for uni since he wouldn't give me anything. I worked night shifts in a factory for 3 months before going to uni, then at Southampton docks the second summer and finally in a pub the 3rd year.
Not once did my father congratulate me on working hard and earning my own wage.
Instead he gave my sister more pocket money and paid for her to go on holiday.
When i graduated from Exeter his first reaction was to ask how i failled to get a 1st and said i would never achieve anything in life with a poor honours degree in history and English. He told me i would end up a failure in life just like my mum's dad and that a real man works with science and technology not words!!!!
I wanted to be a writer or a journalist so my dad threatened to disinherit me if i chose this career path. I wrote a manuscript for a Cold War style thriller after leaving uni. I bought an old fashioned typewriter in a second hand shop and spent my nights typing out my story. One day just before finishing the final chapter he caught me at 3am and ripped up the manuscript calling me a waste of space and that no son of his would ever make a living from writing stories!
When i brought up this memory with my dad again last year he denied that it had ever happened!
My sister got married to the guy she moved in with at 18 and he won a load of money betting on horses. My dad helped them invest it in property when houses were cheap. They now live off rental income. When i asked my dad to help me put down the deposit on a house i wanted to buy in 1997 he sent me packing!!!!
My sister and her family regularly come over to France to visit Disneyland Paris. Despite me living only 30 minutes away from there she has never once bothered to come and visit me or even tell me they were staying at Disneyland.
When i've taken my children back to England to visit my family we've had to book into a hotel or b+b because no one could put us up ( my dad married his 2nd wife who is nearly 20 years younger than him and they live in Newcastle).
This summer my sister invited me and my children round on the final evening we were in England. She ordered take away pizza and spent the evening watching the tv!!!! I wanted to stay in her huge house but instead we camped in the New Forest
I made the effort to see my sister because my 2 children were desperate to see their English cousins. My sister never sends me any Christmas/birthday cards, never phones or textes me, and my children have never received any Christmas/birthday gifts from her
.
From 1997 to now my father has never once invited me or my family to spend Christmas with him in Newcastle. The excuses being it's too cold there, too far, too expensive and his 2nd wife's family have too many Christmas events to organise!!! My dad's second wife treats me like i'm useless and lazy and constantly puts down my mum. She's extremely generous towards her family, always taking up and highlighting their life achievements( all her nieces have made poor career choices/ all divorced but all got houses from an uncle who was a self made millionaire!) All these northerners are very warm and friendly but constantly sponging off their aunt ( my dad's 2ne wife). SHe worked v.hard during her life and her brother is a self made millionaire who left school at 14 with no qualifications!!! All the family constantly come round to 'aunties' for cash for shopping/holidays/gadgets etc!!!
She blames me for my divorce breaking down and never stops telling me that me that i've made the wrong decisions in my life. She loves spoiling my kids when we go there every summer but my dad or her refuse to help me financially. Their reasoning is that since i chose to leave England and my career myself and build a new life abroad i can't expect any sympathy from them for the resulting problems!!! Her family are different off course!! All her nieces and nephews got nice cash handouts/ houses bought for them to start them out in life, whereas according to her and my dad i had everything given to me on a plate when i was young and am too lazy to get off my own backside and do things on my own!!!
Edited by rosbif77 on Saturday 6th August 09:21
Edited by rosbif77 on Saturday 6th August 09:31
I certainly feel a lot better having opened up to someone about the real issues troubling me.
Everyday is a constant struggle between an inner voice telling me i'm useless and everything goes wrong so therefore why bother, and another one which tells me not to feel sorry for myself and do something with my life. I have terrible sleeping patterns as i regularly have nightmares and wake up in a cold sweat panicking about my future and remembering all the disasters that have befallen me.
I feel extremely frustrated and bitter about how i've been treated by those around me and that's left me with a terrible feeling of unfairness. That makes me want to drink alcohol or stuff myself with sugary foods. Since i no longer buy these things i can't get my hands on them in the kitchen and that makes it worse!!! I find myself wandering round my flat, pacing up and down and desperately trying to concentrate on something else. It often happens that i end up reading some thriller or watching a dvd boxset at 2 in the morning!!!!
The GP put me on sleeping pills for a while but i tried to take them all at once so she sent me to see a psychologist. That was 6 months ago and the weight still stubbornly refuses to budge. I've recently taken up cycling again so maybe that will eventually help things!
When i went camping with my 2 children in the New Forest earlier this summer i took them to a spot on Beaulieu river where my dad had spread my mum's ashes. He never told me where he had put my mum's ashes, i found out by accident just 2 years ago from my sister, who had been present on that day, and my dad had kept this from me since 1992 telling me each time i asked that my mum was buried elsewhere! That was a terrible shock and still to this day he refuses to admit to me face to face what he'd done! He tries to justify his actions by telling me my sister wasn't present that day ( she was and my dad had told her not to tell me in order to protect me!!!)
My 2 children understand the whole story now and my daughter said to me as we stood by the river, 'daddy don't be sad. Your mummy's in heaven now and she knows how much you love and miss her. I would've loved to have met your mum since she was a beautiful person and you care for us like she cared for you'.
It's at moments like that you understand what really matters in life!
Everyday is a constant struggle between an inner voice telling me i'm useless and everything goes wrong so therefore why bother, and another one which tells me not to feel sorry for myself and do something with my life. I have terrible sleeping patterns as i regularly have nightmares and wake up in a cold sweat panicking about my future and remembering all the disasters that have befallen me.
I feel extremely frustrated and bitter about how i've been treated by those around me and that's left me with a terrible feeling of unfairness. That makes me want to drink alcohol or stuff myself with sugary foods. Since i no longer buy these things i can't get my hands on them in the kitchen and that makes it worse!!! I find myself wandering round my flat, pacing up and down and desperately trying to concentrate on something else. It often happens that i end up reading some thriller or watching a dvd boxset at 2 in the morning!!!!
The GP put me on sleeping pills for a while but i tried to take them all at once so she sent me to see a psychologist. That was 6 months ago and the weight still stubbornly refuses to budge. I've recently taken up cycling again so maybe that will eventually help things!
When i went camping with my 2 children in the New Forest earlier this summer i took them to a spot on Beaulieu river where my dad had spread my mum's ashes. He never told me where he had put my mum's ashes, i found out by accident just 2 years ago from my sister, who had been present on that day, and my dad had kept this from me since 1992 telling me each time i asked that my mum was buried elsewhere! That was a terrible shock and still to this day he refuses to admit to me face to face what he'd done! He tries to justify his actions by telling me my sister wasn't present that day ( she was and my dad had told her not to tell me in order to protect me!!!)
My 2 children understand the whole story now and my daughter said to me as we stood by the river, 'daddy don't be sad. Your mummy's in heaven now and she knows how much you love and miss her. I would've loved to have met your mum since she was a beautiful person and you care for us like she cared for you'.
It's at moments like that you understand what really matters in life!
Edited by rosbif77 on Saturday 6th August 17:52
Hi ELUSIVEJIM,
I've got several questions in fact si here goes:
1. Do you work in therapy/psychology? You mentioned helping people so i'm guessing based on your comments about my dad's behaviour.
2. How can i break the vicious cycle of feeling unloved/unwanted/abandonned by my dad and confort eating to bury the pain?
3. What can i do to overcome the feeling that life's given me raw deal with all the tragedy/emotional suffering i've endured?
4. I love food but can't break the connection between food and emotional suffering. Any ideas?
5. Why does my lack of self esteem stop me every time from following my dreams? Many famous writers have talked about an inner voice constantly nagging them to write, that when they get asked the question 'why do they write?' they reply with 'because i have to'.
I get the same urge, i've had it ever since i was at school ( remember the writing at night in my bed) but i can't get the feelings of worthlessness about of my system.
Thanks.
I've got several questions in fact si here goes:
1. Do you work in therapy/psychology? You mentioned helping people so i'm guessing based on your comments about my dad's behaviour.
2. How can i break the vicious cycle of feeling unloved/unwanted/abandonned by my dad and confort eating to bury the pain?
3. What can i do to overcome the feeling that life's given me raw deal with all the tragedy/emotional suffering i've endured?
4. I love food but can't break the connection between food and emotional suffering. Any ideas?
5. Why does my lack of self esteem stop me every time from following my dreams? Many famous writers have talked about an inner voice constantly nagging them to write, that when they get asked the question 'why do they write?' they reply with 'because i have to'.
I get the same urge, i've had it ever since i was at school ( remember the writing at night in my bed) but i can't get the feelings of worthlessness about of my system.
Thanks.
Edited by rosbif77 on Saturday 6th August 19:59
Steve Campbell said:
Wow, an emotional story. I have no similar experience to help, but just wanted to say the bit of the initial story that actually stood out for me was 12 years school teacher with 100% pass rate for students.
Wow. Amazing. Just think how many lives you have influenced in a positive way in those last 12 years alone !!
Worthless ? I don't think so.....
Good luck with your demons & I wish you all the best.
Thanks for the kind words. One of the reasons i chose to be a teacher is because i wanted to make a difference, to help those who nobody cared about, those who were seen as stupid or simply lacked self esteem. Wow. Amazing. Just think how many lives you have influenced in a positive way in those last 12 years alone !!
Worthless ? I don't think so.....
Good luck with your demons & I wish you all the best.
The most important skill i have as a teacher is to never give up on any of my students. No matter how bad the results i will never stop encouraging my students to keep trying and keep moving forward.
I frequently ended up arguing with heads of year at the school in Portsmouth where i taught because i refused to accept their view that a pupil was beyond help. The head of history gave me all the bottom groups and hated it when they progressed more than the kids in his easy classes!!!!
However, it didn't get me very far since i was routinely overlooked by the school heads. They preferred 'yes' men who spoke eloquently about making a difference and improving standards whilst always having the top sets to teach!!!!
I got fed up and decided to look elsewhere!!!
Edited by rosbif77 on Tuesday 9th August 14:36
alteredracer said:
I rarely post, but felt compelled to reply to this. I'm not a professional, but have studied several behaviour modification techniques as part of my own therapy to manage depression.
You've been through one heck of a lot in life and it's no wonder that it's taken it's toll on your physical and emotional health.
Until early this year, I struggled with feeling worthless for a long time. I've stood on that bridge too
The breakthrough for me came in the form of antidepressants and a sit down with someone who put things in a way that helped me to change my mindset. The most powerful words I've ever heard;
"You can't choose what happens to you in life, but you can choose how you let it affect your future. Everything you do from now on is your choice."
You have overcome so much, and what happens next is in your hands. I'm not telling you to 'toughen up' as that's the last thing you need to hear, but everything you do is a choice, whether conscious or not. You can choose not to emotionally eat, you can choose not to allow your Dad's words to hurt you. TBH, if I were in your shoes, I would questions if I wanted a relationship with him. If he wasn't a relative, would you choose to spend your time & energy on him? There is no law that says we have to put up with hurtful behaviour from people, just because people are biologically related to us.
In terms of your weight, you may feel unhappy with it, but it sounds like you're far from being 'fat'. To put it into perspective, I'm 5'7" and weigh the same as you. I'm also female. I don't consider myself to be fat (although medically, I am 'overweight') but I do a lot of powerlifting so am pretty broad
Believe it or not, yoga got rid of my gut, which wasn't caused by overeating, but was linked to depression. The stress hormone cortisol can cause weight to 'stick' around your middle, and no amount of exercise or healthy eating was shifting it. Yoga, practising mindfulness and learning slowly to give less of a sh.. about things has got rid of it with no change to my training/nutrition routine.
Anyway, I've waffled...but what I really wanted to say is it sounds like you've done a fantastic job in raising your kids, and as a teacher, you'll be influencing hundreds more in ways you might not realise. If what you want to do is write, then write. Follow your dreams. Be kind to yourself.
A big thankyou for posting this as it has made me take a long hard look at my life. I've been so used to taking emotional knocks which in turn led to emotional confort eating that it seened almost normal. No one close to me really bothered about how i might be feeling and those that did left me.You've been through one heck of a lot in life and it's no wonder that it's taken it's toll on your physical and emotional health.
Until early this year, I struggled with feeling worthless for a long time. I've stood on that bridge too
The breakthrough for me came in the form of antidepressants and a sit down with someone who put things in a way that helped me to change my mindset. The most powerful words I've ever heard;"You can't choose what happens to you in life, but you can choose how you let it affect your future. Everything you do from now on is your choice."
You have overcome so much, and what happens next is in your hands. I'm not telling you to 'toughen up' as that's the last thing you need to hear, but everything you do is a choice, whether conscious or not. You can choose not to emotionally eat, you can choose not to allow your Dad's words to hurt you. TBH, if I were in your shoes, I would questions if I wanted a relationship with him. If he wasn't a relative, would you choose to spend your time & energy on him? There is no law that says we have to put up with hurtful behaviour from people, just because people are biologically related to us.
In terms of your weight, you may feel unhappy with it, but it sounds like you're far from being 'fat'. To put it into perspective, I'm 5'7" and weigh the same as you. I'm also female. I don't consider myself to be fat (although medically, I am 'overweight') but I do a lot of powerlifting so am pretty broad
Believe it or not, yoga got rid of my gut, which wasn't caused by overeating, but was linked to depression. The stress hormone cortisol can cause weight to 'stick' around your middle, and no amount of exercise or healthy eating was shifting it. Yoga, practising mindfulness and learning slowly to give less of a sh.. about things has got rid of it with no change to my training/nutrition routine.
Anyway, I've waffled...but what I really wanted to say is it sounds like you've done a fantastic job in raising your kids, and as a teacher, you'll be influencing hundreds more in ways you might not realise. If what you want to do is write, then write. Follow your dreams. Be kind to yourself.
I think the quote you include basically sums up v.well what choices i have now. I want to start looking aftzr myself better and enjoy life more.
I'm approaching my half century next year and want to stop being afraid of the future and let go of the toxic memories holding me back.
A major cause of the current depression is afeeling that i haven't achieved anything in life, that i've never made any goals and kept to them, and that i feel physically trapped in the town full of memories of my married life. Having to travel every day past the house where my kids grew up in and where i lived with the ex, knowing that someone else is in that house now is very painful. Where ever i go locally i'm constantly reminded of my previous life. That is why i was so desperate to move back to England but i couldn't give up on my daughter.
Unfortunately under the terms of the divorce contract both parents must live within 10 minutes of each other!!!
Getting divorced is never easy especially when your an expat and you fighting your corner completely on your own.
I won't go into specifics on here but after a period of attrition sometimes it pays to put your own children's wishes first.
I actually get to see my children more than the ex (50/50 custody) since i do the school run (2h daily) with them.
I won't go into specifics on here but after a period of attrition sometimes it pays to put your own children's wishes first.
I actually get to see my children more than the ex (50/50 custody) since i do the school run (2h daily) with them.
ELUSIVEJIM said:
rosbif77 said:
Getting divorced is never easy especially when your an expat and you fighting your corner completely on your own.
I won't go into specifics on here but after a period of attrition sometimes it pays to put your own children's wishes first.
I actually get to see my children more than the ex (50/50 custody) since i do the school run (2h daily) with them.
Which is priceless time and a huge positive I won't go into specifics on here but after a period of attrition sometimes it pays to put your own children's wishes first.
I actually get to see my children more than the ex (50/50 custody) since i do the school run (2h daily) with them.
I then feel really down for the week ( or 2 during the long holidays) they're away, especially during the school holidays. I end up sleeping badly, snacking and having poor concentration. To counter this i try to 'fill up' the week with the maximum number of activities; cinema, gym, cycling, watching dvd box sets, walking in the forest etc but i still can't get rid off the nagging fear that one day i'm going to find myself on my own. It doesn't help that all these activities are local and therefore i get permanently reminded of the past.
My finances won't stretch to long weekends away or even visiting the multitude of art galleries/museums in Paris. During term time my days are filled with teaching/marking etc so i tend not to have the time to dwell on the loneliness.
I read somewhere that it takes anywhere from 18 months to 3 years to get over a divorce.
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