Mid Life Crisis Experiences
Discussion
I'm not sure whether this belongs here or in The Lounge (mods please feel free to move as appropriate).
Does anyone have experiences of having some sort of 'mid-life' style crisis ?
This is a new login as I'd rather keep this somewhat private but I think I'm going through some sort of episode at the moment, and don't really know how to deal with it.
Some background without giving too much away, I'm in my early 40's, single with a good job (which I don't enjoy) and no ties or financial difficulties. I changed jobs last year (somewhat forced to) and have ever liked my new job but have learned to tolerate it. Sunday nights are awful thinking about the work week ahead, the commute or being sent overseas to some pretty rubbish places (IMO) where I don't speak the language and don't enjoy being there (this is around 40% of the time now and not what I expected).
I've no idea where my life is going, and just can't see much point in it. Outside of work, my interests have dwindled in the past couple of years and my social life is pretty poor so not much going on there either. I go to the gym a bit (partly for something to do and to help keep increasing weight at bay and partly to get out the house)
I don't know what to do to get out of the rut or whether this is simply normal given my time of life.
Thinking about leaving work/retiring just to get out although this would require some financial sacrifices or I could possibly go contracting or take a much less well paid job locally in a different field but don't know what I'd do to fill the time void instead (but guess I'd find something).
Seems like I have little to look forward to, except not having to work when I can give up, but then what.
I've been pretty down of late trying to figure stuff out with no significant progress, but have some better days where I feel more positive but it doesn't take much for me to feel pretty glum tbh. I suspect in comparison to some my 'issues' seem quite trivial and I should just MTFU.
Any thoughts/similar experiences ?
Does anyone have experiences of having some sort of 'mid-life' style crisis ?
This is a new login as I'd rather keep this somewhat private but I think I'm going through some sort of episode at the moment, and don't really know how to deal with it.
Some background without giving too much away, I'm in my early 40's, single with a good job (which I don't enjoy) and no ties or financial difficulties. I changed jobs last year (somewhat forced to) and have ever liked my new job but have learned to tolerate it. Sunday nights are awful thinking about the work week ahead, the commute or being sent overseas to some pretty rubbish places (IMO) where I don't speak the language and don't enjoy being there (this is around 40% of the time now and not what I expected).
I've no idea where my life is going, and just can't see much point in it. Outside of work, my interests have dwindled in the past couple of years and my social life is pretty poor so not much going on there either. I go to the gym a bit (partly for something to do and to help keep increasing weight at bay and partly to get out the house)
I don't know what to do to get out of the rut or whether this is simply normal given my time of life.
Thinking about leaving work/retiring just to get out although this would require some financial sacrifices or I could possibly go contracting or take a much less well paid job locally in a different field but don't know what I'd do to fill the time void instead (but guess I'd find something).
Seems like I have little to look forward to, except not having to work when I can give up, but then what.
I've been pretty down of late trying to figure stuff out with no significant progress, but have some better days where I feel more positive but it doesn't take much for me to feel pretty glum tbh. I suspect in comparison to some my 'issues' seem quite trivial and I should just MTFU.
Any thoughts/similar experiences ?
castroses said:
Pick a continent (SEAsia would be my choice) and go travelling.
When you come back (If you do...) try contracting.
A s
tty job will suck the life right out of you.
Travelling doesn't appeal since I've done so much of it with my job and been to loads of places all over the world. In fact when I'm off I don't want to travel most of the time as I have to do it for work and it's taken the fun away.When you come back (If you do...) try contracting.
A s
tty job will suck the life right out of you. Not keen on going away on my own either, but also have nobody to go with. I've lived overseas before and chosen to come back. Wouldn't do it again permanently as like being where I am and close to my family.
All sounds like excuses and negativity I know, but it's how I feel.
kiethton said:
Tinder/Match/Grindr depending on preference?
Not always about dating but it would get you out meeting people/doing things of an evening. Also even if I have a busy week I always try and make sure that I leave the office on time at least one day a week - would keep you busy and hopefully sort out a travel buddy in time?
Dating just isn't for me. Have always been single and plan to keep it that way.Not always about dating but it would get you out meeting people/doing things of an evening. Also even if I have a busy week I always try and make sure that I leave the office on time at least one day a week - would keep you busy and hopefully sort out a travel buddy in time?
Leaving the office on time when I'm home isn't too much of an issue, in part as I get in so early to avoid the traffic which would drive me even more nuts than I am now ;-)
Fozziebear said:
I wouldn't say it's a mid life crisis, you haven't gone and bought a sports car and started shagging 20 year olds! Crap jobs suck the life out of you, it's their way of showing you it's time to leave. If you have a limited social circle it doesn't help, try getting out with some friends? My wife would say I'm having a midlife crisis now, I'm off next month overseas contracting again, its more boredom of normal life that does it to me.
Had the sports cars in the past, which for a couple of years was a big and enjoyable part of my social life. They've gone now as they hold less interest (I know I should hand in my PH card, but my daily driver still has 300hp even if it doesn't get used sat on the motorway).C0ffin D0dger said:
Derek Donkey said:
Dating just isn't for me. Have always been single and plan to keep it that way.
Leaving the office on time when I'm home isn't too much of an issue, in part as I get in so early to avoid the traffic which would drive me even more nuts than I am now ;-)
Don't you find the lack of sex somewhat frustrating or do you have other avenues for that side of things? Or do you just not like it / don't have the drive for it?Leaving the office on time when I'm home isn't too much of an issue, in part as I get in so early to avoid the traffic which would drive me even more nuts than I am now ;-)
Must admit in my early thirties I'd kind of resigned myself to being single for the rest of my life as I'd never had a lot of luck with the ladies. Then I met my wife to be and several years later have two kids which are my life now and a great on it is too though it does have its moments. I think things would feel pretty empty now without them, much like you are feeling.
Maybe get a pet if you really don't want to procreate. Couple of labradors / retrievers would be great companions and would force you to get out of the house of a weekend for long walks in the countryside hopefully ending at a nice pub for some ale and food.
But, yes I would very much describe my life as existing rather than living as I have little to look forward to other than stopping work at some point and then counting down the years.......I just don't know how to reboot my life!
Happy to meet new people (just not romantically) and if you met me you would most likely think I am an outgoing, gregarious and generally very happy person (nobody who knows me has any idea how I am really feeling as I'm very good at putting up a facade).
Never been interested in dating, never had any real sex drive, don't miss it.
I've never wanted children, and can't have them in any case, but have a couple of godchildren so I'm not adverse to them, just not for me.
Can't have any pets right now, due to work and being away, even the fish I had didn't cope so well with that, plus I'm (sadly) allergic to some pet hair and I see friends with dogs who are just so tied down with them.
I've also gone off drinking too
Can't cope with the hangovers and no longer enjoy it anywhere as much as I did 10 years ago. Now if I go out I will normally drive on purpose.I don't think there's a miracle cure here, nor do I expect there to be one, and I accept that any changes have to come from me, as they don't magically happen.
J4CKO said:
Dont knwo what you do already, but how about getting some hobbies like fitness ?
Gaming ?
Do some voluntary work ?
Get a car to renovate ?
Also, have you been checked out by a doctor, low libido can just be how some people are but can also be indicative of other things, but if you have never had it and dont miss it, also, doesnt mean that because you dont want to be at it all the time you cant have a partner ?
Fitness - go to the gym 3 times per week when I'm home - I'd go every day if I wasn't working. It doesn't excite me but I feel better for having done it.Gaming ?
Do some voluntary work ?
Get a car to renovate ?
Also, have you been checked out by a doctor, low libido can just be how some people are but can also be indicative of other things, but if you have never had it and dont miss it, also, doesnt mean that because you dont want to be at it all the time you cant have a partner ?
Gaming I've never been into hugely - I think I'm on the cusp of age where it became huge.
Volunteering - I was looking at doing more of that once retired to help occupy the time, not sure how much time I'd be able to commit regularly now with work travels.
Car renovation and me would not be good friends. I have absolutely no practical skills in fact I'd be more of a danger touching anything. there's no point in me trying to learn as I simply have no aptitude with anything practical, be it decorating, carpentry, electriciaining (sic), making anything - no idea why as my Dad can do it all!
Never been checked by a Dr - just something that has never bothered me. The thought of having a partner scares me tbh, even at my advancing age
Some good thoughts here and helpful too.
It's hard to sum up, but I think I'm inherently lazy, and have a bit of a laissez faire type attitude in some respects, which is odd given that I've been successful in my career to date - well successful enough that I could throw it all in if it becomes overwhelmingly dull.
I have had in a lot of people's eyes quite an enviable lifestyle, having travelled all over the world for work (and lived overseas for a few years too) from Australia to Alaska, South America, North America, all over Europe, parts of Asia. Sometimes my job required me to do about 90 mins work then sit on a beach in, say, Thailand for a day or two before going home (though that was of course not the norm but demonstrates how fortunate I have been in some respects).
The finding a partner thing just isn't going to happen - there are some other issues surrounding that which are not relevant to my current feelings, but I'd rather not go there.
I'm hopeful once I finish work (whether that's now or in a few years time) I'll want to go and see some new places again.
I don't read (I didn't even like that as a child strangely) and am not artistic - trying to learn the guitar and piano as a child was unsuccessful.
I just need to find something that I become passionate about and have things that I want to do and look forward to doing, rather than eat, sleep, work , repeat. It's probably that which worries me most - I've no idea what I'm doing in society, how I contribute, what I'll do when I stop work or what the future holds or if it's as dull as life seems (but probably isn't) now.
I should, and am for the most part, be hugely grateful that I live in Western Society with all the things that go with it and suffer no hardships of any kind like a huge proportion of people, just hard to see that sometimes.
It's hard to sum up, but I think I'm inherently lazy, and have a bit of a laissez faire type attitude in some respects, which is odd given that I've been successful in my career to date - well successful enough that I could throw it all in if it becomes overwhelmingly dull.
I have had in a lot of people's eyes quite an enviable lifestyle, having travelled all over the world for work (and lived overseas for a few years too) from Australia to Alaska, South America, North America, all over Europe, parts of Asia. Sometimes my job required me to do about 90 mins work then sit on a beach in, say, Thailand for a day or two before going home (though that was of course not the norm but demonstrates how fortunate I have been in some respects).
The finding a partner thing just isn't going to happen - there are some other issues surrounding that which are not relevant to my current feelings, but I'd rather not go there.
I'm hopeful once I finish work (whether that's now or in a few years time) I'll want to go and see some new places again.
I don't read (I didn't even like that as a child strangely) and am not artistic - trying to learn the guitar and piano as a child was unsuccessful.
I just need to find something that I become passionate about and have things that I want to do and look forward to doing, rather than eat, sleep, work , repeat. It's probably that which worries me most - I've no idea what I'm doing in society, how I contribute, what I'll do when I stop work or what the future holds or if it's as dull as life seems (but probably isn't) now.
I should, and am for the most part, be hugely grateful that I live in Western Society with all the things that go with it and suffer no hardships of any kind like a huge proportion of people, just hard to see that sometimes.
Thanks for sharing Eddie and toohuge, and great news that you've been able to work out what's wrong and are moving in the right direction, good luck!
I'm in 2 minds as to whether i should go and see my GP - I very rarely go (about once every 4/5 years at current rates) as there's nothing wrong with me, and I'm a man so we generally think we're tough enough to deal with anything, but clearly I don't think I am. It also seems like I'm admitting defeat and can't fix what's wrong by just snapping out of it. But I think if I carry on feeling this way then I need to see someone.
Last night wasn't amazing - I'm stuck this week in a middle of nowhere small town in Eastern Europe in a hotel with no facilities so more lonely than normal, which doesn't help..........last nights pre-occupation was with my own mortality. It scares the crap out of me (and always has ever since I can remember) that one day I won't be around - it's just something I can't get my head round and within seconds when I start to contemplate this, it gets me very upset.
I also threw up this morning before leaving for the office (this happened frequently in the first 2 months of my new job whether I was in the UK or not but I thought I'd got over it).
I'm in 2 minds as to whether i should go and see my GP - I very rarely go (about once every 4/5 years at current rates) as there's nothing wrong with me, and I'm a man so we generally think we're tough enough to deal with anything, but clearly I don't think I am. It also seems like I'm admitting defeat and can't fix what's wrong by just snapping out of it. But I think if I carry on feeling this way then I need to see someone.
Last night wasn't amazing - I'm stuck this week in a middle of nowhere small town in Eastern Europe in a hotel with no facilities so more lonely than normal, which doesn't help..........last nights pre-occupation was with my own mortality. It scares the crap out of me (and always has ever since I can remember) that one day I won't be around - it's just something I can't get my head round and within seconds when I start to contemplate this, it gets me very upset.
I also threw up this morning before leaving for the office (this happened frequently in the first 2 months of my new job whether I was in the UK or not but I thought I'd got over it).
Edited by Derek Donkey on Wednesday 28th September 09:23
There's nothing right now in my life that gets me excited or that I look forward to, other than not having to go to work at the weekends.
I don't enjoy a lot of the things I used to (fast/nice cars, trackdays, skiing, drinking with friends, weekends away/holidays) and I don't know why - I assumed it was just me becoming a miserable old git LOL.
I still have my (small) family close enough and talk to/see them very regularly - it's about the highlight of my week right now,
Only get out to eat/meet friends every couple of weeks now too.
I think I just have to bite the bullet, admit there's an issue and see someone, most likely the GP, but the thought of talking to them and opening up scares me (but I guess it would most people).
I don't enjoy a lot of the things I used to (fast/nice cars, trackdays, skiing, drinking with friends, weekends away/holidays) and I don't know why - I assumed it was just me becoming a miserable old git LOL.
I still have my (small) family close enough and talk to/see them very regularly - it's about the highlight of my week right now,
Only get out to eat/meet friends every couple of weeks now too.
I think I just have to bite the bullet, admit there's an issue and see someone, most likely the GP, but the thought of talking to them and opening up scares me (but I guess it would most people).
As stated above, I'm very much in the 'I'm a man I don't need help' category, or at least I was...........
I haven't been able to listen to the podcast yet - hotel Wi-Fi in Eastern Europe was not quite good enough - I will listen at the weekend when I'm home.
It could be that I'm depressed, have low testosterone or something else, so might be worth getting checked out for those.I have private medical with work so could use that.
I'm certainly not rich but due to my low level of outgoings as I've nothing much going on outside of work, I could carry on my existence based on other income alone, but not pay off my on mortgage quickly (one of my key goals but not sure why), nor follow through on buying the nice(r) car I have a deposit on in a couple of years etc.
Not suffering physically particularly - weight gain has happened (couple of stone) which I'm finding hard to shift, in part as I normally have a very poor diet and working away means there's even less choice that I like, Exercise is not shifting that either and I think it's bought on back pain (which I've never had before but start physio next week)
I'm not keen on taking medication unless there's a really good reason (I don't normally take painkillers even if in pain).
Can't call GP from here as it's a stupid 0845 number so have a couple of days to think about what I need to do......
I haven't been able to listen to the podcast yet - hotel Wi-Fi in Eastern Europe was not quite good enough - I will listen at the weekend when I'm home.
It could be that I'm depressed, have low testosterone or something else, so might be worth getting checked out for those.I have private medical with work so could use that.
I'm certainly not rich but due to my low level of outgoings as I've nothing much going on outside of work, I could carry on my existence based on other income alone, but not pay off my on mortgage quickly (one of my key goals but not sure why), nor follow through on buying the nice(r) car I have a deposit on in a couple of years etc.
Not suffering physically particularly - weight gain has happened (couple of stone) which I'm finding hard to shift, in part as I normally have a very poor diet and working away means there's even less choice that I like, Exercise is not shifting that either and I think it's bought on back pain (which I've never had before but start physio next week)
I'm not keen on taking medication unless there's a really good reason (I don't normally take painkillers even if in pain).
Can't call GP from here as it's a stupid 0845 number so have a couple of days to think about what I need to do......
That is part of the problem - mid-week nothing going on other than a couple of classes at the gym and a meal with my parents, then home. bed early to get up for the commute, rinse and repeat.
Weekends not filled with anything meaningful and start dreading work come Sunday lunchtime, or worse still have to start travelling at weekends.
I won't extend any of my trips as they're all longer than I like (or was sold as part of the recruitment process) and to some dismal places too.
I'm back in the office next week so planning to speak to my GP (can't make an appointment without a phone consultation first!)
Weekends not filled with anything meaningful and start dreading work come Sunday lunchtime, or worse still have to start travelling at weekends.
I won't extend any of my trips as they're all longer than I like (or was sold as part of the recruitment process) and to some dismal places too.
I'm back in the office next week so planning to speak to my GP (can't make an appointment without a phone consultation first!)
The job I think is a significant factor and the catalyst for my current mood, so I need to either suck it up and get used to it (I thought I had) or find something else, or take some time off.
At least it's Friday, and I should get home by 7 tonight (flights permitting - please don't be late Easyjet!) and can relax for the weekend.
At least it's Friday, and I should get home by 7 tonight (flights permitting - please don't be late Easyjet!) and can relax for the weekend.
Trying out new things would be good if I wasn't working, I just have no idea what I'd enjoy, but know it wouldn't be anything remotely practical as I'm useless at that.
I can't run as I have knees which seem not to like running any longer so do other exercise at the gym now.
Part of being away so much has meant I've put on weight and have back problems now too.
Having now been home for 5 days I feel more positive than last week and actually wen t out one night at the weekend, but know when I get sent away again to middle of nowhere in 10 days I feel awful.
I've started contacting recruiters now as it'll take months to find another suitable role.........
I can't run as I have knees which seem not to like running any longer so do other exercise at the gym now.
Part of being away so much has meant I've put on weight and have back problems now too.
Having now been home for 5 days I feel more positive than last week and actually wen t out one night at the weekend, but know when I get sent away again to middle of nowhere in 10 days I feel awful.
I've started contacting recruiters now as it'll take months to find another suitable role.........
To answer a couple of the questions.
I'm an Accountant, but in a specific field which has me travelling too much (don't want to say exactly what it is as people might recognise me!). Travel plans can't be changed (it's complicated and has got very penny pinching of late which really doesn't help and is having a small detrimental health effect).
I am now actively looking for a new roie or even a part-time role. One has come up this week that whilst with the same level of travel, is in a field I worked in for 10+ years and would actually be quite excited to get back in to, plus it would not be travelling alone and the locations would be significantly better too.
I don't think I want to give up work altogether, but it's comforting to know I can should things get too much, it would just require a bit of lifestyle adjustment, so I'm looking for a change. I can't get out of what I'm doing quickly and once I get this quarter out the way things should improve a little.
New friends is also true both in and out of work, of the people I work with, I only care about one of them and the rest are not exactly a friendly bunch so even when I'm in the office there's not a lot of chat, plus I live 25+ miles from the office so would never socialise with them due to distance.
Another weekend though, so that's positive!
I'm an Accountant, but in a specific field which has me travelling too much (don't want to say exactly what it is as people might recognise me!). Travel plans can't be changed (it's complicated and has got very penny pinching of late which really doesn't help and is having a small detrimental health effect).
I am now actively looking for a new roie or even a part-time role. One has come up this week that whilst with the same level of travel, is in a field I worked in for 10+ years and would actually be quite excited to get back in to, plus it would not be travelling alone and the locations would be significantly better too.
I don't think I want to give up work altogether, but it's comforting to know I can should things get too much, it would just require a bit of lifestyle adjustment, so I'm looking for a change. I can't get out of what I'm doing quickly and once I get this quarter out the way things should improve a little.
New friends is also true both in and out of work, of the people I work with, I only care about one of them and the rest are not exactly a friendly bunch so even when I'm in the office there's not a lot of chat, plus I live 25+ miles from the office so would never socialise with them due to distance.
Another weekend though, so that's positive!
I've got no interest in dating anyone, never have, can't see that I ever will tbh, so that's not a solution to my issues I don't think......
The job is, so I'm going to try and do something about that but expect it will take 6-12 months to find something suitable and I don't just want to leave with nothing to go to or nothing to fill the void of working, so need to find something in the same field or explore something I think I'll like, even if it is for a significantly lower salary and take it from there.
I feel much happier having been at home for a week now but am already dreading having to go away again next week.....
The job is, so I'm going to try and do something about that but expect it will take 6-12 months to find something suitable and I don't just want to leave with nothing to go to or nothing to fill the void of working, so need to find something in the same field or explore something I think I'll like, even if it is for a significantly lower salary and take it from there.
I feel much happier having been at home for a week now but am already dreading having to go away again next week.....
Not sure I just want to walk out of my current job, as my upbringing has taught never to leave a job without another to go to, and even if I decided to go and work in a supermarket I'd still need to apply.
I have no idea what I'd do, apart from my current line of work, so I think it would take time to find something else that I'd be interested in and in the meantime I'm looking for a better job (from my perspective) or even part-time doing what I do now.
All the time I'm working I'm more financially secure so that when I stop working or take a cut then I'm in a better position. Unfortunately, I couldn't leave immediately as I'm in no doubt my company would hold me to the majority of my 6 month notice period anyway.
At the gym I do classes rather than weights, and am the wrong age and wrong type of person to get into bodybuilding.
My diet is poor at the best of times and worse when away but it's not something I can change as I'm too fussy.
I also still think I should be far more grateful for the life I have, given it's better than so many others all over the world...
I have no idea what I'd do, apart from my current line of work, so I think it would take time to find something else that I'd be interested in and in the meantime I'm looking for a better job (from my perspective) or even part-time doing what I do now.
All the time I'm working I'm more financially secure so that when I stop working or take a cut then I'm in a better position. Unfortunately, I couldn't leave immediately as I'm in no doubt my company would hold me to the majority of my 6 month notice period anyway.
At the gym I do classes rather than weights, and am the wrong age and wrong type of person to get into bodybuilding.
My diet is poor at the best of times and worse when away but it's not something I can change as I'm too fussy.
I also still think I should be far more grateful for the life I have, given it's better than so many others all over the world...
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