Ex wants to stay friends - plea for advice
Discussion
Here's something rather challenging for the collective wisdom of PH. I wanted to add a vote but don't know how to. The choice is simple...
(a) Play along
(b) Bin it
OK, here's the K.I.S.S. principle version.
The ex and I knew each other as teenagers, cue 'Friends Reunited'. She came over from the US, where she lived one thing led to another. I proposed and she binned her then husband. She came to live with me.
We married in 2004 (Gretna).
My ailing Mum got in financial trouble so we sold up and moved to theWest side of the Pennines. Mum bought us a house and a flat for herself. She passed away in 2010.
Ex was/is alcohol dependent.
We got by for ten years, running Mum's flat as a holiday let and living on the proceeds.
The marriage crumbled and I began proceedings in 2014 - ex lit out in the September.
Cue 27-month divorce battle, mostly about property/money.
Outcome: I retained the house, she got the flat and there was a big settlement, which has just been paid.The house is worth double the flat.
I was instructed by the judge to sign up (for six months) to help her run the flat as a business.
Now, I've been reorganising the business and even been helping with little jobs on the premises where she's lived with her daughter since the separation.
Now, she wants to be 'friends' but I'm in two minds. There have been a lot of phone conversations and we've been to see one film together.
Here's the 'but' and it's a biggy.
After leaving, she went on the dating sites andclaims she's had 20 blokes after her.
She slept with one local bloke who turned out to be a loon - she's got rid. I got all the gory details as I helped pick up the pieces.
She now has a 'friend with benefits' who she's shagging and has two more blokes in tow, one local, one 100 miles away.
Now, call me soft, call me an idiot, call me what you like but here are the truths...
I don't now know what to do. The still has to be a connexion as per judge's rules, until March. That said, it turned out she can't now rent the flat out as holiday accommodation - it breaks the lease. She'll be letting it as a dwelling for six-month slots.
This seems to me to be a self-preservation thing. I don't hate her as such. I've no desire for 'secondhand goods' anyway.
Bottom line, what would you do ?
Thanks for reading.
(a) Play along
(b) Bin it
OK, here's the K.I.S.S. principle version.
The ex and I knew each other as teenagers, cue 'Friends Reunited'. She came over from the US, where she lived one thing led to another. I proposed and she binned her then husband. She came to live with me.
We married in 2004 (Gretna).
My ailing Mum got in financial trouble so we sold up and moved to theWest side of the Pennines. Mum bought us a house and a flat for herself. She passed away in 2010.
Ex was/is alcohol dependent.
We got by for ten years, running Mum's flat as a holiday let and living on the proceeds.
The marriage crumbled and I began proceedings in 2014 - ex lit out in the September.
Cue 27-month divorce battle, mostly about property/money.
Outcome: I retained the house, she got the flat and there was a big settlement, which has just been paid.The house is worth double the flat.
I was instructed by the judge to sign up (for six months) to help her run the flat as a business.
Now, I've been reorganising the business and even been helping with little jobs on the premises where she's lived with her daughter since the separation.
Now, she wants to be 'friends' but I'm in two minds. There have been a lot of phone conversations and we've been to see one film together.
Here's the 'but' and it's a biggy.
After leaving, she went on the dating sites andclaims she's had 20 blokes after her.
She slept with one local bloke who turned out to be a loon - she's got rid. I got all the gory details as I helped pick up the pieces.
She now has a 'friend with benefits' who she's shagging and has two more blokes in tow, one local, one 100 miles away.
Now, call me soft, call me an idiot, call me what you like but here are the truths...
- Chatting, meeting and going to her place is pleasant. The drunken abuse has stopped completely...best behaviour.
- The divorce and facing losing the house was a massively unpleasant, stressful undertaking. It made me ill and I'm slowly recovering..
- Being told about her new sex life - even in some detail - is hurtful to me, it undermines such pleasant memories as I have of our time together. I've eventried putting a rule in place, as in, "Too much information, I don't want to know." She keeps 'forgetting'.
I don't now know what to do. The still has to be a connexion as per judge's rules, until March. That said, it turned out she can't now rent the flat out as holiday accommodation - it breaks the lease. She'll be letting it as a dwelling for six-month slots.
This seems to me to be a self-preservation thing. I don't hate her as such. I've no desire for 'secondhand goods' anyway.
Bottom line, what would you do ?
Thanks for reading.
Thanks to you all, I knew I could rely on you,
I had a feeling the opinions would be practically unanimous. So I went through them carefully, reading, marking, learning and inwardly digesting, before pulling out a few pearls of wisdom...
You've got FBS - Full Bag Syndrome
So very true
'Head down 'til March (as per the court's instruction) then break all contact completely and get her the hell out of your life mate.'
'Listen very carefully. Be civil, but do not be friends. Not at all.It's over. Move on'
Wise words here.
I admit that I found the judge's instruction rather strange. I'd sown the seed of the idea myself - I wanted her to take the flat while I kept the house. I wanted to underline that it was a nice little earner that, with my help, would support her. Nobody could have predicted the holiday letting ban, which came into force only hours after the divorce. Did I feel schadenfreude? What do you think?
Meanwhile, the building of my new life continues. Having gained the necessary planning permission, I'll be letting out the ground floor of the house to holidaymakers. I've bought a double bed and a sofa bed, and a new TV/DVD ready to add Sky Q. I hope to have it all ready by Christmas.
I went over to hers this afternoon as arranged, to pick up some bits for my new business. She knows full well that March will spell the end of my input but I took the opportunity to restate my rule. I don't want to know anything at all about her 'friend with benefits' or the new bloke. So it's one word - and the phone goes down and the help stops.
This brought the news that she's dumped the distant bloke - again.
The plan, therefore is to fulfil my legal obligation with civility. I think she'll twig that permanent letting of the flat will bring in much less than holiday letting, especially when the costs are deducted. I think she'll sell up and probably p
s off back to the the States, from whence she came.
And will there be someone for me, the nice feller? Time will tell but I've seen enough of/about dating sites to know that I doubt they're for me.
I had a feeling the opinions would be practically unanimous. So I went through them carefully, reading, marking, learning and inwardly digesting, before pulling out a few pearls of wisdom...
You've got FBS - Full Bag Syndrome
So very true 'Head down 'til March (as per the court's instruction) then break all contact completely and get her the hell out of your life mate.'
'Listen very carefully. Be civil, but do not be friends. Not at all.It's over. Move on'
Wise words here.
I admit that I found the judge's instruction rather strange. I'd sown the seed of the idea myself - I wanted her to take the flat while I kept the house. I wanted to underline that it was a nice little earner that, with my help, would support her. Nobody could have predicted the holiday letting ban, which came into force only hours after the divorce. Did I feel schadenfreude? What do you think?
Meanwhile, the building of my new life continues. Having gained the necessary planning permission, I'll be letting out the ground floor of the house to holidaymakers. I've bought a double bed and a sofa bed, and a new TV/DVD ready to add Sky Q. I hope to have it all ready by Christmas.
I went over to hers this afternoon as arranged, to pick up some bits for my new business. She knows full well that March will spell the end of my input but I took the opportunity to restate my rule. I don't want to know anything at all about her 'friend with benefits' or the new bloke. So it's one word - and the phone goes down and the help stops.
This brought the news that she's dumped the distant bloke - again.
The plan, therefore is to fulfil my legal obligation with civility. I think she'll twig that permanent letting of the flat will bring in much less than holiday letting, especially when the costs are deducted. I think she'll sell up and probably p
s off back to the the States, from whence she came. And will there be someone for me, the nice feller? Time will tell but I've seen enough of/about dating sites to know that I doubt they're for me.
Tonsko said:
Buy the flat back for a risible price.
Well, It won't be much use with the holiday let ban.Moreover, it's a studio flat that's a squeeze for two adults. It cost £97,000 in 2006 and was valued (RICS valuer) at £110,000 in 2015. It won't sell for anything like that, especially as the maintenance/insurance cost is £100 a month. It's a bit of a pup.
andy-xr said:
There's rarely a true friendship that comes from two exes staying in contact in my experience. Usually the one that breaks off the relationship suggests it to somehow soften the blow to the other, or the one that's been broken up with asks for it as a way to cling to some hope, but one side fully intends on moving on with their life
It's not easy feeling that you're having your nose rubbed in it though. The best way really is to completely detach from it. If you cant do that, then you probably need to work out what you still need to be in touch about, and keep it to just that.
There's a risk of falling into a way of thinking that's vengeful. 'Then she'll see!!' or 'hope she rots in it' type thoughts are fairly natural but completely pointless in dealing with it.
As it letting your dick do the thinking. That needs to just do the pissing for a bit, let your head make sense of it and your heart fix itself up.
Keep it as business/professional as you can, you've got a new life to find your way in and the ex wife probably isnt going to help you get a firm footing if she's still dangling the power of the pussy around you
The situation is a right old can of worms but I'm determined to make the best/most of it. I owe that to myself. It's not easy feeling that you're having your nose rubbed in it though. The best way really is to completely detach from it. If you cant do that, then you probably need to work out what you still need to be in touch about, and keep it to just that.
There's a risk of falling into a way of thinking that's vengeful. 'Then she'll see!!' or 'hope she rots in it' type thoughts are fairly natural but completely pointless in dealing with it.
As it letting your dick do the thinking. That needs to just do the pissing for a bit, let your head make sense of it and your heart fix itself up.
Keep it as business/professional as you can, you've got a new life to find your way in and the ex wife probably isnt going to help you get a firm footing if she's still dangling the power of the pussy around you
Today, I've helped her talk herself out of a £120 bill sent by a pushy letting agent - for putting together a marketing package she didn't ask for. I've also been organising the transfer of landlord's insurance from me to her.
The latest is that tomorrow evening's meet-up for dinner has been cancelled. I've been blown out so she can go to a Romanian wedding party with the 'friend with benefits'. No prizes for guessing what'll be going on tomorrow night.
It turns out she hasn't dumped the distant boyfriend as she claimed - he won't take p
s off for an answer. She was also complaining that the new local bloke is beginning to sidle up close. Well, she's 62, dresses like a 25-year old (remarkably young figure) and is often influenced by booze. My conclusion is that I'm being used and this won't be continuing, certainly not beyond the confines of the consent order (ie 'til next March). What I can expect to get is some things from the old letting business to use in my new one.
Before me? Fair enough? After me? No ta!
She was even trying to blag a 100-mile each way lift to see the distant suitor, who lives in my best mate's vicinity. No chance, naturally but that's what she is.
The plan, then, is to plough on, start the new business and make a happy life. Best laid and all that but we'll see.
hyphen said:
Would I be correct in saying that whilst you don't actually want her anymore, you fear that your future lovers may not physically be as attractive or as fun in the bedroom as this one?
These are frames of reference that have been been seriously undermined by the passing of time, given that the nookie stopped dead in mid-2014. I was made to sleep downstairs then as she'd decided I was about to physically attack her- alcohol-induced paranoia. I've had other lovers in the past but never one that used sex as a bargaining chip or as a means of applying mental pain.
Mature reflection verifies that bedroom fun isn't so much fun when it carries penalties. Equally, the degree of attractivenes diminishes with the type of terms and conditions applied.
Edited by lurky on Wednesday 2nd November 00:57
Edited by lurky on Wednesday 2nd November 14:34
Paddy_N_Murphy said:
Intrigued to see though how whenever anyone gives a 'proper' answer, you grasp it OP.
Well, I brought to PH a situation unprecedented in my experience and being emotionally one of the walking wounded, I sought advice and support. The reponses have been great - a mixture of the funny and the intelligently put forward. For my part, I've done nothing more than tell the truth and the 'proper' responses have been enlightening. Some have helped me admit some stuff to myself. I know she's using me and to an extent, I'm allowing this to happen. Why? I'm not sure. It could be for old times' sake but it's more likely that I'm reinforcing my usefulness as a 'fixer'.
The irony is that I've little thirst for revenge. I wanted to be 'fair' (a watchword of mine) to her,I have been. Even if I elected not to help any more, she couldn't afford to take me back to court for breaking the consent order.
IMHO, the crux of the matter is that my input will cease next March. I can continue as is until then and I reckon she'll probably have sunk without trace and/or sold up and disappeared by then.
It's time for an update, with grateful thanks all round for your collective and individual sage advice.
I've been busy prepping the house to holiday let the ground floor. It's coming along but I have to wait for the council to extractus digitatus. Planning permission is necessary - the house will be considered as two dwellings, with me living over the shop, as it were.
As for her ladyship, she's yet to let the other flat, no takers so far. It turns out that she's spent half her lump sum on legal fees. The 20/20 vision of hindsight has naturally revealed that it would've been better to go for the two years' separation thing. Then again, a fight is a fight.
With her, the drinking continues but so does the best behaviour. Having laid out the boundaries very clearly (ie not a word to me about boyfriend events), I've come up with a good solution. The thing is, we'd known one another in our late teens and then were together for over 12 years. It seemed a shame to just cut loose, especially as some good could come from staying in touch. So, I came up with this...
Mutualism is an offshoot of a symbiotic relationship, and it's an agreed status with no formal ties. One participant helps the other and vice versa and, with the ground rules carefully laid out it's completely workable.
In this instance, I help her with her new flat and she helps with my new business arrangements. For example, I've done a few little household jobs and the associated errands. In return, she's helping with ideas on setting up my new holiday let and how to run the housekeeping side.
In addition, I've helped her get rid of two nasty bfs who were hassling her. We've seen a couple of films together and I'll occasionally nip round for a meal.
It's working well so far and if she gets stroppy, all I need to do is walk. It's really quite civilised and keeps conflict to a minimum.
I've been busy prepping the house to holiday let the ground floor. It's coming along but I have to wait for the council to extractus digitatus. Planning permission is necessary - the house will be considered as two dwellings, with me living over the shop, as it were.
As for her ladyship, she's yet to let the other flat, no takers so far. It turns out that she's spent half her lump sum on legal fees. The 20/20 vision of hindsight has naturally revealed that it would've been better to go for the two years' separation thing. Then again, a fight is a fight.
With her, the drinking continues but so does the best behaviour. Having laid out the boundaries very clearly (ie not a word to me about boyfriend events), I've come up with a good solution. The thing is, we'd known one another in our late teens and then were together for over 12 years. It seemed a shame to just cut loose, especially as some good could come from staying in touch. So, I came up with this...
Mutualism is an offshoot of a symbiotic relationship, and it's an agreed status with no formal ties. One participant helps the other and vice versa and, with the ground rules carefully laid out it's completely workable.
In this instance, I help her with her new flat and she helps with my new business arrangements. For example, I've done a few little household jobs and the associated errands. In return, she's helping with ideas on setting up my new holiday let and how to run the housekeeping side.
In addition, I've helped her get rid of two nasty bfs who were hassling her. We've seen a couple of films together and I'll occasionally nip round for a meal.
It's working well so far and if she gets stroppy, all I need to do is walk. It's really quite civilised and keeps conflict to a minimum.
Du1point8 said:
Whats to lose?
Dignity, sanity, the rest of your money, allegations of X/Y/Z if you move on with someone else, She will want sympathy/shoulder to cry on etc...
Nope nope nope
I must admit I was moved to wonder what's left that she could do to me. When she signed the consent order, she signed away any claim to current or future monies (note to self, win lottery jackpot) and any interest in the house. Dignity, sanity, the rest of your money, allegations of X/Y/Z if you move on with someone else, She will want sympathy/shoulder to cry on etc...
Nope nope nope
Allegations of X/Y/Z/? I think I've had them all already. Sympathy? This and the crying shoulder may well be withdrawn.
SpeckledJim said:
OP now suspected of being a bit of a wally.
Latest: OP confirmed out of it.You're all quite right of course and your input has finally dislodged the scales from my eyes.
I simply concluded that the treatment I'm receiving would never come from a friend.
In short, I won't be a free gopher/plumber/electrician/handyman any more.
Her 'friend with benefits' (they'll be shagging tonight ) can take on this role if he's so f
king wonderful.No contact? She's started that bit!
And on that bombshell...
Thanks, chaps.
Edited by lurky on Thursday 17th November 18:18
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