Confused about an ex-girlfriend

[Petrolhead95]

I have no idea why I'm posting on here... I guess it's because I have no idea what's going on.

Long story short me and my ex-girlfriend broke up about a week ago because I was having a tough time and took it out on her; lots of arguing, anger and being vacant. She knows I regret it massively but she said she wanted a "break" to work out what she wants as she is really confused. She gave me another chance but I managed to mess that up too so now we're officially broken up and she keeps saying "for now" - what the hell does that mean?

She messages me every chance she gets, calls me, texts me, invites me over to hers as soon as she leaves work, wants me to stay the night. Still affectionate etc, but just wants to be friends for now. Is this a chance to prove myself that things can go back to normal or just an easier way out for her? We're not just friends, but we're not dating either.

Can someone shed some light?!

[Petrolhead95]

That's the problem - I have no idea what's going on and it's driving me into craziness. Sunday night she was telling me how she still cares for me ridiculous amounts - her words - while cuddling up to me. She said the past two months felt like to her that I don't love her anymore, all the romance etc just wasn't there on my part. I'm no expert at this but I guess I've hurt her quite badly although she would never admit that.

I guess the best move for me now would be to just take it slow, play it cool? If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't sort of thing.

[Petrolhead95]

Thanks for the replies.

She asked for some space and she will come to me when she's ready so I need to give it a couple of weeks yet before trying to rekindle something. Would I be right in assuming that if she wanted me out of her life she certainly wouldn't be saying/doing any of this at all?

I know I'm only young but I really, really don't want to mess this up.

[Petrolhead95]

Zod said:

This is an easy case. She wants you to apologise sincerely and tell her that you love her. She won't tell you that, but it's what she wants. If you want her, then do that. If you don't, move on.

Can't see it being that easy. The other night I apologised time after time after time, kept asking if there was any way she could give me another chance - she said no but she said she doesn't know what will happen in the future. Saying that, at that point we weren't getting on that well, but after all that saying sorry I stayed the night.

[Petrolhead95]

jakesmith said:

Are you banging when you stay over I presume?

The way I see it is you make a few grand gestures like a really expensive dinner out & see what happens, but avoid talking about 'are we together' as that will force her hand at a time when she thinks she is pulling the strings. If you impress her when she has one foot in one foot out, she can slip back in without losing any face. If you keep talking about it you risk pressuring her & making it easy for her to leave.

Yes. A friends with benefits type thing we have agreed to in which she had a set of rules like no feelings, cuddling, kissing, sleeping over of which she broke all of in the first night - a good sign, right?

amancalledrob said:

With that third chance talk you're asking her to give you something. You should be asking what you can give her. I don't know what you're going through so please don't take this as judgmental but you messed up, you got a second chance and that was messed up too. It hurts when you give someone that extra chance and they blow it.

I think she probably feels like she's been a bit of a mug, whether that's true or not. It's not an easy or quick problem for you to solve, and if she's saying she feels unappreciated then you need to ask how long it's taken for her to speak up about it - these feelings could have been there under the surface for some time. You need to find a way to make her feel both loved and appreciated and as said above it's got to come from you, not from us lot. Good luck

That's the thing; I have no idea how to make her feel loved again. All I can do is to try and do everything that I did the first time around when we met. But then do I make any moves on her to show that I love her or do I stay away from that to respect boundaries. It's so confusing!

[Petrolhead95]

hyphen said:

hyphen said:

Petrolhead95 said:

I have no idea why I'm posting on here... I guess it's because I have no idea what's going on.

Long story short me and my ex-girlfriend broke up about a week ago because I was having a tough time and took it out on her; lots of arguing, anger and being vacant. She knows I regret it massively but she said she wanted a "break" to work out what she wants as she is really confused. She gave me another chance but I managed to mess that up too so now we're officially broken up and she keeps saying "for now" - what the hell does that mean?

What issues are you having, how can you show her 'beyond reasonable doubt' that you will overcome them,

Still waiting for an answer to this.

Health issues that I'd rather not go into, but I'm getting better now so hopefully that will show her that things will improve.

[Petrolhead95]

She has been nothing but supportive of me the whole time, even when I was in hospital. Made the mistake of asking if she wanted to grab something to eat on Sunday to which she replied "We're not dating at the moment". Good or bad response?

[Petrolhead95]

Yeah, as much as I hate to say it, it's done. Going to go and bury my head in the sand for a while...

[Petrolhead95]

hyphen said:

If it were me. I would be questioning if I was being too 'nice' and so easy friends zone material. I would start keeping myself busy; going out with other mates more, hitting the gym etc. I wouldn't be available for her all the time/immediately reply to her texts. Essentially start to be more independent and treat her like the 'booty call' she wants to be.

Depending on how she reacts, you will soon find out if she wants you back. Last thing you want to do is be a puppy at her beck and call as it isn't attractive.

As always, know little beyond what you have said, so if it goes wrong never mind

I already know I am. As much as I want to try and make things up to her I've spent all my wages on buying dinner for us when I'm over hers, buying her clothes, filling up her car, making her dinner, cleaning her room, helping her get ready for work. I feel like a pathetic tool that's being used as a slave in return for the faint glimmer of hope that things will go back to normal. I've somehow spent over £300 in the past 5 days on her.

I think me putting some space between us while still being a friend is best. More hours at work, get back into running. Stop being available to her instantly when she wants me to be. I guess I'll find out how much she wants/needs me after that.

She's not a bad person by any means. I've just hurt her a lot and she's getting some revenge - I can understand that.

[Petrolhead95]

Hainey said:

Yeah, alright then. You've nailed yourself to the cross enough.

Go spend your next £300 on a night out involving ladies whose clothes fall off for £20 and then watch your perspective reset itself.

I think I need to keep myself to myself for a while. I haven't given up on this 100% yet, just for now.

[Petrolhead95]

Rh14n said:

As one of the few females on this site I would say that she clearly still has very strong feelings for you and although you've hurt her she can't bring herself to end it with you and is hanging on in the hope that you can show that you've learnt from your mistakes. The nonsense spoken about hanging on to branches is just demeaning to the girl and unlikely. She really wants it to work out with you.

The one thing that concerns me is that you say that you "took it out on her". If you were violent towards her then I seriously say that you need to walk away and seek help. Keep away from her. Good luck.

Thanks for the response. I'd like to make one thing clear - I would NEVER raise a hand to a female no matter what they've done. Ever. I've done wrong and I'm man enough to admit that but it never went that far. I don't think I've actually raised my voice to her. I took it out on her by just being hard to live with.

I'm certain if she didn't want me in my life she would tell me. Also if she has no interest in trying again once things have calmed down she wouldn't keep saying stuff like "Not right now". I'm also guessing from a woman's perspective, spending every spare second with me and talking to me, asking me to stay over, telling me that I need to message her more throughout the day, being affectionate to an extent isn't someone looking for a way out?

[Petrolhead95]

amancalledrob said:

I'm inclined to agree but at the same time it's not very fair on you. You know you've behaved badly and you've apologised for it. You've suffered while you were ill and now you appear to be suffering because you were unhappy about being ill and didn't know how to deal with it.

Advice given by people outside your relationship is never going to be perfect, especially when it comes from strangers on the internet, but it could be time to start thinking about where you see the both of you in say ten years' time. It's easy to believe, at the age of 21, that this is the most important relationship you'll ever have but if you made a clean break of it you may find you're ten times as happy with someone new a year from now

I see it as punishment for my behavior and that it's to be expected/deserved.

I've thought about the future and I've never really clicked with someone like I have with her. Not just relationship stuff, but over the past 4 months we've spent almost every day and night together and we've not once got bored of each other which is quite hard to do when you're our age. Our hobbies and interests are all the same, we get on with each other's families etc etc. We both know that no matter what this outcome is that we will always be very close.

[Petrolhead95]

Hainey said:

Friend, you don't punish people you love. You try and help them. I have been the hurt party before and my instinct wasn't to punish her, but to help her and I'm glad I did.

Maybe look at the situation with that in mind.

But maybe that's just how I view it. I can see it from her side as she's trying to make me realise my mistakes without her having to point them out while getting a bit of own back. She's not malicious towards me. She's still helping me out, making sure I take my meds on time, eat properly etc.

[Petrolhead95]

Hainey said:

Only you can determine the situation and how you want it to progress. I wish you luck I really do as I relate having been a difficult and troubled person to be with in the past so I can see how it plays from both sides. When I was diagnosed with PTSD I didn't believe the diagnosis and thought I was perfectly normal. I wasn't, I was as mad as a badger on acid but no one could convince me of that and yet she stuck by me.

I hope you work this through.

Thanks for the responses, I have a bit more clarity now. Surprising how talking to strangers on forums can make you feel better!

[Petrolhead95]

Had another argument; decided to have a week without contact to see if that helps. After that, another week. After that, I'm out of ideas.

[Petrolhead95]

I don't give up that easy. If two people want it, it will work. It just needs time and space, even if that is a matter of months.

[Petrolhead95]

What about the whole friends with benefits thing? Can that carry on?

[Petrolhead95]

Hainey said:

At £300 quid a week? What films do I search for with her in on YouPorn then because she must be pro standard (hello Theresa May and all the team at GCHQ )

Haha! Well I got an early night and woke up to a goodnight message she sent last night. Already broke her no contact rule.

[Petrolhead95]

hyphen said:

Does she have lots of mates, popular, go out a lot, is she the strong and confident type or insecure, happy childhood, was single a long time before she met you or lots of relationships, phone always beeping with messages from other friends and so on?

i.e is she lonely and using you or genuinely in two minds about you.

Also how old is she? As you talk as if she has her own place rather than living at parents/house share.

Edited by hyphen on Thursday 1st December 08:42

She has more friends than I can count. Each day without fail guys messaging her asking to go out etc but never takes them up on it because she doesn't feel the need for it. Prior to me was single for almost 2 years, no dates, nothing. Definitely not lonely. She's 18 - I know, still really young.

[Petrolhead95]

Unfortunately I've already done all of her Christmas shopping.