Family member with mental health problems
Discussion
Sorry this is a bit of a rant/agony aunt style post but I don't really know what else to do. I've been to the doctors today to ask if there is any support available but they were useless.
I find with a member of my family im really struggling to have my own life, and over the last week, even get time to eat or go to work due to them suffering mental health issues. My relationship is suffering after one ending in no small part due to this family member, and if I don't help them when they're having a bad few days/weeks and leave them to it they just get worse and nastier towards me.
I am somehow expected to work 11 hour night shifts to pay my own bills, squeeze in my own cleaning, washing etc and try and find some spare time to see my GF, and also walk my mums dog for her, take her to appointments for illnesses she's made up for attention, sleep round there in the spare room even though I struggle sleeping during the day anyway (nights), do loads of other running around, barely have time to eat etc. Even though I'm
Convinced she's okay, has her own money and a car to look after herself.
Then the worst bit, nothing is ever enough. I'm being spoken to so appallingly and having so much demanded of me, when I retaliate im the worst person in the world even though I've been saying nothing for days and keeping quiet, just trying to help out however much I can. I don't have the time and energy any more. I want a normal life, I want to dedicate more time to work, I want to spend more time with my girlfriend in my own house, have time for cleaning and cooking like normal people. Socialise without worrying. Just live life not waiting for the next big disaster or demanding phone call, none of which I've brought on myself. I'm only 25 and I've had this for years now, I just feel like it should be my time, and I don't want to feel selfish for thinking that.
I even moved closer to try and make it easier on myself, less driving... But it's just meant im being put upon more and more, and she doesn't have any other family really besides me.
I suspect the mental health issues aren't even that bad, most people assume she's just selfish and horrible, and there's nothing wrong with her, The psychiatrist is struggling to help because she won't take anything he prescibes to help. There is of course days & sometimes weeks where she can be totally normal and nice, but when it's during a bad day/week, this seems very very distant to me.
Without knowing more detail and background, I know it's hard for anyone to give decent advice. I suppose I just wanted to get it off my chest. I just want to completely ignore her, turn off my phone, live each day for myself but I know I can't, Im never free of it. How much should someone be expected to do for a family member in a situation such as this? Aside from giving up my job and losing everything I have to look after this person, who really doesn't actualy need or deserve it, what can I do?
My ex girlfriend tried getting me to shut her out when she gets demanding, it turns to abuse, and then she will literally force herself to have a mental breakdown. It's like its all for attention and I can't do anything other than pander to it. Or emigrate.
Does anyone know of anywhere I can get some support or advice on mental health issues at all please?
I find with a member of my family im really struggling to have my own life, and over the last week, even get time to eat or go to work due to them suffering mental health issues. My relationship is suffering after one ending in no small part due to this family member, and if I don't help them when they're having a bad few days/weeks and leave them to it they just get worse and nastier towards me.
I am somehow expected to work 11 hour night shifts to pay my own bills, squeeze in my own cleaning, washing etc and try and find some spare time to see my GF, and also walk my mums dog for her, take her to appointments for illnesses she's made up for attention, sleep round there in the spare room even though I struggle sleeping during the day anyway (nights), do loads of other running around, barely have time to eat etc. Even though I'm
Convinced she's okay, has her own money and a car to look after herself.
Then the worst bit, nothing is ever enough. I'm being spoken to so appallingly and having so much demanded of me, when I retaliate im the worst person in the world even though I've been saying nothing for days and keeping quiet, just trying to help out however much I can. I don't have the time and energy any more. I want a normal life, I want to dedicate more time to work, I want to spend more time with my girlfriend in my own house, have time for cleaning and cooking like normal people. Socialise without worrying. Just live life not waiting for the next big disaster or demanding phone call, none of which I've brought on myself. I'm only 25 and I've had this for years now, I just feel like it should be my time, and I don't want to feel selfish for thinking that.
I even moved closer to try and make it easier on myself, less driving... But it's just meant im being put upon more and more, and she doesn't have any other family really besides me.
I suspect the mental health issues aren't even that bad, most people assume she's just selfish and horrible, and there's nothing wrong with her, The psychiatrist is struggling to help because she won't take anything he prescibes to help. There is of course days & sometimes weeks where she can be totally normal and nice, but when it's during a bad day/week, this seems very very distant to me.
Without knowing more detail and background, I know it's hard for anyone to give decent advice. I suppose I just wanted to get it off my chest. I just want to completely ignore her, turn off my phone, live each day for myself but I know I can't, Im never free of it. How much should someone be expected to do for a family member in a situation such as this? Aside from giving up my job and losing everything I have to look after this person, who really doesn't actualy need or deserve it, what can I do?
My ex girlfriend tried getting me to shut her out when she gets demanding, it turns to abuse, and then she will literally force herself to have a mental breakdown. It's like its all for attention and I can't do anything other than pander to it. Or emigrate.
Does anyone know of anywhere I can get some support or advice on mental health issues at all please?
Thanks for the replies. I am going to look in to mind and re think tomorrow.
It's hard to know what to do and what is and isn't normal in a situation like this. Hard to know how much I should be doing and when to say no and put myself first. The more information I can get the better.
Apologies for not replying to individual comments, it's been a difficult day and my brain is fried!
It's hard to know what to do and what is and isn't normal in a situation like this. Hard to know how much I should be doing and when to say no and put myself first. The more information I can get the better.
Apologies for not replying to individual comments, it's been a difficult day and my brain is fried!
I really appreciate the replies and the people who have taken time to post links.
After calling in sick to work last night and locking myself away for some peace and quiet, and after a lot of sleep, I'm feeling a lot better.
It's probably worth mentioning that my mother has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and has been through pretty much all of the treatments and help the NHS has to offer (so more or less nothing). She has suffered from acute mental health problems in the past, typically a year or so after a death in the family, which triggers a breakdown/some sort of psychotic episode. The last one was around 5 years ago now and she's pretty much completely fine now, besides this BPD.
If anyone else were to treat me this way, there is no doubt Id have nothing to do with them ever again, but the fact it's my mum, who 80% of the time is fantastic, helpful and caring, and that its a MH problem as opposed to just her being horrible, means I keep on doing what im doing.
Perhaps it requires a shift in my mindset, that when I can't do something or have other priorities, I just have to take whatever destructive consequences she throws at me, and switch off to it. I know if I let it continue to control my life, I will ultimately ruin other things that are important to me, my relationship for example.
I just don't want to be made to feel guilty any more for trying to live my own life and putting things other than my 47 year old mother first. She is after all an adult... BPD or not.
I'm going to look in to ways of coping and support for myself, and if anyone can recommend any private therapies for BPD sufferers then I'm all ears, I'd definitely pay for some decent help for her seeig as the NHS have been pretty rubbish with this.
Again, sorry I haven't replied to each post individually. I've been rushed off my feet just lately and forcing myself to have some time out. Thanks again all.
After calling in sick to work last night and locking myself away for some peace and quiet, and after a lot of sleep, I'm feeling a lot better.
It's probably worth mentioning that my mother has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and has been through pretty much all of the treatments and help the NHS has to offer (so more or less nothing). She has suffered from acute mental health problems in the past, typically a year or so after a death in the family, which triggers a breakdown/some sort of psychotic episode. The last one was around 5 years ago now and she's pretty much completely fine now, besides this BPD.
If anyone else were to treat me this way, there is no doubt Id have nothing to do with them ever again, but the fact it's my mum, who 80% of the time is fantastic, helpful and caring, and that its a MH problem as opposed to just her being horrible, means I keep on doing what im doing.
Perhaps it requires a shift in my mindset, that when I can't do something or have other priorities, I just have to take whatever destructive consequences she throws at me, and switch off to it. I know if I let it continue to control my life, I will ultimately ruin other things that are important to me, my relationship for example.
I just don't want to be made to feel guilty any more for trying to live my own life and putting things other than my 47 year old mother first. She is after all an adult... BPD or not.
I'm going to look in to ways of coping and support for myself, and if anyone can recommend any private therapies for BPD sufferers then I'm all ears, I'd definitely pay for some decent help for her seeig as the NHS have been pretty rubbish with this.
Again, sorry I haven't replied to each post individually. I've been rushed off my feet just lately and forcing myself to have some time out. Thanks again all.
paulmakin said:
Dialectical therapies were specifically formulated for treating BPD.
until quite recently, even psychiatry didn't want to have anything to do with the personality disorders (which misses the point that keeping them at bay merely reinforces their underlying psychopathology).
assuming consent and cooperation, start point would be your local secondary MH services. the personality disorders usually have a diagnosis specific service - it'll be called "Complex Needs" or similar. the fact that they have their "own" services might suggest to you that this is not something you'll deal with unilaterally.
if you have access to funding for private healthcare, DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy) is what you should be looking for
paul
Thank you Paul, very helpful. until quite recently, even psychiatry didn't want to have anything to do with the personality disorders (which misses the point that keeping them at bay merely reinforces their underlying psychopathology).
assuming consent and cooperation, start point would be your local secondary MH services. the personality disorders usually have a diagnosis specific service - it'll be called "Complex Needs" or similar. the fact that they have their "own" services might suggest to you that this is not something you'll deal with unilaterally.
if you have access to funding for private healthcare, DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy) is what you should be looking for
paul
Suggested looking in to DBT after doing some reading myself last night.
She's denying she has BPD although it was the official most recent diagnosis from the psychiatrist, and it is a scarily accurate description. A doctor once thought she was showing schizophrenic symptoms so she's convinced the psychiatrist is wrong now and won't entertain any more 'rubbish therapies that don't work'. I'll try again when she's in a better mood.
So it's been a tough week, she's had a chest infection, convinced she's dying of cancer or pneumonia, with barely any symptoms each time we've been to the docs, not even a temperature.
I ruined my weekend plans with GF so I was around, silly me again, but it's better than the grief Id get if I didn't. Various running around whilst trying to get enough sleep to sustain my nightshifts, lots of abuse when I dare say I don't have time for this, put my back out walking her dog yesterday. I had a moments sympathy but today was expected to go to the shops because she's too unwell, I've been shouted at to take a cat to the vets who is apparently mine even though I was a child when we got it, and shouted at again when I wouldn't go and get her dustbin in. I didn't manage to take my own bin out today cause of my back, and haven't managed to go to work, so how can I get her bin, and why should I hurt my back even more?
Home now for some peace and quiet, but various text messages ensued, basically saying how the argument was all my fault, along with all of life's other problems, putting it mildly, and basically I'm mental (starting to wonder if I am!!) and I've been told she's burned herself with a cigarette and it's my fault.
Standard week in my life then. Something has to change soon and I don't think it's going to be easy.
I ruined my weekend plans with GF so I was around, silly me again, but it's better than the grief Id get if I didn't. Various running around whilst trying to get enough sleep to sustain my nightshifts, lots of abuse when I dare say I don't have time for this, put my back out walking her dog yesterday. I had a moments sympathy but today was expected to go to the shops because she's too unwell, I've been shouted at to take a cat to the vets who is apparently mine even though I was a child when we got it, and shouted at again when I wouldn't go and get her dustbin in. I didn't manage to take my own bin out today cause of my back, and haven't managed to go to work, so how can I get her bin, and why should I hurt my back even more?
Home now for some peace and quiet, but various text messages ensued, basically saying how the argument was all my fault, along with all of life's other problems, putting it mildly, and basically I'm mental (starting to wonder if I am!!) and I've been told she's burned herself with a cigarette and it's my fault.
Standard week in my life then. Something has to change soon and I don't think it's going to be easy.
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