How do I navigate life after a breakup?
Discussion
Long time PHer. Not my usual account.
About 2 months ago I ended a 7 year relationship for very good reasons (wasn’t going anywhere, different goals, effectively friends for the last 4 years). No kids. Didn’t live together full time. Both have own places. As clean a break as could ever really be. I’m mid 30s.
Basically, what do I now? All the usual things people suggest post-breakup I do already and have always done in the relationship. Gym, cardio, lots of hobbies, healthy eating etc. Very isolated, family a long way away, friends the same. Live somewhere I absolutely despise but house going on the market soon to be closer to family. Job is fine but at the moment going through the motions. Doesn’t provide anywhere enough stimulation to take me out of my head.
I’ve been on a few dates but feel like I’m getting so, so attached to people so quickly, constantly checking my phone to see if they’ve messaged back and when they don’t message back immediately or don’t seem fully invested it really, really hurts. This is so unlike me and it feels really uncomfortable. I take it this is a sign I’m not ready to be dating?
I wish I could just skip forward a year. I just cannot ever get out of my head, time is moving by at a crawl, days feel like weeks, hobbies and interests are colourless and uninteresting and there’s not a moment that goes by that my mind isn’t going 1000 miles an hour. What do I do?
Thanks. It feels good to put it down into words.
About 2 months ago I ended a 7 year relationship for very good reasons (wasn’t going anywhere, different goals, effectively friends for the last 4 years). No kids. Didn’t live together full time. Both have own places. As clean a break as could ever really be. I’m mid 30s.
Basically, what do I now? All the usual things people suggest post-breakup I do already and have always done in the relationship. Gym, cardio, lots of hobbies, healthy eating etc. Very isolated, family a long way away, friends the same. Live somewhere I absolutely despise but house going on the market soon to be closer to family. Job is fine but at the moment going through the motions. Doesn’t provide anywhere enough stimulation to take me out of my head.
I’ve been on a few dates but feel like I’m getting so, so attached to people so quickly, constantly checking my phone to see if they’ve messaged back and when they don’t message back immediately or don’t seem fully invested it really, really hurts. This is so unlike me and it feels really uncomfortable. I take it this is a sign I’m not ready to be dating?
I wish I could just skip forward a year. I just cannot ever get out of my head, time is moving by at a crawl, days feel like weeks, hobbies and interests are colourless and uninteresting and there’s not a moment that goes by that my mind isn’t going 1000 miles an hour. What do I do?
Thanks. It feels good to put it down into words.
To update I think I’ve struggled because a lot of the things suggested to help you get over a breakup I have already done/do and they haven’t been working. Hobbies are motorbikes, cycling, gym/working out and yoga. Trouble is I tend to do them all solo which doesn’t really help, so maybe it’s time to find some groups.
Great point about the neediness, and I 100% agree, it’s so unlike me that it’s scary and really does show that I need more time.
Thank you, really appreciate the support and ideas.
Great point about the neediness, and I 100% agree, it’s so unlike me that it’s scary and really does show that I need more time.
Thank you, really appreciate the support and ideas.
happychap said:
Given it was a long distance relationship, what did you give up and how can that be replaced.
As above, a lot of driving. Also a location (hers) that I loved, easy access to mountains, hills and the sea and a lovely house. Doing my best to move away from where I am though, house will be going up for sale soon.
interstellar said:
Stop dating. Hindsight is wonderful but I did this after my marriage ended, I buckled to peer pressure to get out there but it was a car crash. I was so stressed waiting for texts, dealing with the apps, talking to different women I wasnt sleeping right for checking my phone and looking back it was not good for me. I was way off being ready and this was the last thing I should have done.
Can you get away, join one of these 2-3 week treks in the himalayas or something cool if you can afford it?
I would lean on friends and try and get away but stay away from women for now, its a rollercaoster and you need to not get on it.
Thanks mate, you’ve hit the absolute nail on the head there with how I’ve been. Totally out of character and really indicative that I’m so not ready to date again. In theory I’ve got one tomorrow but after that (assuming it goes ahead) I’ll sack it off entirely for a while. Can you get away, join one of these 2-3 week treks in the himalayas or something cool if you can afford it?
I would lean on friends and try and get away but stay away from women for now, its a rollercaoster and you need to not get on it.
Chainsaw Rebuild said:
I mean you should do all those things anyway, but if that helps get you going....... :-)
I’m quite lucky that my relationship never stopped me doing things like that but you’re right, it’s time to pursue them with a renewed vigour. Just wanted to say thanks to everyone who’s commented, it’s really appreciated. Hopefully starting to put a few things in motion to move things on and keep myself busy.
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