Difficult 15 year old - Normal or Referral needed?
Discussion
I am posting with a different user name to normal but am looking for views on how we best handle this situation. I am mid forties, divorced and live with my new partner. We have 3 children between us. The two girls are late teens and are great , interact with us both, appreciate us as we do them and we have a great relationship with both of them.
My partners son however is trickier. The problem is I have seen this before but its difficult to know what to do when he isn't mine. I am trying to support my partner but she doesn't really know what to do in the circumstances and has been honest in that regard but has buried her head and just hopes it will be ok, I am not sure that outcome will happen without intervention.
I have seen this before from afar but am not qualified in any way . I met my first wife at University who had a younger brother who displayed difficulty in social interactions, his Dad wanted him assessed but his Mum was always defensive and said he was fine. He's now mid thirties and cant hold a real conversation although he is somewhat intelligent, he would walk out of a room if people are in it, never interacted at xmas etc and just stayed in his room, it was like getting blood from a stone, just didn't want to interact at all. That of course is fine and I am all for being inclusive but that doesn't help him or the people around him to make the best of him he can be. He was a good lad but by Mum doing nothing when he was younger they have missed the boat on giving him any guidance or support.
Fast forward 20 years and in my current set up I am looking at similar but as he isn't mine I am encouraging my partner to do something about it but she wants to keep the peace, leave him to it and frankly let him do what he likes. He is 15.
He wont interact with us unless talked too and that is one word answers, no manners, selfish, has his agenda and rarely even says thank you. Stays in his room most of the time and wont do anything with us out of the house, for those thinking he's a typical 15 year old, its worse than that. This has gone on for 3 years although we have only lived together 6 months he has been difficult for her the whole time, when we met at him being 11 I thought it odd he was in his bedroom all the time, 15 yes but at 11 they still want to kick a ball around, I offered but no. He doesn't respect her and is often rude to her but she just takes it without wanting to react. He stays with us half the week and there is an atmosphere. Him and I have had words a couple of times when on holiday but I am trying to be supportive and make sure we don't ignore his needs.
He has recently begun wearing his airpods all the time in the house which is hardly a crime but it avoids all contact with us now, he cooks on his own, wont eat our meals, doesn't sit with us but constantly avoids talking to us as he is listening to his phone, either tv or music. The silence is not helpful!
He goes most of the day avoiding us and he seems to want to be alone, I don't think he dislikes his parents or his sister, me or my daughter but he is so sheltered I am concerned about him in the future. This is the only thing my partner and I have words about.
I want her to do something about it but obviously he's not my son, she doesn't find his Dad very helpful but she would rather let him do what he wants than find out if he needs any support or whether he may be suffering with anything.
Deep down it could be he is angry his parents split up, he doesn't know why they did and was 9 at the time, I think they are worried he might blame them so don't want to poke the bear but for me its doing him a disservice by ignoring it. Sheis worried, if she challenges him about the rudeness etc he will just get angry so ignores it, I wouldn't be so accepting if he was mine.
Its a tricky one to describe here, its not a Kevin and perry situation, I genuinely believe he needs some professional help but my partner just says he wont go, case closed. I have told her it might need to get worse before it gets better but I cant get involved although he lives in our house (we bought it together), I don't see it right to get involved.
My suggestion is she talks to his Dad on a serious level (who also has the same view that the lad is very difficult, moody, and his partner and him spend a lot of time discussing why he is so difficult) and speak to the doctor, get some advice off Mumsnet would be a start and take it from there but there is a lot of resistance.
Any ideas?
My partners son however is trickier. The problem is I have seen this before but its difficult to know what to do when he isn't mine. I am trying to support my partner but she doesn't really know what to do in the circumstances and has been honest in that regard but has buried her head and just hopes it will be ok, I am not sure that outcome will happen without intervention.
I have seen this before from afar but am not qualified in any way . I met my first wife at University who had a younger brother who displayed difficulty in social interactions, his Dad wanted him assessed but his Mum was always defensive and said he was fine. He's now mid thirties and cant hold a real conversation although he is somewhat intelligent, he would walk out of a room if people are in it, never interacted at xmas etc and just stayed in his room, it was like getting blood from a stone, just didn't want to interact at all. That of course is fine and I am all for being inclusive but that doesn't help him or the people around him to make the best of him he can be. He was a good lad but by Mum doing nothing when he was younger they have missed the boat on giving him any guidance or support.
Fast forward 20 years and in my current set up I am looking at similar but as he isn't mine I am encouraging my partner to do something about it but she wants to keep the peace, leave him to it and frankly let him do what he likes. He is 15.
He wont interact with us unless talked too and that is one word answers, no manners, selfish, has his agenda and rarely even says thank you. Stays in his room most of the time and wont do anything with us out of the house, for those thinking he's a typical 15 year old, its worse than that. This has gone on for 3 years although we have only lived together 6 months he has been difficult for her the whole time, when we met at him being 11 I thought it odd he was in his bedroom all the time, 15 yes but at 11 they still want to kick a ball around, I offered but no. He doesn't respect her and is often rude to her but she just takes it without wanting to react. He stays with us half the week and there is an atmosphere. Him and I have had words a couple of times when on holiday but I am trying to be supportive and make sure we don't ignore his needs.
He has recently begun wearing his airpods all the time in the house which is hardly a crime but it avoids all contact with us now, he cooks on his own, wont eat our meals, doesn't sit with us but constantly avoids talking to us as he is listening to his phone, either tv or music. The silence is not helpful!
He goes most of the day avoiding us and he seems to want to be alone, I don't think he dislikes his parents or his sister, me or my daughter but he is so sheltered I am concerned about him in the future. This is the only thing my partner and I have words about.
I want her to do something about it but obviously he's not my son, she doesn't find his Dad very helpful but she would rather let him do what he wants than find out if he needs any support or whether he may be suffering with anything.
Deep down it could be he is angry his parents split up, he doesn't know why they did and was 9 at the time, I think they are worried he might blame them so don't want to poke the bear but for me its doing him a disservice by ignoring it. Sheis worried, if she challenges him about the rudeness etc he will just get angry so ignores it, I wouldn't be so accepting if he was mine.
Its a tricky one to describe here, its not a Kevin and perry situation, I genuinely believe he needs some professional help but my partner just says he wont go, case closed. I have told her it might need to get worse before it gets better but I cant get involved although he lives in our house (we bought it together), I don't see it right to get involved.
My suggestion is she talks to his Dad on a serious level (who also has the same view that the lad is very difficult, moody, and his partner and him spend a lot of time discussing why he is so difficult) and speak to the doctor, get some advice off Mumsnet would be a start and take it from there but there is a lot of resistance.
Any ideas?
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