Wife is a menace on the road...what to do?
Discussion
Now, I've got to keep this one quiet...and if you drop me in it, Steve!
My wife has never been a good driver.
Our first argument ever, before we got married nearly 25 years ago was when, despite my advice that she was driving too close to the walls down a narrow Spanish village street, she whacked the side of the hire car against the wall of someone's house.
Yet within the above sentence lies another problem...She never takes any advice kindly. Rather, she always perceive advice (however humbly given and well intentioned) as a personal insult and slight to her very persona.
Travelling with her behind the wheel has never been a pleasant experience. Even on long journeys you'll most definitely be constantly fighting the urge to go to sleep lest seven years later you wake-up from a coma...or worse...don't wake up at all.
However, steadily over the years, it seems to be getting worse. Earlier "unease" has more recently become a white-knuckled experience on virtually every trip.
Finally, I foolishly decided to accompany her on a short 4 mile, night drive, up the fast-moving A5 to the supermarket the other night. It was absolutely horrific!
On that one short journey (at completely excessive speed for both her ability and prevailing road conditions, I might add!) she managed to:
1) Scare the living daylights out of me by braking and swerving the full width of the car, at the last second, just to avoid a rabbit in the road...with fast-moving cars right behind her.
2) Scare the living daylights out of me by constantly driving far too close to, or even over, the crown of the road (a persistent habit). So far in fact that one could actually see from the passenger seat that the gap she leaves on the near side would actually be wide enough to drive a car through to 'undertake her...a single lane road!
This is with oncoming headlights coming towards us at National Speed Limit Speeds. Thus, the minimum impact speed would be at least 120mph.
3) Scare the living daylights out of me by pulling out on to a roundabout right out in front of someone already clearly on it to her right. How the bloke managed to slow down so fast as not to T-bone her is to his credit. One only needed rudimentary lip-reading skills to understand the explitives he was hurling!
Now, in fairness to her, she did have an undiagnosed astigmatism as a child and has very poor eyesight in one eye and so this must clearly be impacting on her binocular vision and hence depth/distance perception.
Secondly, she has never seemed to have very good hand to eye co-ordination. You know the kind of person that is absolutely hopeless at any kind of computer game?
Thirdly, she seems to have very poor spacial awareness. Might be linked to the above two? I mean, I don't know about you but I reckon most people, if they see their spouse/partner coming towards them in their car, on a fairly empty road won't fail to notice them? I always notice her. She rarely sees me!
By the end of the other night's Rollercoaster experience I was thinking to myself: "Jeez...this isn't even remotely funny anymore. This is damn serious and bloody dangerous for her, other occupants and other road users!!!"
Other common and dangerous faults are:
A) Persistently driving too fast for her skills (held the record for the slowest lap ever at our local karting track); the road conditions (wet or dry makes absolutely no difference to her) or the car (old Merc 124 E320 Estate...fastish car but not very agile).
B) Driving far too close to vehicles in front and braking very late and harshly such that in the intervening few seconds one sits and wonders: "Is she going to brake at all?......BRAKE!!!!!
C) Driving on the crown of the road as we've already mentioned.
D) Persistently cutting corners on right turns across Give Way junctions. If someone was actually just coming up to the junction intending to "Give Way" at the double white lines they'd have the nose of their car sliced off.
E) Loads of other stuff
But what should I do?
At the time, I felt like reporting her to the police myself! Seems a little drastic?
Book her some driving lessons for her birthday? A bit unromantic for her 50th? Still...I did buy her a wheel-barrow for her 40th!
Book her a course with the IAM for her birthday? Ditto above?
Pray?
Many thanks in advance for advice!
My wife has never been a good driver.
Our first argument ever, before we got married nearly 25 years ago was when, despite my advice that she was driving too close to the walls down a narrow Spanish village street, she whacked the side of the hire car against the wall of someone's house.
Yet within the above sentence lies another problem...She never takes any advice kindly. Rather, she always perceive advice (however humbly given and well intentioned) as a personal insult and slight to her very persona.
Travelling with her behind the wheel has never been a pleasant experience. Even on long journeys you'll most definitely be constantly fighting the urge to go to sleep lest seven years later you wake-up from a coma...or worse...don't wake up at all.
However, steadily over the years, it seems to be getting worse. Earlier "unease" has more recently become a white-knuckled experience on virtually every trip.
Finally, I foolishly decided to accompany her on a short 4 mile, night drive, up the fast-moving A5 to the supermarket the other night. It was absolutely horrific!
On that one short journey (at completely excessive speed for both her ability and prevailing road conditions, I might add!) she managed to:
1) Scare the living daylights out of me by braking and swerving the full width of the car, at the last second, just to avoid a rabbit in the road...with fast-moving cars right behind her.
2) Scare the living daylights out of me by constantly driving far too close to, or even over, the crown of the road (a persistent habit). So far in fact that one could actually see from the passenger seat that the gap she leaves on the near side would actually be wide enough to drive a car through to 'undertake her...a single lane road!
This is with oncoming headlights coming towards us at National Speed Limit Speeds. Thus, the minimum impact speed would be at least 120mph.
3) Scare the living daylights out of me by pulling out on to a roundabout right out in front of someone already clearly on it to her right. How the bloke managed to slow down so fast as not to T-bone her is to his credit. One only needed rudimentary lip-reading skills to understand the explitives he was hurling!
Now, in fairness to her, she did have an undiagnosed astigmatism as a child and has very poor eyesight in one eye and so this must clearly be impacting on her binocular vision and hence depth/distance perception.
Secondly, she has never seemed to have very good hand to eye co-ordination. You know the kind of person that is absolutely hopeless at any kind of computer game?
Thirdly, she seems to have very poor spacial awareness. Might be linked to the above two? I mean, I don't know about you but I reckon most people, if they see their spouse/partner coming towards them in their car, on a fairly empty road won't fail to notice them? I always notice her. She rarely sees me!
By the end of the other night's Rollercoaster experience I was thinking to myself: "Jeez...this isn't even remotely funny anymore. This is damn serious and bloody dangerous for her, other occupants and other road users!!!"
Other common and dangerous faults are:
A) Persistently driving too fast for her skills (held the record for the slowest lap ever at our local karting track); the road conditions (wet or dry makes absolutely no difference to her) or the car (old Merc 124 E320 Estate...fastish car but not very agile).
B) Driving far too close to vehicles in front and braking very late and harshly such that in the intervening few seconds one sits and wonders: "Is she going to brake at all?......BRAKE!!!!!
C) Driving on the crown of the road as we've already mentioned.
D) Persistently cutting corners on right turns across Give Way junctions. If someone was actually just coming up to the junction intending to "Give Way" at the double white lines they'd have the nose of their car sliced off.
E) Loads of other stuff
But what should I do?
At the time, I felt like reporting her to the police myself! Seems a little drastic?
Book her some driving lessons for her birthday? A bit unromantic for her 50th? Still...I did buy her a wheel-barrow for her 40th!
Book her a course with the IAM for her birthday? Ditto above?
Pray?
Many thanks in advance for advice!
ScoobyChris said:
derin100 said:
Book her a course with the IAM for her birthday? Ditto above?
If neither of you have done it, why not both sign up and have a bit of friendly competition 
Chris
The suggestion of buying her the convertible also very good...but I did already make this offer for her birthday and she's already declined.
RGambo said:
How long has she been driving? How many accidents/RTI's has she been involved in?
Well, this is the slightly "sticky" one. She's been driving for 25 years and has actually only had two accidents (God knows how!) and both were minor. One not even her fault (she maintains) about 18 years ago when someone went into the back of her newly restored BMW 2002; and then another about 8 years ago when she REVERSED into someone at a "Give Way" junction! 
The problem is that this does indeed, on paper at least, make my contention that she is a lethal driver a little difficult to sustain? However, the truth of the matter is that one can't help thinking that this seemingly "not bad batting-average" is actually only hiding something that probability suggestions could soon turn into a calamitous "Big One" !
Just browsing the IAM website....
I found this:
http://www.iam.org.uk/drivers/motorists-courses/dr...
Good for her 50th? With the inscription on the inside of the card: "Sorry...but I've been trying to tell you nicely for years! Many Happy Returns! XXX"
I found this:
http://www.iam.org.uk/drivers/motorists-courses/dr...
Good for her 50th? With the inscription on the inside of the card: "Sorry...but I've been trying to tell you nicely for years! Many Happy Returns! XXX"
Mercury00 said:
They're all like that. Mine is magnetised to potholes, can't reverse and forgets to change gear 90% of the time so we're either having our bones rattled at 20mph in fifth gear or having our eardrums perforated at 70mph in second gear. Comments simply result in me being called a 
. Just make sure they have a car of their own to destroy and keep yours to yourself to look after.
Also I forgot to mention one of the most annoying things: To women a brake pedal is an on/ off switch.
Yes! I generally now give her "her car" and long as it goes I try not to look at it too hard or be precious about it.. Just make sure they have a car of their own to destroy and keep yours to yourself to look after.Also I forgot to mention one of the most annoying things: To women a brake pedal is an on/ off switch.
Similar to your wife's attraction to pot-holes (mine doesn't even notice those) and actually in a reverse of my wife's attraction to the white lines running up the middle of the road she does also not infrequent like to skim the brambles and hedge-rows on the nearside of country lanes....then deny all knowledge of how all those scratches ended up along the car the next time I come to wash it for her!
I can't remember the exact excuse given but it was something as ridiculously improbable along the lines of: " A tractor was parked next to me in the car-park carrying twigs. He must have done it!"
The Crack Fox said:
Mine is the same. Knows it all, drives like a complete psycho all the time, everywhere. She refuses to even listen to gentle suggestions. She once argued that the posted speed limit "is the recommended speed limit". She uses lift-off oversteer with the kids in the car when driving an MPV. I honestly wish she'd pick up a dozen points as I've no idea how else to get through to her!
Centurion07 said:
1. Buy one of these: http://www.cam-shop-online.com/Mycrocam/
2. Install it in the car saying it's an air-freshener.
3. Record one or two of her journeys.
4. Play them back to her asking her to "come and look at how bad this muppet's driving is".
5. When she agrees it's appalling, point out the twist! Dun dun DUN.....
Seriously though, if she's as bad as you've said, she's a serious danger to herself, not just others, so you could try using the emotional blackmail angle of not wanting her to get hurt.
LMAO!!!2. Install it in the car saying it's an air-freshener.
3. Record one or two of her journeys.
4. Play them back to her asking her to "come and look at how bad this muppet's driving is".
5. When she agrees it's appalling, point out the twist! Dun dun DUN.....
Seriously though, if she's as bad as you've said, she's a serious danger to herself, not just others, so you could try using the emotional blackmail angle of not wanting her to get hurt.
But the serious side is very true as well. Good way of approaching it! Thanks.
MarshPhantom said:
Not long after I moved in with the O/H I was filling up at our local petrol station when I saw my girlfriend drive round a corner and into the back of a stationary Corsa - in my car. She'd only driven about a hundred yards from our house.
No "...tractor carrying twigs parked next to me..." on that one then!R_U_LOCAL said:
OP, have you considered driving like her?
Next time you're driving and she is your passenger, don't say anything, but try to replicate (within reason) her driving faults. If she comments on it, just tell her it's what she does and that it makes you uncomfortable.
Poor drivng can be difficult to address with someone you're close to. Its a bit like a drug addiction - they can change their habits, but first of all they need to realise that they have a problem. Even then, they also need to want to improve and be willing to put the effort in.
IAM can be a good starting point, but there will also be plenty of local instructors who will be willing to give her some improvement lessons if she's up for it.
You just need to get your point across first, and replicating faults can be a very effective tool if you're careful and you do it accurately.
Now that I like! Very novel approach...maybe even combine that with the dash-cam thing as described above? We could be on to something here!Next time you're driving and she is your passenger, don't say anything, but try to replicate (within reason) her driving faults. If she comments on it, just tell her it's what she does and that it makes you uncomfortable.
Poor drivng can be difficult to address with someone you're close to. Its a bit like a drug addiction - they can change their habits, but first of all they need to realise that they have a problem. Even then, they also need to want to improve and be willing to put the effort in.
IAM can be a good starting point, but there will also be plenty of local instructors who will be willing to give her some improvement lessons if she's up for it.
You just need to get your point across first, and replicating faults can be a very effective tool if you're careful and you do it accurately.
First of all replicate all the same faults to try to make her feel comfortable...I predict limited if any success with this actual part as I doubt she'd really notice...but then play it back to her from the dash cam and say: "Can you spot the really bad things I was doing here?"
She probably would still get an "Unclassified Grade" in that exam but then I could go back through it and point them out myself to her and then say these are some of the things she does...plus I'm only pointing them out because I'm serious concerned and don't want her to get hurt? Thus bring in the emotional blackmail angle as suggested above?
We may have cracked it!
(Although, I fear with all of the above, we may still be sailing periliously close to the "Rocks of Advise Equals Criticsm" ? And then the whole thing falls down!)
Pints said:
I've nothing especially helpful to add, other than to assert my long held belief that holding a driving license is a privilege and not a right.
Your wife may not have been involved in many accidents but how many has she left in her wake?
God knows!Your wife may not have been involved in many accidents but how many has she left in her wake?
Which reminds me of another trait:
Despite driving too fast...dawdling/vacillating before and even more frighteningly DURING overtaking. This includes both LHD articulated monster lorries and cyclists!
Particularly attention grabbing for those seated on the nearside of the car.
Edited by derin100 on Monday 22 September 21:28
oldchris said:
This is my wife to a tee, she used to be a great driver, fast and confident, in fact she taught me to drive!But now she is frightening, and will not be told. Whilst on holiday she drove my Freelander down tight country lanes on the cruise control, we were heading into blind bends totaly out of control!
She leaves braking to the last moment and is proud of the fact she can't navigate.
Her best one was towing the caravan down the A14 in the pouring rain at 80mph.
Most of our rows are about driving as she has a total lack of awareness of other traffic then has a go when I "advise" her on what other drivers are doing.
She is a great wife and a realy nice person. butbehind the wheel a total nightmare !!
In here defence her driving changed after having a huge accident in my CRV, cartwheeling it, hitting a tree then ending up ontop of a hedge. Whist she was not injured physicaly I think here confidence has been affected and she iso longer relaxed behind the wheel. It's a shame as I used to enjoy being a passenger when she drove.
Chris
She leaves braking to the last moment and is proud of the fact she can't navigate.
Her best one was towing the caravan down the A14 in the pouring rain at 80mph.
Most of our rows are about driving as she has a total lack of awareness of other traffic then has a go when I "advise" her on what other drivers are doing.
She is a great wife and a realy nice person. butbehind the wheel a total nightmare !!
In here defence her driving changed after having a huge accident in my CRV, cartwheeling it, hitting a tree then ending up ontop of a hedge. Whist she was not injured physicaly I think here confidence has been affected and she iso longer relaxed behind the wheel. It's a shame as I used to enjoy being a passenger when she drove.
Chris
But in your case the unfortunate accident seems to have made her a more aggressive/wild driver?
Matt UK said:
Set up some sort of group messaging system so that you can at least alert us of her intended route and timings?
LOL! Just look out for a big, old green Merc W124 Estate moving at speed! Could be in front of you; could be behind you; could coming towards you...could be left or right of you. Underneath or below are unlikely...but not impossible.Once spotted, pull over, count to 100 and then proceed....with caution!
SturdyHSV said:
It gets labelled as chauvinistic, but based on the evidence it does seem that what the OP is experiencing is by no means uncommon...
The differences in each gender's spatial awareness and such are scientifically documented, so you may well be out of luck there. If her vision is poor, she's probably (without realising) finding the whole situation a lot more difficult than is necessary, a lot more stressful, and a lot more worrying.
In any other situation in life, you wouldn't be surprised if someone feeling particularly stressed and dealing with a fairly difficult task was a little snappy in response...
Add on to that, people generally don't like being criticised, and especially not for something seen to be as simple as driving.
Now we don't know your wife's mind, is she a very confident woman who is completely comfortable in her own skin (do these even exist)? If she isn't a confident person, the criticism may well go down even worse, she may be sitting there thinking you're constantly judging her (which you are) and again, that isn't going to lead to a relaxed drive for her, exacerbating the situation. There's a whole world of amateur psychology you could delve in to, but it may be worth trying to understand the situation from her point of view (although try not to apply too much logic to it
)
Any suggestions of IAM will have to be done as a pair as an absolute minimum, alternatively perhaps you go first as was suggested. The thing is, she has to want to as everyone has said, and inspiring her to give a damn is the tough bit.
One suggestion that has worked for me is to point out fuel consumption (if she is paying for her own fuel...). Once it becomes about saving money (for shoes! ) it may then become of interest to her. Furthermore, criticise the mistakes in others, there's plenty of them about. Point out that muggins in front is following too close and having to brake all the time, and explain how as you're just hanging back a bit, you're not having to brake, and you're using way less fuel, and it's so much more relaxed.
You stand a better chance of success if you try and unite against other people's st driving and try to encourage driving defensively as a means of saving money and of course being safer overall. Taking on board the premise that every other car on the road could do absolutely anything at any time, no matter how stupid (at the moment she is this person for everyone else it seems) and that you, together, are taking some simple, sensible precautions to generally be a bit safer and more relaxed may well do her driving some good, and crucially, mean that she even takes a bit of an interest in it, which puts her at an advantage to 95% of other road users.
Just to get this back on track though, yeah, all women are, quite literally, insane behind the wheel, and are completely incapable of taking even the slightest comment without it being taken as a direct affront to them and their entire family that should be punishable by death. They all drive staring simply at the windscreen, they see no further than that. When the windscreen fills up with darkness or red lights, they apply the brakes. Once it looks like daylight again, they crack on.
Most terrifying is how long they can leave the wipers on after it stops raining. What are you doing that whilst driving a car, you don't notice something flicking across your field of vision constantly and making a loud squeaking noise? What the hell else aren't you noticing?!
That is absolutely hilarious because I forgot that that was EXACTLY another thing she did on that short trip that I described...and those were exactly my thoughts! That is: "What the hell else haven't you noticed?" The differences in each gender's spatial awareness and such are scientifically documented, so you may well be out of luck there. If her vision is poor, she's probably (without realising) finding the whole situation a lot more difficult than is necessary, a lot more stressful, and a lot more worrying.
In any other situation in life, you wouldn't be surprised if someone feeling particularly stressed and dealing with a fairly difficult task was a little snappy in response...
Add on to that, people generally don't like being criticised, and especially not for something seen to be as simple as driving.
Now we don't know your wife's mind, is she a very confident woman who is completely comfortable in her own skin (do these even exist)? If she isn't a confident person, the criticism may well go down even worse, she may be sitting there thinking you're constantly judging her (which you are) and again, that isn't going to lead to a relaxed drive for her, exacerbating the situation. There's a whole world of amateur psychology you could delve in to, but it may be worth trying to understand the situation from her point of view (although try not to apply too much logic to it
)Any suggestions of IAM will have to be done as a pair as an absolute minimum, alternatively perhaps you go first as was suggested. The thing is, she has to want to as everyone has said, and inspiring her to give a damn is the tough bit.
One suggestion that has worked for me is to point out fuel consumption (if she is paying for her own fuel...). Once it becomes about saving money (for shoes!
) it may then become of interest to her. Furthermore, criticise the mistakes in others, there's plenty of them about. Point out that muggins in front is following too close and having to brake all the time, and explain how as you're just hanging back a bit, you're not having to brake, and you're using way less fuel, and it's so much more relaxed. You stand a better chance of success if you try and unite against other people's s
t driving and try to encourage driving defensively as a means of saving money and of course being safer overall. Taking on board the premise that every other car on the road could do absolutely anything at any time, no matter how stupid (at the moment she is this person for everyone else it seems) and that you, together, are taking some simple, sensible precautions to generally be a bit safer and more relaxed may well do her driving some good, and crucially, mean that she even takes a bit of an interest in it, which puts her at an advantage to 95% of other road users.Just to get this back on track though, yeah, all women are, quite literally, insane behind the wheel, and are completely incapable of taking even the slightest comment without it being taken as a direct affront to them and their entire family that should be punishable by death. They all drive staring simply at the windscreen, they see no further than that. When the windscreen fills up with darkness or red lights, they apply the brakes. Once it looks like daylight again, they crack on.
Most terrifying is how long they can leave the wipers on after it stops raining. What are you doing that whilst driving a car, you don't notice something flicking across your field of vision constantly and making a loud squeaking noise? What the hell else aren't you noticing?!
Gassing Station | General Gassing | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff