Shed Of The Week: BMW 528i SE

The definitive BMW 5 Series, nicely turned out with a sweet straight-six and low-key look - Shed's done well

A glass of Coke will dissolve a tooth overnight. The daddy longlegs is the world's most poisonous insect. And a duck's quack has no echo.

Dealer failed to impress options on original buyer

Urban myths have their place, most usually in the bin, but there's nothing mythical about the reputation of the BMW E39 5 Series. An icon from the pre-compromise era, the E39 effortlessly over-delivered on customer expectations and won more motoring trophies than Roger Federer. A hell of a lot more in fact as Fed hasn't won a single motoring trophy. He thinks he's so clever too.

Even now, the 190hp M52 2.8-litre straight six (replaced in the 2000 facelift by the 3.0-litre 530) stands tall as a near-ideal mix of power, refinement and economy - mid-20s in town, mid-30s on a run, and into the 40s on a steady cruise. The chassis is an equally sweet combination of damping control and suppleness. This could be (fundamentally) analogue motoring at its best.

What about this specimen though? Well, just look at it. All the shutlines are factory-fresh, the pillowy black hide is wonderfully lived-in, and there's a lovely glow to the cabin wood. Debadging and hidden tailpipes add just the right air of relaxed understatement.

Proportionally perfect BMW saloon ... for Shed money

The next MoT is due in a couple of months, but with a service history nearly as long as the Qur'an and repeated use of the word 'excellent' in the dealer's condition report you'd be well within your rights to expect it to zoom through.

Of course, even a car with a service history as comprehensive as this one isn't the same as a car that needs nothing replacing. BMW got this engine pretty much right. There are no swirl flaps to drop into it, but there are three areas of potential concern: the cylinder bores; the auto transmission; and the single VANOS variable valve timing gubbins.

Any pre-'98 M52 that's still running is highly unlikely to have unlined Nikasil-coated cylinder bores in it. Somewhere in this car's paperwork there should be a note to say a new block with steel liners has been fitted. It may also say something about the trans fluid being changed. BMW boasted that its gearbox would never need attention, and sealed it for life on that basis. Independent specialists know different.

Unfashionably small wheels good for wafting

VANOS failure is less common than you might think, but if you want to be sure the symptoms include general loss of power at around 3,000rpm (especially when the AC is on), surging and hesitations under load, and a hiccuping idle. VANOS relies on clean oil, good oil pressure, flexible O-rings and the correct functioning of key electronic components like the DME brain. You'd think that clean oil wouldn't be an issue on this car. The rest of it being OK will be down to the diligence of the owners and the fickle gods of motoring happiness.

Other stuff? The cams are driven by chain, but plastic tensioner components can crumble. The famous BMW wheel wobble/steering shimmy can be tough to isolate and correct, traction control/ABS ECUs fail, and sensors that are meant to sense trouble (ABS, airbags) often end up being the cause of it, but that's hardly BMW-specific. Nor are age-related problem areas like suspension control arms and bushes, brake hoses and belts.

Park yourself here and reflect on money well spent

Shed has had his eye on this particular 528 for a while now. He reckons the reg plate has some value on its own. But it's a purchase that will never happen because Mrs Shed refuses to entertain the idea of a white car on her drive. That's a pity, because white is the new black, and for some unknown reason German cars always look good in white. This is one of life's great mysteries on a par with human beings not being able to lick their own elbows, Micky Flanagan making a good living as a comedian, and a duck's quack having no echo.

In case you were thinking of publicly claiming any of these myths to be true, by the way, be advised that none of them are. Apart from the Micky Flanagan thing, which apparently is.

Here is the ad.

White

ALPINE WHITE, VERY WELL MAINTAINED IN STUNNING CONDITION.., Upgrades - HPI CERTIFIED AND CLEAR, 2 KEYS, 1 FORMER OWNER FROM BRAND NEW, LAST OWNER HAS OWNED THE CAR FOR THE LAST 11 YEARS, FULL SERVICE HISTORY, SERVICED BY BMW AT 8K, 17K, 27K, 36K, 45K, 56K, 66K, 75K, 86K AND 86K...THEN SPECIALISTS AT 93K, 102K, 113K, 126K, 139K, 153K, 164K, 175K, 187K, 198K, AND 207K, 1 owner, Next MOT due 04/07/2015, Full service history, Excellent bodywork, Interior - Excellent Condition, Tyre condition Excellent, 5 seats, R&W OFFERS A FANTASTIC OPTIONAL GUARANTEE. Px/finance/all major cards accepted, Experian auto check clear, £925 p/x welcome
2.8 528i SE 4dr