Shed of the Week: Chevrolet Blazer

Literally a lot of metal for not much money ... well it might have been but for one important detail

Can you name the truck with four-wheel drive, smells like a steak and seats 35?

As any Simpsons fan will know, that was of course the Canyonero. But it could just as easily have been this week's Shed, the marvellously horrible Chevrolet Blazer. Only one word can describe this rolling slab of political incorrectness: promulant. And that's not even a real word. Actually, that's not strictly true. Another word describes it - sold.

A true Yank tank

Before you commence to ranting about non-existent Sheds ('commencing to' being what they do in Blazer country), Shed's lawyers have reassured him the car qualifies as a Shed on account of it having been in the PH classifieds. If you want to pursue the question of how long it was in the PH classifieds, perhaps Breadvan72 or someone from the quantum physics thread will be prepared to take it on. The lesson here being that you should have kept your eyes closely glued to the listings for Yank tanks.

In all honesty though, would you have slapped your wad down for this fine specimen of American excess, as the unknown speedy buyer did? What would you have been getting into?

"Twelve yards long, two lanes wide, sixty-five tons of American pride."

Make that 1.75 tons. It was a lot back in 1999, but a specced-up Mini Countryman weighs about the same these days doesn't it?

"It goes real slow with the hammer down, it's the country-fried truck endorsed by a clown."

The smell of freedom

Bashed together from an unusual mixture of wide-grain plastic, pig iron, pewter and buffalo scrotums, the Blazer easily met your performance expectations, as long as they were nice and low. The spec sheet says 112mph and a 0-60 of 10.1 seconds, but it would be a brave man indeed who would attempt to grind that sort of progress out of the 4.3-litre vee-six. Much better to amble around at 38mph or so, your brace of prizewinning shire horses in tow, comfortable in the knowledge that the chap behind you was breathing in a heady cocktail of 330 grams of CO2 every single kilometre. That's about one Imperial pound of noxiousness every mile. Wow! And, indeed, cough!

This Blazer came out of the blacksmiths, sorry, factory, in Onyx Black. If the first buyer had wanted to do his bit for the environment he could have had it in Meadow Green.

Either way, if you'd bought it 17 years on, the chances of this bluff old lump turning into a faithful (if farty) Shed would have been every bit as slim as you might expect. Looking at US owners' reviews, the word that seems to sum up the Blazer for most is 'junk'. Our selection of choice quotes includes "always serviced it, tranny went out anyway at 114,000 miles", "absolutely the worst vehicle I have ever owned in my life", "money pit", and that simple old classic "run away". AC compressors, radiators, transfer cases, fuses, door hinges, power locks, window motors, ball joints, fuel pumps, flywheels, differentials, ECUs, CV joints, ball joints (again), gaskets ... basically, anything in the vehicle or within twenty metres of it will break. If it hasn't already, it will soon.

But wouldn't owning it have been great? Even if only for a week.

Needless to say, as per the Canyonero ad, unexplained fires are a matter for the courts. Or would have been, if you'd been quick enough to buy it. For old times' sake if nothing else, here's the ad, complete with 'happy days' sign-off.

£995 Black, HEATED FRONTS SEATS..ELECTRIC FRONT SEATS..LUMBAR SUPORT..2 KEYS..PERFECT TOW VEHICLE / STABLES CAR..MOT UNTIL MAY 2016..Date of reg:26/01/1999, 4 owners, Next MOT due 06/05/2016, Black Full leather interior, Four wheel-drive, Air-Conditioning, Alloy Wheels (17in), Electric Windows (Front/Rear), In Car Entertainment (Radio/Cassette/CD), Seats Electric (Driver/Passenger), Electric mirrors, Heated seats, 2 Keys, one touch drivers window, tow bar. 5 seats, Vehicle comes with an AA History Check and 12 Months AA Breakdown Cover. Happy Days.