Tips to make my car look newer

[w1bbles]

My Disco 3 has just hit 160,000 miles after 14 years of life, the last 3 in serious neglect. Driving to Glasgow today and witnessing the clever new Audi indicators, I have decided to do some things to make my car appear to be more modern. The only rule I have applied is that there may be no replacement of things like grilles and lights to bling up the old girl to Disco 4 spec. Here are the top ideas to date:

1. When changing lane, hold the indicator stalk for exactly 3 flashes. Tricky one, this, if the stalks go 'click'.
2. Pretend to be asleep at the wheel while keeping eyes open just a teeny bit with head rolled back and tongue out. Drift over white line and steer car back quickly into lane using knees.
3. Carry an extension lead that I can plug into charging points (but without paying - bonus!).
4. Fit a fake button on the dash that I can press while simultaneously subtly turning the actual key to start the engine.
5. Pour AdBlue onto my boot carpet every now and then.
6. Wait for ages to dip headlights and blame this (if stopped in a road rage incident) on auto-dipping. being 'vah vah slow'
7. Erm...
8. That's it.

Any more ideas?

[w1bbles]

Do you think my current one, C11 NTY, is helping?

[w1bbles]

0a said:

Turn the engine on and off at junctions

Super smart! Missed that trick. Trouble is it's an auto so I'll have to smash the reversing light bulbs to avoid giving the game away.

[w1bbles]

matthias73 said:

Leave fake finance papers on the rear seat, along with a frappuchino

Sadly I'd need to wash it first as no-one would believe that a finance company would take it as security. I drove it into a bush two weeks ago by mistake (sort of) and it's got massive scratches down the side. The more I type the more I realise this might blow my cover. I may try to get a decent match from the B&Q value range of emulsion tomorrow.

[w1bbles]

0a said:

On a cold winter day, wee yourself to give a short lived impression that you have activated the heated seats

That's not an unusual scenario. Did I mention it smells a bit?

[w1bbles]

Levin said:

Too old money, probably passed down from a great-grandfather. Wealth doesn't whisper, wealth shouts about how it's driving a brand new car with all the options. BAZ 6903 would be much more befitting a powerful company director's fully loaded 2016 Disco.

Cool. I've ordered M1 NGE. On a side-note, I witnessed some aggressive driving from a white Merc convertible* in Stirling this evening with the plate (I think) M444 TME. I read that as being 'mate me'. I couldn't see whether it was a man or a woman driving, but the fast approach from the rear made me nervous so I bottled it and changed lane.

• The small hairdresser one

[w1bbles]

Getragdogleg said:

Leave it unlocked all the time so you can just get in it like its got keyless entry.

I already subscribe to that. Some of the C/L solenoids have gone into retirement.

[w1bbles]

FourWheelDrift said:

Download the latest brochure for the newest version of your car's dashboard, blow up the centre console tv screen, print it off (on a colour printer, doh!) and then stick it over your dash for the instant update fix.

That is inspired. Given that my Disco won't do over 80 without asmathic wheezing and clouds of black smoke, what should I pre-set the mph and revs at? Say 120mph and 2,000rpm?

If I set the temp. gauge at 'normal', can I ignore any future overheating issues?

[w1bbles]

toerag said:

record yourself giving directions then play it when you pull up next to someone at the traffic lights

It has satnav, although today was the first time I'd used it in years. It tried to get me to turn right onto the High Street in Glasgow. This was not allowed, as the signs indicated. Would my defence of, "I know occifer, but Selga told me to do it because she's working on a 2004 DVD" carry any weight in court?

[w1bbles]

toerag said:

get the Mrs to hide in the boot while you go shopping then open it from the inside when you approach

She's been in the boot since an argument we had in 2012.

[w1bbles]

0a said:

The black smoke is just part of the DPF regeneration cycle, remember

Again, inspired. Is that Diesel Parts F*cked? Because that would describe the state of my injectors.

[w1bbles]

Mr Snrub said:

Take off the entire front end next time you need to change a headlight bulb

If you're not familiar with Disco 3's, I don't have to pretend on that front ;-)

[w1bbles]

Matt UK said:

On the motorway place a brick on the accelerator - bingo, you have cruise control.

That's a plan. It used to have cruise control but if you press the '-' bit of the button all the warning lights come on and to fix it I have to pull over, switch off, wait 10 mins and start again. On the other hand if I press '+' all is good. A defence against speeding on the m/way? Trouble is (see earlier post) it tops out at 80 so limited scope here.

[w1bbles]

I think this thread is a gentle reminder that I need a new car!

[w1bbles]

jonah35 said:

Theres no need. According to ph you should just put a smelly old labrador in the back and some old shotgun cartridges and pretend youre 'old money' whilst scoffing at the peasants in their new cars.

Buy your wife an old subaru legacy and pretend she is also old money and drive around in jodhpurs at all times

There's already a smelly labrador in the back - helps with the ambience. For the animal-minded amongst us, she's not in there all the time. So don't report me to the RSPCA/Disco3 anti-cruelty league.

The jodhpurs thing - is that me or Mrs W1bbles? The sentence is a bit ambiguous. Neither of us has jodhpurs but if either of us was to have to wear them, her legs are better than mine. I don't have the 'powerfully built company director thing' going on. Even if I did, I don't think jodhpurs would work.

[w1bbles]

[redacted]

[w1bbles]

[redacted]

[w1bbles]

generationx said:

w1bbles awakens from 44 month slumber in a flurry of forum posts?

Fecking central locking failure - been stuck in the boot for a while ;-)