Discussion
A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'
The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'
The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'.
The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the green keeper. I'll have a word with him.'
'Hello, George! Said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my Ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave soles'
The Aussie said, 'Why can't they f X*# king play at night?'
The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'
The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'
The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'.
The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the green keeper. I'll have a word with him.'
'Hello, George! Said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my Ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave soles'
The Aussie said, 'Why can't they f X*# king play at night?'
A man saw a gorgeous blonde in the aisle at Tesco's stock still holding a carton of orange juice close to her face......
Ten minutes later he returned to the aisle and saw her in exactly the same spot doing the same thing...
A further 10 minutes went by and he realised he'd forgot something and went back the aisle and there she was motionless staring at the orange carton. He couldn't help himself and asked her what she was up to.
She answered
'It says concentrate'
Ten minutes later he returned to the aisle and saw her in exactly the same spot doing the same thing...
A further 10 minutes went by and he realised he'd forgot something and went back the aisle and there she was motionless staring at the orange carton. He couldn't help himself and asked her what she was up to.
She answered
'It says concentrate'
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticksit in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole!
The bartender screams at the guy, 'Did you see what your monkey just did?'
'No, what?'
'He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!'
'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy, 'he eats everything in sight.
Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.'
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him..He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.While the man is having his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. 'Did you see what your monkey did now?'
'No, what?' replied the man.
'Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!' said the bartender.
'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy. 'He still eats everything in
sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.'
The bartender screams at the guy, 'Did you see what your monkey just did?'
'No, what?'
'He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!'
'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy, 'he eats everything in sight.
Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.'
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him..He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.While the man is having his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. 'Did you see what your monkey did now?'
'No, what?' replied the man.
'Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!' said the bartender.
'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy. 'He still eats everything in
sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.'
> A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got one
> minute to get out!'
> The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you B*stard!'
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> Why are women like clouds? eventually they go away and its a really
> niceday
> ------------------------------------------------------------------
> A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat
> Chunky?'
> The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to
> him.
> 'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat Cow.'
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood
> rings so she could monitor my mood.
> We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I
> am in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on her forehead.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to
> check her balance.
> So I pushed her over.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating
> shuttlecocks.
> Bad minton.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an
> angel'.
> His dude replies 'You're so lucky. Mine is still alive...'
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------
> A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
> The librarian says; 'No way! you won't bring it back.'
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> 2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over
> 10 minutes.
> 'Crikey mate, that was impressive!'
> 'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My Wifes
> epileptic'
> minute to get out!'
> The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you B*stard!'
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> Why are women like clouds? eventually they go away and its a really
> niceday
> ------------------------------------------------------------------
> A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat
> Chunky?'
> The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to
> him.
> 'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat Cow.'
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood
> rings so she could monitor my mood.
> We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I
> am in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on her forehead.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to
> check her balance.
> So I pushed her over.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating
> shuttlecocks.
> Bad minton.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an
> angel'.
> His dude replies 'You're so lucky. Mine is still alive...'
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------
> A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
> The librarian says; 'No way! you won't bring it back.'
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> 2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over
> 10 minutes.
> 'Crikey mate, that was impressive!'
> 'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My Wifes
> epileptic'
SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF IRONY
Jay Fullmer, 38, became the first American to get to grips with the concept of irony.
"It was weird," Fullmer said. "I was in London and, like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather, eh?" and I thought "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather." Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.
Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use irony himself in future. "I'm, like, using it all the time," he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them to shit and I said "Hey, great weather!".
Jay Fullmer, 38, became the first American to get to grips with the concept of irony.
"It was weird," Fullmer said. "I was in London and, like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather, eh?" and I thought "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather." Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.
Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use irony himself in future. "I'm, like, using it all the time," he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them to shit and I said "Hey, great weather!".
Year 2 class comes in from playtime.
Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at playtime?"
Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."
The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."
She does and gets a chocolate Hobnob.
The teacher asks Michael what he did at playtime.
Michael says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."
The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."
Michael does, and gets a chocolate Hobnob. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Mohammad what he did at playtime.
He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Michael, but they threw rocks at me."
The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go to the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."
Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at playtime?"
Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."
The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."
She does and gets a chocolate Hobnob.
The teacher asks Michael what he did at playtime.
Michael says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."
The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."
Michael does, and gets a chocolate Hobnob. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Mohammad what he did at playtime.
He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Michael, but they threw rocks at me."
The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go to the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."
Jewish Sex: No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi. The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'
They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi. 'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'
Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly........
'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!!'!
They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi. 'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'
Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly........
'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!!'!
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right..'
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar'
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right..'
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar'
A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps,
ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the
window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman
opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting
to Watch."
"Listen, love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've
paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on
this train."
He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.
The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"
"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."
At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the
Window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined £200 for that!"
To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the Police smell your fingers."
ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the
window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman
opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting
to Watch."
"Listen, love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've
paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on
this train."
He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.
The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"
"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."
At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the
Window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined £200 for that!"
To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the Police smell your fingers."
A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about
thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that
the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the
other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet
when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach
the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct
the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said,
'You must be in year four.'
'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.'
went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about
thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that
the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the
other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet
when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach
the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct
the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said,
'You must be in year four.'
'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.'
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who This morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.
'Wow!' I was flabbergasted.
'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older
and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'
She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.
'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, gray-haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said, 'Don't worry, I've put on a few pounds myself!'
So I told her to piss off.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.
'Wow!' I was flabbergasted.
'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older
and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'
She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.
'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, gray-haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said, 'Don't worry, I've put on a few pounds myself!'
So I told her to piss off.
A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION...
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset!
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!'
And the husband replied 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last words you'll ever say to me!!
And the husband began --
'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was thin, poorly dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night - the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I went and found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas the one that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at that expensive shoe boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset!
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!'
And the husband replied 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last words you'll ever say to me!!
And the husband began --
'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was thin, poorly dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night - the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I went and found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas the one that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at that expensive shoe boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
Moses is sitting in the Egyptian ghetto, things are going terrible: the Pharoah won't even talk to him, the rest of the Hebrews are mad at him for making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He's about ready to give up.
Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice speaks from above: "You, Moses, heed Me. I have good news, and bad news."
Moses is staggered. The voice continues:
"You, Moses, will lead the people of Israel from bondage. If the pharoah refuses to release your bonds I will smote Egypt with a rain of frogs.
"You, Moses, will lead the people of Israel to the promised land. If the pharoah blocks your way I will smote Egypt with a plague of locusts.
"You, Moses, will lead the people to freedom and safety. If the pharoah's army pursues you, I will part the waters of the red sea to open your path to the promised land."
Moses is stunned. He stammers, "That's, that's fantastic, I can't believe it! - but what's the bad news?"
"You, Moses, must write the Environmental Impact Statement."
Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice speaks from above: "You, Moses, heed Me. I have good news, and bad news."
Moses is staggered. The voice continues:
"You, Moses, will lead the people of Israel from bondage. If the pharoah refuses to release your bonds I will smote Egypt with a rain of frogs.
"You, Moses, will lead the people of Israel to the promised land. If the pharoah blocks your way I will smote Egypt with a plague of locusts.
"You, Moses, will lead the people to freedom and safety. If the pharoah's army pursues you, I will part the waters of the red sea to open your path to the promised land."
Moses is stunned. He stammers, "That's, that's fantastic, I can't believe it! - but what's the bad news?"
"You, Moses, must write the Environmental Impact Statement."
During a rain delayed cricket match, the announcer used the time to share some cricket trivia with his co-presenter.
"You know who hit the most sixes between 1975 and 1985 ?. None other than Ian Botham".
"You know who took the most wickets between 1975 and 1985 ?. Also Ian Botham".
"And who got hit on the chin with the most balls between 1975 and 1985 ?".
"Was it Ian Botham ?" asked the fellow presenter.
"Nope, it was Michael Barrymore".
"You know who hit the most sixes between 1975 and 1985 ?. None other than Ian Botham".
"You know who took the most wickets between 1975 and 1985 ?. Also Ian Botham".
"And who got hit on the chin with the most balls between 1975 and 1985 ?".
"Was it Ian Botham ?" asked the fellow presenter.
"Nope, it was Michael Barrymore".
A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?'
'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time… What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.
.........................................................................
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a
pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.
............................................................................
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
..................................................................................
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disc.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?'
'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time… What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.
.........................................................................
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a
pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.
............................................................................
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
..................................................................................
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disc.
A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.
Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said 'If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering,I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.
So, who wants to go first ?'
The Englishman piped up. 'B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham', he said.
'That's no use, Trevor' said the speech therapist, 'Who's next ?'
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out 'P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley'.
That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.
How about you, Paddy ?
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out ' London '.
Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy added….
'-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry'.
Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said 'If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering,I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.
So, who wants to go first ?'
The Englishman piped up. 'B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham', he said.
'That's no use, Trevor' said the speech therapist, 'Who's next ?'
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out 'P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley'.
That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.
How about you, Paddy ?
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out ' London '.
Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy added….
'-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry'.
Another God one.....
An atheist was walking through the woods.
What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals! He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.
He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped.....The bear froze.......The forest was silent.
A bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer now?'
The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'
'Very Well,' said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke......
.
.
.
.
.
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive............'
An atheist was walking through the woods.
What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals! He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.
He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped.....The bear froze.......The forest was silent.
A bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer now?'
The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'
'Very Well,' said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke......
.
.
.
.
.
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive............'
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