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hora

18,843 posts

98 months

[news] 
Monday 3rd October 2011 quote quote all
drivin_me_nuts said:
And there is also a school of thought that says walking away is the easy thing to do. It's far harder to stay and deal with the adversity and difficulties than throw in the towel and run for the hills.

As for 'being a man'. Really?
My missus fancies Gary Barlow/XFactor and coo's over him - I don't know whether to feel not bothered or disgusted.

Jam Rock

428 posts

97 months

[news] 
Monday 3rd October 2011 quote quote all
^^^ he is gong to have to deal with the fallout regardless of staying with her or not... yes often it is harder to stay and deal with something than to walk, but that is the OP's decision, I am not commenting on that as such (I know what i would do and what i think the OP should do but that is the OP's choice).

I was just commenting that he should not take the blame for her actions no matter what!

and what is wrong with being a man? I am not suggesting I think we should be the prehistoric cave man/hunter gatherer type, nor am I suggesting we should be the drunk abusive womaniser type. There is a middle ground, the hard working honest family man/gentlemen that loves his wife and burns the candle at all ends to keep him and his loved ones in a comfortable lifestyle....but who does not take any st and expects honesty and loyalty of the same level that he himself provides.... I am afraid all this talk about being a "modern man" over the last decade etc has actually emasculated us all to the extent where we let ourselves be walked over by all in-sundry. Of-course not everyone is like that, but exceedingly it seems to be the norm frown


Jam

M@verick

976 posts

98 months

[news] 
Monday 3rd October 2011 quote quote all
Jam Rock said:
and what is wrong with being a man?
Nothing at all, but I think for us to be old school men, we would need old school women to be said men, with. Women have changed a lot too.

R.

Rude-boy

18,853 posts

120 months

[news] 
Monday 3rd October 2011 quote quote all
BrokenB.

Whilst I doubt that I could put myself in your shoes and come up with the same approach I for one admire that you are willing to give this another try. I doubt I could but I am not you.

Good luck but do please remember that no matter how much you and your wife hold you to blame for all of this she must share a little of that burden too. As they say two wrongs don't make a right and she will need to accept that part of your reconciliation will mean that you will be a lot more attentive to things other than just her relationship with you. It is natural in the situation and she must accept this or I sadly feel that there will be future mentions of her reacting in a way she knows you will listen to due to you 'trying to control her life'.

Long hard road but the very best of fortune to you.

irf

733 posts

112 months

[news] 
Monday 3rd October 2011 quote quote all
so in summary.

husband is inattentive, working all hours, is grumpy and moody, wife cheats with a work colleague of the husband, husband is to blame and has apologised for his behaviour and promises to do better?

something not quite right there.


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justayellowbadge

33,655 posts

129 months

[news] 
Monday 3rd October 2011 quote quote all
irf said:
so in summary.

husband is inattentive, working all hours, is grumpy and moody, wife cheats with a work colleague of the husband, husband is to blame and therefore wife leaves him, keeps the house and puts him through 4 years of court to get half an hour in a contact centre with the children who have forgotten him and call work bloke 'Daddy' now. Having lost his job and being declared bankrupt, OP now lives in a doorway. Wife's friends reckon he's just trying to avoid paying the wife and walk past his cardboard box laughing every now and then after a glass of wine or two.

something not quite right there.
Seem more realistic now?

Mazdarese

18,932 posts

74 months

[news] 
Monday 3rd October 2011 quote quote all
justayellowbadge said:
irf said:
so in summary.

husband is inattentive, working all hours, is grumpy and moody, wife cheats with a work colleague of the husband, husband is to blame and therefore wife leaves him, keeps the house and puts him through 4 years of court to get half an hour in a contact centre with the children who have forgotten him and call work bloke 'Daddy' now. Having lost his job and being declared bankrupt, OP now lives in a doorway. Wife's friends reckon he's just trying to avoid paying the wife and walk past his cardboard box laughing every now and then after a glass of wine or two.

something not quite right there.
Seem more realistic now?
Voice of experience? hehe

hora

18,843 posts

98 months

[news] 
Monday 3rd October 2011 quote quote all
irf said:
so in summary.

husband is inattentive, working all hours, is grumpy and moody, wife cheats with a work colleague of the husband, husband is to blame and has apologised for his behaviour and promises to do better?

something not quite right there.
Grumpy and moody? Or knocks her about? I don't see how working shifts/being grumpy can be to blame for someone conducting an affair?


Edited by hora on Monday 3rd October 13:34

broken biscuit

Original Poster:

1,582 posts

88 months

[news] 
Monday 3rd October 2011 quote quote all
when all you do is get up, work, come home, argue, pick at the pathetic things not done / done, sit down, play with the boy for half hour, collapse asleep on sofa, go bed, repeat but throw in late shifts and night shifts changing every couple of days, its bloody hard. when you barely speak to one another for days and dont tell each other what was going on in your head, you grow apart quickly. when you can argue and shout over the washing up, or mismatched socks, and cant see what the problem is with arguing, its hard.

Now, whilst she is sharing alot of the blame, and takes responsibility of the affair in its entirity, i am taking the majority of the blame for the whole situation over the last 3-4yrs, which has led to the breakdown of our marriage. In one way, i think she had the affair as a reason to go. she admits she would have told me, and expected me to boot her out. that would have been her justification to leave. When i told her i wanted to work it out, she didnt believe me. We are, hoever, working things through.

Whilst I appreciate every single response to this thread, I am aware of how much of a pathetic individual i may come across as. I don't care, I know what I want, I know how much i love her, and what i can / cannot forgive and move on from. I genuinely hope that i can resurrect this thread in a year or two, and be proud to say we worked through it, and are stronger than ever. Only time will tell.

julian64

10,473 posts

141 months

[news] 
Monday 3rd October 2011 quote quote all
broken biscuit said:
when all you do is get up, work, come home, argue, pick at the pathetic things not done / done, sit down, play with the boy for half hour, collapse asleep on sofa, go bed, repeat but throw in late shifts and night shifts changing every couple of days, its bloody hard. when you barely speak to one another for days and dont tell each other what was going on in your head, you grow apart quickly. when you can argue and shout over the washing up, or mismatched socks, and cant see what the problem is with arguing, its hard.

Now, whilst she is sharing alot of the blame, and takes responsibility of the affair in its entirity, i am taking the majority of the blame for the whole situation over the last 3-4yrs, which has led to the breakdown of our marriage. In one way, i think she had the affair as a reason to go. she admits she would have told me, and expected me to boot her out. that would have been her justification to leave. When i told her i wanted to work it out, she didnt believe me. We are, hoever, working things through.

Whilst I appreciate every single response to this thread, I am aware of how much of a pathetic individual i may come across as. I don't care, I know what I want, I know how much i love her, and what i can / cannot forgive and move on from. I genuinely hope that i can resurrect this thread in a year or two, and be proud to say we worked through it, and are stronger than ever. Only time will tell.
Look back to the very first post I did on this thread, and reflect on the fact that everything posted here is bks. There are only two people with a say in where your life goes from here, and the other one is not on this thread.

kVA

2,448 posts

92 months

[news] 
Monday 3rd October 2011 quote quote all
I've been doing a lot of thinking about long-term relationships recently (won't go into the reasons here) and have decided that, for me at least, they don't really make sense in most cases...

You are attracted to some lovely young thing (when you are also a reasonably handsome young thing yourself - in your head at least), start to date, find out there is lots in common and away you go: First few years are full of finding out new stuff about each other - starting with previous experiences before you met, then gradually learning about the differences in your daily lives when you're not actually in each other's presence and how you think about things, process new information, etc... Then (often very suddenly) a realisation that you think you know everything about each other already and start focussing on the things that irritate you and wish each other would change (and this is about the time you start posting rude comments about her on the 'Classic from the Mrs' thread wink )...

This is crunch time: Either the good stuff (everyday stuff) is so good that you can overlook the rest, or it isn't... If it is, and you have a little glitch, it is probably worth working through it and getting back to how you were, before maybe trying something new to get back to having something new to talk about... (Dare I say it, having a child or a pet often does this). If it isn't, then call it a day - having the child or the pet will just bring misery to a third body as well and will often become the source of future arguments and further discontent ('you never change the nappies / walk the dog / clean up the sick, etc...')

IMO, if you fall into the latter category and already have the child and it hasn't fixed the relationship - admit it to yourself first (this takes guts, but you haven't 'failed', you've just grown apart - it happens! Then try and separate as amicably as possible NOW! You will be happier, your ex will be happier, but most importantly, your kid(s) won't grow up associating you with arguments and shouting all the time!

In my mind the probability that two people turn out to be well suited for a lifetime is very, very small - we all change over time and after new experiences, traumas, financial and employment changes (things that you probably never talked about when you were first 'in love') and, unless you are very lucky, you will probably both have different reactions to these events and some of those will be deal-breakers! I know too many people like this (some very close to home) that stayed together out of loyalty alone, or because they made a promise 20 years ago, or that they think separation is 'failure' on their part. Don't become one of them - that's just sacrificing your own life and the chances are it will be wasted, as you'll carry on upsetting your child with your arguing, your wife will cheat again (but may be a bit more discreet about it in future and maybe you won't find out for sure - although the doubt will eat away at you and make your behaviour towards her worse and into the vicious circle you go...

A bitter and twisted viewpoint? Possibly...

(but happily recently single again and enjoying the freedom of thought that goes with it wink )

stuttgartmetal

6,796 posts

103 months

[news] 
Monday 3rd October 2011 quote quote all
Listen.

An affair doesn't happen in a marriage unless there's something wrong with it. Full stop.

Relationships are cycles. Sometimes the cycle is so long, it doesn't repeat itself, happy marriages.

Sometimes the cycle, in my case 7 years, and each time it repeats and repeats itself. In my case, cycle number 3.
You repair the marriage, but you cycle back to the end/beginning again.
Its important you recognise that. Some relationships are just not worth banging on with. It was always me that did the talking, and offered the change. I always felt guilty, she always thought she was right.
Thats Passive Aggressive for you. Wikipedia it. It'll completely open your eyes.

You may well forgive her, and deep down you will believe what you're doing is right, and how good and modern and loving and perfect you are for her, and how she'll see that and recognise that and will never ever ever turn you over but however in reality,she will, your relationship is over.
If she gave a flying f ck about you, she wouldn't have done it. Stop blaming yourself.

In a case of a big relationship breakdown, or divorce, you go through severaL stages. it's exactly like bereavement.
Denial, thats the first step. Deny it all.Its not happening.
Bargaining. Thats where you are Fella. You've bargained your way out of it, because the reality of splitting up is so huge, and the one being f cked over has feelings of rejection, and loss. You'll do everything to get her back, so your life will be the same. Anything. Any f cking thing.

I know, Ive been there.

In the next two years she'll be positionong herself to take you for the f cking lot, and I hesitate to add...you f cking mug. [sorry Fella]
Bit of straight talk.
You'll be able to tell easily when your Wife is lying when she talks to you.
You see her lips move.

Insist on a break, and either move out, which means you'll lose control, or get her to fo quick.

Your marriage is over, there's no way back, so move it on, don't kid youself 2 years down the road you bump this thread.
Two years down the road, unless you wise up, you'll be living in a f cking shop doorway with the methers. PH wil;l be the last thing on your mind.

Wise up
Forget any revenge, just secure your money, and switch her off.
There's no point in confronting her, just move on, or be f cked.

How's that for straight talk?


Edited by stuttgartmetal on Monday 3rd October 15:43

Welshbeef

18,260 posts

85 months

[news] 
Monday 3rd October 2011 quote quote all
Bad luck.
I have to say if I had been in your shoes and walked in finding her on said couch with him I doubt I would be able to restrain myself. At the very least he'd hve been thrown out of the house with brake fluid thrown over the roof bonnet and doors of his car. (joking on the car bit I'd have thrown him out).

You have to think hard about this situation.
1. You have a child - if you didnt then its different but if you did split then the child will have a broken home. Sure there are plenty where this has zero detrimental effect but there are countless where it isnt.

2. As far as money and assets are concerned firstly she has cheated on you not the other way round.

3. Talk to her. If you cannot talk rationally say that you are going to write down a lists of wants and for her to do the same (from a relationship scenario) and then what are you getting i.e. where is it going wrong.

4. You may or may not be able to forgive her - possibly you could do the same and then its "equal"Could she forgive you??

5. (maybe she wanted you to be involved - I'll getmy coat).

Actus Reus

2,370 posts

42 months

[news] 
Monday 3rd October 2011 quote quote all
@bb - good luck mate. That's about all I can say. I'm not married, never have been, but came close when I was much younger, and it turned out she was a cheating bh - though simply because she was a dirty little slapper, not because of my inattention.

I've put my other half through a little of what you describe, but was able to listen to her and subsequently we're patching things up quite nicely now, and back on the road to things being good, if not great, again. Only word of advice I would offer is that you shouldn't be too hard on yourself - maybe you've made mistakes, and acknowledging that is good, but she still was in the wrong too. I reckon you've both got to come to the table appreciating that neither has acted perfectly, and be willing to both make an effort - if you can do that, you've got a chance.

Also, checked your profile - Almera GTi? Brilliant cars those - well done wink

hora

18,843 posts

98 months

[news] 
Monday 3rd October 2011 quote quote all
+ what happens when times are hard and you have to work late? Do you have to stay jovial and jolly now from now on and wonder if you are giving enough merriment?


Saying all this its your prerogative after all. If you don't try you'll never be able to look back and say 'fixed or at least I tried' smile

julian64

10,473 posts

141 months

[news] 
Monday 3rd October 2011 quote quote all
stuttgartmetal said:
Listen.

An affair doesn't happen in a marriage unless there's something wrong with it. Full stop.

Relationships are cycles. Sometimes the cycle is so long, it doesn't repeat itself, happy marriages.

Sometimes the cycle, in my case 7 years, and each time it repeats and repeats itself. In my case, cycle number 3.
You repair the marriage, but you cycle back to the end/beginning again.
Its important you recognise that. Some relationships are just not worth banging on with. It was always me that did the talking, and offered the change. I always felt guilty, she always thought she was right.
Thats Passive Aggressive for you. Miki it. It'll completely open your eyes.

You may well forgive her, and deep down you will believe what you're doing is right, and how good and modern and loving and perfect you are for her, and how she'll see that and recognise that and will never ever ever turn you over but however in reality,she will, your relationship is over.
If she gave a flying f ck about you, she wouldn't have done it. Stop blaming yourself.

In a case of a big relationship breakdown, or divorce, you go through severaL stages. it's exactly like bereavement.
Denial, thats the first step. Deny it all.Its not happening.
Bargaining. Thats where you are Fella. You've bargained your way out of it, because the reality of splitting up is so huge, and the one being f cked over has feelings of rejection, and loss. You'll do everything to get her back, so your life will be the same. Anything. Any f cking thing.

I know, Ive been there.

In the next two years she'll be positionong herself to take you for the f cking lot, and I hesitate to add...you f cking mug. [sorry Fella]
Bit of straight talk.
You'll be able to tell easily when your Wife is lying when she talks to you.
You see her lips move.

Insist on a break, and either move out, which means you'll lose control, or get her to fo quick.

Your marriage is over, there's no way back, so move it on, don't kid youself 2 years down the road you bump this thread.
Two years down the road, unless you wise up, you'll be living in a f cking shop doorway with the methers. PH wil;l be the last thing on your mind.

Wise up
Forget any revenge, just secure your money, and switch her off.
There's no point in confronting her, just move on, or be f cked.

How's that for straight talk?
Its not straight talk its bks. You are imprinting your relationship problems over his story. You've decided that a relationship cannot be saved post infidelity because its your experience.

Ask yourself how much you really know about these two people and their relationship before you give advice that could change his life.

For that matter the same could be said of everyone on this thread.

Posting for marriage advice on the internet is very very stupid.

M@verick

976 posts

98 months

[news] 
Monday 3rd October 2011 quote quote all
julian64 said:
For that matter the same could be said of everyone on this thread.

Posting for marriage advice on the internet is very very stupid.
Well that's all of us told.

R.

stuttgartmetal

6,796 posts

103 months

[news] 
Monday 3rd October 2011 quote quote all
julian64 said:
stuttgartmetal said:
Listen.

An affair doesn't happen in a marriage unless there's something wrong with it. Full stop.

Relationships are cycles. Sometimes the cycle is so long, it doesn't repeat itself, happy marriages.

Sometimes the cycle, in my case 7 years, and each time it repeats and repeats itself. In my case, cycle number 3.
You repair the marriage, but you cycle back to the end/beginning again.
Its important you recognise that. Some relationships are just not worth banging on with. It was always me that did the talking, and offered the change. I always felt guilty, she always thought she was right.
Thats Passive Aggressive for you. Miki it. It'll completely open your eyes.

You may well forgive her, and deep down you will believe what you're doing is right, and how good and modern and loving and perfect you are for her, and how she'll see that and recognise that and will never ever ever turn you over but however in reality,she will, your relationship is over.
If she gave a flying f ck about you, she wouldn't have done it. Stop blaming yourself.

In a case of a big relationship breakdown, or divorce, you go through severaL stages. it's exactly like bereavement.
Denial, thats the first step. Deny it all.Its not happening.
Bargaining. Thats where you are Fella. You've bargained your way out of it, because the reality of splitting up is so huge, and the one being f cked over has feelings of rejection, and loss. You'll do everything to get her back, so your life will be the same. Anything. Any f cking thing.

I know, Ive been there.

In the next two years she'll be positionong herself to take you for the f cking lot, and I hesitate to add...you f cking mug. [sorry Fella]
Bit of straight talk.
You'll be able to tell easily when your Wife is lying when she talks to you.
You see her lips move.

Insist on a break, and either move out, which means you'll lose control, or get her to fo quick.

Your marriage is over, there's no way back, so move it on, don't kid youself 2 years down the road you bump this thread.
Two years down the road, unless you wise up, you'll be living in a f cking shop doorway with the methers. PH wil;l be the last thing on your mind.

Wise up
Forget any revenge, just secure your money, and switch her off.
There's no point in confronting her, just move on, or be f cked.

How's that for straight talk?
Its not straight talk its bks. You are imprinting your relationship problems over his story. You've decided that a relationship cannot be saved post infidelity because its your experience.

Ask yourself how much you really know about these two people and their relationship before you give advice that could change his life.

For that matter the same could be said of everyone on this thread.

Posting for marriage advice on the internet is very very stupid.
What I suggest you do Julian, is to FO out of here and visit Wikivorce.com
A website specifically for people going through this nightmare.
There you'll find the same story over and over again.
Seen it, been there, and read the book.
I don't have to know people, what I do know, from experience, is human behaviour, and the same old same old story repeated over and over again.
Give it another try?
Sure, yep, she's bringing home guys to f ck, and some 28 year old masters graduste will sort it out for them in in conselling.

Wake up and smell the coffee.



justayellowbadge

33,655 posts

129 months

[news] 
Monday 3rd October 2011 quote quote all
stuttgartmetal said:
Wake up and smell the coffee.
As in 'My husband is working late, do you want to come in for a'?

julian64

10,473 posts

141 months

[news] 
Monday 3rd October 2011 quote quote all
M@verick said:
julian64 said:
For that matter the same could be said of everyone on this thread.

Posting for marriage advice on the internet is very very stupid.
Well that's all of us told.

R.
I don't mean it to sound quite so parental, but I find it very frustrating that this chap want to take the equivalent of a poll on what to do with the rest of his life.

Its like watching an episode of Jerry Springer, and wondering why those people ever agreed to be on the TV to air their problems when they knew the level of ridicule and the standard of replies they were likely to get.

Most of the time I couldn't give a moo, but every so often someone posts who sounds in genuine pain.

Probably I'm just being gullable. Anyway, I guess its stupid to keep trying to get him to do something, when what he really wants to do is post on the internet.

Appologies everyone, I'mmm ooooot. smile
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