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davepoth

Original Poster:

23,529 posts

87 months

[news] 
Thursday 28th June 2012 quote quote all
For the last couple of days, my mother has been very angry with me because I didn't realise that it was the anniversary of the day that my father died (it was three years ago).

I miss my dad so much, and I think of him a lot, but I really don't want to remember the day that we sat in hospital and watched the life ebb out of him. The day before the anniversary, I was having a conversation with someone from the factory he worked at, and we were discussing the annual cricket game there.

She was asking for fielding tips and I said "the ground falls away at one end - if you stand there, nobody can see that you're drinking cider, since that's what my Dad always used to do". I like to remember the good times. smile

My mother is using every opportunity she walks past me to harangue me about how I don't care about him, or her, or anyone else but myself, and while I really would like to have a shouting match with her about it I know that's not fair because she's grieving and that's the way she feels. I just wish she could accept that someone might feel a little different about it.

Am I being an ass, or do other people not like to remember and commemorate death anniversaries?


MrMoonyMan

2,051 posts

99 months

[news] 
Thursday 28th June 2012 quote quote all
You're not being an ass. She is hurting and the date is another, extra, reminder of what she's lost.

Apologise, give her a hug and talk about your good memories.

doogz

23,494 posts

75 months

[news] 
Thursday 28th June 2012 quote quote all
I always make a point of giving my Mum a call on Dad's birthday, and the anniversary of the day he died, but we don't really talk about it. We both know why I'm calling her, but what are you supposed to say?

It was ten years last month. And it sounds like it was a similar situation, he became ill very quickly, and totally unexpectedly, but then we had 24 hours of sitting in a hospital room, waiting for the inevitable to happen.

Chin up mate, and try not to fall out with your Mum. You realise parents aren't going to be around for ever, you don't want your last words to her to be something horrible.

davepoth

Original Poster:

23,529 posts

87 months

[news] 
Thursday 28th June 2012 quote quote all
doogz said:
Chin up mate, and try not to fall out with your Mum. You realise parents aren't going to be around for ever, you don't want your last words to her to be something horrible.
Absolutely - I'm just a bit angry that she keeps telling me I don't care when I do. I can't tell her what I want to say since that will upset her more, so I've just been sitting here and taking it. I just don't feel like that day is one that I want to think about - there were plenty of good times that I'd rather celebrate.

Digga

13,892 posts

171 months

[news] 
Thursday 28th June 2012 quote quote all
Perhaps worth the two of you discussing the fact that people all deal with loss and grief in different ways - there is no definitive right or wrong to it.
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theboyfold

8,963 posts

114 months

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Thursday 28th June 2012 quote quote all
Saturday will be ten years since my mum passed away and the two things that I've found are that time heals and the first of everything are the hardest (first year / first christmas / first birthday) and after that things slowly get easier.

Clearly your mum is grieving in a different way to you, which is understandable and normal.

Catch your mum at a good moment and sit down and speak with her, essentially you have the same love and feelings towards your Dad, so falling out over something you agree on is silly.

Zippee

10,191 posts

122 months

[news] 
Thursday 28th June 2012 quote quote all
You're not being an ass at all. End of the day it's just a date not a milestone.
That said, 2nd June this year at 18:40 pm I raised a G&T to my Dad who died that moment last year. Though I chose to do this provately and wouldn't dream of caring about how others dealt with it or saw me.
His birthday though I pop to the memorial gardens and have a private chat about whats been happening etc.

Steamer

9,381 posts

101 months

[news] 
Thursday 28th June 2012 quote quote all
Never really understood the 'celebrating the day someone died' mentality - sure raise a glass, visit the grave, but would it not be healthier to celebrate their life on the day they were born?

kazste

2,148 posts

86 months

[news] 
Thursday 28th June 2012 quote quote all
Speak to her, but make sure you know what your going to say and remember he's your dad and her husband therefore I'm guessing loved by you both but missed and remembered in different ways. Make sure this point is understood and does not become an issue.
In short go round there with some flowers have a chat sort it out and make sure your both comfortable in how you toast the memory.

aw51 121565

4,143 posts

121 months

[news] 
Thursday 28th June 2012 quote quote all
She is upset because of the anniversary; I am sure it isn't aimed personally at you, although it might seem that way smile .

My first wife Wendy died 9 years ago last February, and I always get texts from my mum on Wendy's birthday, the date we got married and the day she passed on. I wish my mum wouldn't send these texts (for a few reasons I can't really explain without taking the thread over), but there we go.

Only my mum sent me a text for Wendy's birthday a day early this month redface . She was falling over herself with apologies once this was pointed out, but I just let it go (I don't think she believed she got away with this as I normally don't let things like this drop, but things are different this year with a spell of ill health that's ongoing and I can't be bothered).

I still get extremely grumpy around the time of year when Wendy passed on though - even 9 years later, I'm best avoided in the last 2 weeks of February...

Of course, what I feel about Wendy's passing and what my mum feels about it are two different things. I've never spoken in such terms with my mum, and don't really want to. Incidentally, I've since remarried.

But naturally, OP, your view and memories of your dad will be different to your mum's view and memories of her husband and the father of her son. It is FINE for you to think how you do about him; that your mum feels differently is her perogative, and she's quite right to feel how she does (about the same person, let us not forget, but in different roles) as well.

As I say, I am 100% positive it's nothing personal against you smile . Possibly just sheer frustration at her loss that needs to be channeled out somewhere as her emotions run high at the moment? She might also perceive that she feels offended on behalf of your father, and this might well be linked to her loss of the father of her son (as well as the loss of her husband) and - again - I am sure it isn't anything personal smile ?

I'd say, just be patient and give your mum time to come round and let the dust settle after the anniversary.


Hysteria1983

1,594 posts

46 months

[news] 
Thursday 28th June 2012 quote quote all
You are not being an ass at all.

We all dear with the death of our loved ones differently, it can take some people a lot longer to come to terms with the loss, while others can move forward and look to the future and remember the good times.

I think the best thing to do is just explain that you are feeling different about it than your mum, but you understand what she is going through.

When my dad died last year it was a massive shock because it was unexpected, and I think it took my mum a while to come to terms with it. She was on auto pilot for quite some time which I feel stopped her being able to grieve.
It's been almost 18 months and she has only just started to come to terms with him being gone.
However it gets easier for her as time goes on.

I on the other hand took it real hard from the moment I found out. I cried pretty much all night the first night and I threw up twice. Even now I forget sometimes that he's not here anymore and then feel this awful loss of breath. BUT on the good days I think fondly of him and talk about him lots, especially with my children.

You are not alone in how you feel. We all cope with death differently and there is no right or wrong way, it's just hard when we see people who seem to be handling it differently as we expect people to feel the same way as ourselves.

PH hug for you smile

Carfiend

3,186 posts

97 months

[news] 
Thursday 28th June 2012 quote quote all
Two days ago was the two year anniversary of my father passing away. I didn't do anything for it since I am still angry that he ignored his family, his friends, his doctors and his own common sense and drank himself into an early grave.

He made my grandparents who worked hard their whole life and never done anything to anyone have to stand their and watch their son being buried. I am not sure if I can ever forgive him.

james12345

331 posts

124 months

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Thursday 28th June 2012 quote quote all
theboyfold said:
Saturday will be ten years since my mum passed away...
Mine too - ten years this Saturday.

Me, my brother and my dad never really mention the "day" itself since she died; we're all aware of it, but all deal with it in our own ways. I much prefer to remember my mum from when she was full of life, rather than the last six months when she quickly deteriorated with cancer. Her birthday is when I remember her most, and on the anniversary of her death, it can be quite late in the day when I realise that it's that day, and a couple of years it's been the next day that I remember.

Everyone deals with it in their own way; perhaps a chat with your mum telling her that you prefer to remember a good time / anniversary of your dad, rather than the anniversary of his death may go a long way to making her understand about how you feel, rather than it all being about how she feels.

On the other hand, perhaps leaving it for a while before that chat is best, as she's clearly hurting at the moment.

GC8

15,229 posts

78 months

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Thursday 28th June 2012 quote quote all
OP: I think that it is quite common to completely 'forget'. We all know the dates, of course, but I suspect that we subconsciously put it out of our minds.

My mother died when I was young and a significant anniversary passed this February. Id thought about it for weeks beforehand, but I completely failed to realise the relevance of the date as it passed and continued to for two or three days afterwards.

In over twenty years that I recall, I have 'forgotten' many times more than I have remembered.

magooagain

983 posts

58 months

[news] 
Friday 29th June 2012 quote quote all
I seem to have conditioned myself to remembering my parents birthdays not thier passing and as they are two days apart i celibrate them. OP, as time passes it wont hurt so much,be patient with your mother.

Jasandjules

52,173 posts

117 months

[news] 
Friday 29th June 2012 quote quote all
Digga said:
Perhaps worth the two of you discussing the fact that people all deal with loss and grief in different ways - there is no definitive right or wrong to it.
This. You want to remember the good times, she has a different method. But you each grieve.

KaraK

11,728 posts

97 months

[news] 
Friday 29th June 2012 quote quote all
I honestly struggle to remember the date my dad died. I don't mean that I know the date and it just passes me by - I actually couldn't tell you the date without looking it up, my brain simply doesn't want to retain that bit of information.

Pothole

20,399 posts

170 months

[news] 
Friday 29th June 2012 quote quote all
davepoth said:
doogz said:
Chin up mate, and try not to fall out with your Mum. You realise parents aren't going to be around for ever, you don't want your last words to her to be something horrible.
Absolutely - I'm just a bit angry that she keeps telling me I don't care when I do. I can't tell her what I want to say since that will upset her more, so I've just been sitting here and taking it. I just don't feel like that day is one that I want to think about - there were plenty of good times that I'd rather celebrate.
Take a step back and really think it through. What you have to say may upset her more now, but will it possibly make this time of year easier on both of you in the future? Sometimes we really do have to be cruel to be kind. Also, think about the different ways you can say what you need to say, you don't need to be over cruel!

Perhaps a couple of weeks time might be the best time to approach it. Sit her down and talk calmly. Do your best not to get upset or lose your temper even if she does. It might help.

NB. I am not a trained counsellor and may well be talking bks.

KardioKate

1,584 posts

42 months

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Friday 29th June 2012 quote quote all
Sort of relevant to this topic. Today is a friend's uncle's first birthday since he died in a car crash. They still haven't had the inquest yet, so there's no closure for the family and it's especially hard for his twin brother.

It's just a desperately sad situation, and I can fully understand people 'forgetting' such dates in an attempt to block them out. For example the alive twin won't celebrate his own birthday now. He just doesn't want to know.

GC8

15,229 posts

78 months

[news] 
Saturday 30th June 2012 quote quote all
KaraK said:
I honestly struggle to remember the date my dad died. I don't mean that I know the date and it just passes me by - I actually couldn't tell you the date without looking it up, my brain simply doesn't want to retain that bit of information.
Perfectly normal and quite common too, think.
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