Advice from people separated with children.

[marky1983]

Hi guys
Just after a little bit of advice as to what to do.
I'm separated with a two year old and pay a fair sum of maintenance each month (quarter of my wages). Tonight I have seen my daughter and the ex has asked for even more money from me as she says she wants to send her to nursery two mornings a week. I have told her I already pay enough and what she gets is far more than what she needs per week.

She then played the guilt trip on me and now I don't no what to do. In my head I no I shouldn't pay more and that my daughter won't lose out but my heart is saying little one should go nursery and I might be stopping that.

Has anyone else had these problems and what was the outcome. Am I right to stand my ground or should I pay extra.

Just for the record I do obviously buy my daughter stuff and not just pay the maintenance and then leave everything she needs to come out of that money.

Thanks mark

[Mobile Chicane]

While your daughter is in nursery, your ex could be working.

Just a thought.

[rhinochopig]

Nursery is a hugely beneficial life experience for kids, but MC is correct.

My mate is going through the same stuff re: schools (private) at the moment and it's not easy. You have my sympathies.

[marky1983]

MC you could have just helped me big time. I been thinking so many things and her working a couple of mornings a week would cover that and probably not affect other money she gets.

[Neilsfirst]

Tough one to call, but if you feel that it is more than fair stand your ground. Check out the CSA website and use their calculator to show her how generous you are.
The fact that she wants to send her to nursery means she can go and work to cover the extra cost.
This is not going to be easy and she will lay the guilt on you but she needs to learn to support your daughter as well.

[Justayellowbadge]

CSA liability is 15%

[PHmember]

Really difficult one to answer, you're already giving her nearly double what the CSA recommend, but it really depends on how much cash you have spare each month after that & YOUR living expenses. If you're struggling, then no, if you've got plenty spare, the option to give more is there.

[Murray993]

It a tough one. I think you can claim some tax back if you pay it direct perhaps you could come to a compromise with her about paying her a little less and then paying the whole lot and getting the tax back to help you. So whilst you might contribute a bit more it doesn't cripple you with the extra you will have to pay. Your daughter get the benefit, your ex can work a little and you can get a little help from HMRC.

[Plotloss]

Justayellowbadge said:

CSA liability is 15%

Less the number of nights with the NRP.

[rhinochopig]

wouldn't it be free anyway as you do get some free hours.

ETA Just checked with my O/H you get 15 hours free a week.

[oldcynic]

Neilsfirst said:

Check out the CSA website and use their calculator to show her how generous you are.

Agree completely with this. My wife's ex was threatening to reduce his already pitiful maintenance contribution and ended up in a blazing row where he threatened to pay nothing. Referred the case to the CSA and his contribution more than doubled - but strangely he's never mentioned it since! (I suspect with hindsight that he was getting grief from his new wife for paying so much, and being assessed by the CSA removed the emotions and choice from the situation)

[marky1983]

I was just going to say I can afford to do this at the moment as I have moved back home but am saving to get my own place again so the money isn't gonna be spare for long and I dont want the ex playing the same game in a few months when I can't spare the money. We made an agreement not to go CSS as she not entitled to much that way and I don't want my daughter losing out but obviously there is a line it has to stop at

[Mobile Chicane]

marky1983 said:

I was just going to say I can afford to do this at the moment as I have moved back home but am saving to get my own place again so the money isn't gonna be spare for long and I dont want the ex playing the same game in a few months when I can't spare the money. We made an agreement not to go CSS as she not entitled to much that way and I don't want my daughter losing out but obviously there is a line it has to stop at

You need to be careful here.

As a friend of mine found out (the hard way) the level at which you're currently paying could be deemed as what you can comfortably afford... for ever more.

This was a few years ago now, and the law / practice may have changed. IMHO you need legal advice.

[Ozone]

marky1983 said:

We made an agreement not to go CSS as she not entitled to much that way

Mark, will she stick to that agreement? My ex wanted 80% from me and i ended up going to the CSA to get guidance, they couldn't have been more helpful and i got a case worker assigned to me. The general opinion is that the CSA will rip you a new one but that wasn't the case for me. You can always call them for advice or go the their website for guidance you don't have to go through them when it comes to payments, i didn't, they just wanted proof of income and told me what i needed to pay and let me get on with it. I hope you get it sorted, the guilt trips can go on until your child is 18.

[996 sps]

Simply tell her to jog on, I went through all this in 2005 and she still trys it on now, new school shoes, new gymnsatic outfit, new swimming kit, new school uniform.

But when I'm driving to Manchester to Wales and booking a hotel so I can see my daughter, or the runs from Wales to Manchester to Beds so I can have her for the weekend they'll be no offer ot fuel money or meeting me anywhere. Thing is I no my monies most probably go on her mortgage not my daughter. She get what I have to give her nothing more, they ll only keep taking, as long as its fair and legal then it is what it is, don't be stitched up.

I had to pay for court costs just for access in 2007, but great feeling when I got what I wanted, sorry don't mean to thread hijack but you sound like a decent bloke. Stay strong.

[marky1983]

Ozone said:

Mark, will she stick to that agreement? My ex wanted 80% from me and i ended up going to the CSA to get guidance, they couldn't have been more helpful and i got a case worker assigned to me. The general opinion is that the CSA will rip you a new one but that wasn't the case for me. You can always call them for advice or go the their website for guidance you don't have to go through them when it comes to payments, i didn't, they just wanted proof of income and told me what i needed to pay and let me get on with it. I hope you get it sorted, the guilt trips can go on until your child is 18.

When we split there was a few arguments. She knows that I'm not afraid of going through courts and csa because the agreements we have work in her favour and if got messy she would come out worse off so it's in her interests not to take the pee. I wouldn't want to go that route and if it did then the money the ex would lose would be put in an account for when daughter is older. I have already forward planned for the worst cases. Wasn't expecting her to put this one on me though knowing she gets more than she is entitled to. I don't want to sound like I'm being selfish though but the way she put it is would I pay half the fee and the way I see it is I'm already paying it so indirectly I would be paying for the whole amount.

[K77 CTR]

Have you missed the earlier post by someone stating that she's entitled to 15 FREE hours per week?

[marky1983]

K77 CTR said:

Have you missed the earlier post by someone stating that she's entitled to 15 FREE hours per week?

Should have replied to this earlier. This only applies to 3 and over and she just turned 2

[Ozone]

Obviously i don't know how you get on but if your ex feels you've withheld money would she get awkward about contact? Mine used the nuclear option of no contact and it's stayed that way (i'm not going to discuss it here).

You need to try and talk/reason with the ex about it if at all possible.

[996 sps]

Ozone said:

Obviously i don't know how you get on but if your ex feels you've withheld money would she get awkward about contact? Mine used the nuclear option of no contact and it's stayed that way (i'm not going to discuss it here).

You need to try and talk/reason with the ex about it if at all possible.

Mine tried the "nuclear contact" option and that's when I went straight to a solicitor and got the ball rolling.