PistonSlap Issue 2
Discussion
Excellent...
PetrolTed had to edit some bits out for space reasons, so here are the bits that got away - including Derestrictor in all his glory... 
Commenting on the sale, Griff2be revealed: “I know that Gran wanted to help my racing career, and she’s done just that. I’m sure she’ll give Ann many years of excellent service. She makes a mean strawberry shortbread and can pick up the phones if her hearing aid is on a low setting.
“In fact, it was just one highlight of a very successful day. A few moments later I managed to get Insane Racing to sponsor my forehead, a permanently visible part of my body when walking around the paddock. I am booked in for the tattoo next Wednesday. It will read ‘Get ahead with Insane Racing’. Yes, it’s silly. Yes, it’s painful. But with another 275 quid in the kitty, I can hardly complain.”
‘Porschia Boxstaaar’ enters singles chart at Number 1.
A novelty record recorded live at PistonFest has entered the national billboard music charts in pole position. Sung to the tune of ‘Mull of Kintyre’ by a loose ensemble of TVR owners headed up by a character called ‘Flasher’, the song pillories owners of the popular German luxury convertible.
Resident PistonHeads Porsche spokesperson, Iguana, claimed the song had been composed to deliberately antagonise him during drinking activities on Saturday night. “I had barely mentioned Speed Six finger followers when Flasher started chanting that I was a ‘hairdresser’ with a ‘Porschia Boxstaaar’. Neither of which is true, although I do quite like the Boxster S for its blend of handling, performance and cupholders.”
The last laugh could be Iguana’s, though. He has already had discussions with Simon Cowell about wearing his trouser waistband a bit higher and launching a retaliatory hit single about TVRs. “The working title is ‘They All Do That Sir’,” explained Iguana, with a mischievous look in his eye.
Dear Derestrictor
Every issue, Derestrictor answers your motoring queries in his own inimitable style.
Question:
I am famous for being a bit of a studmuffin and my reputation with the ladies is legendary on PH. However, I am sure my pulling power could improve with the right vehicle. I currently cruise the Southampton nite spots and kebab emporia in a Seat Leon VVTTiii. What do you recommend as being the ultimate Lurrrve Machine?
[Name and address withheld at Mungo’s request]
Answer:
It would seem that your present location suggests a maritime connection and this has caused me to contemplate suitable alternatives for one with such a proximity to the scent des poissons, as it were.
I would have thought ladies of the locale to be predisposed, in the main – following centuries of nautical nookie – to the white and horizontally
styled blue T-shirted hoopism of the traditional young ruttismo of the Navy's seaman.
Thus, land based craft might be missing the point entirely. A fumble 'neath the hood of some inadequately confined sports or supercar may be of limited use as you head inland but assuming no domestic relocation may I humbly suggest you switch your attentions to seacraft?
The latest hovering dildo from SeaDoo or some other such preposterously titled manufacturer may see you attract the passing gaze of more fillies of
the stiletto blanc but if you wish to vie for the affections of a more mature and rewarding audience – the captain's wife or the harbour master's most comely daughter, then you are going to have to ratchet up your sights
considerably and retask your strategem.
For the first category, little is bound to impress more than a Predator 80 from the Ferrari of the sea, Sunseeker. Indeed, if you can afford one of
these and intend to cruise the bays and rivulets of the North Med, I am confident the manufacturer will ensure you are never without the attention
of at least several pit lane rejects from the last Monaco GP.
Moving up market, however and it may be advisable to assume the sassy swagger of a '50's or 60's Hollywood icon with the easy cravated saunter of Dean Martin, the irresistable demureness of the late great G.Peckory or perhaps the artificial custody of Shell Oil, Antoninus Curtissimo – and buy the Aston Martin DB4 Zagato of the swanky harbour set – in the form of a simply timeless Riva speedboat.
In the latter, lucky tarts the length and breadth of The Riviera will undoubtedly be stargazing all year round, especially washed up chancers of the casino scene.
So there you have it. Keep the wheels and hit the drink. (Just please remove those interminable purple neon tubes from under yo side vallances.
Immediately.)
Your advisor in all things nautical,
Admiral Reichtenshlaub.
Commenting on the sale, Griff2be revealed: “I know that Gran wanted to help my racing career, and she’s done just that. I’m sure she’ll give Ann many years of excellent service. She makes a mean strawberry shortbread and can pick up the phones if her hearing aid is on a low setting.
“In fact, it was just one highlight of a very successful day. A few moments later I managed to get Insane Racing to sponsor my forehead, a permanently visible part of my body when walking around the paddock. I am booked in for the tattoo next Wednesday. It will read ‘Get ahead with Insane Racing’. Yes, it’s silly. Yes, it’s painful. But with another 275 quid in the kitty, I can hardly complain.”
‘Porschia Boxstaaar’ enters singles chart at Number 1.
A novelty record recorded live at PistonFest has entered the national billboard music charts in pole position. Sung to the tune of ‘Mull of Kintyre’ by a loose ensemble of TVR owners headed up by a character called ‘Flasher’, the song pillories owners of the popular German luxury convertible.
Resident PistonHeads Porsche spokesperson, Iguana, claimed the song had been composed to deliberately antagonise him during drinking activities on Saturday night. “I had barely mentioned Speed Six finger followers when Flasher started chanting that I was a ‘hairdresser’ with a ‘Porschia Boxstaaar’. Neither of which is true, although I do quite like the Boxster S for its blend of handling, performance and cupholders.”
The last laugh could be Iguana’s, though. He has already had discussions with Simon Cowell about wearing his trouser waistband a bit higher and launching a retaliatory hit single about TVRs. “The working title is ‘They All Do That Sir’,” explained Iguana, with a mischievous look in his eye.
Dear Derestrictor
Every issue, Derestrictor answers your motoring queries in his own inimitable style.
Question:
I am famous for being a bit of a studmuffin and my reputation with the ladies is legendary on PH. However, I am sure my pulling power could improve with the right vehicle. I currently cruise the Southampton nite spots and kebab emporia in a Seat Leon VVTTiii. What do you recommend as being the ultimate Lurrrve Machine?
[Name and address withheld at Mungo’s request]
Answer:
It would seem that your present location suggests a maritime connection and this has caused me to contemplate suitable alternatives for one with such a proximity to the scent des poissons, as it were.
I would have thought ladies of the locale to be predisposed, in the main – following centuries of nautical nookie – to the white and horizontally
styled blue T-shirted hoopism of the traditional young ruttismo of the Navy's seaman.
Thus, land based craft might be missing the point entirely. A fumble 'neath the hood of some inadequately confined sports or supercar may be of limited use as you head inland but assuming no domestic relocation may I humbly suggest you switch your attentions to seacraft?
The latest hovering dildo from SeaDoo or some other such preposterously titled manufacturer may see you attract the passing gaze of more fillies of
the stiletto blanc but if you wish to vie for the affections of a more mature and rewarding audience – the captain's wife or the harbour master's most comely daughter, then you are going to have to ratchet up your sights
considerably and retask your strategem.
For the first category, little is bound to impress more than a Predator 80 from the Ferrari of the sea, Sunseeker. Indeed, if you can afford one of
these and intend to cruise the bays and rivulets of the North Med, I am confident the manufacturer will ensure you are never without the attention
of at least several pit lane rejects from the last Monaco GP.
Moving up market, however and it may be advisable to assume the sassy swagger of a '50's or 60's Hollywood icon with the easy cravated saunter of Dean Martin, the irresistable demureness of the late great G.Peckory or perhaps the artificial custody of Shell Oil, Antoninus Curtissimo – and buy the Aston Martin DB4 Zagato of the swanky harbour set – in the form of a simply timeless Riva speedboat.
In the latter, lucky tarts the length and breadth of The Riviera will undoubtedly be stargazing all year round, especially washed up chancers of the casino scene.
So there you have it. Keep the wheels and hit the drink. (Just please remove those interminable purple neon tubes from under yo side vallances.
Immediately.)
Your advisor in all things nautical,
Admiral Reichtenshlaub.
Ice cream girl as viewed by the ratpack and others
www.theratpac.com/img/lemans2003/ratpac_lemans162.jpg
www.theratpac.com/img/lemans2003/ratpac_lemans162.jpg
iguana said:
Cheeky rascal- I have never owned a sheepskin coat and I bid a whole £2 for adverising on griff2be's door mind you the whole pop career thing could well take off
I have only just read Pistonslap, was laughing my way through the lawnmower section and was shocked to find myself mentioned! Yikes!
By the way Iguana, one of the cupholders is still available for sponsorship if you still have that £2...
Gassing Station | General Gassing [Archive] | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff