There was a bit of a do on in London recently. You probably saw it. Can't say as I was that interested in the cast list, but the gear they were travelling in was interesting. When Duke Phil plonked his dirty great size eleven on the running board of that 1902 State Landau I thought the poxy thing was going to tip over. Why doesn't somebody bung a new pair of anti-roll bars and a set of Bilsteins on it? Who's got the Royal Appointment on that? They want a good looking at.
The Bentley boys had a deathlock on most of the non-Dobbin transport. First there was the Queen's twin-turbo Bentley state limo, four tons of bulletproof vileness; Wills's Jag XJ, which C4's Jon Snow said was a Bentley; and of course the VW vans for the Conference League liggers, which if you do a spot of origami on the company organogram are also sort of Bentleys. Not the sort that lot wanted to be seen in on the big day of course. Creased meself laughing at the sight of toffs pretending they'd never been near a van before. Butter wouldn't melt etc, but I bet a lot of that posh totty could describe the inside of an SWB Transit roof in some detail. I also bet there were a few sneakily stashed crates of light ale by the back doors of them VWs.
When the first Mrs Guv and I tied the knot at the now defunct Morden Registry Office we took the No 93 bus from Raynes Park. That makes me a cheapskate, but the fact is I still remember these trivial facts all these many, many years later. Memorable is what you want for the most important day of your life.
With that and the newly-turbocharged wedding season in mind, I've been scouting round for wedding car stock additions. Not the regular muck of honking great stretch Lincolns or £2k Shadows in white and red oxide that are no good to man nor beast. I'm talking about self-drive motors that you could buy yourselves and rent out to mugs, sorry, young lovers looking for classy nuptial/honeymoon transport.
Here's my Top Five Wedding Tackle list of cheap, tradeable and best of all money-earning marriage motors:
Audi A8
Who says Germans don't do romance? Just make sure the stereo's working so you can't hear the slightly less romantic sound of the gearbox exploding. Stick a private plate on this quattro 4.2 and, mechanical disasters willing, you'll get your stake money back after three weddings. |
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BMW 740
650 notes for this E32 V8 makes it a must-have for any wedding hire fleet, especially one based in Essex. The electrics might be a bit dodgy, but vicars aren't doing night fixtures yet so who cares if the lights go out unexpectedly? Just make sure you're somewhere else on the big day. |
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Lexus LS400
For an extra hundred you can put this on your fleet. She's in the right colour, plus you've got leather and a properly banging stereo. Early LS suspension is easily as structurally sound as a five-tier wedding cake, so maybe best to put a speed limiter on it for your love-struck clients. If you don't fancy this one, maybe Garlick will sell you his: he's spent all the money so you don't have to. |
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Mercedes S420
The W140 S-Class was without question the last proper Merc. You can pick 'em up for about a grand now, incredible considering what you get. Haggle the owner | of this one down to something sensible and you've got no worries about it not being returned from hire. After all, who's going to want to keep something that looks like a Geneva taxi? Once the tyres have worn out (which won't take long) fit some ChengNa remoulds, strip out the toys and eBay all your dough back home. Nice. |
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The Mystery Motor
Here's my own ultimate wedding car, should the present Mrs Guv decide for tax reasons that she wants to renew our vows: Do the church run in it, then turn it upside down at the reception and spin it to decide who gets first shot at the bridesmaids before finishing off your happy day in fine style by replacing the floor with chicken wire, lining the body with Bacofoil, filling it with lumpwood and having a right royal BBQ. Job's a good 'un. |
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