Arjeplog hates spy photographers. Not just the car test engineers that swarm to this remote part of frozen north Sweden, but the whole town.
Saab lives! Well, this one does at least
So much so that the weekly Arjeplog Times back in February gave most of page three to a story about a heroic bus driver who parked his bus in between a spy snapper and his prey: one of the many camouflaged prototypes running around the snow-covered roads.
But nowhere in the world are you more likely scoop the world with a brand new car, not even at the Nurburgring. We're here to sample drivetrain innovations, but dammit, we're not leaving without a trophy spy shot. A lynching from elk-hunters and powerfully built engineers would be worth it for an exclusive pic of, say, the new Bentley SUV.
In the season from December to April this place is the Geneva motor show on ice. The morning rush hour has revealed to us the BMW 6 Series Gran Coupe, the new Fiat Panda 4x4, the next gen Kia Cee'd and Vauxhall's Mokka mini-SUV. But these have been seen before and we are eating our breakfast at the time. We need a real scoop.
Existing Bentleys dull - we want SUV scoops!
In summer the population of Arjeplog is around 1,200. In winter it more than doubles as engineers from the likes of Mercedes, BMW, Opel, Fiat, Jaguar Land Rover, Bentley, Bosch and GKN descend.
Outside Harry's bar on our first evening, we spot two Bentley Continental V8s parked next to a Porsche Cayenne. Not a scoop, but amazing nonetheless in a town 12 hours drive from Stockholm. Inside, table after table of mainly German engineers try gamely to find fresh topics of conversation.
They're all here for the estimated 1,000km of tracks on the vast frozen lakes that surround the town. With around half a metre of ice to support the cars, the lakes are divided up between companies who create their preferred handling tracks. It's mind-blowing how much potential fun this place is.
This way for sliding fun/serious testing
The story goes that around 35 years ago a couple of engineers asked a local if the ice could support a car for testing. Sure, was the answer, and the town's helicopter was used to clear the snow. Now it's the town's sole money earner. We ask local cabbie Olof Johannsson what he does for fun during the winter. "Nothing, we work," is the reply. In summer he heads off to Norway on his Harley.
Day three and we still haven't got our scoop. A couple of plastic clad superminis cruise past, but we're too slow on the camera and, anyway, who can tell what the hell they are? We have new respect for spy photographers.
Nick's scoop ... the long-awaited Astra saloon
Then, we spot it. In our hotel car park of all places, just brazenly sitting there while the engineer has his breakfast. We draw out our Nikon and ... ladies and gentlemen, we bring you the first glimpse of this important new car: the Astra saloon.
Oh well, back to the day job.