'Bulletproof'. One of those tired cliches often used in vain in the PH classifieds. Used to describe everything from old Volvos to Toyota Corollas, it's usually filed, upon reading, onto the same mental shelf as other irrelevant fluff like 'absolutely spotless' and 'first to see will buy'.
All the usual toys, plus a few more on top
But wait. Because lurking within the classifieds, it turns out, is a car which is advertised as being bulletproof in the rare, non-metaphorical sense of the word. In other words, get shot in this thing, and you'll be just fine.
It's a rather rare E39 BMW 540iP, that unusual suffix signifying that this particular example was specified with BMW's Protection package. That means it's been kitted out with aramid armour plating and bullet-resistant glass with polycarbonate skins, both of which will protect against ballistics up to CEN B4 level, equating to most pistols and 12-gauge shotguns. It's also fitted with run-flat tyres, while the rear windows are fixed in place and can't be opened. Oh, and you get a public address system, too. Pretty cool, no?
It isn't just the Protection package that makes this example appealing, though. In addition, you get a vast swathe of the E39 options list thrown in, including niceties like the colour screen infotainment system, the comfort electric memory seats, and the electric rear window blind. Its provenance couldn't really be much better, having been owned only by BMW and loaned to the British government. Mileage is a paltry 45,676, and every service has been carried out on time at BMW's UK headquarters. And we haven't even mentioned the burbly, 296hp 4.4-litre M62 V8 under the bonnet yet.
Bulletproof quality, one careful owner, etc...
Granted, all that extra glass means it won't exactly be Elise-light, which will dull performance somewhat compared with a standard 540i. Handling, too, will probably verge on the wallowy - especially with the less-precise steering box setup that V8-powered E39s came with. What's more, this finery doesn't come cheap - £11,950 is enough to buy you a
very nice M5
, which will handle and go much better. It seems especially pricey when you consider that the only time you'd really put its extra features to good use would be to shout through the PA system at someone who'd just cut you up, then hide inside when they got all road-ragey, safe in the knowledge that nothing short of a high-powered rifle could get through. Er, not that we'd condone that sort of behaviour, of course.
But despite all that, we can't help but feel unmistakeable pangs of want for this big old special ops bruiser. We're not sure why. There's no logical reason; it isn't even a car that man maths can justify. We just want it. Who's with us?
BMW 540iP
Price: £11,950
Why you should: It really is genuinely bulletproof. And it has a PA system.
Why you shouldn't: It's pricey, heavy, and it'll tempt you to incite road rage. Probably.
See the original advert here.