You know what it's like. There you are, minding your own business, when suddenly you find yourself drafted into a gang of mercenary types all hired to get hold of a special metal case, contents unknown. The case is handcuffed to its carrier at all times, but your employers are paying you enough that that shouldn't be an obstacle. An ambush in the south of France sounds like the way forward. The only trouble is, you need a set of wheels that'll allow you to give chase and quick enough to outpace a Citroen XM.
Any self-respecting car chase connoisseur knows the only car that will suit is, of course, an Audi S8. Trouble is, these days S8s are no longer pocket money, and your rag-tag bunch of mercenaries isn't exactly flush with cash. Chances are your S8's probably going to end up smashed into said XM outside a seafront cafe anyway, so full history and concours bodywork aren't exactly high priorities.
It's a dilemma we've all faced. Well, some of us, anyway. But right now on PH, there's a solution. An S8 which, as the advert earnestly (ominously?) points out within the first three lines, has no engine or gearbox issues.
What's more, at just £2,000, this is the cheapest S8 on the site. Sure, S8s were once ten-a-penny at this price, but values are on their way north, making this very much the entry level nowadays. So of course, there are a couple of catches. Which are that it's done 180,000 miles. And it has almost no history.
Hang on, though, because it isn't all bad news. New Goodyear tyres all round suggest previous owners haven't been afraid to spend money on maintenance. The same could be said about the refurbished alloys - though a cynic would say they're hiding a history of kerbing, so listen carefully for suspension and rotational noise.
All the electrics apparently work - we'd check ourselves, just to be on the safe side - and the famously troublesome dash display pixels are all intact too. And there's a sports exhaust, too, so much the better to hear that V8 sing as you chase down your intended targets.
That task shouldn't prove too troublesome, given that the S8's 4.2-litre V8 booked at 360hp and threw it to 62mph in just 5.5 seconds. By any stretch, then, this is a stonkingly quick car. At least, it was when new, and even with all those miles on the clock, it still won't be slow.
Bizarrely, the centre armrest is missing and the two rear windows are cracked. But as we've already discussed, condition isn't essential given our S8's intended purpose. And even if you're planning a more sedate life with it, this is a stupendous amount of car for two grand. A few foibles are to be expected. The seller even says he'll fix the latter one for you - if he or she has time, of course.
Either way, despite its considerable legginess and questionable provenance, this S8 doesn't look a dog. Yes, it could all go horribly wrong, but even if it did, you'd probably make a fair chunk of your cash back just by selling the alloys. Man maths at its finest, for sure. What better reason is there to buy a large, old, fast, and potentially ruinous V8?
AUDI S8 (D2)
Price: £2,000
Why you should: Pretend you're in Ronin
Why you shouldn't: End up in The Money Pit
See the original advert here