It's a sunny day in the Big Brother households. The housemates in have been tanning themselves in the hot weather. This week's challenge for the competitors has been to drive around the UK observing artificially low speed limits whilst avoiding the stooges sent out by Big Brother to hamper safe progress. It's not been a good task though. Cameras hidden in catseyes, behind trees, in cricket stumps and inside lumps of cheese have caught out the gang once again. Three thousand of them will forfeit their licences this week as penance.
Day 430: 2:50pm
There's an email doing the rounds in Big Brother country suggesting that Thames Valley police are having a crack down on the rules. This week's task is to establish if it's genuine or if it's just another hoax. Luckily the email includes the make, model and colour of some undercover police cars. All the housemates have to do is keep an eye out for any one of the dozen common cars anywhere in the Thames Valley. They've gambled this week's food allowance on evading these cars, so fingers crossed the story about the helicopter was false too.
Day 431: 10:30am
The combination of the hot weather and congestion on the roads is causing tension in Big Brother country. It's possible that violence could break out if tempers flare. Luckily Big Brother has the situation covered with plenty of security and cameras monitoring the residents 24 hours a day from all angles. Heinous crimes such as parking on a yellow line have been reported. Luckily a camera caught the culprit in the act, requiring no human intervention. Big Brother rules state that a competitor is guilty until proven innocent so the hapless sod is now in Strangeways.
Contestants spotted speeding on an open road in Scotland have chosen eviction and will be leaving the UK next week.
Day 432: 11:34am
Big Brother artificially raises the price of petrol to see how the contestants react. Big Brother awards himself and the rest of the Government a pay rise.
Day 433: 7:21pm
Many of the residents are struggling with the petrol challenge. Some business are going bust whilst lorry drivers have been caught sneaking out of Big Brother land and getting petrol from outside. Secret cameras installed in bacon sandwiches caught the offenders on their return to the UK. They will be punished.
Day 444: 12:32pm
Nominations for eviction have been made. Splits are emerging in the Big Brother household with the Welsh, Scots and English all nominating each other for eviction. Big Brother land is to be split into three sections to prevent further problems. Cameras mounted in bits of chewing gum stuck to the pavement will monitor the borders.
Day 445: 8:01pm
The experiment is going well. Many of the residents of Big Brother land cannot now afford petrol and are having problems getting food. Big Brother has secret plans in place for this eventuality. Army tankers are on standby to fuel Government limousines and housemates have been reminded that they are not to contact the outside world. Big Brother will turn off TV and radio if the housemates play up. Big Brother continues to force pubs to close at 11pm.
Day 446: 9:22pm
Big Brother and his mates sit around with a few beers at No 10. Raucous laughter can be heard down the street as they laugh their socks off watching their little experiment. Big Brother's son nips out to get more beers.
Day 447: 9:40am
"This is Big Brother. In order to ensure your continued security in Big Brother country, we will be erecting more cameras to monitor safety issues. These cameras are here for your protection. You are reminded that this is not a democracy."
Day 448: 10:28am
"This is Big Brother. Will all contestants owning radar detectors please come to the diary room."
Day 435: 5:34pm
Half the population have been jailed for breaking new safety guidelines. Big Brother has confiscated all but three driving licences due to the shortage of red ink for endorsements. All three motorists now have personal police escorts of fourteen cars hoping to catch them out and to select a winner.
Big Brother has obviously been caught speeding himself but the rules state that this was a matter of national security and that no further action will be taken.
Day 436: 7:22pm
A solitary driver is left. Seventy three year old Hilda Miggins is has made it through by driving at a constant 27 mph in her Morris Minor. She's presented with a road safety award. This is later confiscated after a her car went near a police car causing severe whiplash to the officers. Contestants are reminded that speed kills. The safest driver is a stationary driver.
Day 437: 9:00am
"Will PetrolTed please come to the diary room..."
