Aside from John Prescott brawling with the public the election's got all the thrills and excitement of a bus ride. From a motoring perspective none of the parties are exactly offering us petrolheads much value for our vote. Considering the majority of the country have a vested interest in sorting out our roads, the parties haven't exactly come up with any radical suggestions now have they?
When old Two Jags squeezed himself into the hot seat at the Department of Transport, we suspected that being a double garage man himself he might look kindly on tarmac worshippers. All we got was a confusing ten year plan in which he spends 60 billion quid bunging a few bypasses and tram systems around the country. He could have bought everyone a bus pass with that...
Why don't the parties come up with some more down to earth suggestions? Sorting out Britain's transport system is actually a doddle. A few simple measures can be taken which would ease congestion, reduce accident rates and hence the cost of motoring. Before long Britain would once again be the envy of the world, rule the waves and we could start colouring in the world map with that red crayon again.
So, here we go, a quick manifesto:
1) The Environment
Should the Pie Party get elected, we'd immediately send out those over zealous car removal people who work for the Met Police to retrieve every Metro, 2CV and body-kitted red Nova in existance. These would then be dumped in the sea off the south coast to halt the erosion that's threatening to have everyone retreating to Birmingham.
2) Red Tape
No insurance? No MOT? Then no car matey. Anyone caught driving an uninsured wreck would have their car confiscated immediately. No messing with car crushers - fire is the answer. It's quick, cheap and more spectacular.
3) Appropriate use of Resources
Fat man's cars for fat men. Introducing a new system whereby you can only drive a big car if you're big enough to fill it would soon control the hoards of diminutive women filling our roads with oversized 4x4s.
4) Car Sharing
I walked to school when I was a kid. I didn't get run over, molested or eaten by wild bears. There should be a car curfew at school time leaving the roads free for people alone in their cars to get about more easily. This would leave kids free to interact with their peers, fill themselves with Mars bars and raid the corner shop like children should.
5) Public Transport
We understand public transport. You need to give people incentives for using the dirty, unreliable buses and trains. Saving money isn't an option because it's cheaper to fly to the moon that it is to get a train these days. Lateral thinking is called for. Coupled with the relaxed licencing hours that are on their way, we suggest that all buses and train carriages be fitted with mini-bars and satellite TV.
6) Road Safety
Having rid our roads of 4x4s and souped up Novas the main challenge left would be white van drivers. In a controversial move that will no doubt upset civil rights activists we advocate painting all vans pink.
7) The Police
Coupled with our urban regeneration plan that will see Ford Anglias being manufactured at Dagenham again, traffic divisions will be re-equipped with pre-1970's Fords. The Americans will think the whole of England is just like Heartbeat, boosting tourism and it will give the rest of us a damn good laugh.
8) Government Infrastructure
The final matter is one that none of the other parties have addressed: Downing Street. It's long overdue for a gravel driveway. Our Prime Minister would be the envy of the world if he could arrive in real style - sideways.
