Bloody hypocrites. Everyone moaning about other people's driving. Why is it that questioning someone's driving ability is like questioning their sexual prowess? Are they related? Does someone's ability to reverse into a parking space somehow hint at their legendary ineptitude at nocturnal docking manouevres? No. So why is everyone so damn touchy about their driving? We've all read the surveys where the vast majority of people claim that they're good drivers, yet everyone spends most of their wheel-bound hours complaining about the poor standards exhibited by the other clowns on the road.

Work Bores

Why is it that on arriving at work, we feel compelled to bore our colleagues with tedious tales of how we got off the motorway a junction early in order to save 4 minutes? We all know just how painfully boring these stories are when on the receiving end yet it's with some excitement and sense of achievement that these tales of bravado and intrigue are relayed.

It's all so competitive. Done the same journey with a bunch of friends? Why is it we are all desperate to prove we got there quickest? Most people have cars capable of 130+ mph so we could all get there in the nick of time if we risked it. Yet the first greetings in the pub will resound with '2 hours mate', '1 hour and that included a stop to polish my trunnions', 'no time at all, I used to work near here...' Boring!!!

Mould

It's like a game of Top Trumps. How long have you spent in a traffic jam? What's the furthest you've ever driven without stopping? How badly have you fallen asleep at the wheel? How far have you driven without blinking? Why don't I give a toss about the dirtiest plate in my kitchen or the biggest lump of mould in a coffee cup, yet I have to convince everyone that I've got the dirtiest car on the planet?

Spreadsheets

Then there's the fuel debate. Not the price but how much your motor consumes. Either you're the fastidious, mind bendingly boring, please-avoid-me-at-parties, kind of waster who'd got a spreadsheet of fuel consumption - complete with macros, projections and an export facility to your Palm-Pilot - and can boast attaining 34.65mpg from your 5 litre V8, or you're the type that somehow feels achieving 8mpg from your V8 earns you some kind of medal. 

Listen up petrol-bores - low fuel consumption smacks of wasting your money on a fast car you're not using properly. High fuel consumption hints that you've no idea how to drive smoothly, and are in fact, as we say in the motoring world, 'Driving like a knob.' Either way, spare us next time you feel compelled to burden us with your wacky tales of consumption. My interesting smug aside to this debate is always, "I don't have a trip-meter, I don't know my economy" as if this lifts me to some lofty perch above the tedium.

Idiots

The hypocrisy extends to every level. We curse the tailgaters who lunge at our rears on the motorway, yet how many of us do the same to those idiots who won't get out of the way? Constant whining at people who drive to slowly, people who drive to quickly, people who drive too much, people who drive to little, people who drive, people who don't drive... are we perhaps just a nation of whingers?

Study

We've done a detailed psychological study and narrowed the sources of frustration down to consistent usage of the following basic, yet consistently inaccurate assumptions. Next time you get in your car, be sure to observe these guidelines:

• If someone overtakes me, they're an idiot.
  
• If I hear someone revving their engine, they're sad. If I do it, it sounds great. 
  
• People in slow/small cars have to drive fast to prove their sexual prowess. (see 1)
  
• Only sad people do wheelspins, oversteer etc. (except me, I look cool)
  
• People in fast/flash cars who drive too slowly are posers (unless it's me, see rule 1)
  
• People in MPVs/Euroboxes have never driven anything more exotic (unless it's me, and I expect other drivers to understand this)
  
• People who drive flash cars badly can't have paid for the car themselves 
  
• If I see someone in a flash car, they look like a w*****, (unless it's me. I look cool)
  
• If I lose concentration it's unfortunate, if someone else does they're a liability.
  
• If I spin on a track day, I was exploring the performance/handling envelope. Anyone else spinning was driving recklessly. 

Straying from these assumptions can serious affect your ability to pontificate and retain a judgmental attitude towards your fellow motorists. Attitudes do of course change, particularly with age, but the fundamental distrust, disrespect and dislike for your fellow motorists remains core. Retain these values and we'll continue to be a nation of useless, boring and unskilled drivers... except of course, for me.