I'm worried... again. Very worried. Not only have I run out of cornflakes but the Americans are coming. Last time it took a war, this time we're the victims of globalisation. It's a well recognised fact that we tend to lag behind the US with technical innovations or cultural change. Sadly things are getting worse, with DaimlerChyrsler and General Motors become as familiar as holes in the roads and selling internal organs to buy a tank of petrol.

There was a time when we were more discerning. We'd take the good ideas like...er.. burgers, hotdogs, pizza... I see a theme emerging here. Luckily we've left them with guns, baseball and spontaneous applause. But be warned, we are slowly assimilating too much U.S. culture and it won't be long before we're another anonymous blob on the Stars and Stripes.

Boats

You're probably wondering what I'm wittering on about. Well lets look at the facts. It started with Cadillacs. No thank you we said, barges are for the Manchester Ship Canal. We want bonnets, now bows. Cadillac wouldn't take no for an answer and continued to ship in their wallowing bedsteads albeit in a more Euro-friendly packaging. Luckily they were pitching at executive saloon territory where we have no middle management execs called Hank.

So, no doubt after consultation with the CIA, Chrysler gave us the Neon. A smaller and altogether more sensible car for our narrow roads and with 'mid-Atlantic' styling that wouldn't offend our cucumber sandwich tastes. Then came the real tester. The PT Cruiser. The ignomy of it. Reimporting Austin A40 vans on steroids. 

As I meander down to the chosen food outlet each lunchtime, I'm now almost mown down by the people carriers obviously styled by a frustrated extra in American Graffiti. Who's buying them? Peering through the tinted windows I see a typically hideous British family wearing even more hideous American style smiles. Does a perfect set of teeth come with cup holders and built in pop corn buckets the size of your lavvy? They'll be telling me to have a nice day next.

Pie 'n' Mash

At least Jeeps used to be specialist vehicles bought by fat blokes with delusions of starring in MASH as well as scoffing it. Grinding along the road with the passenger always hanging one Doc Marten out (why do they do that?), they did at least cause the rest of us some amusement. Jeeps these days have become so ingrained in our culture that no one blinks an eye until they're rammed by one, as another incompetent mother carves a parking space where one didn't exist before. Jeep, please stop shipping over your 4x4s. It's gone too far. Keeping up with the Jones now involves buying armoured personnel carriers just to take your kids to school. 

Cheerleaders

What the Americans need to understand is that we Brits are different. We're never going to get excited by Detroit's discards because we can't get excited by anything. Our girls are no good at cheerleading and we can't 'whoop' uncontrollably. 

Well George W, be warned. Import restrictions will be coming if you dump any more of your mobile Wendy houses on us. Left hooker Corvettes, PT Cruisers and ridiculous white limousines stuffed full of fat cackling bints just aren't British. Sooner or later our stiff upper lips are going to quiver and it'll be war. Well, we might say some really nasty things anyway... before apologising.