I'm in the wrong business. I've decided to jack it all in and design useless bolt on goodies for cars. What a huge market there is out there for useless bits of badly moulded plastic crap to lash to your tin-top. From chunky body kits designed to make your Escort van look like a huge Airfix kit, to all manner of tat to slap on your headlamps so that you can't see where you're going. All in the name of personalising your dull as dishwater, common as muck, off the shelf jellymould Eurobox.

'Spoiler'

What is it with people? Car manufacturers spend years developing cars using the finest engineers and technicians, only for some knob with a GCSE in woodwork to decide he knows better. Slapping a picnic table stuck on the back and replacing the rear seats with a balsa wood rabbit hutch and a base tube are merely the beginning. The original Sierra Cosworth had a lot to answer for. The appearance of that spoiler spawned thousands of ludicrous imitations on the most ridiculous cars. Front wheel drive cars spawned half a dining table on the back in the name of rear downforce. XR2's became useless as shopping cars as you couldn't open the rear hatch under the weight of the whale tail.

Burger Bars

Car 'personalisation' is not easy. Taking a car that's had millions of man hours of design lavished on it and then improving on it is a tough call. So why bother? Buy another car, get a professional to do it, take up basket weaving, but stop bolting the tacky contents of Christmas crackers onto your car. Consider others - it's so frustrating to know every time you buy fast food, you're merely funding Jonny-no-stars' latest automotive bunch of arse designed to impress the burger bar bimbos.

Offensive Orions

I want to know what the hell are the Vehicle Inspectorate up to? I suspect they're out there checking the tread on tyres, looking for badly maintained lorries and checking seatbelts in coaches all in the name of safety. Sod safety, I want my taxes used to rid the streets of offensive Orions and shoddy Sierras. I want the suburbs cleared of Escort vans with fluorescent lights. The police shouldn't be out there in unmarked Subarus goading people to speed, they should be prodding their batons in the chests of villains who've committed the heinous crime of fitting flash wheels to crap cars.

I've written to Herr Blair asking him to move on the matter urgently. The situation is getting serious. I'm hearing rumours that blockades of Halfords are being considered. I'm hoping it could get to the stage where only emergency workers will be allocated baked bean can exhausts for their Novas. Supplies of tinted window film are at an all time low and the army may have to be brought in to replenish supplies of Christmas tree air fresheners. Things are looking up...