Tony, Tony, Tony... don't be such a knob! As I sit here waist deep in my emergency stash of bread, milk and Melton Mowbrays, I'm counting the days until the troops hit the streets. With my front door firmly nailed up and boiling lard ready to pour from my windows I'm praying Tony Boring Blair will get off his well manicured arse and see sense.

He was out again today. The usual garbage being dished out in that patronising, pausing... er... sincere... er... look around... look humble.. more blab... er... I care for the people... er ... I was a pleb once too, manner of his. It irritates me so much! Why does he have to play with his cuffs like Prince Charles? Is this some secret Masonic ritual? If I play with my cuffs next time I'm in the pub, will I get my Guinness any quicker?

He's complained that real people are being affected by the demonstrations. Aghhh! Tony, hello... Tony... over here mate ... how many businesses have gone to the wall because of the crippling greed of the Chancellor? How many farmers have topped themselves as their farms have foundered? What's it going to take before you realise there's a world outside of Number 10 and your poncy villa in Tuscany?

Mr Blobby

Sadly our Tony is too intent on having his own winter of discontent. Determined to prove he's harder than Maggie, he's going to tough it out using the police as his pawns in what he thinks is some game of intellectual bravado. Sadly not. You've pulled out the chess pieces Tony but the rest of the country is merely playing Patience whilst they wait for you to see sense.

Today we've seen tankers leaving refineries with bigger police escorts than the Queen Mum gets. Despite the fact that thousands of people have been demonstrating with only a couple of incidents of trouble, the police are obviously under instruction to lay on a floor show in their nice fluorescent jackets. No-one's bought any tickets for this charade, so I guess the Government must be paying. I'm so glad they're spending my taxes on that. Thanks Tony.

So, here we are with most of the country supporting the protests. When was the last time we saw solidarity like that in the UK? Certainly not since the campaign to rid the BBC of Mr Blobby. Still, that counts for nothing does it? Who does the Government represent after all?

Radio 4

Let me put myself in Tony's perfectly polished size tens for a minute. We've got democratic processes for protesting haven't we? There's no need for people to quietly take to the streets in the most civilised demonstrations since they stopped school milk. Oh no, please could you all go home everyone? Wait a couple of months and that nice Gordon Brown will see you right. Perhaps if you're really angry you could ring Radio 4.

It's just not British to behave like this. Wrong Tony! This is sooo British. Thousands of people camped out in the mild evenings drinking tea - what could be more British than that? No violence and  plenty of sandwiches - protesting doesn't get better than that. Britain has been brought to a standstill by a bunch of blokes armed with bacon butties and the only thing Tony can do is bring in the troops. How mad is that? Tony, brush your coiffured hair away from your lug'oles mate - listen to the people or it'll be martial law on Monday.

Lies

By the weekend, the supermarkets will have been cleared of food and there'll be no tanker drivers willing to deliver any fuel. What a shame. And all because those nasty oil barons have put the price of petrol up. Stop lying! I can't take it any more. If I see another pontificating polititian claiming they'll have to close hospitals if I don't buy fuel, I'll think I'll explode.

Lies, lies, lies!  Why on earth can't they cap the amount of tax on a litre of petrol? The greedy buggers make more money every time petrol goes up, but they just stuff it in Gordon Brown's sock drawer each time.

Environmental tax? They seem to have forgotten that line now. I take great pride in going out and larging it in my car these days. I know every mile I travel pays for another sick child to have a head transplant. Drive fast, drive far, support your local children's hospital. I can't use LRP in my car but I managed to buy a couple of gallons before it ran out. I've just torched it outside to pay for a bone marrow transplant. Got some funny looks from the neighbours mind you. They just don't understand how much I do for charity.

Nurses

So Tony, you've got 90% of the country against you at the moment and anarchy only days away. What are you planning to do about it? Stop dreaming of being Mad Maggie (even if you do like the frocks) and make some sodding concessions. Cap the tax, commit to a change in the budget but do something that shows you might be vaguely in touch with the people in the real world. Go fill up your sodding Jag yourself.

Me? I'm off in my nurses' uniform to get a tank of super U.