Who rattled his cage?

I give up. Bring out the white flags. In fact let’s bring out the red flags and drive behind them at 4mph again. I can’t take another mile on this country’s Government forsaken roads. There’s no sanctuary for drivers anymore.

Our towns are littered with road humps, chicanes, bollards and tank traps guaranteed to incense the most passive of motorists. The empty roads traversing the countryside are littered with battleship grey Gatsos threatening to shoot away our licences. Police hide in the bushes pointing their lasers at us like overexcited schoolboys. Big brother mounts cameras on every street corner and follows us around the country. Undercover police ride the Queen’s highways laden with home movie equipment ready to plumb into the satellite TV networks. Soon we'll have live nightly session of Government sanctioned rubbernecking.

Yes, speed can kill, but it’s so galling to be lectured about its dangers by those who drive with little regard for what is occurring outside of their mobile Radio 4 listening rooms. They bumble along the road cocooned in their softly sprung bumper cars with their kids bouncing around on the back seat and mirrors adjusted for make up application. They curse you for cutting them up yet they drive so close to the car in front they might as well hook themselves on to it and busy themselves preparing their next sanctimonious lecture.

It’s become customary for the halfwit in the distance to flash his lights at your should you dare to venture on to their side of the road. Are they not prepared to consider that some thought was invested in the manoeuvre, unlike their pathetic knee-jerk reaction.

Should you get stopped for speeding (surely it will become a capital offence soon), you are treated to a monologue of the most unimaginative, patronising diatribe possible. "Do you know why we’ve stopped you sir?". Of course I bloody know. It’s because I happened to overtake all the clots bunched up on the motorway cruising towards their next shunt. Thank you officer for pointing out that in no way did I have my wits about me and yes officer in future I will join the road train to certain boredom and danger. I should be careful should I? Lots of people in these types of cars have crashed recently have they? Well officer, I’d like to tell you that lots of people in all types of car have crashed recently. Get back in your Mr Whippy van and go play with your toys.

Luckily I won’t have a choice soon. The Government is pushing me out of my car to protect the environment. Or was it to fund hospitals and cute kiddies in primary schools, I can’t recall. I’m taxed on my income which I use to pay for my car. They tax the purchase of cars. They tax the insurance on cars. You pay tax to own a car. You pay tax on the fuel. You pay VAT on top of that. What a marvelously efficient means of paying for those hospitals. Soon however, I won’t have a car because I can’t afford it. Then where will they get their sodding money?!