They shouldn't let him out of the house...

I popped out at lunchtime today eager to replenish my rapidly dwindling stock of Melton Mowbrays and happened to notice a billboard featuring Vauxhall's latest advertising campaign. This in itself is of course unusual as it tends to be the more flesh toned adverts that catch my eye normally. On this occasion I think it was pent up anger that caught sight of the offending poster and my subconscious kindly granted it permission to vent.

What a bag of crap that campaign is. Now don't get me wrong, I think Griff Rhys Jones can be funny. Although... now I think about it, perhaps he did exhaust his repertoire some years ago. Without the comically sweaty Mel Smith, Griff I believe is a spent force. Here is a man to whom life is a sketch. Why else would he talk in that comical voice all the time. Has he ever had a serious moment in his life?

So, Vauxhall exhume him from the comical graveyard and slap a beard and a wig on him. There you go Griff, go do some method acting they said. Were they hoping to appeal to all the thirty-somethings that remember Not the Nine O'clock News, now sat at home with two children, a mortgage and a 'mid range family car'. Well I've got news for you Vauxhall, you should have used Pamela Stephenson!

The sight of Jones hunched over a tedious Eurobox sniveling in that irritating manner of his does, not entice a generation to drop the nappies and go dubb dubb dubbing on Vauxhall's website. "Zafira dot com" - Fantastic. Oh how I harp back to the "Viva 1300 GL." Wake up Vauxhall, you're dealing with a generation that understands the Internet. If I want to buy a car, slapping dot com on it doesn't light my fire. Dousing Griff's beard in Super U might though.

What really makes me choke on me chips now, is that Vauxhall are obviously so pleased with this campaign that they've got Jones dangling his beard into the Astra Coupe now. Take a saloon car, weld up the doors, make it more difficult to get in and put some different wheel trims on it. Hey presto, an 'aspirational' vehicle for the style conscious. Then why the hell are they promoting it with that sandal wearing beardy weirdy dressed as a woman, with two grown men dressed as schoolboys!? Someone at Vauxhall's marketing department should get on the web and satisfy his fantasies there before ramming his perverse idea of humour down my gullet whilst I'm waiting for Emmerdale Farm.

And now the final straw - the bearded pratt is going to promote the VX220. Vauxhall correctly diagnosed that their cars were dull as a day in Dortmund and needed to produce a sexy two seater, to entice the young and successful into the Vauxhall stable. Once hooked on their stunning array of cars they'd buy their way through the range until they shed their final beige cardigan and make their last part exchange into a black Daimler.

What marvel of marketing mystique are we going to see here? Jones cruising in the south of France picking up hot totty, and treating them to a guided tour of his dirt encrusted sandals? Perhaps targetting it at the ever growing communities of bell ringers? Get real Vauxhall. It may be an overweight Elise, styled by a designer that only had a ruler, but it sure as hell is the sexiest car in your range. And what finally makes me puke my pastry is that pompous woman at the end saying 'Vauxhall, raising the standard'. Why does she have to say it whilst so obviously with a huge grin spread across her boat? Is that to give me some warm, hearty, friendly and trusting feeling? Or did she get a pre-production VX220 ally gear stick...

Pah... bring back Pamela Stephenson.