Well it's the holiday season. Time for reps to remove their unfeasibly large briefcases from the Mondeo estate and to pile it full of modern family essentials. Times have changed. In my youth it was six up in the 1.5 tonne Vauxhall Viva 1300L, with a suitcase on the roof. Away you crawled with a sense of excitement, thighs burning on the vinyl seats and hours of fun ahead counting road signs for entertainment.

Base Camp

These days the paraphernalia most families seem to haul around with them would be enough to set up base camp at Everest. No wonder the roads are full of 4x4's - what else has the capacity to lug around one child, full kit and one of those curious three wheeled pushchairs shod with 195/60x13's?

Safety obviously plays a part to I suppose. Four kids squeezed into the back of the Viva wouldn't be tolerated now. Each bundle of joy has to have their own NASA engineered babyseat with 8 point harness and full intercom system. With each child also requiring their own Teletubby designer suitcase and matching jumper suit, that boot space is soon gobbled up. That of course leaves little room for the beach entertainment system. Bucket, spade and a smack on the back of the head do? Oh no, bouncy castle, inflatable Titanic and child sized JCB are the order of the day now.

Beige Allegros

Stress levels are high as the 21st century family hit the road. Playstation withdrawal sets in within a few miles and counting bridges, traffic lights and beige Allegros doesn't entertain the modern child for long. Plugged into their mobile Gameboy dialysis machine, the incessant beeping and cursing soon riles Mr & Mrs Tedious too. You see them hurtling down the M3 towards the sunny south west, arguing away - this being the first time they've had a conversation outside of a commercial break since last year. Wandering around the road, stuck in the outside lane, boot dragging along the road laden down with project Devon.

Luckily for the rest of us, come August the migration is complete and Devon and Wales are home to every estate car and caravan in Britain. This year I propose we take action. At midnight on Sunday, the masses should rise in the spirit of true Perestroyka, and we must construct Berlin style walls across the country and pen them in (apologies to those who live there). The remaining green and pleasant land will be left devoid of the dawdling classes.

Reclaim the Streets

Put Armco on the pavements, remove the speed limits, paint over the zebra crossings and issue old people with fluorescent body armour and tin hats. Raceway UK is open. Reclaim the streets! Who's up for it?

Links: Vauxhall Viva Owners Club , Austin Allegro