Back in the dark ages - the 70's that is - when telephones still had bells in them and mobile phones had shoulder straps, we had no cause to question the quality of our TV. We took what was thrown at us and enjoyed it. If there wasn't anything worth watching on all three channels then we'd all get around the piano and have a Victorian style sing-a-long or play Kerplunk. Those happy days are gone forever now - thanks to cable TV.

Flying down one of the numerous pipes into Pie Central is of course my cable TV. I couldn't live without it now of course (no piano/Kerplunk). With almost a hundred channels of 'niche' programming I am of course much more knowledgeable about the world I live in, and about sharks. In the good old days it was easy to determine if there was nothing worth watching. A browse of the channels took around 10 seconds. Now it takes me fifteen minutes to complete a lap from BBC1 to Sky Moviemax Gold 4 by which time another programme could have started. It's a relentless loop which only sleep or dietary needs can break.

No more Chris Goffey!

Despite the masses of information being poured down the cables, the content available for petrolheads is dreadful. There's only so many Renault Clio races I can watch. I've seen how the Elise was designed 45 times. I've seen all the futuristic cars from 1950's America and I've had my fill of that annoying northern bloke bleating on about retro-styled motorbikes on Top Gear GTi.

The one channel that should be catering to my automotive desires is of course Granada Men and Motors. Sadly this seems to be targeted at what Granada consider a large and financially lucrative audience of lobotomised 17 year olds. Most of the evening is dedicated to the visual chewing gum of various 'celebrity' numskull bints exposing their mammories at any opportunity. I'm all in favour of a bit of tantalising TV, but the Benny Hill show was more erotic than these horses.

Tarts

Where are the TV programmes catering for the wealthy beer swilling, professional male sports car owners and enthusiasts? Isn't that a more lucrative audience than skinny Nova drivers? Liking birds and cars doesn't mean I'm happy to be fed a substandard diet of witless tarts and asthmatic Escorts.

There's one programme that GM&M can be proud of though: 'Carnage'. That even manages to insult the intelligence of the bolt-on-boys. Yet it's aimed directly at those penniless wasters who spend their hard earned bolting bits of incongruous plastic to their mum's old car.

Carbage!? Too right...

Complete with 'wacky' wobbly camera work - first seen in that other crazy 30 minuter, The Bill - it helps the uninitiated work out which bit to bolt on next. They offer top tips like the best three components to improve your car. Today's top tune up tips are 'the chip' because that's coooool cos Cossies have got chips, the lowered springs because that's just wicked looking and makes yer car 'andle better, then finally the padded seatbelt thing cos that's cheap and everyone else has got them. Never mind that all this is going onto a ten year old shed with 130,000 miles on the clock.

Just before the break they throw in some more wandering camera work of the dolly bird presenter and that's half the programme sorted. Then a quick ad break sponsored by a car polish company with some pictures of decent cars and it's back for another ten minutes of TV landfill. A 'feature' on the 17 year old girl and her passion for cars. Passion for cars?! She's got a sodding Fiesta with the wrong wheels and one of those padded seat belt things. Give me strength!

Please...?

So Granada, how's about making some programmes that appeal to the man in the street, not the boy? Where are the grown up cars driven sideways around every racetrack in the country? Where are the circuits of the gravel driveway in the Mk II RS2000 (for old times sake)? Where's the documentary on the real side of the Le Mans 24 hours? Where's the screech of hot rubber and intelligent commentary on the car scene? And while you're at it explain to me what those padded seat belt warmers are for...