I'm angry. Again. I was thinking the other day that the tone of this column is probably bordering a tad on the negative side most of the time and that perhaps I should just damn well cheer up a bit. I was going to write a light hearted column tonight about the positive state of the British motor industry and about flowers, butterflies and beautiful autumnal shades.

Nooooooo!

Then I read it. I read it again. I checked the date on it. Today's date. Another ruling by the power crazed zealots at the Advertising Standards Authority. Another ruling against MG. The third this year. Slowly my blood boiled to the point where smashing up my office seemed like the only suitable option. As I sit here on the floor surrounded by broken glass, splintered furniture and the remains of a large flaky pastried steak and kidney, I am still completely incensed.

The Empire

What the hell has happened to this country? My parents grew up with most of the world map coloured in red from our various jollies around the globe killing savages and generally making ourselves unwelcome. Now we've retreated back to Little England but still have very grand ideas about what a great nation we are. Standing shoulder to kneecap with the USA in times of trouble we're there lording it up as one of the great nations. One of the most liberated free countries on the planet with a value system that should be the envy of the world. Bollox it is.

Democracy?!

Democracy? Tosh! Twice now MG have had to pull expensive and successful advertising campaigns because of a single complaint. That's right. It only takes one person to complain that an advert breaches the ASA guidelines and can be goodbye to your spangley new campaign. 

It wasn't racially offensive. It wasn't a sexual slur. It didn't use strong language nor did it incite violence, religious intolerance, the beating of young children or casseroling your Labrador. It was far sicker than that. It showed a car with its wheels slightly blurred. Shocking isn't it? We now have live coverage of wars and images of death streamed into our homes, yet we're not allowed to see an advert for a car that might make us want to drive it in a spirited manner.

Handled with Care

MG put more care than ever into this campaign after getting their fingers burned previously this year. They even took the advice of the ASA who have now turned around and banned the ads!  Yet some moaning do-gooder decided that after reading the ad over his elevenses he felt incited to wreak carnage on the roads. Luckily he resisted the temptation and wrote a stiff letter instead. Quite frankly people like that should be imprisoned without trial.

It's censorship and its the thin end of the wedge. Millions, and I mean millions of people will have seen that advert and not complained, yet because some cardigan in the Home Counties gets wood by writing letters on his new Amstrad, MG are consigned to selling cars by telling us that they make them in nice colours.

They're all at it...

Rummaging through the upturned motoring magazines I had a browse to see how other manufacturers deal with the issue. If you've got one to hand, grab it now. Take a look at the blurred images and references to speed that still litter the pages. Why are MG being singled out for such harsh treatment and what the hell is wrong with showing a car in motion anyway!?

I retired briefly to chug some beers and watch the telly hoping to calm down. What was I presented with? The latest advert for the new Citroen bland-wagon emerging from a tunnel. "Lights that work in the dark" etc. The car hooning it through narrow roadworks before barrelling up to an unfinished bridge and having to use emergency brake assist. Perhaps Herbert Home Countries should write a letter about the careless Gallic driver too busy chomping on his onions to notice an unfinished viaduct.

Enough!

Things have gone way too far in this nanny state of ours. We've got car adverts that aren't allowed to depict speed, we've got TV that isn't allowed to show people smoking in pubs and soap operas that would have you believe that f*** isn't the most commonly used word in the English language. Let's face it, it's a recent and daring innovation to advertise tampons in the UK.

A large dose of reason needs to be visited upon the narrow minded individuals whose high brow posturing on the public's behalf is both an insult to our intelligence and makes our country a very tedious place to live.

Right now, I'm off to roller skate at an innappropriate speed to the pub where I shall drink, swear, smoke and talk about tampons with the lads.