It's a brand new year and it's time to be positive. We Brits like to complain about things and it seems in recent years we've become even better at it. Not only can we whinge about the weather and the price of fish - especially cod - but now we can blame people for things properly, get the media to whip up the culture, sue people if we don't like them and then wrap everything up in nice cuddly wuddly terms and conditions to protect us from ourselves. So many T's and C's that we now complain about them as well. Excellent work. Well done.

So as we head into a new year, we should take stock, count our blessings and take a positive look to the year ahead. We can look forward to a dodgy economy, the threat of war, the threat of Anthrax, Ricin (it's like Pot-Noodle), enough immigrants to sink our sceptred isle, more water than Noah's header tank, increased taxes, more Blair Per Minute and the good old congestion charge in the capital.

Crackers

Some suggest that Londoners' plight should simply be left to market forces. Too expensive to work set up office in London? Then move somewhere else. We're supposed to be in an age of communications when physical location is less important. Let's face it, it's only old fashioned ideas of self importance and lack of confidence that make the decision makers stay with their own and suffer it in London.

But Londoners are lucky. Ken's going to pander to their needs and sort everything out so it'll be a breeze to get about and more companies will return to the capital.

Whilst the rest of the country suffers interminable traffic chaos, London will be transformed into a 21st century city with a fabulous transport system of infinite capacity. A few minor complications with local economies, new road layouts, fluctuating property prices, increased salary demands, shifted traffic chaos and parking problems are a small price to pay. 

Cheese

Even better with the roads clear of the peasants in their crumpled Cavaliers, the monied classes will waft through London like leaves on the wind. And if things get bad again? Whack up the charge, kick a few more people out of their cars and buy more public transport. Ultimately the Sultan of Brunei will pay £1m a day to enter the capital alone and the rest of us will use the Government provided limousine services for free. 

Many Londoners don't see it that way of course. They're sceptical. Loosen up guys. Trust Ken. It's a great idea. Take £130million a year off motorists, turf a load of them onto the overcrowded buses and then invest dosh in building a transport system that will be the envy of the world.

So, what exactly are we going to get? Is it a new tram system? Is it new trains on the underground? Is it a seamless, integrated transport plan and supersonic magnetic levitation rail systems across the roof of the capital? You're getting anxious now aren't you? Breathless with excitement at the wonder of it all? Yeah, me too.

Pickle

The answer? A quick bit of research turned up the stunning answer. Ken's going to spend £130 million a year on improvements to the network, maintenance, restructuring, improvements, additional funding for initiatives, accelerated maintenance programmes, restructured improvements and accelerated initiatives maintaining programmes of accelerated restructuring, maintenance and ongoing improvement. Oh and bus friendly kerbs apparently.

Or will the tube drivers just demand a pay rise...?

Link: www.cclondon.com