Ford is celebrating its one hundredth anniversary this year. It's enjoyed phenomenal success over the years producing cars that most of us have driven, most of us have owned and that have been used in more bank robberies than Ford would care to admit.

It's enjoyed success on the race track - beating the Ferraris at Le Mans in the 60's, blasting through whatever that forest is called in the 70's, and then onto various other successes that this beer I'm supping prevents me from recalling.

The centenary gives Ford the excuse to wheel out all sorts of old tat in the name of the celebration. Various Model T's have been restored and can be seen at exhibitions around the country this year and no doubt countless sad old duffers will boast of their 10,000 mile 1300L Mark One Escorts. 

Slap On

The global success of the marque in recent times is a tribute not to innovative thinking, beautiful styling or grotesque power. The success has been thanks to providing simple, reasonable looking cars that plebs want. Moving upmarket a little, Ford has reached into the upper echelons of mainstream motoring by slapping on a bit of chrome, some fake wood and a Ghia badge to elevate some models to be perceived as classy items commensurate with the status of those crawling up the interminably tedious corporate hierarchy.

A culture of desire has been created by badge engineering and the addition of velour seats and tinted windows. The invention of some ludicrously nonsensical abbreviations has further pushed the product boundaries, reaching into a market where having the right tin box could make or break your credibility. 

Badge Con

XR and RS carved new niches into society - segments of subculture that desired anything with the right badge. Inheriting your mother's shopping car was no longer a problem if you could screw an RS knob onto your stick. A simple bodykit dreamt up by a drunken employee playing with a polystyrene cup resulted in a whole range of bolt on tat that many of us dreamed of burdening our cars with.

The XR2i was the antithesis of this ridiculous culture. A tragically mumsy car transformed into the motoring equivalent of white stilletoes. Body coloured bumpers and go faster stripes were a sign of sportiness in those days. Now we recognise them as the automotive equivalent of the paradox that is the jogging bottom wearing, Diet Coke drinking, lardette.

All credit to Ford though. They sold slow, plastic laden, shopping trollies to the masses (me included), under the pretence of them being aspirational motors. Their marketing department has long since moved on to selling banks as places that you can enter once again and promoting filtered water as an aphrodisiac.

My Past Loves

When I was younger I had two Capris and an XR2. My Mark One, 1600GT Capri was probably the slowest car I've ever driven but thanks to Ford's marketing, that magic 'GT' badge and the looks created a car that I desired intensely. My 2 litre 'JPS' (oh, so much cred!) Sport Mark II Capri was the envy of... blokes like me. In hindsight it was just a rusty death trap but funnily enough I still reminisce about that shoddy product like it was an old girlfriend who could do special things with her tongue.

When it comes to reminiscing about my XR2 it's a different matter. That car was a dream come true for a young lad seeking to demonstrate his 'success'. The truth was that in fact it was a tin box with a puny engine and more rattles than Mothercare. I hate that car for conning me into thinking it was something special when it gave me no more pleasure than that fat lass with the brace and the weeping eye.

Ford made them all desirable at the right time in my life though and for that I salute them.

What's New?

So what the bloody hell are they doing now? The only thing likely to get the blood pumping other stacking a Galaxy into the armco is the Focus RS. What happened to the exciting products in Ford's range? Don't waste your breath with the GT(40), I'm talking real cars. I guess the RS Focus is a desirable car, despite the differential problems, but the rest of the range lacks zest.

The cars all share a corporate look that is now being subjected to infringement actions from the Bland Corporation. Have you seen a Fiesta recently? You think you haven't but you have. There are thousands of the stupid things cruising about looking a bit like a Focus, but without the presence of the Focus. The Fiesta takes the styling influence of the Focus, adds in a bit of Liberal Democrat, a dose of baby bore and polishes off the whole effect with BBC regional news from Rutland. It's invisible and inaudible. 

In an effort to raise the profile of the new look cars, they've now brought out the blitheringly ridiculous Ford Fusion. The jacked up Fiesta is even more anonymous looking. Saddam Hussain has bought three to drive him and his cronies around London. It's going to take more than 'cool' adverts to give this jacked up shed any cred. Driving one will be like bolting a Parker Knoll to a skate board and let's face it, it's as desirable as Moira Stewart in a nasty cardigan.

Come on Ford. This was the year you were meant to sock it to us, not make invisible cars.