Did you know that it's now possible to buy a BMW 216d M Sport Gran Tourer? A seven-seat, 1.5-litre three-cylinder diesel M Sport. It's a sad reflection on the UK's obsession with sporty specifications, plus BMW's incessant need to cram every niche with something. It's also £28,000...
From here who would know?
Here's what happen when you flip that spec on its head. Sort of. Where the 216d MSGT has all the sporty accoutrements with the weakest engine, here we have most powerful non-M 5 Series in about the most ordinary colour specification possible. Actually, scrap that; it's the most beige available. And perhaps quite cool because of it.
We're in a world where gender stereotypes should no longer be applicable, but this is surely one car more than any other that screams old man's 5 Series. The Milano Beige paint, the Veneto Beige leather, the light ash grain wood: this is the 5 for the older gent.
But it's also the 5 Series for someone who wants to get places very briskly. The 4.4-litre twin-turbo V8 in the 550i may be significantly different to that in the M5 despite the shared capacity, but it still has over 400hp and 443lb ft too. Naturally it will do 155mph, with 62mph in less than six seconds too. Perhaps not performance to be exploited in Britain, but imagine the fun of something so plain going that fast on an autobahn.
The giveaway. Where's that 520d badge?
That's what's so appealing about the Milano Beige 550i. In a world where so many cars shout about fairly meagre performance, here is something which consciously disguises its sizeable potential. Debadged only the exhausts would give this away, and thereby also avoiding all the aggro endured with a car that looks overtly fast.
This won't handle as sharply as an M Sport car, leave alone an M5, but that's rather missing the point. If you want one of those a 550i M Sport is a few thousand pounds more. M5s are creeping towards £30K too, albeit for one with over 130,000 miles...
What it's for - or at least what it appears to be for - is covering a lot of distance with the minimum of fuss in every respect. Hopefully the 34,000 miles already covered since 2010 have been in just that fashion, wafting up motorways and autoroutes in comfort and speed. It may not have been, but it seems like the right thing to do.
We've covered the plain Jane V8 saloons recently with the Jaguar XF 5.0 and it's impossible to discuss them without bringing up the Volvo S80 V8 too. As mentioned, that combination of unassuming styling with V8 performance will always pique PH interest. Especially in beige. If anyone can beat this 550i for full wolf in sheep's clothing then it would be great to see it!
BMW 550i
Price: £24,000
Why you should: A 400hp BMW...
Why you shouldn't: ... that looks like a 150hp BMW. It won't appeal to all!
See the original advert here.