Why did you have children?

[HTP99]

Steve H said:

Clearly there is something built into us that means if we have kids we are likely to end up loving them and thinking is the best thing ever, it doesn’t always turn out that way but it’s a natural response with a pretty high hit rate.

But more than 50% in this poll that didn’t really want kids in the first place. I am not sure if it’s more upsetting to see the level of evolutionary biological brainwashing that happens, or if it’s worse to hear from the ones that it doesn’t work for and still feel as they did before they were tricked/coerced into it.

My eldest daughters best friend already has 3 kids, she wanted a 4th, her partner and father of the 3 didn't want anymore, she "had a problem with her pill" (although my daughter knows otherwise) apparently and hey presto 4th is baking.

Colleague at work, her dad got with a woman after his divorce, kids were discussed he was adamant he didn't want any more, new wife did want children, they married, she "had a problem with her pill", along came a little one, he is in his mid 50's and away all week driving a lorry. TBH they shouldn't have remained together when the desired child situation was determined.

I should imagine men being tricked and coerced into having children is fairy common

[RayDonovan]

fking hell.

[Skeptisk]

Steve H said:

Clearly there is something built into us that means if we have kids we are likely to end up loving them and thinking is the best thing ever, it doesn’t always turn out that way but it’s a natural response with a pretty high hit rate.

But more than 50% in this poll that didn’t really want kids in the first place. I am not sure if it’s more upsetting to see the level of evolutionary biological brainwashing that happens, or if it’s worse to hear from the ones that it doesn’t work for and still feel as they did before they were tricked/coerced into it.

That might be overplaying it. I wasn’t sure I wanted children as my own childhood wasn’t great (parents divorced and they weren’t there for me). My wife was much keener. However I love being a dad and ironically I have a much better relationship with my daughter than my wife does.

[Bill]

Steve H said:

But more than 50% in this poll that didn’t really want kids in the first place. I am not sure if it’s more upsetting to see the level of evolutionary biological brainwashing that happens,or if it’s worse to hear from the ones that it doesn’t work for and still feel as they did before they were tricked/coerced into it.

That's a very curious spin on things!

[dundarach]

Also forgot to add, kids are awesome!

They're by far my greatest and only successful creation

Doesn't really matter what happens to me and Mrs Dundarach now, perhaps the kids will be rich and successful.

[lizardbrain]

The biggest variable on quality of life with kids is your partner. Have kids with the wrong person and things will quickly go down the stter

[Magnum 475]

HTP99 said:

My eldest daughters best friend already has 3 kids, she wanted a 4th, her partner and father of the 3 didn't want anymore, she "had a problem with her pill" (although my daughter knows otherwise) apparently and hey presto 4th is baking.

Colleague at work, her dad got with a woman after his divorce, kids were discussed he was adamant he didn't want any more, new wife did want children, they married, she "had a problem with her pill", along came a little one, he is in his mid 50's and away all week driving a lorry. TBH they shouldn't have remained together when the desired child situation was determined.

I should imagine men being tricked and coerced into having children is fairy common

Happened to the son of one of my friends. At 20 he got himself a girlfriend, and all seemed well. Until the condom 'broke'. And the morning after pill "didn't work" (it doesn't work if you don't take it). So before his 21st birthday he had a daughter, and shortly after he did the right thing and married his girlfriend.

At this point, she decided that she wanted more kids. He didn't want any more until he'd completed his degree and they had enough money coming in to support them properly. So his delightful wife went out and shagged someone else, got pregnant, and is now completely shocked that he's divorcing her.

[Steve H]

Bill said:

Steve H said:

But more than 50% in this poll that didn’t really want kids in the first place. I am not sure if it’s more upsetting to see the level of evolutionary biological brainwashing that happens,or if it’s worse to hear from the ones that it doesn’t work for and still feel as they did before they were tricked/coerced into it.

That's a very curious spin on things!

Depends on which side of the fence you are sitting on

But most of the replies on here are saying that having kids is the best thing they have ever done yet half of them didn’t want kids in the first place so something is going on.

[okgo]

I think it’s fairly common in men. Not fussed on them mostly before having them, love it when you do.

Haven’t seen anything much outside that among my mates - my brother was an exception who wanted to have children, and have them while he was young.

[RSbandit]

How old were people when they had their first and last kids? I was 36 and 39, certainly wasn't ready to have them any earlier...couldn't imagine having them in my early to mid 20's.

[lizardbrain]

RSbandit said:

How old were people when they had their first and last kids? I was 36 and 39, certainly wasn't ready to have them any earlier...couldn't imagine having them in my early to mid 20's.

40 in my case, but I feel old and knackered and think I would likely be a more active dad if I was a bit younger. by the time he is grown up I'll be ancient

On other hand yeah my 20s and 30s would have been VERY different

[Countdown]

18 and 35

[coldel]

PRO5T said:

More like 50 year ago! It's funny, it's been quite a cathartic thread for me this one and it's strange there isn't a more family-centric thread about fatherhood on PH (unless I've missed it?) as I'm sure there's loads of folk who not only need help but also just need validated that they're doing the right thing.

I absolutely love the family I've created and there's something to be proud of in discussing them and listening to others stories.

Its certainly a complex situation, for some reason, kids just bring this sensation of achievement in life that I haven't got elsewhere despite doing well in a job, having a large group of friends, a loving family etc.

But, it also is bloody hard work, and the challenge changes year to year. And I have at times sat and thought im not good enough for him or that i have let him down. I think we set ourselves very high standards and are our own worst critics. Sometimes we need talking off that ledge.

[Wacky Racer]

My three lads are now approaching their forties....yes there has been plenty of challenges along the way, but overall no regrets whatsoever and they remain very close with each other.

[Bill]

Steve H said:

Depends on which side of the fence you are sitting on

But most of the replies on here are saying that having kids is the best thing they have ever done yet half of them didn’t want kids in the first place so something is going on.

I think having low expectations from the outset may play a part, but unless you've experienced it I don't think you can understand.

[Steve H]

Bill said:

Steve H said:

Depends on which side of the fence you are sitting on

But most of the replies on here are saying that having kids is the best thing they have ever done yet half of them didn’t want kids in the first place so something is going on.

I think having low expectations from the outset may play a part, but unless you've experienced it I don't think you can understand.

I’m sure that’s true. In fact I know it is .

[Pit Pony]

E3134 said:

When you are old, not having children is a bugger.

Why?

Anyway. Started going out with my wife at 17. Got married at 23. I never thought about it. I just assumed that's what you did once you got married. Just like my wife assumed that the woman gave up work to look after the children rather than hand them to someone else to bring up.

Son is 31 this year and earns more than me. His son is 18 months old.
Daughter was 28 last week and nearly earns more than me.
Both are solid, hard working, kind, honest.
I can't imagine old age without them.

[Pit Pony]

HTP99 said:

My eldest daughters best friend already has 3 kids, she wanted a 4th, her partner and father of the 3 didn't want anymore, she "had a problem with her pill" (although my daughter knows otherwise) apparently and hey presto 4th is baking.

Colleague at work, her dad got with a woman after his divorce, kids were discussed he was adamant he didn't want any more, new wife did want children, they married, she "had a problem with her pill", along came a little one, he is in his mid 50's and away all week driving a lorry. TBH they shouldn't have remained together when the desired child situation was determined.

I should imagine men being tricked and coerced into having children is fairy common

My wife's sister and her husband have 4 kids 34, 31, 22, 15.
In every case, they'd run out of condoms and couldn't stop themselves.

Younger 2 are diagnosed Autistic, the old 2 almost definitely should be diagnosed. The youngest is never going to be able to live independently, such are his unique issues. She had a home birth, and my wife had to become midwife, as the midwife didn't arrive in time. and saved his life.
The other 3 do live independently quite successfully.
Wife's sister is almost definateky autistic, and her husband is erm also special.

[Steve H]

Pit Pony said:

E3134 said:

When you are old, not having children is a bugger.

Why?

For sure there are aspects of getting older that are likely to be a lot harder without the support of someone from the next generation but I guess there’s plenty of parents that will also face that issue.

But even ignoring the idea of being cared for in old age, any non-parents that say they cannot see the downsides of not having kids are deluding themselves just as much as some parents do for the opposite reason.


We should be able to get them on a timeshare basis

[james6546]

I’m in the other box I think.

Neither of us really wanted kids, I had a pretty st childhood of being passed between people and not feeling particularly wanted so swore I’d never have any.

My wife didn’t really want any either, she works a lot and didn’t see how we would have time.

But we decided that seeing as we were mid 30s if we were ever going to have kids we should have them soon so we tried once.

My stepdad then died unexpectedly just before Christmas and my wife found out she was pregnant a week after, it was a hard time.

But he is now 19 months old and I can’t imagine life without him, he has also been a great distraction for my mum who also loves him to bits. My wife has struggled a bit more, I think she had post natal depression but she also loves him, if a little bit on edge sometimes.

I’m not sure we will have another one, as my wife HATED being pregnant and our house is already cozy with the 3 of us, but I have zero regrets from having him.